"Nancy Kerrigan Found Dead in South Park paht 2" (also was "Ned's Wax Trannies")
{*this thing should not be read by anyone, not once, not a single time*}
[the boys are watching 'Terrance & Phillip' on Eric's big bad satellite dish from hell]
T: "So, Phillip, what have we learned today?" P: "Dead people don't faht?" T: "No, you silly tool!"
Cartman: [*laughs*]
P: "Hmm! Hiding a body is harder than we thought?" T: "Phillip you sassy little fiend! You're still reading last episode's script! Damn you Philip, damn your bony little ass!"
[the two comedy icons break into laughter]
T: "Now seriously Philip, what have we tried to teach today?" P: "Honor thy mother and thy father?" T: "That's more like it, Pee." P: "And, don't ever kill people." T: "A-men, Philip." P: "Don't steal anyone else's stuff." T: "PRAISE Jesus." P: "Don't eat candy." T: "Satan be GONE from my soul."
Cartman: "What the hell...?"
P: "Never, EVER lie, Terrance." T: "Not even once?" P: "Not a single time." T: "Praise HE who is Lord."
Stan: "What are we watching?" Cartman: "It's bull, absolute bull. The whole country's gone ta hell."
P: "And if your mother is a slut, Terrance..." T: "Yes, Phillip?" P: "She should be tied to a tree and burned!" T: "Praise God!"
Cartman: "What the hell happened to these gezz?" Kenny: "**** ****." Cartman: "Eh, god."
P: "And now, a prayer. Terrance, will you do the honors?" T: "Bless your little soul, Philip, why sure I would..."
Cartman: "Gad, I've seen this prayer befo. It's so gay." Stan: "So change the channel!"
[Cartman looks confused for a moment]
Cartman: "Oh."
[the channel is changed]
News 4 Announcer: "And now our top story. About a dozen bodies turned up today in a small forest just east of the little town of South Park. Sherrif's deputies have sealed off not only the forest, but the entire town and most of the woods nearby. We go live now to our Eye On South Park Cam, and News 4 correspondent Tonya Flemming. Tonya?"
Tonya: "Tragedy does not begin to explain what seems to have been happening in this little town over the past several hours. Police have located nearly a dozen bodies..."
News 4 Announcer: "Eh, Tonya?"
Tonya: "Yes?"
News 4 Announcer: "Body count's still below 12?"
Tonya: "Yes, it seems that...."
News 4 Announcer: "That sucks."
Cartman: "Hay!"
News 4 Announcer: "Tonya will return later in our broadcast once the National Guard gets their asses in gear. As for now, we must sadly report to you that South Park still stands. May God be with us all in these dark..."
[Cartman changes the channel]
Drugged-Out White Bitch #1: "Sweetie darling, sweetie, sweetie darling, momma's here..." Drugged-Out White Bitch #2: "The TROLL." Drugged-Out White Bitch #1: "Sweetie darling, sweetie, sweetie...." Drugged-Out White Bitch #2: "I need a fag sweetie..." Drugged-Out White Bitch #1: "Sweetie darling, sweetie, sweetie...."
Cartman: "GAD I hate those bitches!"
[Cartman changes the channel]
Dick Button: "And...well that was supposed to be a Triple Axel going into a Camel Clutch, but as you can see, once again she's down on the ice." Dan Dierdorff: "And what a beautiful sight it is. Oh ha ha ha heehh!" Dick Button: "Be that as it may, the judges won't be awarding any points for that. And now..." Dan Dierdorff: "Hey Dick! What the hell is a SOW COW?" Dick Button: "...Double AXEL, and...oh my goodness." Dan Dierdorff: "Down on the ice again! Ha, ha, hah, hoooh! I gotta admit Dick, this beats football! Hah hahhh!" Dick Button: "And, another Double AXEL, and...." Dan Dierdorff: "Come on baby, FALL! Fall for daddy! Heh, heee!" Dick Button: "And she......falls." Dan Dierdorff: "Right on her ash!" Dick Button: "No points for that. A disappointing performance overall to say the least." Dan Dierdorff: "Y'know what, I'm gonna get me a skatin' rink! This is great stuff!" Dick Button: "Indeed." Dan Dierdorff: "Normally you have to pay a hooker overtime just to SEE these kinds of costumes. Never saw a hooker fall on her ass like that girl! Hoh, ho, hoooo!"
