Heylo! Well I have a new fic which has a little kinda preview in it but I just hope you don't notice. As usual all comment are welcome! A special thanks to Jess for putting up with me and my crazy self :) -me
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Jess, Fanfics and the evil plot
[Theme Song]
(Insert legal crap here) The character Sheila� is used with expressed written consent of "Jess" Jess has also expressed written consent to appear in this fic.
[Alley in South Park, everyone is there (boys and Sheila)]
(Silence)
Sheila: Wait, WHY are we here again?
Cartman: Where the :beep: are we?
Kyle: Some alley�
Stan: Listen, Jess has gone insane!!
Sheila: Jess?
Kyle: Your smart! Ya know, the crazy fanfic writer that gave you that annoying furry thing to wear once!
Sheila: That girl pisses me off!! Wait, then how can we be here. Who's
writing this?
Kyle: I dunno but she's letting us adlib!
Sheila: Ok, how do we get rid of Jess?
Stan: Let's convince this writer she's crazy and then maybe she can convince people to take her to the mental hospital!
Cartman: Well how the hell are we supposed to do that! I know this fanfic writer! She's the one that had them throw me in the volcano! She's crazy too!
Ann (me): Hey you little turd! I can make cheezy poofs disappear ya know!
Cartman: Aww you son of a bitch!
Sheila: Hey! If you take away Cartman's cheezy poofs I will shove a pinwheel up your ass!
Ann: I'll make Cartman a girl! Don't threaten me�I'll do it!
Sheila: That's it, all fic writers are evil! Why do I even try!
Ann: You just act like bastards that's all! Why is it our fault! If you get all bitchy why would I be nice to you?
Sheila: Cuz I have pinwheels that cause pain.
Ann: And I have more power than you do, I can make you a guy and make your pinwheels disappear! Actually�
Sheila: NOOOOOOO! No! I'm sorry ok, don't turn me into a guy!
Kyle: Can you help us? Jess is crazy�and my butt really hurts!
Ann: Did you even get that pinwheel from last time out?
Kyle: Yeah but my ass still hurts!
Stan: Dude, can't you at least admit Jess is just a little crazy! You don't even want to read her latest fic!!
Ann: I already did, it's funny as hell!
Cartman: Aeh! Your not the one that got turned into an avocado!
Kyle: Or a porkchop!
Stan: Or a hamburger!
Kenny: (Or a carrot!)
Ann: Well she does do some crazy things�but she's not ALL that bad!
Kenny: (Why don't we let Sheila shove a beeping pinwheel up your beeping
ass and lets see how you feel about it!)
[Sheila picks up a pinwheel and walks toward Ann, and leans toward paper
and starts writing quickly. A bolt of lightning comes from the sky and Cartman is in a skirt.]
Cartman: (in high voice) What the! Aiiiih (girly scream) How dare you turn me into a girl.
Kyle: Haha! Cartman's a girl!
Sheila: Augh! My poor Cartman! You evil bitch! You turn him back or I
don't care what you think you can do this pinwheel is headed straight up
your ass!
Ann: Sheila, you are NOT shoving a pinwheel up my ass! (writes again)
[Bolt of lightning comes from sky again�Sheila disappears]
Sheila (voice): You evil bitch! Get me down from here!
[Boys look up, Sheila is trapped on top of the building.]
Kyle: Dude! How are you doing that!
Ann: Just a pencil and paper, (to Sheila) promise not to shove a pinwheel up my ass!
Sheila: Ok, fine�(drops pinwheel)
[Pinwheel falls on ground and bounces emits a green lazer ray which zaps
and kills Kenny.]
Stan: Ohh my god! Sheila killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Sheila: Did not! You take that back!
Cartman: (still in high voice) Sheila didn't do anything to you or Kenny
so SHUT UP!
Kyle: What does Sheila want with you anyway! You�re a girl!
Ann: (writes a lot, Sheila is down from the roof and Cartman is male again.) See, that is why us fanfic writers are so crazy.
Stan: Why?
Ann: Because we have the power to do anything we want to. Bring people back to life (writes a bit, Kenny re-appears)
Stan: Hey Kenny!
Kenny: (hi guys)
Ann: Kill people (writes more, lightning bolt comes out of sky and kills
Kenny again)
Stan: Ohh my god, they killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Ann: It's intoxicating. Actually Kyle, I'm wondering what you would look like in a skirt!
Kyle: No! Augh! Shenanigans! You�you�..you better not!
