A Day at Home By the one and only davester (who, in real life, was David Short... until they killed me) [email]
NOTE: This one does not have the four scamps we know and love (And don't you say anything, Kenny, you pervert!) interacting. It details their daily lives, so they don't even meet in this one (except at the very end...) I've been playing around with this idea for quite a while, so here goes...
Also, I wrote this in Microsoft Word, so there may be a few errors where it converted my ...'s to a single character and my straight quotes to 'curly quotes.' I tried to weed those out as best as I could. NOW on with the 'fic!
---------- Cartman's House ---------- (Cartman is seated in his standard spot on the couch, watching the ol' tube) TV Announcer: And now, for today's weather- Cartman: Boooring! Ay Mah! Mrs. Cartman: Coming, Eric Dear... (Cartman waits a split second) Cartman: Ay MAH! Mrs. Cartman: Coming, honey. (another split second) Cartman: AY MA!!!!! Mrs. Cartman: (slightly annoyed): Just a second, sweety pie. Cartman: Now Goddammit!!!! Mrs. Cartman: (almost pissed): I'm Coming, Eric! Cartman: Maaaaaaaaaah!!! Mrs. Cartman: WHAT?!?!?! Cartman (in that really annoying 'sweet' voice): I can't reach the remote control. Could you get it for me? (The remote control is sitting right next to Cartman). Mrs. Cartman: Here you go, dear. (She gives the remote to our fat fiend... eh friend) Cartman: Thank you, Mom. (He changes the channel once, and drops the remote. Mrs. Cartman leaves). Cartman: Ay! Mah! (Mrs. C re-enters the room) Mrs. C: What?! Cartman: I don't like this channel. Gimme the remote again!
---------- Kyle's House ---------- Kyle: Mom, I'm bored. Mrs. Brofslofski: So go play with one of your friends... how about the fat boy? Kyle: I don't wanna right now (thinking: maybe because he SUCKS!!). Mrs. B: How about if you play with your little brother? Ike: Him no kicka the baby... Kyle: I guess I don't have to go to another house. I'll play with Ike. C'mon Ike! Ike: Ohh ohh! Hima kick da bebee. Kyle: C'mon Ike. I know you like playing 'Kick the Baby.' Ike: Cookie Monster!
---------- Stan's House ---------- Mrs. Marsh: Stan, are you just gonna sit here all day? Stan: Quiet, Mom! Terrance and Phillip are on. Mrs. M.: Well, maybe you should watch something that expands your mind. Stan: Mom, all of them shows suck ass! Mrs. M: Language! You should say 'all of *those* shows suck ass.' Stan: Whatever. Mrs. M: Well that does it. Your apathetic atitude has altered your afternoon. I'm gonna force you to watch PBS. Stan: Goddammit. Mrs. M: And your sister... (Yelling up the stairs) Hey Shelly! SHELLY! Shelly: WHAT the f[bleep]ck do you want?! Mrs. M: Come down here! You and Stan are going to watch quality TV programming. Shelly: Dammit! Your ass is mowed grass, Stan you dumbass!
---------- Kenny's House ---------- Mrs. McCormick: Dammit! That is the last f[bleep]ing time you screw up on a job interview you low life slug! Get outta my house! Mr. McCormick: But *I* own the house. Mrs. McCormick: No you don't!! Your f[bleep]ing brother is f[bleep]ing Letting us f[bleep]ing live here! Mr. M: So? Mrs. M: Unless you get a job in 24 hours, I am leaving for good, you f[bleep]ing piece of worthless sh[bleep]t! Kenny: He he he! Kenny's Brother: Haw haw haw! Mr. M: Shut up, you trolls! Worthless kids only eat food. (Mrs. M hits Mr. M. really hard, and he falls down the steps) Mr. McC: Ow! Goddammit! Ow! (He hits a board that's sticking up from the stairs) Son of a b*tch! Mrs. M: Don't you *ever* do that again! Kenny: He he hee. Kenny's Brother: Yeah.
---------- Cartman's House ---------- (Cartman has inhaled about 10 boxes of Cheezy Poofs). Cartman: Yeah. Ugggg. M-must consume... more. (Reaches into... the box) Cartman: Mmmm. Cheezy Goodness invading mah every pore... Kitty: Meow! Cartman (very slowly): Ugg... no Kitty... bad Kitty...
---------- Stan's House ---------- Shelly: More education programming!!! This is all your fault, squirt!! Prepare to die (Shes raises her fist)! Stan: Dude, you know Mom! She's always like this! (Shelly proceeds to hit Stan as he runs away) Stan: Goddammit! I'm trying to watch Masterpiece Theatre!!! Shelly: Well, I don't wanna watch Blarney or TeleFlubbies!! Stan: So take a nap or something, you fat-assed b*tch! Shelly: Yeah. Maybe I'll do that. Stan (under his breath): Geez, what a she- b*tch! Shelly: You are so fu[bleep]ing dead now!!!
