OK, my friend and I wrote a fanfic. It's about the future of South Park, well, our scamps anyway. It's fairly funny, but I've seen Diamond Dave, Alyssa, and SnowCalico write better, IMO. Here it is:
The Blunder Years -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------ Scene: A dirty apartment.
(An older Stan is sprawled on the couch surrounded by beer cans and chip bags. He looks as if he has not shaved in a week. Wendy casually enters)
Wendy: Hi Stan.
(Stan doesn't seem to notice her, but concentrates on his TV program)
Wendy: (A little louder) Hi Stan.
(Stan doesn't notice)
Wendy: (shouting) Hi, STAN!
Stan: (jumps) Oh, hi Wendy.
Wendy: Yeah, it used to be '*bleh*, oh hi Wendy!' It was so..romantic.
Stan: Whatever.
Wendy: (walks to her room) Oh, by the way, Stan..you did remember our aniversary tomorrow, right?
Stan: Yeah, sure Wendy. (she enters her room smiling devilishly and closes the door behind her, Stan suddenly realizes) Aniversary!? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------ Scene: A Cheezy Poof factory.
(An older-looking Cartman is sitting at his desk, looking fat as usual. "AY!" He sports a black handlebar mustache and wears a toupee to hide his huge bald head (not filled with brains), he is dressed in a black Armani suit)
Cartman: (On the phone) Yeah I want more Cheesy Poofs! I want them here tomorrow! Got that? Good! (pause) I don't care what that cat wants, just tell him "No Kitty, these are MY Cheesy Poofs!" He'll shutup, trust me. You'd better have them tomorrow, or you'll never work in this goddamn town again! (sweetly) Cheerio, Pip old chap.
Jenkins: (over the intercom) Sir, there's a young man to see you. He claims to be one of your old friends, and adressed you by the name of 'Fatass'.
Cartman: Tell him 'Ay!' and send him away, Jenkins.
Jenkins: But he's-
Stan: (over the intercom) Damnit, fatass, let me in! I need to talk to you!
Cartman: (sarcastically) Oh Stan, my childhood playmate, how wonderful it is to hear your voice shouting 'Fatass.' Just like old times.
Stan: Cut the crap, Cartman, are you gonna let me in or not?
Cartman: (mumbling) Just press the button to your left marked 'Do Not Touch'
(The door to Cartman's office opens with a buzzing sound and Stan, wearing a faded, stained blue suit and a black derby covering his hair, enters, his eyebrows in the 'V for anger' look)
Stan: (stops in suprise) Damn, you got fat dude. (eyes him up and down)
Cartman: You'd better watch what you say to me, Stan. I'm on top. I'm successful. And what are you?
Stan: In desperate need of help. (leans closer) Look dude, it's Wendy's and my aniversary tomorrow, and I, uh, well..forgot.
Cartman: (bursts out laughing) Ah ha ha ha ha, you're asking for my help?
Stan: Uh, well I'm flat broke and I was wondering...
Cartman: I ain't helpin' crap! I'm gonna eat some pie! (presses a button on the intercom) Jenkins, (bluntly) get me a pie!
Jenkins: (over the intercom) Yes sir.
Cartman: (A chocolate chicken pot pie appears in front of him) Ah, well, that looks pretty good. (shoves his face into it, when he draws back the pie is completely gone)
Stan: Dude! (Cartman licks his lips) Uh, well, you ate some pie, can you help me now?
Cartman: Let me think for a moment, uh, NO!
Stan: But I really need some money! Wendy's gonna kick me out! I'm gonna be peniless on the street!
Cartman: Well that's just your problem. Nyah.
Stan: But Cartman-
Cartman: I'm not listening! (plugs his ears)
Stan: Damnit, fatass, stop it! You're such a fat ass that every time you f*ck a girl you break the goddamn bed, AND the floor under it!
Cartman: (presses a button on the intercom, one ear still plugged) Jenkins, please say "Ay!" for me.
Jenkins: (over the intercom) Ay, sir.
Cartman: Thank you, Jenkins.
Stan: You're such a stupid ass that you-
Cartman: (presses the button again) Jenkins, please say 'I will kick you in the nuts!' for me.
Jenkins: (over intercom) Uh, I will kick you in the nuts, sir.
Cartman: Not to me, you idiot!
Jenkins: Oh, sorry sir. Well, it's 5 o'clock, quitting time. Goodbye sir.
Cartman: Goodbye, Jenkins.
Jenkins: (you can hear him muttering over the intercom to himself) Typical day, typical day.. (the intercom shuts off)
Cartman: Now, as I was saying, Stan, get out.
Stan: But-
Cartman: (beginning to throw a tantrum) Get the hell out nooooooww! (squeeling)
Stan: Ok, ok, damnit.. (he quickly leaves and closes the door behind him)
<Cut to commercial> -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------ Scene: Hollywood Studios
(Kenny is sitting in a director's chair with his name on it. Stan enters the studio.)
Stan: (addressing a man working the camera) Where can I-
Cameraman: The polite form is 'do you know where I can find'-
Stan: Right. Do you know where-
Cameraman: 'Excuse me, do you know where I can find'. One must be proper-
Stan: (sighs) Excuse me, do you know where I can find-
Cameraman: You don't have to be so FORMAL-
Stan: Just direct me to Kenny McCormick NOW, before I get really pissed off!
Cameraman: McCormick, who's that?
Stan: Um, I guess you could call him 'the dead kid'.
Cameraman: Oh yeah, him, he's over there. (indicates the chair)
Stan: (mumbling) Finally.. (he walks over to Kenny)
Kenny: (turns, all of his words are mumbling) Hey, Stan!
