Angle on MECHA-DICAPRIO, destroying the town in the same way that Mecha-Streisand did. He's more destructive, breathing fire or something like that. After a bit of rampaging, he stops.
MECHA-DICAPRIO: My fans! To me!
Back on the kids and Keepers. The zombified fans stop holding them down, and stumble toward MECHA-DICAPRIO. STAN glimpses WENDY in the crowds, and runs toward her. SIDNEY POITIER grabs him.
STAN: Let go of me! I have to save her!
POITIER: Nothing you do can help her now, we were all too late.
MALTIN: We can only save her and all the others now by defeating him.
STAN: You don't understand!
SMITH: We have to wait, and strike when he's at his most vulnerable. No harm will come to her yet.
Angle on MECHA-DICAPRIO, his fans milling around his feet. The diamond he wears around his neck glows red.
Angle down on the fans. Suddenly, they all begin to grow pale and insubstantial. MECHA-DICAPRIO roars in triumph. Angle on WENDY, a blank smile on her face, as she fades into nothing. Draw back to show all of them as the same thing happens to them.
Angle on STAN.
STAN: WENDY!!
KYLE: You said no harm would come to them, you lying bastard! I thought you were cool!
SMITH: I didn't lie. DiCaprio has control of her, but she can still be freed. He grows more powerful with every fan he consumes, we have to strike now.
POITIER: He's vulnerable, he's taken so many fans and he needs to rest! Go!
MALTIN: Go!
SMITH: Go!
They all turn into the strange monsters and attack MECHA-DICAPRIO, A huge battle ensues, tearing up what's left of South Park. Angle on the kids. CARTMAN enters.
CARTMAN: What the hell is going on!?
He peers off into the center of town, where MECHA-DICAPRIO is fighting the Keepers of Pantheus.
CARTMAN: Oh look, it's DiCrappio. And his loyal fans looking on.
KYLE: Cartman, you stupid fat-ass moron, the fate of the universe is resting in the balance.
CARTMAN: Sure, you guys, whatever. I'll handle this.
CARTMAN walks up to MECHA-DICAPRIO.
CARTMAN: Hey, that diamond is pretty cool.
MECHA-DICAPRIO: Thank you. It means a lot to hear an opinion from a fan such as yourself.
CARTMAN: Can I have it?
MECHA-DICAPRIO: No! Go away, I'm really busy!
MEGA-POITIER smashes into his back, breathing fire.
CARTMAN: Come on... Oh, I know. I'll ro-cham-bieu you for it.
MECHA-DICAPRIO: Surely.
MECHA-DICAPRIO cocks one steel foot back and kicks CARTMAN in the balls. Crunching noises. CARTMAN goes flying through the air, screaming.
CARTMAN: Screw you, hippie!
CARTMAN lands next to the kids again.
CARTMAN: Hey, that's not how you ro-cham-bieu! (yells to MECHA-DICAPRIO) How about a rematch?
KENNY: (Cartman, you stupid shit. You practically have a smoking crater where your balls used to be!)
CARTMAN: He cheated!
STAN: What's with you, Cartman? The world depends on who wins, and you stand here only worrying about his diamond.
CARTMAN: I'm also worrying about my balls.
Angle on the fight. MECHA-DICAPRIO is easily beating the Keepers. One by one, he sends them sailing into the air and out of the fight. When it's over, he stomps off. Angle on the kids; ROBERT SMITH comes up to them.
SMITH: He's too powerful for us. There is one other who might be able to help.
STAN: Who, Robert Smith?
SMITH: Long ago, there were seven Keepers of Pantheus. They were the ones to combine their efforts and split the Diamond into two parts. Six of them have now been defeated in battles with those who wish to usurp the power of the Diamond. But one remains, the oldest of them all. He has had many names, and many identities. He taught us (indicates the other Keepers, standing by him) all we know.
KYLE: Who?
SMITH: His name in Anasalzi was Than Koarthu. Phone this number, say that Xin-Thar has risen again.
