Dark Dan's Fanfic Review
Here it is, the first fanfic review! If you don't like it ,tough , you can't say "Screw you you're not the only South Park fanfic reviewer out there!" because I am. Well I hope you like it.
Dan: My review today is by Martin Hazelbower titled "Without my anus." Here is a copy of the fic:
Without My Anus A South Park Episode by Martin Hazelbower Based on a True Story
Titles and theme song.
In the classroom. GARRISON is drawing a big, complicated diagram on the blackboard.
GARRISON: So you see? This flowchart conclusively proves that the FBI is conspiring with the Cubans and the Pope to broadcast long-wave radio signals causing my hair loss and impotence. Any questions?
Every kid in the room raises their hand. GARRISON ignores them.
GARRISON: Good. I hate having to explain myself to you scruffy little brats. Next on the agenda, did everyone bring their item to place in the time capsule?
STAN: No, I think we all forgot.
CARTMAN: Mister Garrison, what's a...
GARRISON (interrupting him): What's a time capsule. You ignoramus! Everyone takes something from their lives and puts it in a box. Then we put all your parents' stuff into the box too, seal it, and open it in thirty years when I can blackmail you all with the contents.
CARTMAN: I was going to say, what's an item?
GARRISON takes a bottle of pills from his pocket, pops a handful, and washes it down with a slug of vodka from a bottle in his desk.
GARRISON: You little bastards are driving me to substance abuse!
PIP: I have my item, sir.
GARRISON: Thank God.
PIP: It's a thimble.
GARRISON: A thimble?
PIP: Oh yes, I'm quite the amateur thimbleologist. We can examine my thimble in thirty years and compare and contrast with the futuristic thimble technology we will have then.
CARTMAN: God damn, you suck Pip.
GARRISON: Does anyone else have theirs?
DIRTY KID (the one sitting in the front row of the class): I have a tumbleweed.
GARRISON: Wonderful. For our time capsule, we have one thimble and one tumbleweed. And your parents donated this.
He picks a package up from his desk and opens it. Inside there's a videotape.
GARRISON: Oh, it's a videotape. And there's a note. "Dear Children, we have made you a video to answer the questions you will have thirty years from now, such as Kenny McCormick's face under his hood, Cartman's true parentage, and the twisted secrets that are Chef's past. Hopefully when you are all thirty-eight you will be able to handle the earthshaking answers and their incredible ramifications." Hmm, sounds interesting. Now children, gather round and watch the capsule be built.
Everyone gets up and crowds around GARRISON as he drops the thimble, tumbleweed, video and note into a box. He closes the box.
GARRISON: Now children, this capsule works by the honor system. I'm going to leave it under the steps, outside the school. I'm trusting you not to open it for thirty years.
CLYDE: What if we've moved out by then?
GARRISON: Ha. The don't call this town the "Death Pit with No Escape" for nothing.
CLYDE: Oh.
The bell rings. Everyone leaves.
CARTMAN's house. CARTMAN's taking all sorts of food out of the fridge and piling it on the counter as the other scamps sit on the counter by the sink and look on.
CARTMAN: Where's those deviled eggs?
He roots around in the fridge.
KYLE: How can you eat all that stuff? Look at this!
He looks through the pile of food.
KYLE: Canned doughnuts... Cheezy Chocolate... Mooky Loaf... Dandruff Bits... buttered margarine...
CARTMAN: I'll have you know that I'm a growing boy!
He takes everything on the counter and wads it up between two slices of bread.
KENNY: (How are you going to be able to swallow all this shit?)
CARTMAN ignores him, takes a bottle of chocolate syrup, and empties it all over his sandwich. The sandwich is half as tall as him by now and almost as wide.
CARTMAN: Voila! Eric the wonderful chef pulls off a masterpiece!
He grabs the sandwich and bundles it into the microwave.
STAN: You do know that eating makes you fat, don't you?
CARTMAN: No, that's just an old wives' tale.
He presses a few buttons on the microwave. It starts, then explodes in a bubbling splash of sandwich slop. The microwave door flies off its hinges and spins into KENNY's throat like a ninja star. KENNY grasps at his throat and falls over into the sink. His flailing arms hit a button on the wall marked "TRASH COMPACTOR." The compactor sucks him up and sprays him out in a bubbly red geyser, all over CARTMAN.
