"South Park: Stop the Violence, Part IV" by Xebot, 6/28/99 [email]
THE "FINAL SOLUTION" TO THE "CARTMAN PROBLEM"
[RECAP: THE CIA HAS TAKEN-OVER SOUTH PARK, AND PLACED CARTMAN IN CHARGE.]
[SCENE: CARTMAN IS STANDING AT THE PODIUM OF THE TOWN HALL SPEAKING TO THE RESIDENTS.]
[HE IS BACKED BY A "HUGE" PICTURE OF HIMSELF. HE IS FLANKED BY TWO CIA-GOONS AND ONE G. GORDON LIDDY.]
[CARTMAN NO LONGER HAS HIS CHARLIE CHAN MUSTACHE, AND IS NOT WEARING HIS HAT. HE IS DRESSED LIKE, AND HIS DARK HAIR IS COMBED LIKE, MAO TSE-TUNG.]
CARTMAN: [CHINESE ACCENT] Hear me, my loyal pleasants! I have SRRRREEEEEEEEETTT news for you: the revo-rution is com-prete!
[NO RESPONSE FROM CROWD. CARTMAN LOOKS AROUND, PUZZLED. HE DROPS THE ACCENT.]
Changes in society are due chiefly to the development of the internal contradictions in society, that is, the contradiction between the productive forces and the relations of production!
[THIS TIME THE CROWD LOOKS PUZZLED. CARTMAN SPEAKS LOUDER AND FASTER, CROSSING HIS EYES.]
The ruthless economic exploitation and political oppression of the peasants by the landlord class FORCED THEM INTO NUMEROUS UPRISINGS AGAINST ITS RULE!!!!!!!
[CARTMAN LOOKS FOR APPLAUSE. MEMBERS OF THE CROWD START SAYING "HUH?". CARTMAN IS ANGRY.]
LIDDY: [TAKES THE MICROPHONE FROM CARTMAN.] What our esteemed leader, Chairman Dung Chop-Stix, is trying to say is that South Park has been rescued from the violent oppression of a liberal Federal Govenment! You are now an INDEPENDANT province of Langley, Virginia!
[LIDDY LOOKS FOR APPLAUSE. THE CIA-GOONS TRY TO MOTION THE CROWD TO APPLAUD. THE CROWD IS SILENT.]
[TO GOON #1] F**k-it, bring in the tanks.
[TANKS CRASH-IN FROM THE SIDES AND BACK, FORMING A SEMI-CIRCLE BEHIND THE STAGE.]
[KENNY RUSHES TOWARDS A TANK, CARRYING THE AMERICAN FLAG. THE TANK HEADS TOWARDS HIM.]
KENNY: [PLEADING] WOO KUFROO WAHOOOOO!
[THE TANK STOPS JUST IN FRONT OF KENNY. A SOLDIER STICKS HIS HEAD OUT OF THE TURRENT, AND IT'S A RED-CHINESE VERSION OF KENNY.]
CHINESE KENNY: [HAPPY] WOO KUFROO WAHOOOOO!
CARTMAN: [REGAINING THE MIC FROM LIDDY. CARTMAN SIGNALS, AND A TANK FIRES A WARNING SHOT ABOVE THE CROWD.] You WILL respect my HEAVY MET-TAH!!! And just to make SURE you get my message of total domination, I've hired the "King-of-All-Media" as my new Minister of the Arts, Vanilla Ice!
[VANILLA ICE EMERGES FROM STAGE RIGHT.]
VANILLA ICE: [RAPPING TO MUSIC STOLEN FROM QUEEN.] Eric, Eric, Cartman!
[CUT TO STAN, KYLE, AND KENNY IN THE AUDIENCE.]
STAN: What's a Vanilla Ice?
KYLE: He used to be one of the Spice Girls -- the one that Mick Jagger got pregnant.
[CUT TO THE STAGE.]
VANILLA ICE: ... and I'd like to introduce my son, Mick Ice. He'll be rapping his new hit single, "Start my lips!"
[CUT TO STAN, KYLE, AND KENNY IN THE AUDIENCE.]
STAN: Cartman's REALLY flipped this time!
KYLE: Do you think it's time to tell him who his mother really is?
KENNY: Mresssssss, ummph eeerrrf!!!!!! [KENNY CLOSES HIS HOOD.]
