Sorry about the delay. Jewish holidays and all that. Here's part two.
The Nexus of All Realities, Part Deux -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------- Note: This fic takes place before "Chef Aid" <Scene: The forest. The scamps, the Druid (formerly the Soothsayer. Druid is easier to type) and Wallace and Grommit standing around waiting for the show to resume>
Announcer: <off screen> When we last left our heroes...
Kyle: 'Bout goddam time Jeremy got off his ass.
Announcer: ...the kids, having gotten lost on the way to school, ran into a druid who was guarding the Nexus of All Realities, a doorway between the universes. Then Fatass ate it.
Cartman: AY! <coughs up Pepe Le Pew>
Announcer: And now the boundaries between realities are breaking down, and people and things from other dimensions are coming into our universe through Cartman's digestive tract. And now, without further ado, here's a half hour of completely unrelated material.
Stan: Dammit!
Announcer Two: Hold on! You can't do that!
A1: Watch me! And now, thirty minutes of poutaine recipes! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
A2: You've gone mad.
A1: Mad, am I? I'll destroy you! I'll destoy you ALL!
A2: You'll have to go through me!
<the kids are looking nervous. Cartman coughs up Richard Nixon>
A1: So be it!
<Sounds of a fight off screen. It is an epic struggle, but eventually we hear a shot.>
A1: Wouldn't listen, would you. Now I must find a Hefty bag, yes. No one will know... Oh sh*t, I left the mike on.
< A hail of gunfire. A1 screams and dies>
Announcer Three: <thick German accent> Nossink hass happened here. Ve now continue der cartoon.
Stan: But..
A3: I SAID CONTINUE!!!!
Stan: I forgot where we were when we left off.
<Cartman coughs up Elvis>
Stan: Oh.
Druid: We'd better get him to a hospital. Then I can perform the ritual.
Kyle: Hold on a second. What exactly is going on here?
Druid: The Nexus manifests every twenty years. The most recent time was in 1978.
<Screen gets all wobbly. Yep, it's a flashback>
<SCENE: An island resort. A tall guy in white and a midget are here.>
Tattoo: De plane, boss, de plane.
Roarke: Shut up. That was amusing once. This is the hundredth time, and I want to slap you.
Tattoo: Okay boss. Here are de guest stars for de week. First up is Malcolm MacDowell, star of "A Clockwork Orange".
Roarke: Ah, he'll never amount to anything. Take him away.
Malcolm: Och, I'll kill ye! I'll have yer flippin' job, ye codwuppin' glingagger!
Roarke: Not likely. Who's next?
Tattoo: Here is Charo, boss.
Charo: Kootchie Kootchie!
Roarke: Charo, you've been on the show many times now, and I'd like to know one thing.
Charo: Yes?
Roarke: Who the f*ck are you?
Charo: What?
Roarke: I mean it. What exactly do you do? Have you done anything at all that can be construed as entertaining? Do you have any talent at all, or are you just some stupid bitch with an idiotic catch phrase?
Charo: Uhh... Kootchie Kootchie?
Roarke: Get her out of my sight.
<Charo is dragged of by Roarke's goons>
Charo: <sobbing> But this is all I HAVE!
Tattoo: Next is William Shatner.
Roarke: <suddenly intense> Shaaaatnerrrrrrr.
Shatner: So... it... APPEARS!!.... thatwemeet... again.
Roarke: Yessssss, my old nemesis. It appears we meet again, but this time, the advantage is mine. I have you right where I want I want you. There is an old Klingon saying, "A bird in the hand is worth three-fifty if you have a coupon and it is on saaaaaaaale...."
Shatner: You have... me... but... youDON'T... have my credit! card! number!
Roarke: Rats.
Malcolm: <off screen> I'LL KILL YE TOO, SHATNER!
Tattoo: Excuse me, boss, but you haven't fed me in three weeks.
Roarke: Hmmm, if dead midgets start turning up, OSHA will have my ass on a plate for sure... Here's a bag of Cheesy Poofs, Tattoo.
Tatttoo: Sweeeeeeeeeet.
<Tattoo eats the Cheesy Poofs hungrily, then he starts clutching his stomach and coughs up David Brenner>
Roarke: Finally, a decent guest star!
<end flashback>
Cartman: I don't want washed up comedians coming outta my ass!
Druid: Then we'd better get you to a hospital quickly. Kwasi-noho-ni-hayaku!
<A whirlwind appears and picks up the boys and the druids>
<Scene: Hell's Pass Hospital. The Clooney-esque doctor is here with a hot- looking nurse. So is Mr. Garrisson and Mr. Twig>
Doctor: Well, Mr. Garrisson, it appears the tests are all negative.
Garrisson: Well, isn't that a relief, Mr. Twig?
Mr. Twig: It sure is, Mr. Garrisson!
< The whirlwind appears and leaves the scamps and the Druid in its wake>
Druid: Not a moment to spare!
Cartman: Mah ass hurts!
Stan: Uh-oh!
Doctor: We have to get him to the operating room, stat! The we strip off all his clothes, lie him on his stomach, and pry his ass open.
Kyle: Your last name wouldn't be "Wonmug" by any chance, would it?
Doctor: Nurse Gardner, prep him. Kids, try not to stare at her prehensile tail.
Kenny: (How could I not? I mean, do any of you realize the potential here? She could wrap that thing around...)
Stan: Yeah...
<Scene: Operating room. Cartman is up on the table, naked and on his stomach>
Doctor: How do you feel?
Cartman: <sarcastic> Oh, I feel just fine. <Silent Bob climbs out of Cartman's ass> Why do you ask? <Jay follows, stops for a moment to fish out his stash>
Doctor: As long as you're comfortable.
Druid: Right, first I'll neet a quart of Shrimp Lo Mein.
Stan: Is that the first ingredient in the ritual?
Druid: No, I just want to order Chinese.
Stan: Oh, in that case, I'd like Mu Shu Pork.
Doctor: Sweet n' Sour Veal for me.
Cartman: <while Orson Welles is crawling out of his ass> Some General Tso's, please.
Welles: For me as well. YES!
Kenny: (And Sum Yung Gai for Garrisson)
Garrisson: Yeah, and Sum Yung Gai for me.. wait a minute... You go to hell! You go to hell and you DIE!
Kenny: (Been there, done that.)
A3: Vill Cartman get der nexus out of der heinie? Vill Roarke get der Genesis device? Vill Garrison get der Sum Yung Gai!
Garrisson: I'll kick your ass, Fritz!
A3: You vill find out next time!
TO BE CONTINUED!
JB "You know, there are many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane... It is up to people like you and me who are out of our tiny little minds to try and help these people overcome their sanity.'"- Rev. Arthur Belling