South Park: The Other Team.
Little Sheila Broslofski is used with permission from Kyle "Call me Jess and I'll chop you up into little bitty bits" Broslofski. THANK YOU JESS!!
Warren is my creation., not to be used without my express permision.
COMMENTS, CRITICISMS AND QUESTIONS ARE WELCOMED. Dont be afraid to let me have it, I want to hear what people think.
Enjoy......
[Sheila, Warren and the boys are in Stan's backyard, playing frisbee with Stan's gay dog, Sparky. Stan accidently hits Sheila in the head with the frisbee. She rubs her head and scowls at Stan.]
Sheila: GO SCREW A PINWHEEL, FANOOPEL BOY!!!
Stan: Whats her problem?
Kyle: She homonal today.
Stan: Does that mean she's a homo?
Kenny: Mmmmghrghm.
Warren: <grumbles> Again with the lesbians.
[Sheila stalks off, muttering something about there being too many assholes and not enough pinwheels.]
[The next day . . . ]
[Sheila and Wendy are sitting in Wendy's room, playing Barbies. Sheila's Barbie has a shaved head, dressed in combat fatigues and is holding a small pinwheel.]
Sheila: . . . and then they called me a lesbain.
Wendy: Boys are so clueless about girls.
Sheila: And pretty much eveything else that doesn't have a motor, anything to do sports, or anything to do with guns.
Wendy: <giggles> Totally.
Sheila: <looking at Wendy's normal looking Barbie then at her own> DIEDIEDIE!!! <she picks up Wendy's Barbie and snaps it in half>
[In Warren's basement, Warren and the boys are playing video games. Warren starts laughing.]
Stan: Whats so funny?
Warren: I was just thinking about Sheila being a lesbian.
[The room bursts into laughter.]
Cartman: AY!! It's not funny!!
Kyle: Yes, it is, dude.
Stan: I bet Cartman turned her into a lesbian.
Warren: I thought gayness was hertitary?
Kyle: Dude, Sheila's not gay, she's a lesbian.
Warren: Lesbians are gay women.
Stan: Then what are gay men?
Warren: Mister Garrison.
[The room bursts into laughter again.]
Warren: <after drying his eyes> I know who we can get to answer all our questions.
[He goes up stairs, followed by the others. Warren picks up the phone and dials a number, then talks quietly into the reciever. After several minutes, he hangs up.]
Kyle: Who were you talking to?
Warren: Just a former lesbian substitute teacher I had.
[The kids look at one another.]
Stan: By any chance was her name Miss Ellen?
Warren: Whoa! How'd you know that??
Kyle: She's been here before, dude.
Warren: Sweet.
Stan: Not for us. Wendy went off the deep end and tried to kill her.
Warren: Yeah, she mentioned something about being shot into the sun.
Cartman: I figured that was the last we saw of her.
Warren: Are you kidding me!? She's a raging lesbain and not even the sun could stop her.
[Later that week, Miss Ellen arrives on a Grey Mutt bus. Warren and the others boys are waiting for her at the terminal. Warren and Miss Ellen hug.]
Warren: I'm so glad you could come.
Miss Ellen: I haven't lately.
Kyle: What the hell are you talking about, your standing right here!
Miss Ellen: You'll understand when your older.
[Kyle gives her a strange look as Kenny giggles.]
[At the Broslofski house, Kyle leads Miss Ellen into the living room. Mrs. Broslofski is sitting on the couch watching a daytime soap.]
Mrs. B: Who do you have there, Boobila.
Kyle: This is Miss Ellen. She's a lesbian.
Mrs. B: Ooh, thats nice, dear. <a pause> Whatwhatwhat?!?!
Miss Ellen: Its okay, Sheila, I was a little confused when I realized I was a lesbian, but that will pass and you'll discover what a great satisfaction that two women can reach in an intimate embrace.
[Mrs. Broslofski faints.]
Miss Ellen: Was it something I said?
Kyle: Dude, that was my mom and your here to see my cousin Sheila.
Miss Ellen: You mean there's two Sheila Broslofskis?
Kyle: I'm afraid so.
Miss Ellen: Doesn't that get confusing?
