SOUTH PARK The Party - Part 1 by Steve Sutton
(Garrison is drawing something on the blackboard.) Garrison: Okay, class, because of some stupid law that was just passed, you're required to learn about human reproduction, so let's get this over with. Pip (raising his hand): Mister Garrison, sir? Garrison: Yes, Pip, what is it? Pip: I don't mean to be forward, or anything, but is this subject really appropriate for eight-year-olds? Garrison: No, Pip, it isn't. That's why I'm going to try like hell to avoid talking about it. Pip: Oh, I see. Garrison (turning to the blackboard): Anyway, class, who can tell me what this is? (Kyle raises his hand.) Garrison: Yes, Kyle? Kyle: A marshmellow? Garrison: Sorry, Kyle. Anyone else? Clyde: Is it the Empire State Building? Garrison: No, Clyde, it's not the Empire State Building. Kenny: {Oooooh! I know! It's a penis with a lot of hair around it!} Garrison: It's a cloud, dammit! And this thing on top of it is the Kingdom of Heaven! Now, pay attention! When your mom and dad love each other very much, God rewards them by putting a baby in your mom's stomach. When the baby gets too big, she has to go to the hospital so the doctors can take it out. Kyle: But, Mister Garrison... Garrison: Yes, Kyle? Kyle: I'm Jewish, we don't believe in God or Heaven. Stan: Yeah, besides, everybody knows babies happen when a man puts his penis in a woman's vagina and squirts semen into it. Clyde: Yeah. Garrison: Well, that does it! You get yourself to the principal's office, right now, Stanley! Stan: But what did I do? Garrison: Sorry, Stan, but playing stupid isn't going to work this time. (Stan looks at Kyle. Kyle shrugs and Stan heads to the principal's office.) Garrison: Okay, now that we've got that nasty business out of the way, let's move onto the finer points of The Dukes of Hazzard. When the original Dukes left the show... Cartman: Hey, you guys, my mom's going out of town this weekend, and she's leaving me home alone...you know, like in that movie, "Home Alone"...so, why don't you guys come over and we'll have a party, or something. Kyle: Where's your mom going? Cartman: She has to go to Denver for a business meeting. Kyle: Business meeting? What the hell are you talking about, Cartman? Your mom doesn't work. Cartman: She does so work! She happens to have a very good job, Kyle! Kyle: Oh, yeah? Where? Garrison: Is there a problem, boys? Kyle: No, Mister Garrison. We were just talking about Cartman's mom's job. Garrison: Well, his mom doesn't have a job, Kyle. She's a whore. Cartman: Ay! Garrison: Besides, what has she got to do with The Dukes of Hazzard? Kenny: {She probably fucked them.} Garrison: Yes, Kenny, very likely. Anyway, there were actually several different General Lees used during the show's production... Cartman: So, you guys wanna come over, or what? Kyle: Sure, whatever. Kenny: {I'll be there.} Pip: Sounds like jolly good fun, Eric. Cartman: Yes, it does. Too bad you're going to miss it, Pip, ol' chap! Pip (disappointed): Yes. Yes, that is too bad. (Later that evening, the Marshes are at the dinner table, eating dinner. Shelley is making all kinds of slurping noises while she eats. Stan watches her uncomfortably.) Stan: Mom, when is Shelley going to lose her headgear? Shelley: Why? Is it bothering you, twirp? Stan: No, dude, I was just asking. Sharon: Well, Stan, the dentist isn't really sure. Stan: Why not? Randy: Your sister won't lay off the sweets, son. Sharon: Yes, and all that sugar just keeps eating away at her teeth and gums. Stan: But, I thought the headgear was just to keep her teeth straight. Randy: It is, son, but it also keeps them from falling out. Stan: Oh. Shelley: Can we please stop talking about my teeth? Sharon: Of course, dear. Stan: Don't you brush you're teeth, Shelley? Shelley: I'll brush you if you don't change the subject, twirp. Stan (pausing): What does THAT mean? Randy: Now, son, let's not dwell on your sister's shortcomings. Sharon: Yes, Stan. Tell us what you learned in school, today. Stan: Oh. Well, Mister Garrison told us where babies come from. (Randy chokes on some food.) Sharon (shocked): He...did? Stan: Yeah, he explained the whole thing. Sharon (flatly): He did? Stan: Yep. Sharon: Well, what exactly did he say, Stanley? Stan: He said that babies happen when a mother and father love each other very much, and that their love is rewarded with a baby that God sends down from Heaven. Sharon (relieved): Ohh... Stan: Yeah, and when I told him that babies happen when a man puts his penis in a woman's vagina and squirts semen into it, I got sent to the principal's office. (Sharon almost faints and falls out of her seat.) Randy (standing up): Stanley Marsh, you get upstairs to bed right this minute, mister! Stan: But I'm not finished eating. Randy: Well, you should've thought of that before giving your mother a coronary! Stan (getting up): Man! Shelley (taunting): Stan got in trou-ble, Stan got in trou-ble... Stan: Shut up, Shelley. (Shelley punches him as he starts for the stairs.) Shelley: You want a piece of me, twirp? Sharon: That's enough, you two! Stanley, up to bed, now! Stan: I'm going!
TO BE CONTINUED...