Dick Button: "She's only 13 years old, Mr. Dierdorff." Mr. BOW: "But gee, Mr. Button, what's so bad about that? Just because Americans have antiquated hangups about teen-age virgins doesn't mean the rest of the world has to, right?" Dick Button: "Mr. Bow, do you really want the United States of America to be like the 'rest' of the world?" Mr. BOW: "I dunno. Don't you?" Dick Button [sad]: "You have no idea."
Dan Dierdorff [confounded]: "What the hell is your TRIP, dude!?" Dick Button: "What are you insinuating, you APE. Get out of this booth." Dan Dierdorff: "Hie-yoooh!"
Kyle: "Is this for real?" Stan: "WHO knows. TV sucks. Cartman shut it off." Cartman [sighs]: "Eh, very well."
[the TV is now off]
Cartman: "Back to the forest I guess. I think there's more!" Kenny: "*** ** * ****?" Cartman: "Well, I say we pay old Chef a visit. He's not very busy in the summer tam. C'mon gezz!"
[*happy music*] [Cartman and Kenny get off the sofa and head for the door]
Kyle: "Cartman, are you insane?" Stan: "Really. It took my mom all night to wash the blood out of our clothes. If she wasn't still speaking in tongues, I'd be making up a story right now about what we did yesterday." Kyle: "I haven't even gone home yet." Cartman: "So what ye gonna do, Kye, sit on my mom's couch all day? Hmm? That's pretty sick if ye think about it, ye..."
[Stan and Kyle look at each other, they hop off the sofa]
Stan: "Cartman, we are not going back into those woods." Kyle: "You think there's more? More of WHAT, Cartman?" Kenny: "* *** * **** ***." Cartman: "But I saw it first, Kenneh. That thing is mahn. MAHN!"
[evil stare from Cartman]
Cartman: "Of course, if anybody can get to it before I do, they can have it instead of....instead of me."
[Stan and Kyle look at each other]
Kyle [to Stan]: "It would be pretty cool to have a Nancy Kerrigan brain." Stan: "It would?" Kyle: "Maybe we could sell it." Stan: "Who the hell would buy that?" Cartman: "Why the hospito, of course." Kenny: "*** ** * **** ** * ***." Cartman: "That's sick, Kenneh."
[*commercial break*]
[Chef opens the door]
Chef [depressed]: "Hey kids." Cartman: "Eh, Chef, we lost something out in the woods yestoday, so could you..." Chef: "Sorry children, Chef's not going anywhere today. Chef had one bad ass nightmare from the backside o' hell last night." Stan: "You have nightmares?" Chef: "Oh, everyone has nightmares, Stan. Though...maybe not quite like those I been havin'."
[close-up of Chef, with little figure skaters dancing in his eyes]
Chef: "You see, chillun, there are some times when it's best for old Chef to stay away from folks for a while. Ole Chef's gotta chill sometimes. I'm afraid whatever it is you lost in those woods...."
[there is a delay, Chef stops talking]
Stan: "Chef?" Chef: "Did YOU say WOODS?" Cartman: "Yeah." Chef: "Meet me in the car kids." Cartman: "Hooray!"
[Chef closes the door, Kyle and Stan look at each other for a moment]
Kyle: "Could it be?" Stan: "No, not Chef." Cartman [happy]: "Who cares, gezz!" Kyle [angry]: "CARTman, this is serious dude." Stan: "Yeah, we all know there's something about Chef's past that he's been hiding." Cartman: "Heh. Get a clue, Stan. Seen all the babes Chef gets? I, for one, don't think he fits the profile of a serial killer. Besadds, if he is the perpetrato, he will be apprehended at the scene of the cram."