Ann: See, it's like being a genie with a bigger living space!
Stan: Woah dude!
Ann: But fun!
Sheila: But Jess is still worse than you! And we need to get rid of her!
Ann: A little bit�but not really.
Kyle: Goddamnit I thought you would understand!
Ann: Well, so what? A pinwheel up the ass here and there, it's all in the name of good humor.
Cartman: There's ice cream? Dude sweet! I was getting hungry!
Kyle: No fatass, she doesn't mean the beeping ice cream.
Cartman: Aww weak. I'm so hungry.
Stan: Cartman�your always hungry.
Sheila: AUGH! Do not make fun of Cartman unless you want a pinwheel up the ass! I'll shove it so far up there you won't find it till the snow melts!
Stan: Dude, ahhhh! No, don't! I wasn't making fun of him!
Sheila: Appologize to Cartman you fanoopel, I've got an extra pinwheel!
Stan: Fine! Cartman, sorry I made fun of you being fat and hungry all the time!
Ann: (laughing)
Sheila: What the hell are you laughing at!
Ann: Won't find it till the snow melts�that was funny.
Cartman: Dude, this is weak! I'm so hungry. I wanna go home and get some cheezy poofs.
Ann: Damnit Cartman, shut up! Would you stop eating for 5 minutes?
Sheila: Augh! You bitch DO NOT tell my Cartman to shut up or I'll shove
a pinwheel up your ass when you are asleep! I know where you live and I'll do it!
Ann: Fine fine (writes, cheezy poofs appear in Cartman's hands.)
Cartman: Dude sweet! (starts eating)
Ann: Get we get on with what you dragged me out here for? I'm tired, it's midnight!
Kyle: When you wrote that one about the superbowl and some bitch named Hanna you were up till like one!
Ann: It's HENNA, and your point? I'm tired!
Stan: Damnit! Ok well we are asking you to help us commit Jess into a Mental hospital.
Ann: (eyes closed sleeping)
Sheila: REVENGE OF THE PINWHEELS!!! (starts toward Ann with a sudden armor of pinwheels)
Kyle: WWWAAAAKKKEEE-UUUUPPPPP!
Ann: (jumps out of seat) AUGH! Sheila! Cartman is gonna be in a skirt if you don't put that down!
Sheila: (mumbles curses and other mean things, hits Kyle) Thanks a lot!
Ann: Ok, that's it you little bastards! I'm going to sleep!
Cartman: Noooo!
Stan: Please listen to us!
Kyle: Jess is crazy, we have to bring her to a mental hospital!
Ann: I'm her friend. I can't!
Cartman: Goddamnit! I'll make sure Sheila finds you and shoves a pinwheel up your ass when you are sleeping!
Ann: Ohh puhlease! Before I go I will write out Sheila. Big deal!
Kyle: Dude you'll what!?!
Ann: Write her out. Kill her, or make her randomly disappear. Something freaky like that and then write it so everyone that ever knew Sheila gets an odd case of amnesia where they only forget her.
Sheila: You better not!
Cartman: Aeh! I'll kick you square in the NUTS!
Ann: And I'll make you the only living male without nuts!
Kyle: Dude, your freakier than Jess!
Stan: Augh! Maybe Jess will commit you a hospital. You need to be there. That sick dude!
Kyle: What the hell is the sound?
Ann: What sound?
Stan: Ice Ice what?
Ann: Ohh, I have my new Vanilla Ice CD in.
Sheila: VANILLA ICE! Your kidding right?
Ann: No it's really funny.
Cartman: Haha, you bastard! You suck so bad.
Ann: Cartman, did you like that skirt THAT much?
Cartman: son of a bitch!
Kyle: Could you please turn this crap off?
Stan: My ears hurt!
Ann: You�re a bunch of whining bastards, but fine. (turns off music) There you happy?
Kyle: Yes!
Stan: So will you put Jess in a mental institution? Please please pleasE?
Ann: But she's my friend!
Sheila: She does have a few problems you know.
Cartman: Yeah, write in Hanna. She's supposed to be you right, she'll tell you what to do.
Ann: It's HENNA!! Henna and Sheila in the same fic? Do you think that would work Cartman?
Sheila: Who the hell is Henna?
Ann: She's my own south park character.
Sheila: Is she like you?
Ann: Well yeah, but she does get kinda bitchy�
Sheila: Oh beep this. Just write her in and let her decide! You have to promise to do what she says though!