---------- Kyle's House ---------- Kyle: Now C'mon, Ike. Let's go outside. Ike: Him boom boom shabang! Kyle: Hey Ike. Wanna play Kick the Baby? Ike: No. Kyle: Ready Ike? Kick the baby. Ike: Don't kick the baby. Kyle: Kick the baby!! (Kyle kicks Ike into a rosebush. Ike starts screaming and bleeding all over) Ike: Ouuch I gotta blood!! Kyle: sh[bleep]t! Mrs. Brofslofski: What is it? Kyle: I kinda... accidentally... kicked Ike into that rosebush..on accident. Mrs. B: What what what?! You know Ike is allergic to roses! We have to get him to the hospital! Kyle: C'mon, Mom. He'll be fine. (Shot of Ike, with an 'x' for one eye, covered in hives) Kyle: See? Mrs. B: Gerald! Gerlad! Get the car ready! Ike's been kicked into a Rosebush. Mr. B: Really?
---------- Mr. Garrison's Room ---------- Mr. Garrison: Books are a good thing to read, they can yell you, for example, how you pass a lie detector test. (Shot of empty desks) Mr. Garrison: Hey, where the hell is everybody? Mr. Twig: I think it's Saturday, dumbass.
(Commercial)
---------- Cartman's House ---------- (Same scene. Our fatass sitting in front of a TV). Announcer: See how worn this old house can be? You too can- Cartman: *Yawn...* Announcer: -ith new Mircale House Paint 2000! It also works on hair! Cartman: (reaches for a Cheezy Poof) Uggg. Golden square of goodness too far away. (He keeps reaching and falls over) Cartman: Arrgggg. Mooooooooooooommmm. Mrs. Cartman: Get it yourself, dear! (Kitty enters the room) Kitty: Meow (approaches the Cheezy Poofs box). Cartman: No Kitty! Those are mine! Stay Away!!! Ay! Kitty: Hiss! (Slashes Cartman). Cartman: Ow! Goddamit! If I had the strength in me, I'd RIP OF Your f[bleep]ing nuts!!! Kitty: Hissss!
---------- Kenny's House ---------- Kenny (muffled): Mom, we're bored. Mrs. McCormick: Well, why don't you and your brother go and play with the wood shavings in the back yard? Kenny's Brother: We did that yesterday. Mrs. McC: They why don't you go find something to do in town? Kenny: Like go to the stripper bar? Mrs. McC: No, how about the book store? Kenny's Brother: Aw, last time I went there, they guy threw me out when I ripped pages out of the books. How the hell else are you supposed to get toilet paper? Kenny: Well, we could go find some food in the trash cans... Mrs. McC: There ya go, you could have a treasure hunt. Kenny: How f*cking lame.
---------- Kyle's Dad's Car ---------- Mr. Brofslofski: So now, *what* happened? Kyle: I told you. Ike and I were playing, and I accidentally kicked him into the rosebush. (Car screeches to a halt) Mr. B: You what?! Mrs. B: Gerald, just keep driving. My little bubble isn't too good. (And speaking of bubbles, that's what Ike looks like. He's swelled to about Cartman's size). Ike: Now no feel good, mamma. Kyle: Why do I have to come? The doctor will just give him shots or something. Mrs. B: When Ike comes to, I want you to apologize to him. You shouldn't be kicking him into rosebushes. It's very bad! Ike: No feel gooood. Kyle: Why can't I do that now? Mrs. B: Because he's delerious right now. Look at him! (Ike is looking at his bloated hands as he waves them in the air.) Ike: Ugga chugga moo. Kyle: Aww, he's always like that! Aren't you, Ike? Mrs. B: I don't care! You have to apologize because that's what good people do! Kyle: Well I'm not a good person! Ike: Himma eeee-vile!
---------- Stan's House ---------- Shelly: You little runt! Stan: Aaaaah! Shelly: I don't wanna watch Whale Week! Stan: You're not! You're too busy trying to kick my ass! Shelly: So?! Stan: You won't see 'Blue's Mysteries' if you're trying to kill me. Shelly: So?! Stan: Well! (Mrs. Marsh walks in) Mrs. Marsh: Well, how's the education progarmming going? Shelly & Stan: Uh, fine (slowly make their way bach to the couch). Mrs. Marsh: That's great (she leaves. When she's gone, Shelly glares at Stan and decks him, making him fly across the room. He hits a picture and it falls to the floor). Stan: Oww! You stupid b*tch!
---------- The streets of South Park ---------- Kenny's brother: Fine. What're we gonna do? Kenny: Mmmmf mfmffm mfmfmf mfff! Kenny's Brother: Uh-huh. Kenny: Mm mf mfmffm mfm mfff m f fmmfmf mfff! Kenny's Brother: Uh-huh. Kenny: Mmmfff. Kenny's Brother: Uh-huh. Kenny: Mfff Mmmmm mfff! Kenny's Brother: Sounds cool!