Kyle [confused]: "By whom? Some imaginary super-hero friend of yours? Or are you gonna take Chef down by yourself? That'd be a laugh." Cartman: "She is not imaginary. You are jealous." Stan: "Jealous of what?" Cartman: "Mah foxxy super-hero friend." Kyle: "Cartman this is no time for clowning around!" Stan: "What's her name, Cartman?" Cartman: "She goes bah many times, child." Kyle: "Yeah, and one of them is 'Mrs. Cartman.'" Cartman: "HAY! MY MAM IS NATT A SUPAH-HE-RAH!" Stan: "DUDE. Take a look in her closet lately?"
Cartman [aghast]: "You gezz were in mah mam's clazzit!? That's... that's sick! I'm gonna tell my mah...when we get back from the woods, and....YOU two...you two litto jackesses are gonna have hell...HELL TO PAHH!!."
[there is the sound of a car being started, followed by the sound of one speeding away; quick shot of Chef's car speeding down the road]
Stan: "Oh my god! It IS Chef!" Kyle: "That....that.....bastard." Cartman: "Hhhhhumm. Yup. Now all we need is a telephone. Back to mah house!"
[the boys are walking along the streeet and immediately run into Mr. Garrison]
Stan: "Mr. Garrison, we need to get to a phone and..." Mr. Garrison: "Not now, kids, I've had a terrible night." Kyle: "What, you too?" Mr. Garrison: "I can't even find Mr. Hat, but, strangely, I no longer care. I don't know what's come over me. I just feel... weird today. Whatever you got yourselves into...well...I dunno. Don't you kids have parents or something?" Stan: "They're all at work, and we need to get to a telephone." Mr. Garrison: "Well good luck." Cartman: "And then we need somebody to drive us back up into the woods." Mr. Garrison: "Sorry kids, but I just ain't into it.......hmm? Did you say...the WOODS?"
[the boys are in Mr. Garrison's car, on a mountain road]
Mr. Garrison: "It's just all a blank to me, fellas. Last thing I can remember is taking the class up to the woods on the school bus, but frankly I can't remember driving any one of you back home. I sure hope everyone's okay." Cartman: "Don't worry, Mr. Garrisshen." Mr. Garrison: "Easy for you to say. I got a reputation I'm trying to repair." Cartman: "You're just being used as a crude plot device to get us back up into the woods, without too much ado, all because this little town of ours he-o doesn't have a decent taxi service." Mr. Garrison: "What? Eric, are you sure you're okay? You weren't by any chance out in those woods all night, were you?" Cartman: "No."
[Cartman looks scared]
Cartman: "Uh-oh." Kyle: "Thanks alot, fat ass. How DID we get back home from the woods last night?" Stan: "Yeah! Explain that, Mr. 'I can write and direct my own episode." Cartman: "Sheriously gezz, not now..." Kenny: "*** * *** ***." Stan: "Kenny your dad doesn't have a CAR." Kenny: "**** * ** ****** *** *** **** ****, * ** **** ****." Kyle: "Yeah, right." Kenny: "*** *** ** * ****.: Kyle: "Huh." Kenny: "*** ** **** ** * *****, ** ***, ***** * ****." Stan: "Oh well I guess that makes sense." Kyle: "But then how did he get back home from the junkyard?" Kenny: "*** *** ***?" Stan: "Since when does your dad have enough cash lying around to do all of that?" Kenny: "** * *** *****..." Cartman: "Eh, before you two litto geniuses decide to press this point any furtho..." Kyle: "Look up ahead! We're here!" Cartman [looking up]: "Thank you, gadd."
[they are back in the woods, and we see the penis boulder from yesterday]
Mr. Garrison [horrified]: "Good LORD."
[the area of yesterday's field trip is littered with bloody things, and soaked in blood]
Mr. Garrison: "What on earth happened here? Are these...? Oh my GOD, children we've gotta get out of here, quick!" Kyle [stunned]: "Our whole class? Dead?" Stan [mad]: "Cartman, what the hell kind of story is this? The whole class is dead?" Cartman [thinking]: "Hmm, now what would Buffy the Vampio Slayo do at this point?" Kyle: "DUMB ass, she would have saved the class before they all got shredded into bits!" Cartman: "Hmm. Guess we'll have to edit this scene out then, hmm..." Stan: "No way Cartman." Cartman: "I knew I should have signed Mephisto to this deal..." Kyle: "Hey! I'm not getting paid to be here! What gives?" Cartman [to himself]: "Though, I really needed those special cameras. But then we never even got to that scene because of those cruddy sponsos..."
