"Nancy Kerrigan Found Dead in South Park" (was "Klan and Style") (also was "Kyke and Ile") (also was "cop eats turd") (also was "one sick Jew")
[This South Park episode should noy be read, not by anyone. not ever, not once, not a single time.]
***
[the kids are in a bright sunny field in the middle of the woods]
Mr Garrison: "So class..."
Cartman: "HAY!!"
Mr. Garrison: "What is it, Eric."
Cartman: "Gad dammit, this is summer time; what-the hell are we doin' in school!?"
Mr. Garrison: "It's a field trip, Eric, and we're all here because we want to be, isn't that right class."
[the usual blank stares from the class]
Mr. Garrison: "Okay, have it your way. You're all prisoners and you're going to hate every minute of it." Stan: "Since when do we have field trips in the summer time? Pip: "Ooo! Back in old Blighty we did it all the time..." Cartman: "Hey PIP!" Pip: "Yes?" Cartman: "This.....is.....Ameri-KAHH." Pip: "Well I know, but..." Cartman: "And because it was Americ-KAH that pulled your tiny little asses out of the fire....oooooo let's see now, werldwar ONE, werldwar TWOOooooo...hmm...anyone see a pattern?" Stan: "I think what Eric's trying to say is 'screw off, Pip.'" Pip: "My heavens." Cartman: "Neh, neh, what I was tryin' to say is that Pip is just a weasly little kitty sack that should keep his filthy mouth closed." Pip: "Blimey."
Mr. Garrison: "Are we through Eric?"
Cartman: [thinking] "Hmm... Mmm'well I could say more about Pip and his pathetic little nation of losers and faggits....but I think it can wait."
Mr HAT: "Gee Mr. Garrison, that's rather thoughtful of little Eric, isn't it?" Mr. Garrison: "No, he's a fat little monster." Mr. HAT: "But Mr. Garrison!"
Cartman: "HAY!! I thought we was havin' a field trip he-yuh!"
Mr. Garrison: "Funny you should mention that Eric because we ARE on a field trip..." Mr. HAT: "But Mr. Garrison this is the middle of summer; what are all of the little children doing in school?" Mr. Garrison: "Don't think of it as school, Mr. Hat. Think of it as a lazy plot device to get the kids out of town and into a desolate forestland without too much ado, even though it's way too late for that now..."
Kyle: "I like field trips."
[blank stare from Mr. Garrison, blank stares from the class]
Cartman: "SHUT up KYE."
Mr. Garrison: "Anyway, the reason we are here is to study all of the wonderful species of flora and fauna created by mother nature for the sole purpose of giving us plenty of wide open space to erect more movie theatres and strip malls. Over there..." [cutaway to some trees] "there's going to be a Starbuck's and a laundromat, and over there..." [more trees] "another laundromat and a crack den." Mr. HAT: "But isn't that a reckless waste of natural resources?" Mr. Garrison: "Why not at all, Mr. Hat. As you can see, class, there isn't a single sole in this part of the woods. Nobody has any use for this crummy land while it's just some dumb old stupid forest."
Kyle: "My dad and I come up here fishing now and then."
Mr. Garrison: "Be quiet Kyle."
[brief shot of Kyle]
Mr. Garrison: "As I was saying, nobody's here in this forest because nobody wants to be, and that's because there aren't any cool things here to do or see."
Cartman: [raising his hand] "Misto Garrishennn?"
Mr. Garrison: "WHAT."
Cartman: "I found something really cool over by that pond."
Mr. Garrison: "What pond?"
[we see before us on the screen, a pond, amidst some trees]
Mr. Garrison: "Calling that a pond, Eric, is like calling Macho Man Randy Savage a sports entertainer."
Pip: "Ooo! I like wrestling!" Cartman: "Hey yeah. So do I..." Mr. Garrison: "Though I'd have to admit I've never actually seen His Madness peform, as it were." Mt. HAT: "But Mr. Garrison, what about that time....?" Mr. Garrison: "Shish! Not in front of the children, Mr. Hat." Mr. HAT: "But it was so...!" Mr. Garrison: "Not NOW, Mr. Hat."
