FartBeasts - by Andrew Cameron Part 1
[Cartman's Bathroom]
Cartman is having a bath, playing with rubber duck, etc...
Cartman(singing): ....big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide-- Cartman farts Cartman: Goddamnit!!!
Cartman sees a spider on the wall. He looks at the spider. It looks back.
Cartman: MOM!!!!! Come and kick some spider ass NOW!!!!!!!!! Mrs. Cartman: Just coming hon!
Mrs. Cartman enters the bathroom
Mrs. Cartman: Now where was this spider, dear? Cartman(pointing): Over there MOM (starts screaming) get it NOW mom get it NOW!!!!!!!!
Mrs. Cartman kills the spider and drops it's body into the loo.
Mrs. Cartman: Mommy's just going to have a wee-wee Eric.
Mrs. Cartman pulls down her skirt and proceeds to urinate whilst standing up.
Cartman: Mom, that sick! Cartman farts Cartman: GODDAMNIT!!!!
[Kyle's House]
Sheila: Come on, Bubala, bath time! Kyle: But mum having a bath sucks ass!!! Sheila: KYLE! You will do as I tell you! Now get a move on up to that bathroom! Kyle(walking away): Yeah, right, and you can kiss my.... Kyle farts. Kyle laughs.
[Kenny's House]
Kenny's Dad: We thank you, oh Lord, for this can of beans which you have bestowed upon us, although, we really could do with some more food, and we ARE starving, and the benefits aren't enough, so please Lord, we could really use some help right now. Amen. Everyone: Amen.
Kenny's Mom spoons out the beans, one spoonful each.
Kenny farts. Kenny farts again. Kenny laughs.
[Stan's House]
Stan: Oh dude, homework sure does suck! Shelly: Just do it, okay? Stan: Shut up bitch! Shelly: What did you say? Stan: Er, I said, um.... Shelly: Right I'm gonna--
Stan farts. Stan laughs.
Shelly: That's disgushting!
[Cartman's House]
The kids are all sitting on the couch, watching TV.
Terrance and Philip can be heard on TV. The kids are silent, watching it.
Announcer: But now, kids, for the introduction of a new Terrance and Philip feature.
Kids are eating cheesy poofs. Cartman has two bags.
Announcer: Can YOU fart? Cartman: I can fart! I can fart! Announcer: Well, if you can fart as well as and BETTER than Terrance AND Philip, then you could be our winner of a year's supply of Cheesy Poofs, and appear on the show with Terrance and Philip! Stan: Sweet dude! Be on TV with Terrance and Philip! Kyle: KICK ASS!!! Kenny: But you have to fart your guts out first Cartman: No Kenny, it comes naturally to me. Kyle: No it doesn't, fat ass, you fart because you're fat and you eat too many snacky cakes! Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm just a nice person, making you think you're thin! Kyle: Cartman, I AM thin, I eat lots too, aaaaaand, I can fart better than you, too!!! Stan: So if you eat lots, then you fart lots, right? Cartman: Then that must mean Kenny never farts, he can't afford to eat! [Laughter] Cartman: Hey Kenny! Do frozen waffles make you fart, Kenny? KENNY!! I said, do-- Kenny gets up and does a karate kick on Cartman. Stan: Kenny, how did you do that dude? Kenny: I learnt it from my Grandad. Kyle: Sweet! Can your Grandad teach US to do that, too? Stan: Dude, I don't think we want to visit Kenny's family, do we? Kenny looks at Stan. Stan: I, I mean, er... Kyle: Oh yeah, we wouldn't want to bother your family, you've been nice enough, with all that lovely, er... Cartman(just recovering): Yes, Pip, I WILL be kicking you in the nuts....now, now where am I? Kyle: Kenny just kicked your fat ass!!! Cartman: Ay! Kenny, you son of a-- Kenny does the karate move on Cartman again. Cartman(on the ground): Oh, weak.
[Mr Garrison's Classroom]
Mr Garrison: And now, children, let's talk about creating fake nude celebrity photographs. Kyle(whispering): Hey Stan! You ready? Stan(whispering): For what? Kyle: Escaping class to go to the Terrance and Philip farting auditions. Stan: Oh yeah. Hell that was contrived. Mr Garrison: Is there a problem children? Stan: No, Mr Garrison, we were just discussing a, er, a.... Kyle: Fake nude celebrity picture of Monica Lewinsky! Stan: Oh sick dude! Mr Garrison: No, Stan, that's wonderful idea Kyle! I should have some fresh pictures of Monica in here somewhere. Mr Garrison searches in his desk drawer, while Kyle, Stan, Kenny, and Cartman sneak out. Mr Garrison: Ah, here it is! Mr Garrison is holding a video tape called "EVIDENCE". He notices that the children are gone. Mr Garrison: Oh, damn, not again!
[Audtion Room]
Lots of farting noises and a visible stench in the room.
Director: That's great! Great! Can you do that standing to the left? Farting noise. Director: GREAT!
[The middle of a long line]
Stan: Woah, dude! It sure stinks in here. Cartman: Yeah, if these pieces of crap don't stop farting, I'm gonna have to kick them in the nuts! The guy in front of Cartman farts in his face. Kyle, Kenny and Stan laugh. Cartman: AY! Stan: Well, Cartman, what have you eaten to be able to fart? Cartman: Nothing, I told you, farting comes naturally to me, especially when Cheesy Poofs are involved. Kyle: Cartman, you'd NEVER get this far through the day without eating anything! Cartman: Well obviously, I ate SOMETHING, but-- [HUGE fart noise from the front of the line] Stan: Woah dude! That was like the biggest fart ever! Cartman: I bet I can do better than that! Kyle: Yeah, so could I, easy! The children are now near the front of the line. Stan: Look! We're getting there! Cartman: Yes, I can almost taste the success. The guy in front of them farts and Kenny gets blown back by it. He hits a wall, head first, and his head splits into two. Stan: Oh my God! They killed Kenny! Cartman: You bastards! Kyle: Hey, fat ass, that's my line! Cartman: What? Director: Next! Stan: That's me, dude! Stan goes up on the stage and starts groaning. He manages a squeek. Everyone laughs. Cartman: That was sooooo pathetic. Stan is now down from the stage. Stan: Let's see you do better, then! Cartman gets up on stage. He moans. He groans. Camera moves to shot of mountains and rabbits, and the sound of Cartman's fart echoing all around. The rabbits run away.
[Back to the audition room]
Complete silence. Long pause. Director: The winner! Cheering and clapping. Cartman: Sweet!
[Maphesto's Lab]
Maphesto: Soon, my creation will be ready to unveil to the world! With this creature, work will be a thing of the past! It will mimick anything it sees, and then! Oh, then, life will be so much easier. Oh. Why am I telling you this, Kevin? Kevin looks blankly at Maphesto.
[The set of Terrance and Philip]
Terrance and Philip are in front of the couch.
Philip: Hey Terrance. Terrance: What Philip? Philip farts. They both laugh. Cartman appears and sits down on the couch. Terrance farts. Cartman: GODDAMMIT WILL YOU STOP FARTING!!!!!!!! Director: Cut! Terrance: What? Was that not loud enough? Director: No, no, it was great! It's HIM [points at Cartman] that I'm complaining about! Cartman: Ay! That son of a bitch farted in my face! Director: I know he did, that's the whole point of this show, kid. Have you never seen it before? Cartman: Of course I've seen Terrance and Philip before, I just don't want to be farted on! Director: Oh. Well, that's just tough kid, you won the stupid competition, oh, and one more thing - don't insult the stars of the show! From the top! In 3-2... Cartman: Oh, weak.
Who wants part 2??????