Stan: Hi, dude. Look, I've got a little problem with Wendy. You see, our anniversary is-
Cameraman: Stuntman!
Kenny: Oh, that's me, gotta go! (he walks up to the set and puts on a parachute. He is launched from a fake plane, into the air, and opens his parachute. He falls for a while)
Director: Cut! And print!
(Kenny's parachute gets caught in a tree. In his frantic attempt to free himself he knocks over a bee's nest. The bees swarm over him and sting him until he has swelled much like a marshmellow from the many stings)
Kenny: (walks back to Stan, sounds more bloated, almost like Cartman only mumbling) You were saying?
Stan: Nevermind, uh, I think I'll ask Kyle. Yeah, I'll just be going now. Far, far away.
Kenny: Okay, dude, bye.
<Cut to commercial> -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Scene- The Street (Stan is calling Kyle from a payphone outside the Hollywood Studios. The answering machine answers the phone)
Machine: You have reached the office of Mr. and Mrs. Kyle Broflofski.
Stan: Mr. and Mrs.?
Machine: If you have some unresolved flatulence issues, press 1 now.
Stan: Oh great..
Machine: If you would like to apply for a job, press 2 now.
Stan: (sighs)
(A large graphic of white block letters appears, reading 'Four Hours Later...')
Machine: If you would like to speak personally to Mr. or Mrs. Kyle Broflofski, press 4-6-2, now.
Stan: Finally! (presses the buttons)
Machine: You have pressed 4-6-2. If you have made a mistake, press 1 now. (Pause) If you would like to speak to Mr. Kyle Broflofski, press 2 now. (Stan presses 2) You have pressed 2. If you have made a mistake, please press 1 now.
Stan: Sometimes I think the whole world is out to get me...
Machine: If you would like to speak to Mr. Kyle Broflofski about a buisness matter, press 2 now. (Pause) If you would like to speak to Mr. Kyle Broflofski about becoming a client, press 3 now.
Stan: Oh Kyle, I swear I'm gonna kill you..maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday...and for the rest of your life..you'll be dead.
Machine: If you would like to speak to Mr. Kyle Broflofski about a personal matter, please press 4 now. (Stan presses 4) You have pressed 4. We are sorry, but Mr. Kyle Broflofski is not available at this moment. If you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, he will try to get back to you within the next millenium. Thank you for calling the office of Mr. Kyle Broflofski. You will be charged $1.50 for the first minute and $2.00 for each additional minute. (Stan hears a beep)
Stan: (sweetly) Kyle, it's Stan. Remember me? I just wanted to ask weither you had a death wish or not. You're not getting a cent of my mon-
Kyle: (picks up the phone) Stan?!
Stan: (sarcastically) Dude, the next millenium came already.
Kyle: That stupid piece of crap was Bebe's idea.
Stan: Bebe?
Kyle: Yeah, Mrs. Kyle Broflofski. Speaking of wives, how are you and Wendy as a couple?
Stan: How did you-
Kyle: Oh, just a lucky guess.
Stan: Kyle, I..um, have a little problem, actually. You see, our aniversary is tomorrow, and-
Kyle: Oh, I see. You forgot to buy her a little something, didn't you?
Stan: Yeah, and I'm flat broke!
Kyle: I've got a little cash on me..
Stan: Dude, thanks! How much?
Kyle: 'Bout 10 bucks.
Stan: 10 bucks?!
Kyle: Hey, what can I say, I'm a miser.
Stan: Dude, you don't want to know what I went through today, but I'll tell you. Wendy came home today from her job, and casually reminded me about tomorrow's anniversary, and you see, I forgot to buy a gift and I was low on cash. So low, that if I emptied my pockets, you would see absolutely nothing save lint and a few bugs. So, I went to...Cartman. I know it wasn't the best choice, but I figured he was in the big buisness and the factory is right near my house. As you probably guessed, he ate some pie, said a few classic lines, or rather his secretary did, and turned me down. Next I went to Kenny. He's a stuntman, go figure. After getting a lecture on manners from a 50-year old cameraguy, I got to say 5 words and then Kenny was called onto the set. He jumped out of a plane, hit a tree, and got stung by about 140 bees when he disturbed their nest. He nearly died, big surpise. I resolved to come to you, where I waited 4 hours while that stupid hunk of junk that you call an answering machine went on about flatulence isssues. I finally got to talk to you..and you lend me 10 dollars. Do you think that's a hard day? I think so, do you?! (by now Stan is nearly going insane, shouting and tearing at his hair)
Kyle: Ok, dude, ok! I'll lend you 15 bucks.
Stan: Kyyyle!
Kyle: Ok, ok, 25, but not a penny more.
Stan: (mumbles) Scrooge.
Kyle: I'll have (pause) 30 bucks sent over to you right now.
(Instantly a delivery truck pulls up in front of of Stan, a man hands him 30 bucks, and drives away)
Stan: That was quick..thanks, dude.
Kyle: No prob. Just get her a nice gift, 'k? Bye. (They hang up)
Stan: (suddenly spots a gambling house across the street) Sweet! (he enters, you can hear him shouting from the outside of the building) Damnit! Broke again!
THE END (Suddenly Kenny walks out onto the screen and cheers for his survivial. The 'D' in 'END' falls on his head, killing him. The credits roll)
MORAL: Don't ask Cartman for anything. At all. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------- The funny thing is how every slightly-forgetful guy can relate to it. any negative comments may be directed to that brick wall over there, but constructive critisism and friendly comments are welcome. Be careful, we're sensitive! :)