Kyle: You have no idea.
Miss Ellen: Apparently.
Kyle: Huh?
Miss Ellen: Never mind. Can I meet Sheila now? Uhh, I mean your cousin.
Kyle: sure. <shouting> SHEILA, YOU HAVE COMPANY!!!
[We hear a door slam and Sheila loudly clomping down the stairs. At the bottom, she removes her wooden shoes.]
Miss Ellen: Whats with the wooden shoes?
Sheila: How else will people know I'm using the stairs?
Miss Ellen: Ooh, good point. Anyway, Warren called me here to talk to you about lesbianism.
[Sheila looks around suspiciously.]
Sheila: Is he here now?
Miss Ellen: Well, no. It'll be just you and me.
Kyle: Sick, dude, she's only eight years old.
Sheila: Nine years old.
Kyle: Sheila, your eight years old.
Sheila: Nine.
Miss Ellen: Can we move on?
Kyle: Fine.
Sheila: Thank you, I'd hate to embaress him in front of company.
Kyle: Like you could!
[Miss Ellen grabs Sheila by the arm and leads her into the kitchen. Sheila turns and gives Kyle the finger.]
Kyle: <mumbles> Bitch.
[In the kitchen, Miss Ellen sits with Sheila at the kitchen table.]
Miss Ellen: Do you wanna talk about your budding lesbianism?
Sheila: But I'm not a lesbian, it makes my toungue feel all funny.
Miss Ellen: Oh, you've tried before?
Sheila: Yea, I spilled tang in the living room carpet this morning.
Miss Ellen: No, I'm talking about being a honest to goodness lesbian.
Sheila: ICK!! Gross! I dont want to be an actress. I'll have to get cleavage.
Miss Ellen: Uhh, Sheila, I said lesbian, not thesbian.
Sheila: Oooooooh.
Miss Ellen: Even so, there's nothing to be ashamed of. It's perfectly normal.
Sheila: Not for me, I have a boyfriend.
Miss Ellen: Oh? Who is he?
Sheila: Eric Cartman. He's my Cookie.
Miss Ellen: I remember him. Fat, loud kid that everyone hates.
Sheila: Nononono, you must be thinking of some one else. My Cookie is buff and sexy, plus he's so sincere.
Miss Ellen: Then why does everyone think you're a lesbian?
Sheila: Because my asshole cousin told everyone I was hormonal.
Miss Ellen: I see.
Sheila: Is it my fault I've been PMS-ish since age three?
Miss Ellen: Well, I guess not.
Sheila: Damn straight.
Miss Ellen: Not me.
[Off screen, we hear Kyle shout that Sheila has more company. Wendy walks in and sees Miss Ellen.]
Wendy: BITCH!!
Sheila: Whats going on?
Wendy: This flea ridden whore tried to steal my Stanley!! And I bet she's gonna steal your Cartman next!!
[Sheila's face goes red.]
Miss Ellen: Now just wait a minute! I don't even like men!
[Sheila pulled out a pinwheel and starts smiling dangeruosly.]
Miss Ellen: What a cute pinwheel.
Wendy: Not for long, skank.
Miss Ellen: Huh?
Sheila: DIEDIEDIEDIE!!!!
[Sheila leaps at Miss Ellen.]
Wendy: Save some for me!
[Wendy leaps at Miss Ellen.]
[Back in the living room, Mrs. Broslofski wakes up to the screaming thats coming from the kitchen. Kyle is sitting there watching TV, seamingly unaware of whats happening in the other room.]
Mrs. Broslofski: Whats all that screaming, Kyle?
Kyle: Wendy and Sheila are taking turns with Miss Ellen.
[Mrs. Broslofski faints again.]
[At reccess the following day. Sheila and Wendy are watching the boys play kick ball.]
Sheila: There's a lesson here, I just know it.
Wendy: How about lesbians always try to steal boyfriends?
Sheila: I think it's that all lesbians are religiuos.
Wendy: How do you figure that?
Sheila: She kept yelling, "Ooh God, I'm coming!" Over again and again while my pinwheel was in her ass.
Wendy: Hmmmph, Lesbians. Who knows what makes them tick?
End.