Kenny Strikes It Rich. By Mike Jakeman. Copyright � 1998 Mike Jakeman
All the characters and locations are copyrighted to the producers of South Park. This piece is written using those characters with respect to their copyright owners. This piece was not written for profit or sale to anyone other than those who hold the rights to purchase such works. This piece is copyrighted to Mike Jakeman in text and content only.
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....the last ball is 48, I've got that too! I've won the jackpot! MOM! MOM!
KENNY'S MOM What now?
KENNY I've got all five numbers! I've won $150 million!
KENNY'S MOM You've what?
KENNY Look I've got all the numbers!
KENNY'S MOM You have as well! We've won the jackpot!
KENNY Quick, write down the number!
[Cut to Bus Stop the next morning]
KENNY Guys, guys!
STAN What?
KENNY You know those lottery tickets that I bought yesterday?
KYLE Yeah.
KENNY I got all the numbers! So I won the jackpot!
STAN I don't believe you!
[Just then a van stops next to the Bus Stop and two reporters jump out]
REPORTER #1 Are you Kenny McCormick?
KENNY Yeah.
REPORTER #1 This is it, this is the guy whose family won the Powerball lottery.
[The two reporters get out their cameras, take some pictures and drive off at maniac speed]
KENNY Told you, Stan!
CARTMAN Yes! I'm rich! I'm rich! I love you Kenny!
KENNY What?
CARTMAN Well I gave you those 10 cents so I get some of the jackpot!
KENNY It was a fake!
CARTMAN So?
KENNY If it means such a lot, here's 10 cents!
[Cartman looks disgusted and hurls the 10 cents away, it hits the oncoming school bus and one of the windows smashes]
STAN That'll get the fat bitch going!
MRS CRABTREE What did you say?
STAN I said 'Kenny's dead rich!'
MRS CRABTREE Oh. Well keep the noise down!
[Cut to scene in the reporters car]
REPORTER #1 So, d'yer know which mart the family bought the ticket from yet?
REPORTER #2 I've made a few calls and their local seems to be the best shot.
REPORTER #1 And where's that then?
REPORTER #2 About 1/2 mile away.
REPORTER #1 Let's go then.
[Cut to scene where Kenny comes home from school.]
[Kenny walks in the door and the living room is taken up with hordes of solid gold furniture.]
KENNY'S MOM Oh darling, don't you just think this is wonderful? We've never been able to afford anything like this before and oh, it's so beautiful.
[Mrs McCormick runs her fingers over a solid gold elephant statue]
KENNY Are you sure all this gold stuff is necessary?
KENNY'S MOM But we've got the money!
KENNY I know but if you keep spending it like this then we'll run out in a couple of weeks!
KENNY'S MOM Nonsense! We won $150 million!
KENNY I guess so.
[Cut to scene in Kenny's local mart]
REPORTER #1 Hello, we're from the South Park Gazette, and we're running a story on the McCormick family and their jackpot win on the Powerball lottery and we believe they may have purchased their winning ticket from this very Quicky Mart!
SHOP OWNER Yes I believe the little kid, Kenny I think his name is, he came in and bought two!
REPORTER #2 We would like to take some photos of you in your store to go with our story. Would that be- THE KID BOUGHT THE TICKETS?
SHOP OWNER Oh yes, definitely I remember it as if it was yesterday! Actually I'm not surprised, it was yesterday!
REPORTER #1 (to Reporter #2) I think we'd better go and find this kid, this could be our big break!
REPORTER #2 Where was he when we took those photos?
REPORTER #1 Next to the Bus Stop waiting for the School Bus.
REPORTER #2 Let's get down that school!
[Cut to scene in the classroom where Mr Garrison is teaching the kids to recite the value of Pi]
MR GARRISON Three, point, one, fou-
[The two reporters burst into the room like gangsters waving their notepads]
REPORTER #2 (pointing to Kenny how is looking very innocent) Look, there he is!
[Kenny looks startled]
REPORTER #1 Kenny McCormick?
KENNY Yes?
REPORTER #2 Is it true that you illegally bought your family's winning Powerball lottery tickets from Jonny's Quicky Mart yesterday?
KENNY No. Cartman did!
REPORTER #1 Who?
KENNY Cartman, over there!
CARTMAN (looks scared) Stop talking out of your ass Kenny!
KENNY It's true! I was going to but I didn't have enough money so Cartman gave me enough, so I bought them but with Cartman's money!
REPORTER #1 How much money did you borrow Kenny?
KENNY 10 cents.
MR GARRISON I don't think that means you bought them with Cartman's money Kenny!
REPORTER #2 Kenny, we'd like to run a story on you for our piece on you winning the Powerball lottery.
KENNY Cool.
REPORTER #1 You understand for legal reasons we have to confirm that it was you that bought the winning tickets. So just say into this recorder 'I bought the winning tickets'.
KENNY I bought the winning tickets.
REPORTER #2 Hey baby! We have our scoop! We conned that dumb-ass kid into confessing to buying the tickets!
KENNY Hey!
REPORTER #1 Promotion here I come!
[The two reporters dance around the classroom and eventually leave]
[Cut to scene in the Reporter's office]
REPORTER #1 So all we have to do is hand the article and the tape to the boss and we have automatic promotion!
REPORTER #2 Get it out then!
REPORTER #1 Get what out?
REPORTER #2 The tape recorder!
[Reporter #1 pats his jacket pocket]
REPORTER #1 Oh no.
[The four kids walk out of school. Kenny is seen ripping the tape apart]
KYLE It sure was lucky that that Reporter dropped the tape recorder out of his pocket eh Kenny!
STAN Kenny?
[Kenny is seen buried under a massive mound of ripped black cassette tape.]
------------------------------------------------------------------------ Well that's it! Comments, queries, criticisms, compliments etc welcome
I promise the next one will be better!
"Hey Mr Hat, what's it like not having an ass?" Cartman from Cheesy Poofs Kart
Mike Jakeman mike(at)jakeman(dot)demon(dot)co(dot)(uk)