"South Park: The Weenie Wars, Part I" by Xebot, 7/2/99 [email]
[SCENE: THE BOYS ARE STANDING OUTSIDE.]
KYLE: Hey, Stan, what are you gonna do over the Fouth of July weekend?
STAN: My parents bought a huge box of fire-crackers. I can't wait. What are you gonna do, Kenny?
KENNY: Mrrrrrrrrjph.
STAN: Don't worry, you and Kyle can help me set them off.
CARTMAN: [PAUSES. LOOKS AT STAN AND KYLE.] It's too bad that I'm busy this weekend, or I'd invite Kenny to join me -- because I feel sorry that nobody likes him or wants to invite him anywhere ...
[PAUSES.]
Wanna know what I'm doing for the Fourth?
KYLE: OK, Cartman, what are doing?
CARTMAN: My mom got me tickets to ride on the space shuttle so I can see the fireworks from space.
STAN: You're a lieing piece of #$@(*&!, Cartman.
KYLE: No, Stan, he's the whole enchilada.
CARTMAN: You're just jealous 'cause I didn't invite you guys along!
STAN: That's because your mom is saving the cargo hold for the Denver Broncos' mascot!
KYLE: Yeah, Cartman's mom is the only woman with an ATM in her bedroom!
KENNY: Umaammmaaaaa Tttthhhrrrrrrrmmmmmmmm!
KYLE: You're right, Kenny, Uma Thurman had one first.
CARTMAN: Hey, I'm hungry. Let's go down to Slaughterhouse 5 and get some Weenie Dogs!
STAN: I'm tired of Weenie Dogs, and I'm not hungry, anyway.
KYLE: Yeah, neither am I. See you later Cartman.
[SCENE: CARTMAN WALKS UP TO A STREET FOOD VENDOR. IT'S A SMALL FOOD CART JUST LARGE ENOUGH TO FRY CORN DOGS. IT HAS A SIGN THAT SAYS "SLAUGHTERHOUSE 5". THE VENDOR IS CHEF.]
CARTMAN: CHEF? What are YOU doin' here?
CHEF: Well, I can use the extra money. Too many of South Park's husbands are starting to audit their wive's bank accounts.
CARTMAN: So how's business?
CHEF: I just told you ... oh! You mean with the push-cart? Things couldn't better! I'm thinking of giving-up women altogether ... except as a hobby; it's so embarassing to explain to a husband why his wife listed me on a form 1099.
[STAN, KYLE, AND KENNY ENTER. THEY'RE EACH EATING CORN DOGS.]
CHEF: Hi, children! Would you like to buy some Weenie Dogs?
STAN: Thanks, Chef, but we found a better place.
KYLE: Yeah, no offence, Chef, but Slaughterhouse 5 weenies suck.
CHEF: Where did you get THOSE corn dogs?
STAN: We got them at the "K-9 Wok".
CARTMAN: They smell sweeeeeeeeeeet! Can I have one?
KYLE: No!!!
CARTMAN: Good! 'Cause they smell like Snoop Doggy-Poop!
CHEF: They DO smell good, boys; but how could you leave me, as it were, with my dogs flappin' in the wind?
KYLE: Sorry, Chef, we just like K-9's weenies better.
CHEF: I wish I could say that I've never heard that before ... but at least this time it's not from Uma Thurman.
[STAN, KYLE, AND KENNY LEAVE. CHEF AND CARTMAN ARE ALONE.]
CARTMAN: This WILL NOT STAND! I'm drawing a line in the mustard!
CHEF: You mean you're going to help me save my business?
CARTMAN: Me? You mean that you actually WANT my help?!
CHEF: Oh ... you're talking about the push-cart, again, aren't you? Yeah, I guess you couldn't hurt.
[SCENE: CARTMAN IS DRIVING A BULLDOZER. HE DRIVES TOWARD A PUSH-CART THAT HAS A SIGN ON IT WHICH READS "K-9 WOK". STAN, KYLE, AND KENNY ARE STANDING AROUND THE PUSH-CART. AS CARTMAN BULLDOZES THE PUSH-CART, KENNY JUMPS OUT OF THE WAY.]
STAN: Cartman, you asshole! You just destroyed the K-9 Wok!
[CHEF APPEARS FROM THE BACK OF THE BULLDOZER.]
KYLE: CHEF?!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING SIDING WITH CARTMAN?!!!
CHEF: Hey, it was either fight, or back to Chippendale's for ME!
STAN: [ANGRY] I don't care! We'll CRUSH YOU BOTH!
CARTMAN: [TO THE CAMERA, STOIC] ... and thus began the Weenie Wars ...