Mr. Garrison: "What are you kids talking about? We're standing in the middle of a....a horrible, bloody massacre, and you guys are playing film school. We've got a serious lunatic running around this town." Stan [to Mr. Garrison]: "So what should we do?" Mr. Garrison: "Run like hell, I guess. I dunno, got any better ideas?" Kyle [angry]: "Cartman?" Cartman: "Just wait a minute, gezz. She's almost he-o." Mr. Garrison: "Who is?" Cartman: "Mmmm.... You'll see."
*<SLAP>* [Stan slaps Cartman across the face]
Cartman: "Ahh!!" Stan [pissed]: "Tell us now, dammit!" Kyle: "Oh my god, I just KNOW it's gonna be his mom, dressed up in some kinky super-hero costume." Stan: "That would REALLY suck, Cartman." Mr. Garrison: "Why...I think that might be rather nice, kids."
[the kids are stunned by the remark]
Stan: "Aren't you gay?" Mr. Garrson: "Well, I was yesterday. Now I don't know what I am. All I know is I wanna see Eric's mom in latex." [smiles] Cartman: "And so do I....I mean, no...I mean.........HAY!!" Mr. Garrison: "Sorry Eric, but it's the truth." Kenny: "** *** ** ** ** ****!" Mr. Garrison [smiling]: "My thoughts exactly." [he laughs] Stan [outraged]: "Way to go, Cartman. Garrison's no longer gay, whole class is dead, Chef's a killer, and Mr. Hat is gone. Nice work, dumbass." Cartman: "Stan, ....take a pill." Mr. Garrison: "But then again, I *always* wanted to see Eric's mom in latex. So maybe I'm still... Well maybe nothing's changed." Stan: "Except Mr. Hat." Mr. Garrison: "Oh I only bring him to class to f*ck with your addled little minds." Stan: "Oh. Well what about all this carnage and...and blood?" Mr. Garrison [shrugs]: "Dead cows?"
Cartman: "Kick Ass! Let's move on! To hell with these dead cows! Hey, dead cow over there! And another one over there! We're surrounded by dead cows! Ahh! It's scary! We better run into the woods! Quick! Follow me!"
Mr. Garrison: "What's in the woods, Eric?" Kyle: "Oh, not much, just the grisly remains of Nancy Kerrigan." Mr. Garrison: "Cool! Lead the way Eric." [Eric leads the others away] Cartman: "Mr. Garrison kix assh."
[*commercial break*]
[Eric and Mr. Garrison are leading the kids down a trail in the forest]
Stan [loudly]: "Oh my GOD! They resurrected Nancy Kerrigan!" Kyle: "Those bastards!"
[Stan and Kyle bellow with laughter]
Mr. Garrison [to Cartman]: "What's up with THOSE two?" Cartman: "Looks to me like they are HAAH...."
[Stan and Kyle are still laughing]
Cartman: "...on DREGGS." Mr. Garrison: "You kids must do all kinds of wacky drugs." Cartman: "Not me!" Mr. Garrison: "No, I envy the four of you. If I started using again all I'd do is lose my job and have to go back to being a male prostitite and get AIDS and DIE. You kids have your whole lives ahead of you. You can jerk off all you want and not lose a damned thing. It's not fair really, but that's life I guess." Cartman: "Wouldn't bother me if my teacher used dreggs." Mr. Garrison: "I'll be sure to mention that at the next Town Hall meeting, Eric." Cartman: "Be my guest, Mr. Garrison."
Stan: "Oh my GOD! A dead COW!" Kyle: "Those bastards!"
[Stan and Kyle giggle away]
Cartman: "Really funny, gezz." Mr. Garrison: "Well, here we are, and... UGH. What a MESS."