Stan [to Cartman]: "What's so cool about that pond, Cartman?"
[another shot of the unremarkable pond]
Mr. Garrison: "There's nothing over by that pond; it's just Eric's fat little ego screaming for attention again. So don't feed the little boy's ego. Just forget about he pond. The pond is not there." Cartman: "I do believe...I see...a pond." Mr. Garrison: "We know that you see a pond, Eric; Nobody else sees the pond; Get it?" Cartman: "No." Mr. Garrison: "Now...if I may be allowed to get back to the purpose of this little excursion of ours, there once was a time when the native Ute tribes..."
Cartman: "OOO-tay? Who the hell were they?"
Mr. Garrison: "Just think of them as Indians, Eric."
Pip: "Ooo! I've been to India! So there are Indians in Colorado too?" Mr. Garrison: "NO, Pip..." Cartman: "Were there cowboys here too?"
Mr. Garrison: "Of course there were. There still are. That's why you don't see any Ute heathens slumming around South Park these days. Now if I may be allowed to reclaim my time?"
Cartman: "The floor.....yields."
Mr. Garrison: "Thank you, Mr. Cartman. Class, I direct your attention to that large, phallis-shaped boulder over there."
[we see a boulder that looks like a penis]
Mr. Garrison: "Uhh...."
[there is a pause]
Mr. Garrison: "No, forget about that boulder. What I meant to direct your attention to......before I got distracted by...."
[we see the penis boulder again]
Mr. Garrison: "Well savage my randy! That is one queer looking boulder." Mr. HAT: "Gee Mr. Garrison, I wonder why mother nature put that here." Mr. Garrison: "Why, why don't we go and ask her!"
[we see the penis rock for a third time, and a blank stare on Mr. Garrison's face; Mr. Garrison begins to smile]
Kyle: "Eh....Mr. Garrison." Cartman: "Quite, Kye, I think Mr. Garrison is having some serious visions, of the homo-shodomite variety."
[the class waits for Mr. Garrison to resume; we see his dumbfounded but happy stare, we see the rock again]
Mr. Garrison: "Y'know, class, I think this field trip was not such a bad idea after all."
Cartman: "Good. Can we go home now?"
Mr. Garrison: "Yes. This class is dismissed."
[Mr. Garrison slowly walks over toward the penis boulder]
Stan: "This sucks!" Cartman: "Yeah, how the hell are we supposed to get home?"
[Mr. Garrison is moving closer to the rock and not paying attention to the class]
Cartman: "Oh this is sweet, we're all stuck he-yuh now, really sweet, missing Terrance and Phillip, sitting on the dirt in the woods, yes, really sweet....GAD.......DAMMMAT!!!"
[Mr. Garrison stands before the penis-rock, and then faints]
Pip: "Aahh! He fainted!" Cartman: "Good! Finally a plot device I can manipulate to serve my own needs. Follow me, gezz!" Kyle: "Where are you going Cartman?" Cartman: "The POND!" Kenny: "*** **** * ***?" Cartman: "Shuttup Kenneh."
[*commerical break*] Cartman: "DAMMAT!!" [*commerical break*]
[the boys and Pip are standing in front of a pond]
Cartman: "Eh, Pip?" Pip: "Yes?" Cartman: "Do you recall me asking you to tag along with us like a sorry little monkey on a chain?" Pip: "Well, I..." Cartman: "Move along, little English chimp-boy." Pip: "But...I...there's nothing else to do here." Stan: "Go try to revive Mr. Garrison." Pip: "Ooo very well."
[Pip sullenly moves away]
Cartman [to himself]: "That's it, go see da-da.... Heh heh heh heh..."
Stan: "OK, Cartman, this had better be good. What the hell's so cool about this God damn pond of yours?"
Cartman: "Over here...."
[Cartman moves behind some trees and leads the boys though some woods]
Kyle: "Where are we headed, Cartman?"
[the boys are walking along a trail; Stan stops following]
Stan: "Cartman!!" Cartman: "It's just a little furthoe..." Stan: "WHAT's just a little further?" Cartman [wistfully]: "The most beautifoe thing I have evo seen."
