(Fanfic) The Boys meet the Hansons

It's me Dark Dan(formally known as Dan) With my 2nd Fic. Enjoy! Started Aug 30, 98 Disclaimer: I know a lot of people are going to hate me for this but someone had to do it. Please resist the urge to hire an assasinator on me. I will try not to make them sound like idiots. The Boys meet the Hansons <White room the boy are there.> Stan: Where are we? Kyle: This looks like one of those rooms that all the cheap writers put in their stories. Dan: Hey! -Dan walks in- Cartman: Oh look here's the cheap ass now! Hey buttlord! This story better not be as lame as that joke last time! Dan: Shut up fatty! We'll boys... and fatty... Cartman: AY! Dan: This story your going to meet up some famous celebrities... Cartman: (Gasp) Charlie the baker!?! Dan: Huh? Cartman: You know... that guy on the doughnut commercials! Dan: Uh maybe... Now go get into wardrobe. Stan: But we are in wardrobe. Dan: Just go! -They leave- <Stan's house> -Stan is watching TV, he's channel surfing.- Stan: Rerun...Gay...Rerun...Rerun...Boring...Stupid...Hey! A new channel! -Shot of the TV there are two girls on it- Hyper Girl#1: Hi and welcome to the Gossip Channel! Hyper Girl#2: The channel that is all gossip all the time. Hyper Girl#1: Now it's time for our Daily Hanson Status! -Stan looks very puzzled- HyperGirl#2: Ok. The Hanson brothers are currently working on an up coming movie; The Happy Hansons go to Canyon Town! -Clip of the movie- Cowboy: Ahch! I can't kill ya! Yer all too purdy! -Back to the girls- Hyper girl#1: And be sure to look for little Zackie's new book; How to Look Cute for Dummies! And earlier today the Hansons were seen boarding a plane to South Park Colorado! And be sure to sign up for their new cult... -Stan shuts of the TV- -Pause- Stan: Who are the Hansons? -The phone rings. Stan answers it.- Stan: He- Wendy: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! DID YOU HEAR THE NEWS!?!?!?!?!?! Stan: What news? Wendy: The Hansons are coming to South Park!!!!!!!!!! Stan: Who are the Hansons? -long pause followed by a thump- Stan: Wendy? Wendy? WENDY!!! <Bus Stop> Kyle: And you should have seen it had this huge... -Stan walks up- Kenny: Hey Stan. (Author's note: I'm very lazy, just imagine that he's mumbling.) Kyle: What's up? Stan: Nothing I got a call from Wendy yesterday. Cartman: She probably asked you to save some stupid monkey. Stan: Shut up! Fatass! Cartman: Ay! It's just that you're skinny as a rail, so when I'm around you look normal and you make me look fat! -long long pause- Stan: Cartman! What the hell are you talking about?!? Kyle: So what did she say? Stan: Something about the Han...sssonnns coming here. Cartman: Who the hell are the Hansons? Stan: I don't know... but she was pretty psyched about it. Kyle: If she loves it so much how come we never heard of it before? Cartman: Maybe it's an endangered species migrating here and she wants to save them! -The bus pulls up- Ms Crabtree: Get on! We're runnin' late! Stan: We're always late! You fat ugly bitch! Ms Crabtree: What did you say?!! Stan: I said the Hansons are coming. You fat ugly bitch! Ms Crabtree: The Hansons are coming?! Holy shit! I need to get home! -The bus drives away without them- Kyle: Weird... Cartman: Yeah! I can never picture Ms Crabtree in a house. -Chef drives up- Chef: Hey children. Kids: Hey Chef. Chef: Why aren't you on the bus? Stan: Ms Crabtree left without us. Chef: Oh! Well you don't want to be late, come on. -The kids get into Chefs car. They drive off- Chef: So how's it going? Stan: Bad. Chef: Why bad? Stan: Wendy's acting strange... Chef: Like how? Stan: Well she called me and asked if I heard the news that the Hansons were coming. And we have no clue who or what they are. Chef: The Hansons! Oh fudge! -The car speeds past the school- Kyle: Hey! Where are we going? Chef: To my emergency war room! -Chef pushes a button on his dashboard. The road lifts up into the air and chefs car flies off it. Mr. Mackey's car is behind him- <Mr. Mackey> Mr. Mackey: Uh... This road isn't supposed to be here mmmkay... <Chef> Cartman: Mommy!!!!! Stan: We're going to hit the mountain!!! Chef: Relax! Children! -A large hole opens up in the mountain and Chefs car flies into it. It closes and Mr. Makey smashes into it.