[the four boys lunge for Nancy's brain, a brief skirmish ensues]
Mr. Garrison: "Whoever did this had to be a real psycho if you ask me." Mr. HAT: "It takes one to know one, Mr. Garrison." Mr. Garrison: "Well said, Mr. Hat."
[Mr. Garrison is holding a pistol, the boys are still fighting]
Kenny: "** * ***!!" Cartman: "Gimme that! Gimme that brain, KENNEH!" Kenny: "****!!!!"
[the fighting drags on]
Mr. HAT: "Isn't that sick, Mr. Garrison? Four boys fighting over a dead figure skater's brain." Mr. Garrison: "Why no, it's not all that sick Mr. Hat." Mr. HAT: "But Mr. Garrison, how can you say that? By any measure of human decency, this spectacle before us HAS to be deemed wrong, for the sake of human civilization. We could no longer function as a species if this sort of behavior was viewed as normal."
Cartman: "DAMMIT KENNEH!" Stan: "Bleh! He tore her brain in half! Now what do we do?"
Mr. Garrison: "Oh I don't know Mr. Hat. Nothing, not even the human race, is going to last forever. All things come to an end sometime." Mr. HAT: "But it's the way they come to an end that matters. Grave tragedies cannot be allowed to happen purely at random. Things that evoke great emotional stress need to occur in some kind of context for them to be meaningful. Otherwise, nothing would have any meaning at all, and life would be a pointless thing indeed." Mr. Garrison: "I've heard that one before...."
Cartman: "That's MAH half of Nancy's brain!" Stan: "Why don't we cut it into four parts?" Cartman: "Nah! What's the point of having less than half a brain!" Kyle: "Duh Cartman, don't you already know?" [all the kids laugh] Cartman: "Kye, I'm gonna kick you in the...."
Mr. Garrison: "...but the reality all around us is a meaningless mess already. Think of this as just another step in man's evolution as a species. We have come to a point in history when the kind of order and context of which YOU speak is no longer sustainable." Mr. HAT: "But some order is better than none at all, isn't it Mr. Garrison?" Mr. Garrison: "Naturally, Mr. Hat, but you'd just pissing in the wind at this point...."
Cartman: "THIS is NOT a BRAIN, DAMMIT!!"
[Kyle picks up a big bone and starts clubbing Cartman with it]
Cartman: "Ow! AAaww!! Stoppit, KYE."
Mr. Garrison: "...you see?" Mr. HAT: "But isn't that what the media wants us to believe? Isn't the real world a whole lot more ordinary and orderly than the things we see on television?" Mr. Garrison: "Well, Mr. Hat, have you ever seen four boys fighting over woman's internal organs on television?" Mr. HAT: "No, of course not." Mr. Garrison: "And you never will. No Mr. Hat, I'm afraid the things we see in the media are simply watered down versions of the horrible nightmare of reality. If anything, the media desires to instill in all of us the belief that the world is far more orderly than it actually is. To its credit, the media does a fine job in doing this. But the media is no longer the powerful mind-control machine it once was. People have become much more hip to reality, and so much more cynical." Mr. HAT: "And whose fault is that, Mr. Garrison?" Mr. Garrison: "It is man's destiny, Mr. Hat. We now have the intelligence to see through *everyone's* b.s. because we were designed that way. We have evolved too far, Mr. Hat." Mr. HAT: "And we have an Internet too!" Mr. Garrison: "That's just the icing on the mankind's Cake of Doom."
Kyle: "Hey, your piece of Nancy's brain is way bigger than mine." Cartman: "Well I found the betch! ALL of this should be mahn! Mahn. mahn, MAHN! Gimme that piece of brain, Kye, before I kick you in the n*ts!" Kyle: "Try and get it, lard ass!"
[Kyle climbs up a tree]
Cartman: "Dammit Kye climb down from that tree, y'hear me?" Kyle: "What's the matter, fat-bag? Can't even climb up this high?"