[Kyle and Kenny stop following too, but Cartman keeps walking]
Stan [to Cartman]: "Beautiful? What the hell are you talking about?" Kyle: "Whatever it is, it'll be pretty f***ed up." Kenny: "*** ** * * * ***** * *" Stan: "That's a good point. We're no longer IN South Park, so how bad could it really be?" Stan [to Cartman]: "Hey FAT ass!!"
[Cartman wobbles down the trail into the distance, almost out of view]
Kyle: "So do we follow him or get sucked in?" Kenny: "*** * * **** * ******!!!"
[Kenny runs off to follow Cartman]
Stan: "Aw shucks, now we have to go along, just to watch Kenny get killed." Kyle: "Just so we can do our renown catch-phrases? Isn't that becoming lame?" Stan [agreeably]: "Indeed. They're getting a little stale these days." Kyle: "Yeah, I've been thinking the same thing. Let's try switching places for once." Stan: "Why not." Kyle: "'OH my GOD, they KILLED.....Kenny.'" Stan: "YOU BASS.........turds..." Kyle: "Nah, that sucked; how 'bout this: 'FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS, KENNY...' No, wait. Stan, you start with that line."
Stan: "Okay. 'FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS, KENNY...KENNY JUST GOT KILLED AGAIN!!" Kyle: "THOSE NAZI WHORES!!"
[Stan and Kyle look at each other]
Stan: "How 'bout this. 'FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, KENNY'S BEEN SNUFFED'" Kyle: "Uh...'THOSE NAZI WHORES!!'"
[Stan and Kyle look at each other again]
Stan: "I like your line, but I need to say something cool." Kyle [thinking]: "Hmm, let's see. How 'bout 'KENNY'S JUST DIED!'" Stan: "Or how 'bout...no, I got it. Here we go. Ready?" Kyle: "Ready dude..."
Stan: "HOLY F*CK!! KENNY'S A STIFF!!" Kyle: "THOSE NAZI WHORES!!"
[Stan and Kyle look at each other again]
Stan: "Yeah, too contrived. Let's keep it simple. Ready?" Kyle: "Yup."
STAN: "Aw, F*CK!! KENNY'S DEAD!" KYLE: "Aw, F*CK!!"
[Stan and Kyle look at each other again]
Stan: "We'll see how it does." Kyle: "It lacks something." Stan: "Chin up!"
[Kyle looks to the sky] [brief shot of Pip approaching Mr. Garrison]
Pip: "Chin up!"
[*commercial break*]
[Cartman is walking along a trail in the woods, and up comes Kenny to meet him]
Cartman: "Just keep quiet, gezz. The perpetrator may still be nearby." Kenny: "******?" Cartman: "Or maybe it was a gang of wild O-tay's." Kenny: "** * * ** ******?" Cartman: "No, not that guy." Kenny: "** * **** * *** *???" Cartman: "Some things, Kenneh, are worth the risk. Now ssshhh!!...."
[the two boys creep into some woods off the trail]
Kenny: "** ** ***! **** ****** ***** ********!" Cartman: "THOSE BASTARDS!"
[back with Stan and Kyle]
Stan: "Dude, is somebody mocking us?" Kyle: "Sounded like Kenny and FAT ass to me. Yeah, like, I'm sure they found a dead figure skater. Sheesh." Stan: "We'll show them, ready?" Kyle: "Go for it dude..."
Stan: "OH MY GOD, THEY JUST KILLED CARTMAN'S SLUT MOM!!" Kyle: "PRAISE GOD!! 'TIS A GLORIOUS DAY INDEED!!"
[Stan and Kyle laugh, and then they wait for a response]
Kyle: "I guess we showed them." Stan: "Hmm? Nah. It's not like Cartman to let us get the last jab. Maybe they found a real, live, dead figure skater." Kyle: "But what the hell was Cartman talking about? The most beautiful thing he has ever seen?" Stan: "Maybe she was loaded, y'know, had a wallet full of hundred- dollar bills." Kyle: "And a backpack full of Fatty Cakes?" Stan: "Or a box of Lucky Tarts?" Kyle: "And a six-pack of Whazz?" Stan: "And maybe some Juicy Pops? And Slicky Bars?" Kyle: "Or a whole box of Sugar Tots? Lucious Lites?" Stan: "And some Chemo-Poofs..." Kyle: "And a pack of Blast-Off.... And maybe even a whole bag of Creamy Chunks!" Stan: "Whatever dude, we'd better get there before it's all gone."