STAN: Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
CARTMAN: Goddammit, now I have to take a shower! Go home!
STAN: What an asshole.
STAN and KYLE leave.
In CARTMAN's bathroom. CARTMAN's silhouette is visible through the shower curtain, as he dances around and sings in the shower.
CARTMAN (in a high, screechy, incredibly loud voice): So close, no matter how far, couldn't be much more from the heart, forever trust in who we are, and nothing else matters, never opened myself this way, life is ours to live in our way...
In the kitchen. CARTMAN's voice can still be heard. He's still singing "Nothing Else Matters." CARTMAN'S MOM staggers in, hands over her ears. She collapses to the ground.
CARTMAN'S MOM: Goodbye, cruel world!
On KITTY, twitching on the floor.
At night, in STAN's bedroom. He lies awake in his bed.
On the clock by his bed. It says "2:30."
STAN: I can't take it anymore!
He gets up and phones KYLE. The screen splits in two; one half shows STAN, the other KYLE.
KYLE: Hello?
STAN: Hey.
KYLE: You can't sleep either, huh?
STAN: Nope. I keep wondering about that videotape.
KYLE: Well dude, let's go and check it out!
STAN: Isn't that stealing?
KYLE: Probably.
STAN: Isn't stealing wrong, or something?
KYLE: Maybe, I forget. You should ask the Lord for guidance.
STAN: Okay, I'll phone you and tell you what he said.
KYLE: Bye.
They hang up. STAN phones JESUS.
JESUS (tired and confused): Hello?
STAN: Hey Jesus, is it okay to...
JESUS: Yeah, yeah, sure. Blessed art thou. Bye.
He hangs up and goes back to sleep.
STAN: Cool!
Outside the school, at night. The scamps arrive.
STAN: It's supposed to be right here.
CARTMAN: Let's get it and go, this place looks haunted.
KYLE: You're scared of everything, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Am not!
KYLE: Hey Cartman, you have a click beetle on your hair.
CARTMAN screams and jumps three feet into the air.
KYLE: Ha, you're scared of click beetles.
CARTMAN: Hey, click beetles are scary. One time my friend's friend's uncle's roommate tried to dry his pet click beetle off in the microwave, and the microwave made it crazy, and it ate him, and then it exploded! All over him!
KYLE: Oh, shut up.
CARTMAN: You shut up, you copronecropedophiliac!
KYLE: Copronecropedophiliac?
STAN: That's when you have sex with a *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP* and you *BLEEP* *BLEEP* the *BLEEP* *BLEEP* ass *BLEEP* *BLEEP* scoop *BLEEP* out of it *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP*.
KYLE: Whoa!
STAN: Now shut up, I'm going to get the video.
He goes under the stairs and comes back a second later with the video.
CARTMAN: We can watch it at my house. My mom won't wake up.
KYLE: She's still sleeping off the world record gang bang, eh?
CARTMAN: Screw you guys!
CARTMAN's house, at night. The scamps sit on the sofa.
STAN: Here we go.
He lifts the remote control and presses a button. The TV starts to play the video.
On the TV screen. STAN'S DAD is sitting on a chair, reading lines off a piece of paper.
STAN'S DAD: Er... ahem. If you are... seeing this... you are thirty-eight years old and mature enough to handle... the earthshaking truth about everything... you know. First off, Eric Cartman's real parents are...
The screen dissolves into static, and then becomes solid black. A caption appears on the screen.
ANNOUNCER: And now it's time once again for the HBC Movie Of The Week.
CARTMAN (O.S.): Goddammit! Someone recorded over this!
Zoom in further on the screen, until it's the only thing visible.
ANNOUNCER: Canada's hottest action stars!
TERRANCE's head appears on the screen.
ANNOUNCER: Terrance Mackenzie!
PHILIP's head appears next to TERRANCE's.
ANNOUNCER: Philip McCrack!
They fade out.
ANNOUNCER: In the epic story of loss and betrayal that shocked a generation!
Caption: Based on a True Story.
A road. Slowly pan across it, until we come to a sign. Zoom in on the sign. It reads "Welcome to Canada. Population 1500."
Huge fancy caption: Without My Anus.
VOICE (STAN): Kickass!