"BARNEY VISITS SOUTH PARK" by Xebot, 6/6/99 [email]
[This is a repost of my very first South Park fanfic -- nobody had the sense to stop me back then, and now it's too late.]
STAN: Hey, Kyle, did you see that dinosaur special on PBS last night?
KYLE: Yeah, that was cool. I liked the T-Rex best.
CARTMAN: I liked the brontosaur.
STAN: That's because you both got big, fat asses!
CARTMAN: I'm not FAT! I just got dinosaur bones!
STAN: You got dinosaur butt, fat-ass! Hey, suppose we find a dinosaur and tame it.
KYLE: Yeah, it'll make a cool pet for Ike.
CARTMAN: PBS says that they stink.
STAN: That's "extinct". It means that they used to stink before bathtubs were invented.
KENNY: Mrrmph!
CARTMAN: What would you know, Kenny? Your family can't afford to take a bath because your dad's an alchoholic!
[KENNY SOCKS CARTMAN]
KYLE: Maybe Chef will know where we can find a dinosaur?
[THE KIDS WALK TO THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA]
CHEF: What can I do for you kids? May I recommend the Geraldo Rivera Tartar? That's ham and eggs. Oh, I forgot that Kyle's Jewish. How about the Jerry Springer Motza? It's basically a bunch of crackers thrown in a blender.
STAN: We're not here for food, Chef. We want to know where we can find a Dinosaur.
CHEF: Have you tried "All My Children"? Susan Lucci's plastic surgeon just got a lifetime-achievement award from the AMA.
KYLE: No, we're looking for a dinosaur to keep as a pet.
CHEF: What I wouldn't pet on Susan Lucci! [SINGING] Oh, Miss Lucci, I'd love to hoochie-choochie In any bedroom of your choice...
CARTMAN: NO, NO, NO! We want a REAL dinosaur!
STAN: Yeah, we're looking for something younger than Susan Lucci.
KYLE: And fewer claws.
KENNY: Mrdolitufkfhhopp dppphh, hp hmrpphhhfs!
CHEF: Oh! Why didn't you say so? I read in the paper that they're filming an episode of "Barney" on-location in South Park today. Just head south on North St., and take a left on Killkenny Road. You can't miss it.
[THE KIDS ARRIVE. BARNEY, THE PURPLE DINOSAUR, WALKS UP TO THE BOYS.]
BARNEY: [SINGING] I love you, you love me...
CARTMAN: Hey! What are you, some kind of pervert? I suppose that my mother's gonna tell me that you're just another of my "uncles" who has to spend the night, and make me wear dresses and pumps, and sing Judy Garland songs and ...
BARNEY: I'm Barney, the purple dinosaur! I love children.
STAN: Watch out, it's a T-Rex! He's going to eat us!
KYLE: Quick! Hide behind Cartman. Maybe the dinosaur will get confused and try to mate with him!
CARTMAN: No, let's hide behind Kenny! Maybe the T-Rex will think that we're all on welfare and too poor to be worth eating!
KENNY: Mpdlkffjmph, elkaj djmmphhhyarrgh?
KYLE: Good idea, Kenny!
[KYLE, STAN AND KENNY GRAB CARTMAN AND USE HIM TO SLAP BARNEY UPSIDE THE HEAD.]
STAN: I think we got him!
CARTMAN: That hurt!
KYLE: Not as much as it hurt us to lift you, fat-ass!
[BARNEY RECOVERS]
BARNEY: I don't want to hurt you, children. I'm you're friend, Barney, the purple dinosaur!
KYLE: The color purple? Isn't that the name of that gay movie where the two chicks kiss?
BARNEY: I'm not gay. This is a wholesome show for the entire family.
CARTMAN: Ever take your family on a big, gay boatride?
BARNEY: But I'm not gay. However, I don't descriminate against those who are genetically inclined to favor members of the same sex.
KYLE: Hear that? He's performing genetic experiments to produce gay dinosaurs!
STAN: You're sick. No wonder you're extinct. Take a bath, dude.