SMITH takes a piece of paper from his wallet and hands it to STAN, who goes over to a pay phone and dials.
STAN: Hello, who is this?
The screen divides in half, revealing ADAM SANDLER on the other end.
SANDLER: I'm Adam Sandler.
STAN: Really?
SANDLER: Yep.
STAN turns away from the phone.
STAN: Hey you guys, it's Adam Sandler.
CARTMAN: Kickass!
KYLE: This day is getting cooler by the minute!
STAN goes back to the phone.
STAN: Adam Sandler! Xin-Thar has risen again!
SANDLER: Dammit. This always happens when I'm on tour, doesn't it.
STAN: It's an emergency, Adam Sandler.
SANDLER: Where are you?
STAN: South Park.
SANDLER: Where's that?
STAN: Little half-assed white-bread podunk Colorado mountain town. You can't miss it. Just look for the destruction and smog. Plus there's Cartman, you can probably see him from ten miles away.
CARTMAN (O.S.): Shut up!
SANDLER: I'll be right there.
KYLE: (O.S.) Hey, let me talk to him.
STAN: Hold on for a second.
KYLE takes the phone.
KYLE: Hey, I loved the Chanukah Song... it helped me when I was feeling depressed last Christmas.
SANDLER: Yeah. There's a weird thing about that song.
KYLE: What?
SANDLER: I didn't write it. A little weird creature dictated it to me the first night of Chanukah.
KYLE: What'd he look like?
SANDLER: Actually, he really looked like a talking piece of crap.
KYLE: Christmas crap?
SANDLER: That's it.
KYLE: Mr. Hankey!
SANDLER: Who?
KYLE: Never mind, just get here soon!
He hangs up.
STAN: Well, what should we do now?
SMITH: He needs to hide and gather strength. He'll need to find a secluded area.
Shot of a pink door; the building it is part of cannot be seen. MECHA-DICAPRIO's huge fist knocks on it, leaving huge dents. The door slowly opens, revealing everyone's favourite stereotype, BIG GAY AL.
AL: Mr. Dicaprio! I'm your biggest fan! It's so super to see you!
MECHA-DICAPRIO: Thank you. Could I come in for a while?
AL: Oh, I've dreamed so long about this moment and now it has arrived! Come in, come in.
MECHA-DICAPRIO tears the side of the Big Gay Pet Sanctuary open and stomps in. Inside, he kicks AL into the wall. Angle on AL.
AL: Hey, that's gay bashing!
MECHA-DICAPRIO: Damn straight.
AL: No I'm not!
MECHA-DICAPRIO: Get the hell out of here and take your stupid gay animals with you!
AL dashes out in a panic, followed by swarms of big gay animals. They run off.
Shot of the town square again, with the kids and Keepers of Pantheus there. AL and his big gay animals come up to them.
STAN: Oh hi, Big Gay Al. Haven't seen you for a while.
AL: Hi Stanley, how are you?
STAN: Oh, I'm fine. How about you?
AL: I've been outcast from my own big gay pet sanctuary... thanks for asking!
CARTMAN: Get your stupid gay ass out of here!
AL: Eric, that's hurtful.
STAN: Cartman, what did he ever do to you?
CARTMAN: He pissed me off.
STAN: Fair enough.
AL: Where are my big gay animals and I going to go?
STAN: They can stay at my house.
AL: That's super! Thanks a million, little buddy.
AL and his big gay animals walk off.
KYLE: Won't your mom have a fit?
STAN: No, DiCrappio already stole her soul.
KYLE: Oh.
ADAM SANDLER walks in.
MALTIN: We tried, Adam Sandler, but he was too strong for us.
SANDLER: Someone like Leonardo DiCaprio can never be defeated alone. You are too inexperienced to win out over the power of Pantheus, twisted by his evil mind.
POITIER: He's gone off to find a place to gather his strength. We should strike while he sleeps.
STAN: He went to Big Gay Al's Big Gay Pet Sanctuary.