KYLE: Geez, Kenny, OK, we won't tell him!
KENNY: [OPENS HIS HOOD AGAIN.] Aaaaaaaaaaaaah...
STAN: We've got to find a way to topple Cartman.
KYLE: That's one helluva straight-line, dude, but this is SERIOUS. How can we topple a dictator who's being pooped-up by the CIA?
STAN: Why don't we ask my uncle, Jimbo? He was in Vietnam, and the Vietnamese kicked BOTH America's AND the CIA's ass at the same time! We'll just ask him how the Vietnamese won the war.
KYLE: Good idea, Stan! Uh ... it's not my place to say this, but how come that second tank only fired a warning shot?
[STAN AND KYLE LOOK AT KENNY.]
KENNY: [MAKES THE "ITALIAN LOVE-TOY" GESTURE (ie, "FIST UP YO ...")]
[SCENE: STAN, KYLE, KENNY, JIMBO, AND NED ARE TALKING IN THE WOODS. ALL OF THE TREES HAVE PICTURES OF "CHAIRMAN DUNG CHOP-STIX" (CARTMAN). A VERY FAT RABBIT WABBLES BY.]
NED: Lookzzz like itzz heading right towardzz uz!
JIMBO: Hold it, Ned! We don't want to be arrested for shooting a likeness of his supreme holiness! And watch what you say. Even the rabbits have ears.
STAN: Uncle Jimbo?
JIMBO: Yes? Oh! Wait a minute! I think I see an albino hedgehog! Oh, SH*T! It looks just like Vanilla Ice!
STAN: Uncle Jimbo, we want to know how America and the CIA lost the war in Vietnam.
JIMBO: This isn't a loyalty test, is it? You can't be too sure these days, [SPEAKING INTO THE RABBIT'S EAR] under the WONDERFUL leadership of our BELOVED leader who taught us the evils of our ways, and to only shoot skinny things because SKINNY people are assholes!
KYLE: C'mon, Jimbo, how did the Vietnamese win the war?
JIMBO: OH! Well that's a different question ... just as long as we're not talking about America losing. The zipper-heads won by giving the CIA a juicier target. No CIA, no war.
STAN: How did they do that, Jimbo?
JIMBO: They convinced the Chinese to let Richard Nixon visit. After that, the CIA had "Dick" on the brain.
KYLE: [TO STAN] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
KENNY: Myyyysnm!
STAN: Hey, dude, that's even better!
[SCENE: THE TOWN HALL. CARTMAN IS GIVING ANOTHER ... ANOTHER ... ANOTHER ... SPEECH. HE IS FLANKED BY CIA GOONS AND G. GORDON LIDDY.]
[THE TANKS STILL FORM A HALF CIRCLE BEHIND THE STAGE.]
CARTMAN: ... the enemy will not perish of himself. Neither the Feminist reactionaries nor the aggressive forces of U.S. imperialism will destroy the utopia that we have established in "New Cartland" ...
[A NEW CIA GOON RUNS ONSTAGE, AND HANDS LIDDY A DOCUMENT.]
LIDDY: [AFTER READING THE DOCUMENT, GRABS THE MIC FROM CARTMAN.]
CARTMAN: HEY, YOU !#*(#(*$!!! GIVE THAT BACK!
LIDDY: [TO THE CROWD] You people are on your own! [TO TANKS] OK, boys, back 'em up, we're heading out! Hey, Jose?
[FIFTY CUBANS IN UNISON]: Si?
LIDDY: Follow the tanks, and closely! You never know when some mother-f**king Kenney will cancel our air-cover!
[SCENE: THE NEXT DAY. THE BOYS ARE RIDING IN THE BACK OF THE SCHOOL BUS.]
CARTMAN: [CRYING] I could-a been a champ, Stan, if only you'd-a believed in me! I could-a-been another Don King ...
STAN: Take it easy, Cartman. At least your hat still fits.
CARTMAN: But ... how did this happen? What was that note that they handed to G. Reich-Marshal Liddy?
KYLE: Who knows? [LOOKS AT STAN, KNOWINGLY.]
MRS. CRABTREE: [SHOUTING BACK AT THE BOYS FROM THE FRONT OF THE BUS.] Would you kids be quiet! Some right-wing talk-show host says that Clinton's gonna lift the trade-ban on Cuba!
THE END.