Okay, I'm pretty sure this should have been longer, and could definitely be better in places, but hey, it's my first rewrite, gimme a break...
Gabriel
[Scene: The bus stop. A girl dressed in a white robe is standing there. She has a pair of wings and a halo floating over her head. She also wears thick glasses. The scamps come on the scene.]
Kyle:<to the girl> Dude, who are you? Girl:<turning to face the boys> Greetings. I'm Gabriel, the archangel.
[Kyle, Stan, and Cartman look indifferent. Kenny bows deeply to Gabriel.]
Stan: W-e-l-l, hi Gabriel. <to Kenny> Why the hell are you bowing, dude? Kenny:<straightens up, looking embarrassed> Mmpmhphmm, mmphm, mmphmphmmh. (She's the archangel, dude, I gotta show respect.) Gabriel:<taking off her glasses, peering at Kenny> Haven't I seen you before? In heaven? Kenny: Mm...mphmphmhpm! (Uh...you might have!) Gabriel:<peers at Kenny some more and puts her glasses back on> Oh. Well anyway, you might be wondering why I'm here. Kyle: Actually-- Gabriel: I'm spending a week's vacation here in South Park. Heaven got a little boring for me - I needed a break. Stan: Okay fine dude, whatever. Gabriel: I've heard a lot about South Park, which is why I came here. I'd like to meet the virgin's son. Stan: Who? Kyle: I think she means Michael Jackson's son. Stan: Oh. Gabriel: Actually, I think I'll come along with you, to see how mortals live. Kyle: Um, okay. <muttering to himself> The archangel is gonna visit our school...wonderful, just wonderful. As if the place wasn't weird enough already.
[The bus drives up.]
Ms. Crabtree: Siddown and SHUT UP! Stan: We didn't say anything, you f*cking whore. Ms. Crabtree: WOT DID YOU SAY? Stan: I said, 'My mom repainted our kitchen door'! Ms. Crabtree: Oh.
[The boys and Gabriel board.]
Gabriel: Wow, that woman's really awful! Ms. Crabtree: WOT DID YOU SAY?? Gabriel: I-I said that murder is unlawful! Ms. Crabtree: Oh. It certainly is. Stan: <to Gabriel> Nice one.
[Scene switches to in the classroom. The boys and Gabriel enter. The boys take their seats, and there is a convenient empty desk next to Kyle. Gabriel sits in it.]
Mr. Garrison: Kyle, who is that girl sitting next to you? Kyle: Her name is Gabriel, she's the archangel. She's on a week's vacation here in South Park. Mr. Garrison: Oh, okay.
[Garrison turns around and starts writing something on the board]
Gabriel: Wow, how did he take that so well? Kyle: Garrison's f*cked up, and besides, weirder stuff has happened in this town. Gabriel: Oh.
[Garrison turns back to the class. he has written "Benjamin Franklin" on the board.]
Mr. Garrison: Today, children, Mr. Hat is going to tell us about Benjamin Franklin. Mr. Hat: That's right, Mr. Garrison. Children, Ben Franklin invented electricity, and was Albert Einstein's twin brother. He also invented the lightbulb, and...<drones on> Kyle: By the way, Gabriel, don't listen to a thing Garrison says. He never teaches anything right. Gabriel: Oh, okay.
[Scene switches to the playground at recess. The boys and Gabriel are standing there doing nothing, when suddenly a bunch of kids crowd around Gabriel.]
Clyde: Hey Gabriel, can I have an autograph? Bebe: I want an autograph too! Pip: I'll pay fifty dollars for one!
[Kids surround Gabriel, each one asking for an autograph.]
Gabriel: What do I do? Stan: I don't know, just sign whatever they hand you until they go away. Kenny: <giggles to himself, having perverted that statement>
[Gabriel does just that for a long time. The crowd begins to ebb.]
Kyle: Hey, I wonder why nobody's asking for Kenny's autograph, since he always comes back from the dead.
[On cue, a bunch of kids surround Kenny and beg him for autographs. Kenny shoots a glare at Kyle.]
Kenny:<angrily> Mmpmmpmh, Mmlh! (Thanks a lot, Kyle!) Kyle: Sorry, dude!
[He, Stan, and Cartman walk away, leaving Kenny and Gabriel busily signing autographs. Scene switches to that night, Kenny and Gabriel finish with the autographs.]
Kenny: Mpmh, Mpmhpmhpmhh! (Dude, I'm worn out!) Gabriel: Me too.
[Kyle walks on the scene]
Kyle: C'mon dudes, we're all going to the Tuesday All-You-Can-Eat!
[Kenny and Gabriel follow Kyle, crossing the street. Some drunk driver barrels around a corner and hits Kenny.]
Kyle: Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You bastards! Gabriel:<puzzled> Why are you so upset? It happens so often. Kyle: I'm not upset, I'm just a little pissed that he died again. C'mon.
[Scene switches to the All-You-Can-Eat. The three remaining boys and Gabriel are sitting in a group. The waiter comes up and serves the food, and everybody starts eating. The priest and Mephesto are seen sitting at a nearby table. The priest notices Gabriel.]
Priest: Hey, Alphonse, look at that girl sitting over there. <he points to Gabriel> Mephesto: Yes, what about her? Priest: Didn't you notice the wings and the halo? She's an angel!