[the two boys run along to find Cartman]
Cartman [to Kenny]: "Look here, Kenneh! A severed head!" Kenny [scared]: "***!!!!"
[Cartman picks up the severed head]
Cartman: "And to think this face was once known by millions of her admirers across the globe." Kenny: "*** ** *** *** **** *** * ****?" Cartman: "How the hell should I know? Maybe she had cancer and went bald from that. Oh, my, the poor woman. May her soul rest in peace... HAY! JUST WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!"
[Cartman leans over to inspect the yet unseen headless corpse]
Cartman: "This is SICK, Kenneh. And I mean SICK." Kenny: "**** * * **** ** * * * * * ***** ** ******* ** * ***** ****. *** *** ** ****** *** * *****." Cartman: "What are you Kenny, a doctor? And if that's her Sigmund Clown...what's this here I'm now holding in my hand?"
[Cartman holds up a bloody piece of something]
Kenny: "**!!!!" Cartman: "Yeah, you're not so smart after all, are ya Kenneh. This could her Sigmund Clown too. And let's see he-yuh... Kidneys? No, there's only one of those. That's a Creamy Chunk..."
[cartman is sorting through the items on the ground, and when he stands back up he is drenched in red and holding what appear to be two strips of bacon]
Cartman: "Which is bigger, Kenny, the transverse colon or a Sigmund Clown?" Kenny: "** *****." Cartman: "It depends on what." Kenny: "***** * * ***** **** ***** ** ***** **** ***** * ***. ***, *** * **** ****** ** * *, ** ***** *** ***." Cartman: "Metabolism? What's that?" Kenny: "** **** *** **** **** ***** **. ***** *** * ***." Cartman: "Well, I guess figure skaters are athletes. But she ain't a figure skater no moe." Kenny: "*** ***." Cartman: "DAMMIT, I meant she hasn't been a figure skater for a long TAM!!. The first tam I saw her she worked in Disneyland, and then she screwed some mice and got really FAT." Kenny: "*** * ****." Cartman: "Oh. Gee, how sweet. I wonder where the little tyke was..."
[cartman bends over again to inspect the ground]
Kenny [aghast]: "***!!!!"
[Stan and Kyle finally arrive]
Stan: "Oh my God, they killed Nancy Kerrigan!" Kyle: "You bastards!"
Cartman [holding something up]: "Hey, gezz, look at this thing..." Stan: "What IS it?" Cartman: "Hell if I know." Kyle: "Cartman, what are you looking for? And why did you saw off her head?" Cartman: "I didn't saw the bitch's head off, it was off when I got he-yuh." Kenny: "***." Stan: "And why is she still wearing her ice skates? Or are we supposed to believe those were here too?" Cartman: "C'mon seriously, gezz. This mess was here when I found it." Kyle [angry]: "And just when did you find this mess, huh Cartman?" Cartman: "I was here yestoday." Stan: "Doing what?" Cartman: "Eating, of course." Stan: "Cartman, you are a MURDERING bastard." Kyle: "You'll get the chair for this, you fat dumbass." Cartman: "The state of Colorado doesn't use electric chairs, you clueless Jew." Stan: "It will after it hauls your fat, guilty ass out of court." Kyle: "Yeah, we'll build an electric chair just for you. A great big one." Stan: "It'll be huge." Kyle: "Monstrous." Stan: "Like your..." Kyle: "........ass."
Cartman: "Mehh, what a pretty ess she has."
[the other three boys exchange glances]
Stan: "WHAT!?!?" Cartman: "I feel so good just looking at all of this... Sweeeet!" Stan: "Cartman, you are seriously ILL." Cartman: "Not really, gezz, look at that ess. In this gloomy, gloomy world of ours, what is so wrong about finding comfort and joy in looking at an ess?" Kyle: "Hey DUMB ass, the wrongness is the fact that you're covered with her blood and pulling out her internal organs and having them for snacks. It's one thing to look at a girl's ass. But once you saw off her HEAD and start eating her internal organs....well, you cross a line at some point." Kenny: "*** * ** **** ****." Stan: "But even if she was already dead, it's still seriously demented, and EVIL. Cartman, YOU are a BASTARD."