- Mr. Makey: It burns! Mmmkay! <In the mountain> Cartman: What the hell is this place!? Chef: This is my war room. -They get out of the car- Chef: I've been preparing for this ever since I moved here. Kyle: But we still have no idea who the Hansons are! -Chef turns on the TV- Chef: There's a 99.99% chance that the Gossip Channel is doing something about them now. -The TV has the 2 girls on it again- Hyper Girl#2: And now it's time for the most requested Hanson video! Hyper Girl#1: And like, here it is! -It's mmmbop- (Author's note: I would put in the lyrics, but I've taken a vow never to say them) Kids: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Stan: They're coming here?!?!?! Chef: And I could lose my women! Cartman: (To the sky) Damn you Dan!!!!!! -a rock falls and hits Cartman followed by an evil laugh- Cartman: Ow! Chef: But don't worry I have every thing planed out. I saw this movie, where this kid who was home alone set up all these traps during the time he was home alone. Then burglars came when he was home alone and the kid whooped their asses! Cartman: Yeah I saw that movie! I think it was called... In my House with Nobody Around. Chef: Yeah whatever. I made these blue prints of your houses with all the required traps clearly marked. -The kids look at them for a second- Stan: Uh Chef? Chef: Yes children? Stan: We don't have flame-throwers... Chef: Oh...Well fudge that. Come on I'll help you set up. -They leave with Cartman holding the blueprints. Cartman: Explosives in the butter? Hey! What if I want to have a light snack!? (Commercial) Author's note: Just a little reminder no assasinators please! <Mr. Garrison's class> Mr. Garrison: And so... that's why gambling is legal to juvenile penguins and not you. -Kyle raises his hand- Mr. Garrison: Yes Kyle? Kyle: What does this have to do with Geography? Mr. Garrison: That's a very good question Kyle. Please place it in the question box properly folded. -The question box is actually a waste basket- Kyle: You enjoy this don't you. Mr. Hat: (pissed) You listen here you little Jewish devil! You will place your question in the question box or your expelled! (Author's note: Yes! I know that Mr. Hat is no more. But I need to see some more episodes to see how Mr. Twig acts) -Kyle writes down his question and puts it in the "Question box"- Mr. Garrison: Uh Kyle... That's not properly folded. -Kyle takes out his paper and crumples it then throws it back in- Mr. Garrison: Very good. Now lets discuss the pollution produced by panda factories... <Cartman's house> -Stan, Kyle and Kenny enter- Kyle: Hey Cartman did Chef drop of the supplies off? -Cartman is practically buried in explosives, guns, etc...- Cartman: Why no... He has not yet came... I wonder where he could be... Kenny: Come on let's set up. Stan: We can't start now. There's about 3 hours until their plane is over Colorado. And our parents haven't left... Ms Cartman: Bye hun! Be good for the next 3 days. -She leaves- -Long pause- Stan: We'll I guess we can start now... <Airport millions are gathered> Crowd: Hanson! Hanson! Hanson! Girl on loudspeaker: Attention everyone! Hanson's jet plane is now within 4 miles of South Park. -Cheers- Girl on loudspeaker: And... Man on loudspeaker: (in distance) Hey what are you doing here!? Only I'm allowed to be here- Hey what the? OW! Get away I surrender! OW! (Chokes gurgles etc.) Girl on loudspeaker: That will be all. (long silence) Midget: Zee plane! Zee plane! -Plane comes in and lands- Women: It's them! -As soon as Hanson exits they are crowded by girls- <Cartman's house> Stan: There they're all set. Cartman: But what about your houses? Kyle: Oh... We forgot to tell you. We decided it would be best if we just crammed every thing in your house. Cartman: Ay! Kenny: Come on lets go meet up with Chef. Cartman: You sonofabitches! You guys suck! I can't believe you left me out of the decision! -They leave with Cartman still whining- <Chef's house> -Stan rings