KYLE: Yeah, he evicted Al.
SANDLER: Then the time to strike is now. Follow me.
CHEF enters.
CHEF: This could be goodbye to South Park. You need all the help you can get, I'm coming too.
JIMBO and NED enter.
JIMBO: Dammit, this'll be a tough hunt. You'll need guns.
He produces all sorts of guns from his trench coat and hands them out. CHEF gets a huge double-barreled shotgun.
CHEF: You'll pay, woman thief.
NED takes a rocket launcher off from his back.
NED: Come get some...
IKE enters.
IKE: Fo schplit no boolim.
IKE pulls a Super Soaker from his pocket.
KYLE: Not you, Ike!
KYLE kicks IKE in the head, causing him to fly offscreen.
SANDLER: Are we ready?
KYLE: Ready as we'll ever be.
SANDLER: Then let's go. Today, the fate of the universe rests in the balance.
CARTMAN: God dammit, my gun's not big enough!
SMITH: No gun is big enough to do battle with Mecha-Dicaprio alone. Our only hope lies in teamwork.
CARTMAN: Don't give me any of that politically correct crap! I want a bigger gun!
STAN: Cartman, shut the hell up!
CARTMAN (muttering): Stupid hippies.
SANDLER: Stan, you're the only one to have ever visited the big gay pet sanctuary. Lead the way.
They all set out in the direction of the big gay pet sanctuary, STAN in the lead.
Shot of the outside of STAN's house. Cut to the inside, in front of the TV. BIG GAY AL is sitting on the couch, surrounded by big gay animals. A big gay dog whimpers.
AL: I know, it's not the same. (he sighs) There's no boat ride, no techno dance club, no salad bar... I'm not going to let that pushy bully kick me out of my home! Follow me, my big gay friends!
AL and his big gay animals run out, yelling war cries. STAN'S GRANDPA enters.
GRANDPA: Hmm, it smells like crap in here. (he sniffs the air) Gay crap.
Shot of the outside of the Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. The team of STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN, KENNY, MALTIN, POITIER, SMITH, SANDLER, CHEF, JIMBO, and NED is standing there, in battle line.
SANDLER (yells): Leonardo DiCaprio, come out and meet your judgement!
A roar. MECHA-DICAPRIO comes out of the sanctuary, breaking the roof in the process.
MECHA-DICAPRIO: You're too late! Nothing can stop me now! Hey, you want an autographed 8 by 10 glossy?
He produces one from out of thin air, hurling it towards KENNY like a ninja star. KENNY attempts to duck.
KENNY: (Oh no!)
The glossy swoops towards KENNY and chops his legs off. His upper body goes flying through the air.
Angle on a destroyed power pole, crackling with electricity. KENNY's upper body smashes into it, impaling him.
KENNY: (No, I'm OK.)
Angle on STAN.
STAN: Phew.
Angle back on KENNY. The electricity from the pole flows into him. He twitches feebly, then explodes in a shower of bubbly red froth.
Angle on everyone else.
STAN: Oh my god, he killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastard!
SANDLER: Chef! Now!
CHEF pulls a microphone from his pocket and begins to talk into it.
CHEF: Women, I know you can still hear me. You are giving him his power. Maybe I can sing you a little song, clarify the situation a bit.
He begins to sing.
CHEF: Look at him, DiCrappio, stupid pretty boy; his cock is short, his hair is long, he thinks that you're a toy. Unlike me, this half-a-man has never had a girl; he can never do it right, I'll treat you like a pearl. The prissy God-damned actor, babes, don't know what to do; if you will just come to me, I'll make sweet love to you.
MECHA-DICAPRIO screams in outrage. The diamond he still wears around his neck snaps into two pieces and falls to the ground; he collapses to the ground and women start to come out of his mouth and walk away. The last to appear is WENDY. She goes over to STAN.
WENDY: Sorry Stan, it'll never happen again.
STAN: I know.
They start to kiss. CARTMAN taps STAN on the shoulder.