Mr. Garrison: "Of course there are still some of us out there, like little Eric, who may not have evolved quite as far as others." Mr. HAT: "Doesn't that make Master Eric better than the rest of us?" Mr. Garrison: "What do you mean, Mr. Hat?" Mr. HAT: "Well, if there were more people like little Eric, wouldn't this world be a better, more orderly, more predictable place to be?" Mr. Garrison: "Why, I imagine it would, but it would also be a far more miserable and boring place too. People wouldn't stand for such a thing. At least I wouldn't. It'll never happen." Mr. HAT: "But shouldn't it be forced to happen? For the sake of the species as a whole?" Mr. Garrison: "A world filled with little Nazi bastards like Eric Cartman? No way, Mr. Hat. And in any case, it's no one person's right to decide such things, and certainly no individual has the ability..."
[Mr. Garrison ducks out of the way of a piece of airborne flesh]
Mr. Garrison: "...as I was saying, no one will ever have the power to determine which way mankind evolves. But the fact that we are pleasure-seeking creatures by nature makes Eric's cause a lost one." Mr. HAT: "But nothing is certain, Mr. Garrison." Mr. Garrison: "No, it's not."
[Cartman is holding some bloody thing in his hand]
Cartman: "Now just what the hell is this?"
Mr. Garrison: "Let me see that Eric, perhaps I can identify it."
Cartman: "Okay....AHH! Misto Garrison's got a gun!!"
Kyle/Stan/Kenny: "Ahh!!!"
[Kyle cimbs down from the tree; all of the kids find cover behind various boulders.]
Mr. Garrison: "Oh now come on children, why on earth would you think of hiding from little old me?"
Cartman: "Because you gotta gun and you're a NUT!"
Mr. Garrison: "Oh well, Mr. Hat, so much for my mild-mannered facade. Okay, kids, we can either stand here all day or you can come out of hiding. I mean really, why delay the inevitable? Do you really think I have somewhere I need to be?"
Kyle: "Oh my God Stan, he really has flipped!" Stan: "What do we do now?"
Mr. Garrison: "Of course, if I could trust you four to keep quiet about Nancy; oh, what am I saying, me trust them? Ah, nevermind kids. I simply can't trust you. Each of you must die." Mr. HAT: "But Mr. Garrison..."
Stan: "Maybe we can bargain with him somehow." Kyle: "What do you think he wants?" Stan: "We could ask him why he killed Nancy Kerrigan." Kyle: "Stan, the guy is talking to his own hand. I think all there is to know about Mr. Garrison is that he's insane." Stan: "Then we need to think like he does. Think of something really insane, Kyle, and tell it to Mr. Garrison." Kyle: "Why me, dude?" Stan: "Because you're insane too, Kyle." Kyle: "I am?"
Mr. Garrison: "Now come on kids, how long am I going to have to stand around here? I mean, really. Don't be ridiculous. There isn't a snowball's chance of me letting any one of you out of these woods alive. Think about it." Mr. HAT: "He's right, kids!"
Kyle: "Eh, Mr. Garrison." Mr. Garrison: "Yes Kyle?" Kyle: "Eh...there's something really...really important you forgot to do..."
Mr. Garrison: "But of course! I forgot to load this silly gun of mine."
[Mr. Garrison puts bullets in his gun.]
Mr. Garrison [to himself]: "Silly me..."
Cartman [from a nearby rock]: "Cool, Kye." Kyle: "Eh...no, what I meant to say, is that...well..." Cartman: "Hey Mr. Garrison, if I kill Kye, can I leave?" Kyle: "Mr. Garrison, it's...it's Eric's mom." Mr. Garrison: "What about Eric's mom." Cartman: "Kye, you bastard!" Kyle: "Eh, she's... well she's here. And she's wearing her Lycos." Mr. Garrison: "Lycos? What the hell is that? And where is she?" Stan: "I saw her standing over by the big dildo rock." Kyle: "Yeah! She's back there!" Mr. Garrison: "Well what was she doing?" Stan: "Eh, I dunno. Just standing around." Mr. Garrison: "Just standing around?" Stan: "Maybe she was waiting for someone. Maybe for you." Mr. Garrison: "Nice try kids, now let's get this over with."
