I need a friend

I need a friend for this news group to help me find out what things work

In article , "[email]" wrote:

Hey dude, if you need help, just ask. You'll get LOTS of folks giving you advice.

In article , [email] (Dain of the Iron Hills) wrote:

And if you want stupid jokes, just come to me.

"They should legalize pot. I'm tired of cooking my soup in pans."

I want some, OTs are welcome!

Ram

In article , "Ram" wrote:

Why is Saddam Hussein like Little Miss Muffet? They both have Kurds in their whey.

What do you call a dog with no legs and metal balls? Sparky.

A strawberry walks into a bar and says, "Do you serve food here?"

In article , [email] (Martin Hazelbower) wrote:

OK Martin this means war <g>

A duck waddles into a pet store, hops up on the counter and asks the clerk, "Do you have any duck food?" The clerk checks the store room, and tells the duck, "Sorry, we've got dog food, cat food, fish food, horse food and even monkey food, but no duck food." The duck leaves. The next day the duck waddles back in to the store, hops up on the counter and asks the clerk, "Do you have any duck food?". The clerk tells him, "You were here yesterday, and we still don't have any duck food.". The duck leaves. The third day the duck comes back, hops up on the counter and asks the clerk, "Do you have any duck food?". The clerk gets a bit irrate and says, "Look, you've been here three times. WE DON'T HAVE ANY DUCK FOOD! If you come back again I'm going to nail your feet to the counter!". The duck leaves. The fourth day the duck waddles back into the store, hops up on the counter and asks, "Do you have any nails?". The clerk looks a little puzzled and says, "No we don't have any nails, this is a pet store.". The duck says, "Good. Do you have any duck food?".

lol, your original joke? BTW, is it a troll? (I'm still unclear the bounds between trolls and OTs)

In article , "Ram" wrote:

No, I can't take credit for that one. And no, it's not a troll (a troll would be someone posting a message which is offensive/abusive, the sole intent of which would be to anger or upset folks), but it is WAY OT.

A frog named Kermit Jagger walks into a bank to get a loan. As he waits at the desk of the woman who is helping him, he notices her name is Patricia Whack. She asks the frog what he has for collateral, and he hands her a small porcelain elephant. The loan officer asks if he has anything else, and the frog just shakes his head. The loan officer goes into her manager's office with the little porcelain elephant and tells her manager the situation. The manager says: "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan -- his old man's a rolling stone." ...

--Meg (who has never been accused of giving people bellyaches from her jokes...)

-=0=- "Anything awful makes me laugh. I misbehaved once at a funeral." -- Charles Lamb

Remove BAH from email to reply (anti-spam).

[email] 10124521 on ICQ BahFriggin on AOL's Instant Messenger

Dain of the Iron Hills wrote in message ...

Why does the Iraq navi have glass-bottomed boats? So they can see the Iraq air force.

A basketball player is in a hotel room with a bimbo, posing for her. He takes off his shirt, and there's "Reebok" tattooed on his arm. "What's that?" she asks. "It's for an advertising deal. If the camera sees it, I get a million dollars." "Oh." So he poses some more. He takes off his pants, and he's got "Nike" tattooed on his shin. "What's that?" she asks. "Another advertising deal. If the camera sees it, I get two million dollars." "Oh." He poses some more, then takes off his underwear. He's got "Aids" tattooed on his dong. "I'm not making love to anyone with AIDS," says the bimbo. "Not to worry, baby. In a few minutes, it'll say 'Adidas'."

LOL~~! I LOVE THIS ONE. salacious jokes are always the funniest one.

dollars."

dollars."

In article , [email] (Dain of the Iron Hills) wrote:

A guy walks into a paint store with a green parakeet on his shoulder, and says, "I'd like a can of canary yellow paint for Tweety here." "You gonna paint that parakeet?" asks the guy behind the counter. "Yeah." "You can't! It'll kill him!" "Bet you ten bucks it won't!" "You got a deal." The man buys his paint and leaves. He comes back the next door with no parakeet. "So," says the clerk, "painting the poor little bastard killed him, huh?" "He didn't even survive the sanding down."

