All right, here's my very first SP script! Be gentle... I know it probably sucks, but I just had to get this out off my system. A writer writes, you know. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------
A Celebrity Visits--Again A Script By Jeremy B
<theme song> <scene: the 3rd Grade Classroom>
Wendy: So, Stan, what did you get for question #3?
Stan: BLAAARRRFFFF!!
Wendy: Ewwww!! Are you going to do that for every question?
Stan: RAAAAALLFFFFFFF!! Pretty much.
Cartman: Don't mind Stan, he doesn't know how to handle chicks.
Wendy: CHICKS?!
Cartman: Now go get me some pie, woman!
<Wendy roshambos Cartman. Cartman drops on his side.>
Cartman: Ay! That's not s'posed to happen!
<Enter Mr. Garrisson>
Mr. Garisson: Now children, the government of Colorado requires me to announce that a pedophile has enetered the area.
Kyle: What's a pedophile?
Kenny: Mrrfmrphmmmphmmrmph (It's what Cartman's gonna be when he grows up.)
Cartman: Ay!
Mr. Hat: A pedophile is a person who likes to do the Willy-Nilly with young children.
Mr. Garrison: Pedophiles are sick individuals who can't tell the difference between reality and fantasy. They're not sane like Mr. Hat here. Right, Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat: Right as rain, Mr. Garrisson!
Mr. Garrisson: Now, let's introduce our guest-speaker for today. Mr. Noskcaj?
<A man enters. It is obviously Michael Jackson. He is wearing Groucho Glasses in a lame attempt to disguise his identity>
Michael Jackson: Hi, boys <grudgingly> and girls.
All: Hi, Mr Noskcaj!
Michael: I need four of you kids to help me do some charity work. Mr Garrison has already agreed to let you go for the day. I'll take you, you, you, and you.
<Guess which four kids he chose. Go ahead, guess>
Michael: Now we'll all head over to my mansion, and do our... work.
Stan: Sweet! He's loaded!
Kyle: Yeah! And no more school today!
Wendy: Excuse me, Mr. Noskcaj, but why didn't you pick any girls for your charity work? I'd be glad to help out!
Michael: Uhh... we'd better go. <hustles Our Boys out of the room. Wendy is annoyed>
<change-of-scene guitar riff>
<establishing shot: a mansion and amusement park. Sign says "Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch--Colorado Branch>
<Michael Jackson is giving the boys a tour of the mansion. They enter the living room. All the furniture in the room is vaguely phallic, except for the bits that are blatantly phallic. There are photographs on the wall. The kids are eyeing them. Here's one with Macauley Culkin, here's one with Hanson, over there's one with Emmanuel Lewis (TV's Webster).>
Cartman: Sweeeeeet... hey, he even knows Gary Coleman...
Kyle: You sure get to hang out with a lot of famous people. Most of 'em suck, but they're famous.
Kenny: Mmmmphmmmphhphhfhhmmm (I bet he's doin' a bit of sucking himself)
Stan: Sick, dude!
Michael: I haven't had a lot of people here lately. I've been kind of lonely. Hey, let's say hello to Bubbles!
<They walk over to a small loveseat, where a chimpanzee is sitting. He looks really nervous.>
Michael: Would you like to meet my new friends, Bubbles?
<The chimp runs away, screaming and covering his ass>
Michael: He's so silly. Now wait here while I put on my... uh... charity work clothes. Make yourselves at home, boys!
<He leaves the boys alone. They put on the TV. The news is on>
Anchor: And so, it appears that we've located the "alleged" <he makes quotes with his fingers> pedophilethat's hiding in South Park. Joining us now with a live report are Rastafarian Siamese twins with Touret's.
<Exterior of Neverland Ranch>
Rasta #1: 'Ere we are at de 'ome of de pedophile, mon. F**K F**K F**K. <continues to cuss while Rasta #2 is talking.>
Rasta #2: Now, we can't tell you de neme of de suspect, mon. <they are strolling in front of the sign we saw earlier, which has Michael Jackson's name prominently displayed on it>. All dat we can tell you is dat de pedophile is DIE DIE DIE F**KER!!! a ver' ver' famous singer who used to tour wit' 'is five broders, den got a lot of plastic surgery, and realeased an album called "Bad". It is believed 'e isrecruitin' third graders at de local school.
Cartman: Man, this is boring. <changes channel>
<Now "Jesus and Pals" is on>
Jesus: So remember, my children, that if you see this man <picture of Michael Jackson is shown> you should run away screaming. Remember, he might be wearing a clever disguise. Like a pair of Groucho glasses, for example.
Stan: I think I saw this one. <changes channel>
<"Terrence and Philip" is showing>
Terrrence: Hey, Philip, I just picked up two tickets to the annual Skunk Cabbage Festival!
Philip: Ah! I was aboot to pick them up myself! I love eating Skunk Cabbage with my Kraft Dinner.
Terrence: And I love doing this! <farts>
Both: Ahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Stan: <shocked expression> Oh, my god, I think Mr. Noskcaj is actually the famous pop star Michael Jackson, the dangerous pestophile!
Kyle: Dude, we'd better find our way out of here!
Kenny: Mmmphmmphmmmphmmph (I knew it. He likes to touch young hoohoodillies).