---------- Cartman's House ---------- (Cartman is still keeled over on the couch. Kitty is eating his Cheezy Poofs.) Cartman: Damn, I must have the Poofs! Knock it off kitty, or I'm gonna kick your furry ass! (He makes a very halfhearthed effort to grab the box. Kitty hisses and knocks Cartman off, then grows about five feet tall. Cartman falls off the couch) Cartman: Goddammit! Kitty: (Roars like a lion) (Kitty jumps up and smashes thru the roof).
(Commercial)
---------- Hospital ---------- Doctor: I've given little Ike some shots, he'll be coming out soon. By the way, Why is his head cut in half? Is he some sort of freak? Mrs. B: What? Doctor: Nevermind, here's the little rugrat. Ike: Isiz goodaznu. Mrs. B: Apologize, Kyle. Kyle: Ike, I'm sorry for kicking you in the rosebushes. Ike: Cookie moster! Kyle: There! Can we go home now? (Outside of the window, the giant Kitty (Now thirty feet tall) is doing the standard smash-the-building destruction bit). Kitty: ROOOOOOOOOOARRRR! Ike: Holly sh[bleep]t! Kyle: Whoa dude!
---------- Stan's House ---------- Mrs. Marsh: Which one of you broke this picture? (Shelly points to Stan. Stan points to Shelly) Mrs. Marsh: Well, if that's what happened, I'll just send Stan on a few errands. That'll keep you two apart. (Mrs. Marsh gives Stan a grocery list) Stan: Aww, man! Mrs. Marsh: Now bring back all the change you get. (Stan leaves the house) Stan: Goddammit! Why does she make me do it when Shelly's more Capable of doing this. (Kitty roars in the background) Stan: Dude, what the f[bleep]ck was that?!
---------- Cartman's House ---------- Cartman: Sooo close. Yet so far. Uggg. I wonder what happened to Kitty. (Cartman reaches for the remote, manages to hit the button, and drops it). News Announcer: -izing downtown South Park. Now, with the report, we Have a blind, deaf and dumb person. Tommy? Tommy: (stares blankly) News Announcer: Tommy? (pauses) Oh, yeah. He can't hear, see or � Cartman: BOOOOORING! (Changes channel and throws the remote out of reach) TV Announcer: And next, it's 'Woodstock - The Movie,' featuring a 'hippy good time'! Cartman: noo! For the love of God no!!!
(AUTHOR'S NOTE): Don't you love seeing Cartman suffer?
---------- Downtown South Park ---------- Kenny: C'mon! (Kitty appears over the horizon): ROOOOAR! Kenny: Holy sh*t! Kenny's Brother: Ohh god! I'm going home! Kenny: What's the matter you f*cking chicken! He can't hurt you! (Kitty's shadow descends upon Kenny and ominous my plays)
---------- Mephesto's lab ---------- Mephesto: We must destroy that giant cat that is hell-bent on Destroying South Park. I have this new laser weapon. With It, I can lock on to any heat signature in the world and destroy It. Watch! (pushes a button).
---------- South Park Streets ---------- (The laster beam closes in on... Kenny. A few seconds before it hits him, he sees it) Kenny: Oh no! (The laser bolt hit him, vaporizing him on the spot. In a freak coincidence, Stan is on the other side of the street, just exiting the grocery store and Kyle's car is driving by...) Stan: Oh my god! They killed Kenny! Kyle: You bastards!!!
---------- Mephesto's Lab ---------- Mephesto: Oops, Guess I should have double-checked the numbers. (Checks a manual) Yeah. 10001 for giant mutant cats and 10000 for an immortal, perverted children).
(Commercial)
---------- Bus stop ---------- (our three scamps are standing there. Kitty is wreacking havoc in the background) Stan: Dude, what did you do last weekend? Kyle: We had to go to the hospital. I kicked Ike into a rosebush. Cartman: And I had to see 'Woodstock - The Movie.' It was hideous! All of those f[bleep]ing hippies!! Kyle: What about you? Stan: Well, Shelly tried to kick my ass becase my mom made us watch 'educational' programming... Cartman: And now everybody's trying to blow up my phat cat!!! Stan: Dude, people said 'phat' like two years ago! Kyle: Yeah dude, what kinda weird dude would say old stuff, dude?! (Kitty closes in on Cartman) Cartman: No kitty! That's a bad kitty! (And suddenly, Kitty shrinks to normal size) Kyle: You know, I've learned something today. Cartman: What's that? Kyle: I've learned, well, that weekends suck ass. Stan: Yeah. Cartman: Except we don't have to see Mr. Garrison. That's the only good part. Kyle & Stan: Yeah. Cartman: But M*A*S*H isn't on. (Blank stare from his friends) Cartman: Awww. Screw you guys. I'm goin' home.
(The End, my friend)