the doorbell Chef answers it- Chef:: Quick get in! -They enter- Chef: Did you set up the traps? Kyle: Yep. Chef: Good. Cartman: Except they crammed everything in my house instead of spreading it equally! Chef: Yeah whatever. Stan: So how do we get them into Cartman's house? Kenny: Yeah! There's nothing good their to steal! Cartman: Ay! I bet I can get mah stuff stolen any time I want! Kyle: Then how about you let us steal your TV? Cartman: Fine! I will let you steal it! I mean... AY! Chef: Ok here's the plan... When they're performing... You steal their wallet! -long pause- Stan: That's it? Chef: Yup. Now move along children! They're performing in 10 minutes! <Stage> -Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman are on the side of the stage with black masks- Kyle: So who's wallet do we steal? Stan: The tall one. Announcer: (Not to trilled) Now here's Hanson. Kyle: Quick put on your earmuffs! -They do- Kenny: Who goes first? -All heads turn to Cartman- Cartman: AY! Stan: Ok Cartman. Run as fast as you can there and back. Cartman: Ehh! -Cartman runs to the center of the stage steals the "Tall" one's wallet- The tall one: Hey that fat panda or whatever stole my wallet! The medium one: Get him! The little one: Break his legs! -The three chase after the scamps- -Stan, Kyle and Kenny join Cartman in running- Cartman: Now what!? Stan: Quick! We need to get into your room! -They run into Cartman's house- <Cartman's room> Kyle: Well that was easy. Cartman: (out of breath) Because(Huff) I was (huff) the one... -Cartman falls to the floor- Kyle: Well now what? Stan: We wait for them to come in. -Kenny hops onto the chair in front of Cartman's computer and types some thing- Kenny: Here I'll bring them up on the surveillance camera. -A camera feed comes up on the screen- Kyle: That's them! They're in the house! -Kenny types something- Female voice: Death traps activated. Kenny: All done. Stan: Now what do we do? -They look at Cartman now looking through the wallet- Kenny: Find anything good? Cartman: Let's see...Picture of them...Picture of them on tour...Library card...Family photo...I can't believe this! This has to be the crappiest wallet one could ever steal! -He throws it away- -You can hear the Hansons screaming in the distance- Kyle: Man there really getting clobbered down there. Stan: Yeah I almost feel sorry for them. -pause- Kyle: Let's call Chef. Stan: Yeah he can cure our guilt. -Stan dials- Chef: Hello? Stan: Hi Chef. Chef: Hey children! Did you whoop their asses yet? Kyle: Well... Actually we're felling kind of bad for them. Chef: Ah fudge... Well we must go to plan B. Cartman: What's plan B? Chef: I'll tell you when I get over there. Just don't let them leave. -They hang up- Kenny: How the f*ck do we keep them in the house? Kyle: Yeah! By now they would rather be in the middle of World War 2! Stan: Don't worry... -An explosion is heard followed by sounds of them falling down into the basement then the door slamming shut- Stan: They won't leave... <Stage> Audience: We want Hanson! We want Hanson! -The mayor walks up on stage- Mayor: Uh...Sorry but I've been told that the Hansons are... um... Booked... -boos- -One of the assistants whispers in her ear- Mayor: And if you look to your right, we have free soup crackers and tap water! -Cheers- -They crowd around the table- Girl on megaphone: Attention everyone! One of Hanson brothers wallet has been reported stolen by a fat panda! -Gasps- Woman in audience: Which Hanson brother is it? Girl on megaphone: He is yet to be identified! Woman#2: We've got to search every square inch of this town till we find that fat panda! Crowd: Yeah! -They light up torches and start marching off- <Cartman's house> -The boy's are gathered- Cartman: Where the hell is Chef? There are people outside with burning sticks! Kyle: Can you be any more retarded fatass! -Chef comes in through the back door holding a bag- Chef: Here I am children! Stan: Chef what are we doing to do? Chef: Come on we need to get upstairs! <ext. Cartman's house> Woman on megaphone: We know you're in there panda! Come out or we're coming in! -Very