Kyle: "Well...."
Stan: "Well what? Cartman IS a bastard, right?" Kyle: "Yes but he was a bastard before she was dead. And anyways, if she was already dead when Eric got here today..." Cartman: "Yestoday." Kyle: "...or whenever, then who's really being hurt by the fact that Cartman is... Cartman? Cartman what the HELL are you doing now!?"
[shot of where Cartman was standing, but we don't see Cartman]
Cartman: "This is Heaven, gezz! You should get some!"
Stan: "No WAY dude. You are going beyond evil, Cartman. Fat-ass."
Kyle: "Cartman, if you're going to f*ck a corpse, you are NOT, and I repeat, NOT, supposed to f*ck her throat. That is just plain wrong."
Cartman: "Get serious, gezz."
Stan: "But if her head was already OFF when Cartman got here..." Kyle: "Well...okay, but I better not find out later that Cartman sawed off her head!" Cartman [unseen]: "No way, Kye. I would never detatch the head of a dead figure skater. Nu-uh. Not me." Stan: "I guess we have to take his word for it. At least until the TRIAL. I can't wait to see YOUR FAT ASS..."
[Stan and Kyle suddenly look horrified; Stan Vomits]
Cartman: "DAMMIT! YOU PUKED ALL OVER MAH CANDAH!"
Kyle [in shock]: "Kenny what in God's name are you DOING?"
[picture of Kenny with a bleeding severed head held in front of him]
Stan: "Well, I guess...I suppose what Kenny is doing with that severed head is...cool. Well maybe not COOL, but it's not really much different than what Cartman is doing." Kyle: "I dunno, dude. Cartman is using a headless corpse. But all Kenny has is...a head. That seems pretty f**ked up to me." Kenny: "** * ** ** **** **." Kyle: "We know the head was already OFF, Kenny. My point is that all you've got is a head."
[pan to Kenny; Kenny lets the head drop to the ground with a thud, into an ever-growing pool of blood]
Stan: "Gee, I guess there is a line dividing right and wrong after all." Kenny: "**** * ** *** ** *** *** *****? ** ** *** ** *?" Kyle: "I dunno, dude. That's over my head." Stan: "No, wait. Kenny makes a good point. If a headless corpse were to be severed yet again at the waist, and THEN f*cked from the top..."
Cartman [stands up, covered in blood]: "GAD DAMMAT!!" Stan: "What?" Cartman: "HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO ENJOY THIS WITH ALL OF YOUR YAKKING!??" Stan: "Sorry, dude..." Cartman [piously]: "The NEXT time I come across a treasure such as this, I do not think I shall be inviting any of you two gezz along..." Kyle: "Aw, come on, Cartman. We didn't mean anything. Seriously!" Cartman [sadly]: "No, no. It is clear to me that you gezz are a couple of closed-minded jackesses. I should have taken that into account before inviting you along on my little advenchoe." Kenny: "** ****?" Cartman: "No, Kenny, you're cool. Hey...gimme the head."
[Kenny kicks the severed head into Cartman's hands, just as Kyle would kick Ike]
Cartman: "Hmm... I wonder what's inside...." Stan [outraged]: "Her BRAIN, dumbass. Even a retard like you should know that much about human anatomy."
[everybody is staring at Stan now]
Cartman: "Ah HAH! SO, Stan, you've done this sort of thing befoe? And you opened up the person's head to see what was inside? That's SICK, Stan. SICK." Stan: "Uhh..... Isn't it common knowledge that a person's brain is inside....a person's head?"
Cartman: "SAVE your lame-ass excuses for the sentencing phase... of your TRALL!!"
Stan: "I'M not going to be put on trial." Cartman: "Then shut the hell up while I find a good rock for breaking open this bitch's skull."
Kyle: "Speaking of rocks, what's the deal with Mr. Garrison?"
Cartman [holding a rock]: "I myself think the guy is haahh..".