How's that for a new sig Martin!! (He's done it again guys!!!!!!)

Martin Hazelbower wrote in message ...

parakeet.

In article , [email] (Martin Hazelbower) writes:

One day, a scientist clones himself. The clone is absolutely identical, except that the he has a mouth dirtier than Kenny's. Everything he says is "Fuck this, fuck that, eat shit, suck my dick..." you get the idea. Anyway, the scientist finally gets so fed up that he pushes the clone out the window. The police show up and arrest him. The scientist says "Hey, you can't arrest me! A clone is not legelly alive, therefore you can't arrest me for murder!" The cop says "Oh, that's not the charge." "Then what could it be?" sputters the scientist. The cop replies "It's a section 387B. You're under arrest for making an obscene clone fall." <dodges all rotten tomatoes>

JB "You know, there are many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane... It is up to people like you and me who are out of our tiny little minds to try and help these people overcome their sanity.'"- Rev. Arthur Belling

KrytenToo wrote in message ...

dog

counter

any

to

Now I want to get into the old bad jokes.

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party ?"

"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

Cronos

In article , "Cronos" <info.at.willall.com.au> wrote:

Two marine biologists were doing research into the possiblity of immortallity. After a couple of years of research, they finally decided to use a group of porpoises as their test subjects, and several years later found that if they modified the porpoises' diet to include the ground up feathers of a rare variety of Minah bird, the aging process slowed dramatically. However, the supply of feathers was quickly used up, and the marine biologists could aquire any more from their original supplier, so they packed up and went to the African savannah in search of the rare and elusive bird. Several months after the marine biologists arrived, they finally found a flock of the Minah birds nesting in a lone tree on the savannah. Unfortunately, a pride of lions had also taken to resting in the shade of this lone tree and were not about to go anywhere. The marine biologists got impatient, so they killed a gazelle and fed it to the lions. Once the lions had eaten their fill, the marine biologists creeped over to the tree, grabbed the birds and made their way back to their jeep. They were promptly arrested. The charge:

Carrying minahs over sated lions for immortal porpoises.

<Dain quickly runs for cover to the nearest bomb shelter to avoid all the flying tomatoes, rocks and other debris which will sure be flung for such a bad pun>

In article , [email] (Dain of the Iron Hills) wrote:

SHIT! I was gonna tell that one! Now I must use my backup material.

When Mahatma Gandhi died, he had been on a long pilgramage. He had walked so long on his bare feet that they were covered with blisters and bunions; he had gone so long without food that he was withered and weak; and he hadn't brushed his teeth in months, giving him incredible bad breath. In short, he was a super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a frame nailed to your wall? Art.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the water? Bob.

What do you call a man with with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt.

What do you call a one-legged woman propped up against the wall? Eileen.

What do you call a one-legged Japanese woman propped up against the wall? Irene.

Ahem. I wasn't going to do this. I really didn't want it to come to this. Martin, Dain, I just want you each to know that you've brought this on yourselves. And, with that, I give you: THE WORST JOKE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!

Q:What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A:Quarter Pounder with Cheese

Jeff

Jeff Plas wrote:

OH. MAH. GAWD.

Just when I thought I heard all the worse jokes from this thread, this one had to take the cake! It only consisted of 2 lines, but man oh man, sometimes simplicity is the key! Totally gross joke!!!!! :D

-Toni

In article , "Jeff Plas" wrote:

Here's the most vicious jokes in the world.

(James Hetfield is the singer for Metallica, btw. Everyone hates him 'cuz he sold out.)

Two guys decide to hold a seance, and talk to the spirits of the dead. "Who should we talk to?" asks the first. "How about James Hetfield?" says the second. "Dude, he's not dead." "Then let's talk to his integrity."