short pause- Woman on megaphone: Alright we're coming in! -Cartman wearing a mask of Zach open's the upstairs window- Cartman: (Trying to sound like Zach) Wait! Woman#3: It's Zach! Woman#4: Let's listen he might have some news on their next album! Cartman: (Trying to sound like Zach) Uh... Don't accuse the sweet little boy who stole our wallet. And... Uh... We've lead a life of crime so arrange for us to be arrested. Umm...We're going to lock ourselves in the basement now bye! -Barbrady drives up- Barbrady: That's it shows over! Everyone go home or you will be brutally beaten! -The crowd leaves- <inter. Cartman's house> Cartman: Ay! Why the hell did I have to do that?! Kyle: We'll I'm glad that's over with. Stan: Yeah! -pause- Kenny: Let's go watch TV! Kids: Yeah. <Downstairs> -Barbrady is at the basement door. He opens it the Hansons fall out- Barbrady: Ah HA! Thought you could get away with it! The tall one: Get away with what? Barbrady: How many times must people tell you! Japanese country rock is dead! The medium one: But we don't sing Japanese country! The small one: Yeah! We sing... Barbrady: I've had enough out of you! -Barbrady whacks them unconscious with his nightstick- -The boys come down- Kyle: Well that sure did suck. Stan: Yeah but you know I've learned something today...I learned that only he who attempts the absurd can achieve the impossible. -The boys applaud- Kyle: But that doesn't have anything to do with today. Stan: Oh yeah. I guess it doesn't fit. Kenny: Well I learned that you learn more from ten days of agony than from ten years of content. -More applauds- Stan: But that doesn't fit either. Kenny: Oh yeah... -Long pause- Stan: Has anyone learned something today? Cartman: I've learned that Dan is pure evil, and he sucks ass! Kenny, Stan, and Kyle: Yeah! -A shadow forms over Cartman with the sound of a falling rock- Cartman: OH F*CK!!! -At the last second the shadow moves and smashes Kenny- Stan: Oh my god! Dan killed Kenny! Kyle: You bastard! -They get on the couch and start watching TV regardless of what just happened- ~{Semi Fin}~ <White room> -The boys fall into the room(including Kenny)- -Dan is on a couch typing away on a laptop-(Author's note: I don't really have a laptop. But I can dream can't I?) Dan: So what did you did you think? Kyle: Oh we loved it! It was better than a trip to Disney World! Dan: Well to tell you the truth I didn't like it so much either. Stan: (Alert) Does this mean your retiring? Dan: (Annoyed) No, it does not... -Groans- Dan: You see I first started with a SnowCalico type fic with you going to mystical places... Cartman: Which sucked ass. Dan: And this one I tried something slightly like the real episodes... Cartman: Which sucked more ass. Dan: And now I'm going to try one more possibility... Cross-overs. Cartman: Which is going to suck more ass then ever though possible! Dan: Do you want another rock? Cartman: No sir. Dan: Well see you guy again soon now scat get out of here. Cartman: (Under his voice) Yeah tell me to scat. I get you back someday. -They leave- ~{Real Fin}~ Well what I said was true, I'm going to start writing cross-overs. And I know most cross-overs suck. But I'm not doing when characters from different shows come to South Park, just the opposite. Here's a list of possible cross-overs: CARTAIR (Parody of CONAIR) Parkfield (Last episode of Sienfeld) Cube (Parody of Sphere) It's My Line(The boys on the Game show Whose Line is it anyway?) Well one again comments can be posted at alt.tv.southpark or can be E-mailed to; [email]

hanson sucks no questions asked

just wondering if this is the brilliant uk show or the us one. incidentlly what's the us show like? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - if you talk to god, you are praying; if god talks to you, you have schizophrenia (Thomas Szasz)

remember as you're walking down the road of life... hitchhike, its faster! (Bart Simpson)

Wallace355 wrote:

<cool fanfic snipped>

I loved it! It was very funny! :) I'd write more, but I'm not very speech-ish right now.

~Kyle "AHA! I'm not very *ELOQUENT* at this moment!" Broslofski~