Cartman Gets a Heart Attack (with thanks to the late Anthony Burgess) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Insert legal crap here.
Sheila appears courtesy of alt.tv.southpark's own Kyle Broslofski! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- <Opening chords. We come in on Mr. Garrisson's class. He's just finishing up>
Garrisson: ...until the word "Maudling" is thoroughly obscured. Well, that's it for today, children.
Pip: But, Mr. Garrisson, there are still forty minutes left! <someone flings a pencil at him> Ouch, me head!
Garrisson: Yes, but there's a sale on tequila at Jim's Rotgut Palace, and they close in <checks watch> twelve hours, so I'd better get going.
<Playground>
Stan: Well, we're stuck here, that bitch won't leave for a half-hour.
Crabtree: <passing> WHAT DID YOU SAY??!!!
Stan: I said Brian Hitch loves half-sours!
Crabtree: Oh. I prefer garlic dills.
Cartman: Aaaghh!!
Sheila: What's wrong, snookie-woogums? <Kenny giggles. Sheila whacks him with a pinwheeel>
Cartman: Knives... of... fire... in... heart... seriously... pain...
Chef: <passing by> Oh, fudge. This looks serious. We'd better get you to a hospital.
Kyle: Oh, he's always having chest pains like that. Ignore him.
Chef: What! This happened before? Cartman, how long has this been going on?
Cartman: Agony... intense agony... administer Cheesy Poofs... doctor... <passes out>
<The paramedic clowns, last seen in "Conjoined Fetus Lady", carry him off>
<Hell's Pass Hospital>
Doctor: Well, it's only a mild heart attack .
Mrs. C: Oh, that's good news.
Doctor: Not in an eight-year-old, sir, I mean, maam.
Mrs. C: Oh...
Doctor: I'd like to ask, if I may, about his diet?
Mrs. C: Well, last night, I made Beefy Balls, and Wingy Things, and Chicken-Fried Cheese...
Doctor: Oh, dear...
Mrs. C: And then for lunch...
Doctor: Have you ever considered a salad? <Mrs. C stares blankly> You, know, vegetables? <Mrs. C continues to stare> Here, read this pamphlet.
< He hands her a booklet. It looks like a "For Dummies" book. The title is "Nutrition for Fatasses">
<Mr. Mackey's office>
Mr. M: Now, it's obvious to me that Eric has a serious eating disorder, mkay? If this continues he'll die. Dyin's bad.
Mrs. C: I think it's because I've had to be both mother and father to him.
Cartman: Literally. Heh heh.
Mr M: Quiet! Mkay? Now I think your problem is that you have no friends.
Cartman: I do so have friends!
Mr. M. Friends who actually like you?
Cartman: Well...
Mr. M: You're substituting food for love, mkaay? Substituting food for love is bad. Now, you have deep-seated psychological problems. You're one seriously screwed up tub of lard, mkay? Dieting's not going to work, mkay?
Mrs. C: So, what do we do?
Mr M: I know a guy who works real miracles with behavior modification therapy. Now, officially, I can't recommend him, mkay? His procedures are rather unorthodox. They've been banned in every state. There are a number of warrants out for his arrest. There are rumors that he walks the streets at night to eat the flesh of the living. Wait, no, that's Callista Flockhart. Mkay. Anyway, here's his card.
<Hands them a card. It says "Dr. Burgess, Mad Scientist." "Mad" has been crossed out>
<Mr. Garrisson's class>
Kyle: <Reciting before the class> And so, this proves that Kyle Rayner was the greatest Green Lantern ever.
Garrisson: Very nice, Kyle. You get an F-minus.
Kyle: WHAT!??
Garrisson: Every idiot knows that Hal Jordan was the best Green Lantern.
Mr. Hat: Yeah, what planet are you from?
<Kyle mumbles angrily as he takes his seat>
Sheila: Has anyone seen my fat little fuzzy wumpkin today?
Stan: No. And don't call him that! It's just... wrong!
Kenny: (He's dead)
Stan: You WOULD think that, wouldn't you.
Kyle: Actually, I heard he's going to some new diet doctor.
Stan: Figures. We're stuck here with Harvey Fierstein
Garrisson: Where? I...I mean, I heard that!
Stan: And he's at some fancy spa.
<Deep, dank dungeon. Cartman strapped into a dentist's chair>
Dr. Burgess <a gaunt man with wild hair> Welcome, Eric, to your nightmare! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
<scene goes blurry. Dissolve to Cartman waking up>
Cartman: Whoah, what a nightmare.
<We see that he is in the same dungeon with Dr. Burgess. >
Dr. Burgess: As I was saying... Welcome to your nightmare! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Cartman: Aw, weak! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------- To be continued! JB "You know, there are many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane... It is up to people like you and me who are out of our tiny little minds to try and help these people overcome their sanity.'"- Rev. Arthur Belling