The True Meaning of Love My Belated Valentine's Fanfic
NOTE: Sheila Broslofski is *mentioned* without permission of her creator, Kyle Broslofski, and if I made you angry, Jess, I'll just, well, apologize. <g> Originally, the 'Theif' part was gonna be a whole sub-plot, but I decided to make the main plot run through most of the story.
[*** SCENE: Mr. Garrison's Room ***]
Mr. Garrison: Good news, children! We got your Iowa Basic
grades back!
Pip: Yay! That's wonderf-
Mr. Garrison: Shut up, Pip.
Pip: Right-o.
Mr. Garrison: Anyway, it seems your scores sucked total deer
schlong, except, of course, for Wendy Testaburger,
who scored 110%, which is odd considering there aren't
any extra-credit problems.
Wendy: Yay!
Stan: Wendy?
Wendy: Yes?
Stan: I love you! (muchos smooches)(Wendy wakes up, with really bad hair, hair so bad you pray you never, ever have it that bad.) Wendy: F<bleeeep>!
(She sits there stewing for a while, then perks up as she remembers-) Wendy: It's the first school day after Valentine's! I get to see my Stanney-Bear!
[*** SCENE: Mr. Garrison's Room ***] Mr. Garrison: Did you children have a good Valentine's day? Class: No. Mr. Garrison: Good, mine sucked ass too. Kyle: What happened, dude? Mr. Garrison: Well,teacher spent the night in jail, and-
[*** FLASHBACK TIME.... ***] (Mr. Garrison is driving down the road on Valentine's night, through the red light district. He stops next to a group of... erm... working girls) Mr. Garrison: Evenin', ladies? One of you need an escort? Prostitute #1: Oh, look at that puppet! He's so cute! Mr. Hat: I double as a dildo, ladies! (They carry off Mr. Hat, leaving Mr. Garrison alone) Mr. Garrison: Noooo! Nooo! My soulmate... sold me out!!! (He gets out of the car, and punches the nearest store window, right as Barbrady drives by.) Barbrady: What exactley are you doing, sir? Mr. Garrison: Oh, officer Barbrady. I was just... testing the strength of this window. Barbrady: Uh-huh. Mr. Garrison: It failed. Barbrady: Allright, in the car, Mister!
[*** END FLASHBACK, to Mr. Garrison's Room ***]
Wendy: Stan, you know what day today is, don't you?
Stan: Yeah, it's President's Day.
Cartman: Eh, why the hell do we not get President's day off? If
I was the President, I'd be all, like "You will give me
my day off, or I will kick you squa' in the Constitution!"
Kyle: Dude, Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: You know?
Wendy: Cartman, President's Day is to celebrate Washington and
Lincoln, not the current president.
Stan: What's so special about President's Day?
Wendy: It's the day after Valentine's Day, silly! The day for lovers
to kiss?
Stan: L- l- love?!
Wendy: Of course, silly!
Stan: AaaaaaH!(Stan jumps out the nearest window)
Mr. Garrison: You said the 'l-word,' didn't you, Wendy? Wendy: Yeah.... Mr. Garrison: I almost lost Mr. Hat that way.
Cartman: Dude, Stan ran like there was a chicken up his butt. Kenny: Mpppph mpppph mppph! Kyle: Sick, Kenny!
[*** SCENE: The Streets of South Park ***] (Stan is walking along. All of a sudden, Pip walks up behind him) Pip: Hello, chap. Stan: Oh, hey, Pip. Pip: Why are you out today, chap? Stan: I ran out on my girlfriend? And you? Pip: I'm going to see my true love, Estella. Stan: You mean Sheila? Pip: No, I mean Estella, the one Miss Havisham meant me to be with. Stan: Who's Miss Havisham? Pip: She's the rich old lady that lives in the run-down mansion, Satis House. Stan: What run-down mansion? Pip: That one.
(He points to a dilapidated, run-down old house, with thunderclouds behind it and lightning striking constantley.)
Stan: Oh, *that* run-down mansion.
[*** Commercial ***]
[*** SAME SCENE: Outside the Mansion ***] Stan: Wow. That's a pretty run-down place. Pip: Yes. You wanna come along? Stan: Sure, I guess.
(They enter the mansion and climb a flight of stairs, stopping for Pip to knock at a door) Miss Havisham: Enter!
(The walk into the room. All of the clocks are stopped at 9:20. Miss
Havisham is in a faded wedding dress.)
Pip: Hello, Estella.
Estella: Hello, common boy.
Pip: This is Stan, Miss Havisham, and he has a question about love.
Miss Havisham: You want to know about love?
Stan: Not really, b-
Miss Havisham: Love is something that waits to totally sweep you off
your feet so you will do anything, anything for it! You
are blinded by it! It sucks you in! And then, it leaves you
broken and heartless, as it did to me!
Stan: What?
Miss Havisham: You ever heard that song 'Love Sucks?'
Stan: NO...
Miss Havisham: It's good advice. Now go! You will get nothing!
Stan: Okay...
Miss Havisham: Why must I be tortured so?!
Stan: OKay, you're on crack or something, right?[*** SCENE: Mr. Garrison's Room ***]
(Mr. Garrison has basically been ignoring Stan's absence)
Mr. Garrison: And so, we find that there are even bones in the ear,
including the hammer, the stirrup, the spatula, and the
Volskwagon Bug, so...
Wendy: Hey, guys?
Kyle+Kenny+Cartman: Yeah?
Wendy: Will you go find Stan?
Cartman: Why don't you, huh? Aren't you two LUH-OVERS?
Wendy: Shut up, fatass!