What do you do if you're sitting in a room with James Hetfield, Saddam Hussein and Hitler, and your gun only has two bullets in it? Shoot James twice.

What's the difference between Wayne Gretzky and Courtney Love? Wayne takes a shower after three periods.

Martin Hazelbower wrote:

<Ned Gerblansky voice>

Mmmmmmmmmmmthat's nasty!

</Ned Gerblansky voice>

-Toni

In article ,

Wendy: Ewwwwwwwwwwwww!

James

In article , [email] wrote:

Kyle: What the hell are you talking about?

Kenny: Mmmph-mmm-hmmmph-mmmm,

Stan: Dude, that's sick!

In article ,

Kenny: Mmmph-mmm-hmmmph-mmmm-mmm-hmm-phmmm-mmmp-mumu-muummm-hmhmmm-mmummm-mmhm-mm hmhmh-hmuhmu-mmumu-mumu,

Cartman: Well, Screw you guys I'm going home!!

James

In article , "Jeff Plas" wrote:

ROFLMAO!!!!!!! I always wondered what the "deadly joke" from Monty Python was and I think you just told us!

Dain of the Iron Hills wrote in message ...

...

,

in

duck

nails,

and

huh?"

Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper.

"We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'se gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper.

"You blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy."Your cute," she says, "and I'd like to screw you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.

"Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?" "Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now."

<Ducks>

Cronos

HaHaHaHa~~~

"[email]" wrote:

here's a quicktip, always agree with me.

As the last cliffhanging episode of alt.tv.southpark came to an end, Craig Winckler wrote:

He wants _friends_ in here, not flames :-) It's a joke... Craig, no.. really, I was just kidding... really, don't... No Don't! arggggggggghhhhHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

BitchMom WebMistress of Billzhouse.com Founder of #alt.tv.southpark ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ For all your SouthPark needs visit http://www.billzhouse.com ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Visit #alt.tv.southpark on Dalnet Point your java enabled browser to: http://www.members.tripod.com/TheSilverRaven/sp_chat.htm Or connect with mIRC or pIRCh, choose IRC Network Dalnet When you get connected, type in /join #alt.tv.southpark *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* remove MY to email me

BitchMom wrote:

Oh my god I killed BitchMom!

In article , Craig Winckler wrote:

YOU BASTARD! (hey, someone had to say it <g>)

As the last cliffhanging episode of alt.tv.southpark came to an end, Craig Winckler wrote:

Yea well, from the way things have been going around here, I'll just turn up alive in about 3 days anyway :-)

BitchMom WebMistress of Billzhouse.com Founder of #alt.tv.southpark ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ For all your SouthPark needs visit http://www.billzhouse.com ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Visit #alt.tv.southpark on Dalnet Point your java enabled browser to: http://www.members.tripod.com/TheSilverRaven/sp_chat.htm Or connect with mIRC or pIRCh, choose IRC Network Dalnet When you get connected, type in /join #alt.tv.southpark *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* remove MY to email me

So deliciously cutting-edge!
BM (I feel more comfortable calling you BM), I admire your twisted sense
of humor.
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                        [email]
          (Hammer nail here--> <-- for a new monitor.)
Seinfeld FAQ http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Set/7217/faq.html
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As the last cliffhanging episode of alt.tv.southpark came to an end, Dave wrote:

Aww, gee thanks. It's natural though not inherited. My parents have no sense of humor, nor does my oldest child. My 7 yr. old daughter on the other hand is well on her way to understanding almost all of my jokes, and that is scary as hell!

BitchMom WebMistress of Billzhouse.com Founder of #alt.tv.southpark ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ For all your SouthPark needs visit http://www.billzhouse.com ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Visit #alt.tv.southpark on Dalnet Point your java enabled browser to: http://www.members.tripod.com/TheSilverRaven/sp_chat.htm Or connect with mIRC or pIRCh, choose IRC Network Dalnet When you get connected, type in /join #alt.tv.southpark *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* remove MY to email me

What kind of things?