Mrs Berkley. By Mike Jakeman. Copyright � 1998 Mike Jakeman
All the characters and locations are copyrighted to the producers of South Park. This piece is written using those characters with respect to their copyright owners. This piece was not written for profit or sale to anyone other than those who hold the rights to purchase such works. This piece is copyrighted to Mike Jakeman in text and content only.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~##~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Cut to scene in Stan's bedroom, the three boys are sitting on the bed]
KYLE We can't just do nothing, Cartman! Just cause you're a big fat-ass that can't be bothered to do anything! Kenny was killed back there!
CARTMAN Ay! Don't you call me a fat-ass you stupid little Jewish kid! Kenny dies all the time anyway!
STAN Will both of you shut up! This isn't doing anyone any good. We've got to tell someone.
KYLE Well you can't tell Cartman's mom as she'd go all sooky and say 'ooh that's nice dear...'
CARTMAN Don't talk about my mom like that! At least my mom doesn't have big red hair that people think is giant, mouldy, cheesy poof!
KYLE Well at least my mom isn't my father!
CARTMAN Ay! I don't have to listen to this! Screw you guys, I'm going home!
STAN Nice work Kyle. Now there are only two of us to think of what to do. Not that Cartman made a lot of difference.
KYLE We need to tell someone who we can trust and who could tell us what to do.
STAN Or sing us a song about it?
KYLE Definitely sing us a song about it!
[Next day at the Bus Stop]
CARTMAN Look. I didn't see why I had to stick around while you said stuff about my mom.
KYLE Well I didn't matter anyway now that we've decided what to do.
CARTMAN Oh. Well that's sweet then. I hope that the last we here about it. 'Cos if you go telling everyone we'll have Mr Garrison back before you know it.
STAN Actually we're telling Chef.
CARTMAN You sound as gay as your dog.
STAN Mrs Berkley killed Kenny and nearly had us committing ourselves to the devil. What's she going to do next? Make you president?
CARTMAN Sweet.
KYLE You being President isn't sweet, it's horrible!
[Bus pulls up]
STAN I wonder what the fat bitch is going to go on about today.
MRS CRABTREE What did you say?
STAN I said 'I wonder what it's like lying in a ditch?'
MRS CRABTREE Oh. Well, prickly I would have thought. Now sit down and shut up!
CARTMAN Yes Ma'am!
[Cut to scene in the classroom]
MRS BERKLEY Anyway, following on from yesterday- What do you want Kyle?
KYLE Please can I go to the bathroom?
MRS BERKLEY Yes, but be quick!
[In the bathroom]
PIP Oh hello Kyle. I must say this is strange!
KYLE I know, you really ought to get that personality sorted, after you've found one of course.
PIP No! Look at the water fountain!
KYLE What about it?
PIP Can't you tell?
KYLE Tell what?
PIP The fountain is draining counter-clockwise!
KYLE (fast losing interest) So?
PIP That's impossible in the Northern hemisphere!
KYLE Oh really. How interesting.
PIP That teacher's really super, isn't she?
KYLE Mrs Berkley?
PIP Yes.
KYLE She's awful! After she enjoyed dissecting those frogs and then she tried all that Satan stuff yesterday? You still like her?
PIP What Satan stuff?
KYLE You don't remember?
PIP No.
KYLE That's weird!
PIP Kyle?
KYLE Yeah?
PIP Will you cover for me?
KYLE Why?
PIP You know these bathrooms are joined on to the classroom?
KYLE Yeah.
PIP And this strange teacher's around doing things which we - well most of the class - can't remember happening?
KYLE Yeah.
PIP I have an idea. I've got to check another fountain in the other toilets down the corridor. Will you make up a story to explain why I'm not taking my seat in the classroom?
KYLE Okay.
[Kyle walks back out of the bathroom to talk to Mrs Berkley. Pip creeps out of the door, walks across the classroom and sneaks away]
MRS BERKLEY He's what?
KYLE It must be a thing going around. We had one a couple of months ago.
MRS BERKLEY Explosive diarrhoea?
[Kyle nods his head]
Okay, very well.
[Minutes later Kyle sees Pip at the door]
MRS BERKLEY What now Kyle?
KYLE I've got to say I found your lesson on dissection very interesting!
[Pip skirts around the classroom and walks back to his seat from the bathroom entrance]
MRS BERKLEY Better now Pip?
PIP Yes ma'am.
MRS BERKLEY Right now hopefully we can start today's lesson! Following on from dissecting our frogs, and naming the organs, today we are going to dissect pig hearts. I want you children, to do just as we did last time, write heading and method in your books and then come to the front to collect your heart. Okay?
[Kyle sees Pip go up to collect his heart and quickly follows him to the front of the classroom]
KYLE So did you find out what you wanted to?
PIP Yes, I did.
KYLE And?
PIP It appears that none of the other fountains in the school are affected, so the cause is something in this room!
KYLE I get the feeling you've got this sussed already.
PIP (smiling) We'll see.
[Pip is handed his heart]
PIP Mrs Berkley? Could you give my heart a quick run under the tap?
MRS BERKLEY (looks suspicious) Okay...
[Pip looks in the sink and sure enough the water drains counter- clockwise.
PIP Thanks.
KYLE And?
PIP I'm quite certain it drained the wrong way again.
KYLE What do we do now?
PIP I dunno but this woman's evil!
[Switch to Stan and Wendy]
STAN Are you alright Wendy?
WENDY (bit spaced out) Yeah. I think so. Ugh, this was inside a pig.
STAN Yeah. Weird. Do you reckon someone could end up doing this to us?
[Wendy is silent]
Wendy?
(Next scene is what Wendy sees).
[The heart starts to gently vibrate before it starts to shake violently from side to side and then it begins to pump, spraying blood everywhere.]
WENDY Aaaaggghhh!
[Wendy runs out of the room in floods of tears. Stan runs after her and just has time to look back at Mrs Berkley who's eyes flash serpentine.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, that's Part 2, I still haven't decided what's going to happen at the end yet, but there's still a lot to happen.. I hope I haven't bored you!
"Hey Mr Hat, what's it like not having an ass?" Cartman from Cheesy Poofs Kart
Mike Jakeman ICQ #17759351 mike(at)jakeman(dot)demon(dot)co(dot)(uk)