Cartman: You call me fat one more time and I'm gonna smack you up!
Kyle: Sure we will, it's better than sitting in school.
Cartman: Will we get a reward?
Kenny: Mmmphl mppo mppd mpph?
Wendy: I think we're a little old to be playing horsey, Kenny.
Kenny: Heee heee heee...
Kyle: C'mon, let's go.(They get up, and get halfway to the door, when Mr. Garrison turns around.) Mr. Garrison: Boys, where are you going? Kyle: Uh... to the nurse's office. Mr. Garrison: Why? Kyle: Because.... uh,... Cartman's stomach hurts! Cartman: It does n- (Kyle punches Cartman in the gut) Cartman: Auuug! Myyy.... baby..... Mr. Garrison: Well, all right. Just hurry back.
[*** SCENE: Outside the school ***] Kyle: C'mon, hurry, he could be halfway to Denver by now! Kenny: {Maybe he sold his body for money.} Cartman: What? Like an organ doner?
(Kenny rolls his eyes)
(Barbrady pulls up) Barbrady: You boys aren't skipping school, are you?
(Short pause)
Kyle: No.
Barbrady: That's good, because there's been a lot of petty theft
going on in this town, and I'd hate to think that a bunch
of sweet little boys like you would be behind it.
Kyle; Thanks, Officer Barbrady.(Barbrady drives off, and his bumper and back window is missing, as well as the door to his trunk)
Cartman: Eh, if somebody stole something of mine, I'd like, give them a snooch, and see how they liked it! Kyle: What is a snooch, �artman? Cartman: Oh, you don't wanna know. Kyle: Kenny? Kenny: {It's where they hit you real quick in the nuts.} Kyle: What if a girl stole something of yours, Cartman? Cartman: I'd snooch 'em, the same, says I! Kenny: {Last time I checked, girls don't have nuts...} Cartman: What?! Kyle: Well, your mom does!
(Kyle and Kenny laugh)
[*** SCENE: Outside Chef's House ***] Stan: If anybody knows about love, it's Chef.
(Stan knocks on the door, and Chef answers it) Chef: Children? What are you doing outside of school? Stan: I need to know about love, Chef. Chef: Sorry, but I don't know much about love, s-- Stan: But you're always talking about making love, so-- Chef: Oh boy. Why don't you come inside.
(Stan comes in and they sit on the couch) Chef: Now, there's a difference. Stan: What? Chef: You don't really have to be *in love* to *make love.* Stan: What? Isn't that like an oxymoron? Chef: Well, I- Stan: Never mind, dude, this love stuff is too complicated!
[*** COMMERCIAL ***]
[*** SCENE: Streets of South Park ***] Kyle: Dude, we're never gonna find Stan! Cartman: Eh, there's Pip! Maybe Frenchy knows! Hey, PIP!
(Pip is skipping down the sidewalk, singing.) Kyle: What're you so happy about, Frog? Pip: Estella let me kiss her, woo-hoo! Cartman: *WHAT?!* YOU TOUCHED YOUR CURSED LIPS TO MY SHEILA-BEAR?! Pip: N- no, the Estella that lives in the run-down mansion. Cartman: What run-down mansion? Pip: That one. (He points to the mansion, which now has high winds and shreiks coming from within) Cartman: Oh, *that* run-down mansion... Kyle: Listen, Pip. Have you seen Stan? Pip: When we left, he was heading for Chef's house. Kyle: C'mon, let's go.
[*** SCENE: Outside Chef's House ***]
(Stan is sitting on the sidewalk as Kyle et all approach)
Kyle: Stan, dude!
Stan (dejected, jaded): What?
Kyle: C'mon, Wendy's looking for you!
Stan: I dunno, I haven't found out what love means.
Kyle: Well, I think I've learned something about love today. I've
learned that love isn't about marriage, or buying a house,
or stuff like that. It's about just really liking someone. And
you really like Wendy, right?
Stan: Yeah.
Kyle: So go get her, tiger!
Stan: OK!(They start walking back) Kenny: {And I've learned something today, too.} Stan: Really? Kenny: {I've learned that love isn't about really liking someone. It's about wild, irrational sex!} Stan: All... right.... Cartman: Gee, how'd I know that was coming?
[*** SCENE: Mr. Garrison's Room ***] Mr. Garrison: Now then, tornadoes are caused when Roseanne gets pissed of, and-- (The Scamps enter) Mr. Garrison: Well, look who's back. (They take their seats) Wendy: Hi, Stan. Stan: Hey, Wendy. Wendy: So how about we kiss? Stan: OKay...
(Dramatic music plays as they move in for their first 'on-camera', non-flashback kiss. The music builds as they get closer and closer, until...)
(A bulletin board falls on Kenny, smashing his head. Stan pulls back from his near-kiss, for the classic line:) Stan: Oh my God! Kenny ruined my kiss! Wendy: You bastard! Kyle: Hey! Don't steal my line, bitch! Cartman: Eh, only I get to call her a bitch, freakazoid! Kyle: s<bleep> driver! Cartman: c<bleep> sucker! Wendy: Stan, aren't you gonna do something? Stan: Not really? Kyle: Ape humper! Cartman: Dicklick! Wendy: This could go on for a while... Stan: It's better than listening to *him.*
(points at Garrison)
Garrison: So anyway, we learned today about the body, and
tornadoes, and all sorts of fun stuff. Now remember
your homework, which is to find that goddamn theif!(He looks down, and sees his pants are missing) Garrison: Dammit! I was waiting until Thursday to do this!
THE END!
So how was it? It wasn't ultra-cheesy, I hope.
the_davester