[The two listen to the conversation for a minute, and hear Gabriel's name mentioned.]
Priest: Holy crap, she's the ARCHangel! We could make a mint putting her on display!
[Closeup of the priest's face, there are little dollar signs in his eyes. Mephesto grins - there are dollar signs in his eyes too.]
Mephesto: Yes...and an angel would be the perfect subject for some of my experiments!
[Cartman is wandering back to the buffet table from the bathrooms, and hears the priest and Mephesto plotting. He looks angry.]
Cartman:<quietly, so they can't hear him> Oh, no you don't. I want her for a pet.
[After the meal, the kids walk out of the diner]
Cartman: Gabriel, can I talk to you for a minute? Gabriel: Sure, what about? Cartman: Well, uh, how, how are you enjoying your stay? Gabriel: This place is weird, but so far I'm having fun. Cartman: Well, uh, there's a, a couple men who want to, uh, make money off you, so if you'll just come to my house... Gabriel: Okay.
[Cartman leaves and Gabriel follows. Scene switches to Mr. Garrison's classroom the next day. Gabriel is not present.]
Kyle: Dude, where's Gabriel? Stan: I dunno. Cartman: <shifts uncomfortably> Stan: What's wrong, Cartman? Kyle: Maybe he ate her.
[They laugh]
Cartman: AY! I did not! For your information, she's mah pet. Stan: You can't keep angels as pets, fatass! Cartman: Oh yeah, just watch me! Kyle: Dammit Cartman, let her go! Cartman: <mutters to himself>
[Scene switches to a dark field, Mephesto and the minister are at the front of a crowd]
Minister: So, help us get her! Crowd Member #1: We can't. Crowd Member #2: Yeah, she's an angel, it'd be blasphemy. Mephesto: <throws a few wads of money into the crowd> Crowd Member #1: Just tell us what we gotta do! Minister and Mephesto: <grin>
[Scene is the bus stop the next day, Gabriel still isn't there]
Kyle: Cartman, you let her go, right? Cartman: Uh....yeah. Stan: Dude, then where is she? Kyle: I guess she went to find Michael Jackson's son like she said. Stan: But it's weird, she was having so much fun... Cartman: Well, you know how angels are...she probably caught the first Amtrack to Heaven. Stan: <noticing a white feather on Cartman's shoulder> Where the hell is that feather from? Cartman: Oh...I had, um...chicken for breakfast. Kyle: Cartman you fat ass, no one eats chicken for breakfast. Where's Gabriel? Cartman: How the hell should I know? Do I look like God or something? Stan: You butt wipe, I told you you can't keep angels as pets. Kyle: Yeah, angels are, like, divine messengers...and besides, what would you feed her...Cheesy Poofs? Cartman: Yeah. Stan: You moron, c'mon we have to go find her...where is she? Cartman: Why the hell should I tell you? She's mah pet.
[A mob is coming, led by the minister and Mephesto]
Stan: Because if those other guys find her, she'll be put on display. Cartman: So? Kyle: So? How would you like it if you had lived your life flying among the clouds, and one day some bastard locked you in a cage? If you could never again feel the cool br-- Cartman: Alright dammit, you're giving me a headache with that dumb hippie crap...
[Scene is Cartman's house] [Gabriel is on the couch watching TV, eating, of course, Cheesy Poofs, she is noticeably fatter.]
Kyle: Damn! She must've gained 20 pounds, what the hell did you feed her, Cartman? Only Cheesy Poofs? Cartman: That and Captain Sugar's Fruit Juice. Stan: You've got to go, Gabriel, there's a group coming right now, and they want to put you on display. Gabriel: I don't know if I can fly anymore, I've gained way too much weight. Stan: Damn.
[Heavenly blue light, Kenny's ghost appears]
Kyle: DUDE! It's Kenny's ghost. Kenny, you gotta help Gabriel get back to heaven. Kenny: Mmrrppphh mmmm mrrpph? Mmphmmpmr rrmpmpmphmgm. (You want me to carry her? That bitch must weigh 100 pounds.) Stan: Come on, Kenny.
[Kenny nods, hoists Gabriel onto his shoulders, grunts, begins to fly out]
Stan: BYE GABRIEL! Bye KENNY! Have a good afterlife!
[Outside the house the mob has gathered, they see Kenny's ghost and Gabriel getting away.]
Jimbo:<cocks gun> It's ok, I'll get 'em, angel wings would make a great trophy. Kenny: OH NO! Gabriel: Don't worry, you're a ghost, they can't hurt you.
[Jimbo shoots, bullet hits Kenny's ghost, he gasps and plummets to earth, Gabriel pumps her wings real hard and she manages to stay in the air]
Gabriel: Well, I'll be, you CAN shoot a ghost. Kenny: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
[He hits ground and sinks below earth. He climbs out as an angel and spreads his wings, taking flight. He catches up to Gabriel.]
Kenny: Mrrrppph? Mmmm mrrpph? (Why me? Why always me?) Gabriel: C'mon, let's hurry before Jimbo can reload...
[They fly out of sight.] [Scene switches to Kyle, Stan and Cartman on Cartman's porch step.]
Stan: That was pretty f*cked up right there. Kyle: I'll say...hey! The Terrance and Phillip Classic Episode show is coming on...let's go!
[They all go inside.] [Fin]
Alyssa