Cartman: Yeah or I'll kick you square in the NUTS!
Ann: Fine fine, hold on (writes paper, Henna appears in Drew Bledsoe jersey and jeans.)
Henna: Umm�hi? What the beep am I doing here?
Ann: Hi! (waves)
Sheila: Ok, here's the deal, you haven't met this fic writer yet but this girl is crazy! Her name is Jess and since you are Ann kinda, well should Ann help us put her in a mental institution or not?
Henna: Is she really that crazy?
Sheila: Do you really need to see the feather thing that I'm sure is still alive?
Henna: No thanks, if she's crazy put her in a mental institute!
Kyle + Cartman + Sheila + Stan: Woo-Hoo!
Ann: Goddamnit Henna! You weren't supposed to say that!
Henna: Why not?
Ann: That's it! (writes, Henna disappears in a cloud of smoke.)
Cartman: Watch it asshole!
Ann: Ok, lemme go write Jess an email.
[Shows me wearing my baggy jeans and a blue shirt with red striped down the side, and my New Balance sneakers. Type at my computer.]
Ann: (turns back to kids in south park) Ok she's on her way over.
Cartman: Sweet!
[Jess walks into kinda split screen of writers and south park kids, don't ask me how to explain it or animate it, I'm just a fic writer!]
Jess: Hey, what is going on here?
Kyle: Ahhhhhh!
[Everyone runs and hides]
Ann: By the time I count to three you better haul your asses out here! ONE�.
[Everyone runs back out.]
Jess: What are you afraid of anyway! I'm not writing just visiting a friend.
Sheila: Well�aren't you going to tell her?
Ann: Uhh Jess, I really don't want to do this. But they all say your crazy. And I brought out Henna and she said that we should put you in a
mental hospital. I didn't think Henna would say it but she is supposed to be an evil bitch and�
Jess: What?!? (is grabbed by two guys in white suits that say hellz pass mental hospital) What the?
Ann: I'm REALLY sorry�.
Cartman: Hah! That's it for you you you you�bitch!
Ann: Hey! Cartman, I'm gonna WRITE a pinwheel up your ass!
Jess: That's it! No one is taking me away. (manages to reach in pocket
and pull out pinwheels, shove pinwheels up two guards asses.)
Guard #1: Oww you crazy bitch! Ohh God this hurts like hell!
Guard #2: Damn! Jake, I told you we should have just taken that job at the pet store!
Jake (Guard #1): Beep this. Mike lets run for it before she finds any MORE pinwheels!
(Guards seen running away. Jess stands and smiles.)
Jess: Now Ann�(pulls out a special pinwheel that is extra painful) No, please, let me do the honors! (shoves pinwheel up Cartman's ass.)
Cartman: Aww�beeeeeppp! You beep! Ohh ow! Ow ow�(starts hoping around
on one foot.)
Sheila: You evil bitch! I�I�..my poor Cartman!
Ann: Yes! You go Jess, I'm sorry about that.
Jess: It's ok. Now to get these little bastards to leave me alone. (Pulls out revolving colored disco ball.) Hey you little bastards! Look at this!
[All boys look up, eyes start to get that swirly thing when people are being hypnotized.]
Jess: (swings disco ball back and forth) now I'm not crazy, I'm your best friend. You all love Jess the fic writer don't you?
Sheila+Cartman+Kyle+Stan: (hypnotized monotone voice) Yes.
Jess: Good, now be nice, when I snap my fingers you will want to be very
nice to me and never be mean. When you are mean it will feel like there
is a pinwheel being shoved up your ass. (snaps fingers)
Kyle: Woah dude!
Stan: What the hell just happened?
Cartman: Oww�my ass hurts.
Kyle: Dude, Sheila you shoved a pinwheel up Cartman's ass?
Sheila: Ohh my poor Cartman! I didn�t mean too. Hold on (removes pinwheel) Eww (throws it in dumpster).
Cartman: Ahh much better.
Stan: Hey look it's Jess! Our best friend.
Sheila: Hey Jess, could you write another fic? Can I be the star?
Cartman: Sweet, I'm hanging out with Jess!
Ann: (laughs) Mrs. Popularity? Hmm�that kicks ass.
Jess: Ohh don't worry, by the next fic they will be back to their usual fanoopelness.
Ann: Is that even a word?
Jess: This is a fanfic Ann, not a English paper!
Ann: True, all's fair in love war and fanfiction.
Jess: Whatever the hell that means.
[The End!]