[Kenny emerges and appears before Mr. Garrison, Mr. Garrison rolls his eyes]
Mr. Garrison: "Oh just go wait in the car Kenny." Kenny: "**!"
[Kenny walks away unharmed]
Stan: "Oh my god! He freed Kenny!" Kyle: "You bastard!"
Mr. Garrison: "Come on Eric, you're next." Cartman [scared]: "Wheh?? Why me?" Mr. Garrison: "Because I actually dislike you, Eric." Cartman [scared]: "Behh....but shouldn't I be last then?" Mr. Garrison: "Now you're really beginning to tick me off, Eric." Cartman [scared]: "Eh, eh....okay, I confess. I did it! I killed Nancy Kerrigan. But now, now I let you all leave, if you promise not to tell any authoritahs."
[suddenly the scene is swarming with men in black suits, one of whom approaches Mr. Garrison]
FBI Man #1: "Good work Garrison." Mr. Garrison: "Aw shucks it was nuthin.' These boys are putty in my hands."
[two other FBI men are apprehending Cartman]
Cartman: "Ahh! What's this crap? Lemme go!"
FBI Man #1: "Garrison, we could use a man like you in this town." Mr. Garrison [annoyed]: "You don't say. There are quite a LOT of you guys..." FBI Man #1: "Just lose the puppet." Mr. Garrison [angry]: "How's that supposed to help?"
FBI Man #2: "Okay, kids, the perpetrator has been apprehended. The rest of you must return home at once."
Cartman [being taken away]: "Nnoooo!!"
[Kyle and Stan emerge from behind their rock]
FBI Man #1: "Garrison, are these the only survivors?" Mr. Garrison: "'Fraid so. My what an awful summer this has been."
[Pip is way up in a tree]
Pip: "Ooo! Is it safe for me to climb down now?" Mr. Garrison: "How the hell did you get way up there, Pip?" Pip: "Ooo, I'm pretty good at climbing trees, you know." Mr. Garrison [to FBI Man #1]: "Hmm, I think you should shoot that one up there." FBI Man #1: "Hmm. What? Why?" Mr. Garrison: "Trust me sir, I know this town better than you ever will." FBI Man #1 [shrugs]: "Okay."
<*Bang*>
Pip: "OOoooooo.....!"
[Pip falls into Nancy's remains and blood splashes all over every one]
Stan: "Oh my god! They killed Pip!" Kyle: "You bastards!" Mr. Garrison: "Now settle down, you two. We've got to get out of here and let these gentlemen inspect the crime scene." FBI Man #2: "He's right, kids. Nothing to see here."
[Stan and Kyle look at each other]
FBI Man #3: "Move along."
[Stan and Kyle look at each other] Stan: "Something tells me this is a long way from being over, dude." Kyle: <*gulp*>
[Mr. Garrison is driving Kenny, Stan and Kyle back home]
Kyle: "So where the hell is Cartman?"
[Back at the crime scene...]
Cartman [in black]: "Who is your authori-tah?" FBI Men [in a circle]: "You are, Herr Cartman, Sir!" Cartman [directing the men with a flute]: "Trow-sehs!"
<*drum roll*>
Cartman: "Down!" FBI Men: "Trousers down Sir!" Cartman: "AA-aannnnd.......SING!"
[*piano keys*...]
Cartman: "Hope you don't mind that they whipped those things out," FBI Men: "Our sperm's but a whisper, her deadness a shout," Cartman: "We like a dead girl, but we can't make her tink," FBI Men: "The worms in her bladder don't know what to think,"
Cartman:
"Takes a wise boy to know how to dee-e-e-e-eal," "With a carcass that no longer sque-e-e-e-eals," "But at least she can no longer see-e-e-e-e, e-e,"
FBI Men [smiling]: "He's a chick," Cartman [sad]: "With a" [*sniff*] "...dick."
[back in the car]
Mr. Garrison: "Y'know kids I'm just gonna keep driving until we hit Saskachewan, anyone got a problem with THAT..." Kids: "NO." Mr. Garrison: "THANK God."
:o :P
*thE eNd*