[Cartman bashes open Nancy's head with a stone; out falls a brain, blood splatters over all the boys]
Cartman: "...on drugs."
[*commercial break*]
Kyle: "Behold, the human brain, in all of it's..." Stan: "No, Kyle, it's not very glorious." Kyle: "Indeed not. It looks like a wad of Ju-Ju Gums." Stan: "And this blood tastes like Power Punch. What gives?" Cartman: "They don't make gray Ju-Ju Gums. Hey...lookie here!" Stan: "Enough, Cartman!" Cartman: "No, seriously gezz, there's something seriously wrong with this skull." Kyle [rolling his eyes]: "Like what."
[Stan bends over and picks up Nancy's brain]
Stan: "Cartman's right. This isn't a real brain. It's too big." Cartman: "And this bogus skull is made entirely of Fruity Wax."
[Cartman licks his finger to determine the flavor]
Cartman: "Banana. That's banana. But it has another flavo too..."
Kyle: "Yeah, dumbass, it's called BONE. You're being a CANNIBAL Cartman! You're also destroying evidence, which is a crime no matter how much you want to rationalize this horrible, horrible..."
Cartman: "Gezz, Is it a really crime to kill a person who is made entirely of Ju-Ju Gums...and Juicy Pops, and Fruity Wax?"
Kyle [angred, holding something up]: "Then what the hell is THIS, smart ass? Does this look like any kind of candy to you?" Stan: "Cartman's eaten a LOT of candy, dude...."
Cartman: "They could be anything, Kye. It could be from a cow. Hey look, I found another Pasty Cake!"
Stan: "Then how did it get here? Where is the rest of the cow?" Cartman: "How the hell would I know, Kye? I didn't kill any cows today. Did you, eh Kye?" Kyle [perplexed]: "......NO!" Cartman: "Sure about that, Kye? Didn't kill any mammals of any species lately?" Kyle: "Hey, DUMB ass, you're the one covered in blood, not me. If officer Barbrady shows up..."
[officer Barbrady shows up]
Barbrady: "All right now, what's going on?"
[all four boys look horrified]
Barbrady: "Hmm, what do we have here, Eric?"
[Barbrady picks something up and tastes it]
Barbrady: "Choco-Stix? Where in the HELL did you boys find Choco-Stix? I absoultely love Choco-Stix. Why I used to have them every morning for breakfast back on the farm."
[Barbrady eats the whole thing]
Barbrady: "Yummy stuff! Got any more?"
Kyle: "Dude, I think you just ate a turd."
[Barbrady looks unusually confused for a moment]
Barbrady: "I'll be moving along now, nothing to see..."
[Barbrady quickly moves away, and we hear him vomitting off- screen]
Stan: "I never heard of Choco-Stix. What are Choco-Stix?" Cartman: "They don't exist."
Cartman: "That geh...just ate...a turd."
Kyle: "So doesn't that mean this is a real body then? The real Nancy Kerrigan?" Stan: "No, the turd could have come from a cow." Kyle: "Is that so?" Stan: "Is there any other candy here, Cartman, or should we go back and try to revive Mr. Garrison?"
[the blood-drenched Cartman is looking around]
Cartman: "That might be a Weezy Pop." Kyle: "What, this?"
[Kyle holds something up]
Kyle: "I dunno what a Weezy Pop is. Some kind of sea-food candy? Coz this thing looks like it belongs in an aquarium." Cartman: "It's one of those new age candies, with all natural ingredients, for faggots like you and Pip. They're made by the Pakistanis, and they totally suck Pakistani ass." Kyle: "Bleh!!"
[Kyle drops the thing he was holding]
Cartman: "No, this oparation is complete. Nothing left he-o. Ah, but what a beautiful sight it was. And in many ways, it remains so." Kyle: "You mind if I take these ice skates home?"
[angry stare from Cartman]
Kyle: "I.... For hockey. I need new skates for hockey." Cartman: "You don't play hockey, KYE." Kyle: "I just started the other day..." Stan: "In the middle of summer?"
[everybody laughs at Kyle]
Cartman: "Kye, you are one sick Jew."
*THe EnD*