CARTMAN: Um, I hate to ruin your fun, but he's still alive.
STAN: Mmmph?
KYLE: Look behind you!
STAN and WENDY stop kissing and turn around.
STAN: Holy crap!
MECHA-DICAPRIO is behind them, wearing the diamond again and looking really pissed off.
STAN: Adam Sandler! Watch out!
SANDLER jumps out of the way just in time to avoid being roasted by MECHA-DICAPRIO's flaming breath.
MECHA-DICAPRIO: Nice try. I shall never die!
CHEF: Well ain't you the poet, you stupid bastard.
JIMBO: Now!
JIMBO grabs his AK-47 from his shoulder holster and fires up into MECHA-DICAPRIO's eyes. NED pulls his rocket launcher out and starts shooting. MECHA-DICAPRIO is dazed by the explosions.
NED: Bite me.
SANDLER, POITIER, MALTIN and SMITH transform into their true forms. SANDLER looks like a big black dragon creature. They start to pummel MECHA-DICAPRIO mercilessly, laying waste to the Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. After about 30 seconds of frenzied fighting, ULTRA-SANDLER smashes MECHA-DICAPRIO in the head with his tail. The diamond falls off him, and rolls along the ground to CARTMAN.
CARTMAN: Hmm, what's this?
MECHA-DICAPRIO suddenly loses the will to fight and just stands there vacantly.
SANDLER: He's powerless! We have to deliver the final blow now!
A shadow falls over them all. Pan up, revealing it's SUPER-CARTMAN casting the shadow. He holds the diamond in his hand, and is slightly bigger than MECHA-DICAPRIO.
SUPER-CARTMAN: Hey pretty boy. Wanna ro-cham-bieu?
MECHA-DICAPRIO: Huh?
SUPER-CARTMAN kicks MECHA-DICAPRIO square in the nuts. With a sickening crunching sound, MECHA-DICAPRIO falls to the ground and becomes LEONARDO DICAPRIO again. SUPER-CARTMAN then becomes CARTMAN, and the Keepers of Pantheus also become human again. SANDLER strides over and takes the diamond from CARTMAN's hand.
CARTMAN: Hey, that's mine! Seriously! You butt licker!
SANDLER hands the diamond to KYLE.
SANDLER: Here you are, Kyle Broslovski. This time, hide it or dispose of it more carefully. We cannot always save the universe.
KYLE: I will, Adam Sandler. I will.
DICAPRIO lifts his head off the ground.
DICAPRIO (weakly): What will you do with me?
SMITH: We won't kill you, which is what you truly deserve. Your power is gone, and more importantly, you're scarred and ugly now. You will never again have any fans; for every second of your life from now on, you will regret your actions.
DICAPRIO sighs. Suddenly, BIG GAY AL and his big gay animals run in. AL is holding a huge knife.
AL: Face the wrath of my big gay hunting knife!
AL decapitates DICAPRIO in one stroke.
STAN: What'd you do that for?
SANDLER: Yeah, he was repentant you fool!
AL: I'm sorry, all of you. I had a lot of big gay aggression to work out.
SANDLER: Oh well. We must leave now. Kyle, remember well. You must keep the diamond safe always, never let it fall into the wrong hands.
KYLE: Don't worry.
Shot of PIP and BEBE, sitting at the back of the classroom as usual.
BEBE: I want a Triangle of Xin-Thar!
PIP: Yes, I'll pay fifty dollars for one!
Credits. Instead of the normal song, we hear ADAM SANDLER.
SANDLER: These kids are screwed up, maybe even more than me.
SANDLER sings 'Four Years Old' over the credits. When it's done, there's a blank screen with a caption.
Caption: This episode is dedicated to Kaya, Steve, Andrea, Justin, Cam, Jeff, and everyone else who read the script and encouraged me.
The caption fades out, to be replaced by a new one.
Caption: And Becca, who would kick DiCrappio's ass if only she could get past the entourage.
Fade to black.