Kyle: Now, let's see, the game room is on the third floor... the mananjerary is
on the second....
Cartman: Sweeeeeeet... I want two scoops of Chunky Monkey, two of Super Fudge Ripple...
Kyle: You idiot, I'm not talking about Ben & Jerry's! I'm talking about the big
room with all the animals in it! Do have a brain in your head? Do you? Stupid, fat, bloated...
Stan: Calm down, Kyle...
Kyle: No! He's a big fat ass, and his mom's a f**king she-male!
Cartman: Ay! Shut up! <beginning to break down> It's <sob> not her fault. She didn't <sniff> get to choose who she was.... <begins to bawl openly>
Stan: This place is starting to get to us, dudes. We'd better get out of here.
<Scene: The mayor's office. The Marshes, Broslovskis, McCormicks, and Cartman's Mom/Dad are here, along with Mr. Garrisson, Chef, and Jesus.>
Chef: Now, Mr. Mayor, the kids have been gone a long time. We think Michael Jackson might have gotten them.
<Barbrady, Mephesto, and Kevin enter>
Barbrady: We found this at the scene. <holds up sparkly glove>. We think it might belong to an androgynous pop star, possibly Elton John or k. d. lang.
Mayor: Actually, I think that belong to Michael Jackson.
Barbrady: Don't be a silly. What would Michael Jackson want with four small boys?
<They all look at him like he's an idiot. Which he is, of course.>
Mephesto: We have performed genetic tests on the glove, and it does indeed belong to the King of Pop.
Garrisson: Well, where could we possibly find Michael Jackson?
<exterior shot of Tom's Rhinoplasty>
Chef: Dammit, they already did that joke! Who the hell is writin' this thing?
Snow: Don't look at me...
<Jesus's eyes suddenly light up with heavenly brilliance. The Hallelujah Chorus
plays in the background>
Jesus: You will find the Evil One in the big Mansion on the top of Mount Colon.
Do not worry, the boys will be safe. I have sent one of my angels to protect them.
Chef: Wow! Was that what a flash of Divine brilliance looks like?
Jesus: What? No, I just watch a lot of Entertainment Tonight.
Chef: So how do you do the thing with your eyes?
Jesus: You like that? It's just a little thing I do.
<Scene: Ground floor of the mansion: The boys are in front of a door that's been quadruple-locked and triple-barred>
Cartman: Man this bites. How the hell do we get out?
Stan: <praying> Trey... Matt... if you're out there, please answer me.
Matt: Stan?
Stan: Trey?
<A very messy room. Matt is lying there, obviously stoned. Queen's "Bicycle" is playing in the background>
Matt: No, it's Matt.
Stan: Aw, I can never tell you two apart. Can you get us out of here?
Matt: Wow. You're talking to me. That usually doesn't happen 'til the sixth hit.
Cartman: GODDAMMITT, just get us outta here!
Matt: Hey, sorry man, I'm not writing this one. I let this fourth-year English major from Brooklyn College write this one, ok? Now leave me alone, or I'll never finish counting all the little holes in my speakers.
<knock on the door>
Trey: Open up, dude, it's Trey!
Matt: Trey's not here, man.
<back at the mansion>
Cartman: Weak... this guy's rippin' off Cheech an' Chong.
Kenny: Mrrphmmmpphmrrrmphhmmmphrph (Yeah, what a f**king lame-o)
Stan: Now who'll save us?
<someone begins breaking down the door>
Kyle: Now what?
<The door breaks down. It's Big Gay Al!>
Al: Hi, kids! It's really super to see you!
All: Hi, Big Gay Al!
Al: I'm here to show that not all homosexual men are evil pedophiles!
Stan: Whatever, just get us out of here.
Kyle: How did you know we were in here, anyway?
Al: Oh, I had a spy on the inside.
<Bubbles appears. He winks at them>
<Scene: Michael Jackson's living room>
Michael: Oh my, where have the kids gone? Now I have no one to molest!
<Music: OOGA OOGA OOGA CHAKA OOGA OOGA OOGA CHAKA! The Dancing Baby appears>
Michael: Never mind.
<Scene: at the foot of Mount Colon>
<Everyone is here to greet the kids, with two exceptions>
Cartman's mom/dad: Oh, Eric, I'm so glad you all are safe!
Mephesto: And you say you saw a monkey up there?
Kenny: Mmmphmmph (That's right.)
Mephesto: Then I have reason to believe you may have been infected with Ebola. Sorry about this.
<He shoots Kenny>
Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle: YOU BASTARDS!!!
<Scene: the woods. Michael is chasing the dancing baby>
Michael: Almost got him...
<He is suddenly shot, and falls dead. Jimbo and Ned emerge from the bushes>
Jimbo: Well, Ned, looks like that Dancing Baby lure sure worked like a charm and... HOLY CRAP!
Ned: mmwrrrrzzzzTHAT AIN'T NO ANTELOPEzzzzzz
Jimbo: Ah, we'll just glue some antlers on 'im. Noone'll ever know the difference.
<closing theme> -------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------
Well, what did y'all think? <ducks all flames and rotten vegetables>
Jeremy B
"Unlike most of you, I am not a nut."- Homer Simpson