"South Park: The Weenie Wars, Part II" by Xebot, 7/4/99 [email]
[RECAP: CHEF AND CARTMAN HAVE GONE TO WAR WITH STAN, KYLE AND KENNY OVER THEIR COMPETING PUSH-CART BUSINESSES, "SLAUGHTERHOUSE 5" AND "THE K-9 WOK", RESPECTIVELY.]
[SCENE: STAN, KYLE, KENNY, JIMBO OUTSIDE.]
JIMBO: I heard about The Great South Park Weenie Wars, and figured I could help you with some military tactics and training.
STAN: Thanks, uncle Jimbo.
KYLE: This won't be too strenuous, will it?
JIMBO: Hell no! The U.S. Army only has one tactic, anyway, make sure that you've got a bigger gun than the enemy! Roll her in, Ned!
[NED DRIVES-UP IN A TANK. A SIGN ON TOP READS "K-9 WOK II". A SIGN AT THE BOTTOM READS "WEENIE DOGS $1.25".]
STAN: But, isn't this kind-of expensive for push-cart?
JIMBO: It's not a push-cart, it's an "M1 Abrams Weenie-Dog Delivery Vehicle". As for the price, just do what the Pentagon does.
[JIMBO CLIMBS ON THE TANK, AND REPAINTS THE LOWER SIGN.]
STAN: [READING THE SIGN] "Weenie Dogs $999,999.99".
KYLE: Will people pay that much?
JIMBO: That's the reason for the "99 cents" at the end; people won't THINK of it as a million dollars!
NED: That'zzz called "marketing".
JIMBO: Of course, we'll have to change the name. "K-9 Wok" sounds a little "fruity" for an American fighting vehicle and weenie mobile. How about this...
[JIMBO CLIMBS ON THE TANK, AND REPAINTS THE TOP SIGN.]
STAN: [READING THE SIGN.] "Dogs of War". COOL!
KYLE: Cry havoc, dude!
[SCENE: CARTMAN, CHEF AND CARTMAN'S POT-BELLIED PIG, FLUFFY, ARE AT THEIR PUSH-CART, "SLAUGHTERHOUSE 5". FLUFFY IS DRESSED IN COMBAT FATIGUES AND HELMET.]
[CARTMAN IS DRESSED LIKE JULIUS CAESAR, AND WEARING A WREATH.]
CHEF: I don't know if we should be going out today. Stan and Kyle were awfully upset. Maybe we ought to just forget this war, thing.
CARTMAN: Cartman shall go forth! Ne'er hence shall they look upon the face of Cartman, but in utter humili-TAH!
CHEF: But I saw some bad omens last night. A lioness whelped in the streets; and ghosts did shriek and squeal; and the Scuzzlebutt did gither and gimble in the mire!
CARTMAN: Danger knows full well that Cartman is more dangerous than he: we are two lions litter'd in one day. And Cartman shall go forth!
[STAN, KYLE AND KENNY DRIVE UP IN THEIR TANK; THEY CRUSH THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE 5 PUSH CART. THEY GET OUT.]
KYLE: I told you, Cartman, don't f**k with us!
CHEF: That wasn't nice, children!
STAN: Sorry, Chef, but even with all of the stories Jimbo's told us about Vietnam, we STILL can't get used to the idea of losing. Maybe when we're older we'll understand that a nation's dignity is less important than the lives of its people -- but for now, we demand your unconditional surrender!
CHEF: Our what?! You just destroyed my push-cart!
KYLE: We had to destroy the cart to save it, dude.
CARTMAN: Don't worry, Chef. I've got a trick up my toga!
CHEF: I wish I could say that I've never heard THAT one before.
[CARTMAN PULLS A CONCH SHELL FROM UNDER HIS TOGA, AND BLOWS IT.]
[HUNDREDS OF MAD COWS, WEARING ROMAN UNIFORMS, STAMPEDE. STAN AND KYLE CLIMB ONTO THE TANK. KENNY GETS CRUUUUSHED.]
CARTMAN: Havest not a cow, Kenny!
STAN: Cartman killed kenny!
KYLE: You fat-ass bastard!
STAN: Take this, fat-ass!
[STAN OPENS A PORTAL OF THE TANK. THE AROMA OF WEENIE DOGS ESCAPES.]
[FLUFFY SNIFFS THE AIR, AND THEN JUMPS UP TO STAN AND KYLE.]
CARTMAN: Et tu, Fluffy? Then fall, Cartman! [PRETENDS TO DROP DEAD.]
CHEF: [PLEADING, BUT FIRM] See what you kids -- and I mean ALL of you -- have done? You've turned this into some kind of war, and made a mockery of a Cracker Classic!
KYLE: You guys started it.
STAN: Face it, Chef, WE WON! The Dogs of War rule the weenie streets of South Park!
CHEF: [ANGRY] Not by the hair of Madonna's armpit, you don't!
[EYES GET CRAZY, BUT SPEAKS SLOWLY.]
...And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know that my name is Chef when I lay my vengeance upon thee!
[CHEF DRAGS CARTMAN OFF-SCREEN BY HIS FOOT. CARTMAN'S HEAD BOUNCES ON ROCKS.]
CARTMAN: Not by my foot! Ow! Ow!
STAN: Chef seemed awfully mad at us. He told me he never saw Pulp Fiction.
KYLE: Uh ... dude, he hasn't.
STAN: Uh-oh!