Things happen kind of fast in this story but I'm kind of busy. This is the first and only place I have posted this. If you want to stick it on a Web Page please remove NOSPAMS from my email address and ask for my permission. Otherwise just read it and enjoy. I think with another 10 minutes of scenes it would make a decent episode.
______________________________________________________________ Apocalypse by Wayne Stewart (c) Copyright 1998 Wayne Stewart
The characters and locations of the show "South Park" are all copyrighted by their respective owners and creators. This work uses those characters and locations with respect to their copyright owners. This work was not done for profit or sale to anyone other than those who hold the rights to purchase such works. This work itself is (c) Copyright 1998 Wayne Stewart in text and content alone.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- [We start with an eery looking montage of South Park. The skies are dark with a red glow on the horizon. As we scan around the town there doesn't seem to be anyone around. However, we hear the voice of Eric Cartman speaking in naration like Martin Sheen over Apocalypse Now.]
Cartman: (Voice Over - really dramatic) It was a day like any mid summer day. The world was awash with fire and death. It was a beautiful thing. For some reason I had yet to figure out...God was trying to kill me. Perhaps he was just jealous of my killer bod.
Kyle: (confused - breaking the vision) What in the hell are you talking about, Cartman?
[We now see we are at the bus stop with the four loveable scamps waiting for school.]
Cartman: (embarassed that he was speaking aloud) Uh, nothing. Nevermind. I was just saying...
Stan: You really need to lay off the Snacky Cakes.
Kyle: For real, dude. It's not even summer yet. By the way, when is summer?
Kenny: (muffled so we can't understand him...duh!) It never turns summer in South Park.
Kyle: Why is that?
Kenny: (mumbling) Because then I wouldn't need this hood and you'd be able to understand me.
[The kids all look into the camera for a second]
Stan: Totally wise, dude.
Cartman: (as if just now breaking from his daze) Did someone say they had Snacky Cakes?
Kyle: It's only just now turned fall. I think it's the fall solstice.
Cartman (kind of mad as usual): Hey! What in the hell are you talking about? I wanna talk about Snacky Cakes.
Stan: (to Kyle) Isn't that one of those witch's holidays, Kyle?
Cartman (almost to himself): No it's a delightful chocolate snack cake filled with luscious cream.
Stan: I mean the fall solstice you fat ass!
Kyle: I don't know anything about witches, dude. Why are you asking me?
Cartman: Cause you're a Jew and Jews practice dark magic!
Kyle: What in the hell are you talking about, Cartman? Jews believe in God.
Kenny: (mumbling) Witches celebrate the death of world at the fall solstice.
Stan: Scary, dude.
Cartman: (daydreaming again) So did someone say they had a Snacky Cake or not?
[Before anyone can answer the school bus pulls up. The usual bus driver is not behind the wheel. Instead there is a large beastly fellow who looks a lot like a wildebeest. When the door opens and the boys see him their eyes immediately light up with fear. Little flies buzz around him.]
Cartman: (kind of scared and quietly to the others) Umm does anyone notice there is a moose driving our school bus?
Stan: Should we get on?
Kenny: (mumbling) It's the right bus number.
[The driver turns his big head to face the children and they all jump back a step.]
Beelzebus Driver: (in clear & deep voice like Michael Dorn) Get on the bus.
[The boys jump a bit at this. They really hadn't expected the moose to talk. Kyle bravely steps forward.]
Kyle: (to bus driver) Umm. So what happened to our normal bus driver?
Beelzebus Driver: (with intense red glowing eyes) She died.
[The kids look at each other and then smile.]
Cartman: (happy then respectful) Sweet. That bitch really pissed me off. May she rest in peace.
[The kids get on the bus and the door closes. There is a chorus of angelic voices and the bus number changes from whatever their original number was to 666. The bus then pulls off. As it does we hear some conversation from the boys as the bus leaves the screen.]
Stan: (in a wondering voice) Where are all the other kids? Dude, this bus is usually full when we get on it.
Cartman: (as if clueing the group in) Don't look down. I think there is blood on the floor.
Kyle: Not as much as on the walls.
Kenny: (mumbling) Hey! There's a body in my seat. I'm NOT sitting there.
Cartman: This place smells like crap. Stop the bus. Someone farted!
[The REAL school bus pulls up and the bitchy bus driver opens the door.]
Mrs. Crabtree: Where in the hell is that fat boy and his gay friends?
[She closes the door and the bus pulls away.]
[We cut back to the other bus. It is no longer on the road but rather bumping up and down on a path through the woods. For the most part the forest looks a bit dark and dreary. The boys are being bounced all over the inside of the bus. As the bus lurches through the trees they scream in unison.]
Cartman: (sounding a little sick) Is it just me or is the world stuck in slow motion?
Kyle: God dammit, Cartman, you fat ass! Nothing is stuck in slow motion except your brain!
Cartman: I don't think we're on the road anymore. This can't be good on the tires.
Stan: Your fat ass can't be good on the tires, either.
Cartman: Hey! I don't know why you guys are yelling at me! I think we should be trying to get along. I don't want to be a baby or anything but this is kinda scary.
Kenny: (mumbling) Now you know how I feel, fat ass.
Cartman: (miffed) Okay! That's it! I'm not going stand idly by while a bitch's son and the owner of a gay dog try to piss me off! If that's what you want then that's what you're gonna get! Beefcake!
Stan: At least you have your fat ass to land on.
[The bus suddenly comes to a halt and the driver opens the door as the boys flip forward and off the bus. They find themselves at the steps of a large dark church-like building. We hear a ripping organ chord and the boys look up at the building in horror. Lightning strikes the steeple. A wolf howls. An owl hoots. A female screams. Cartman farts.]
Stan: Sick, dude.
Cartman: (worried) I am under a lot of pressure here.
Kyle: So are your shoes.
Cartman: Hey! I am gonna get busy on you! And when I get back to school I am gonna report that new bus driver to the principal.
Kyle: This isn't school.
Cartman: (smartass-like) I said when I get back to school you stupid jew! I know this isn't our school.
Stan: Yeah, where are we, dude? I don't think we're in South Park anymore.
Kenny: (mumbling) This looks like East Park. I've heard bad things about this place. I wanna stand behind you guys.
Cartman: (as Kenny moves behind him) Grow up, Kenny. I think we'll be okay. We'll just go inside and use the phone. Knock on the door, Stan.
Stan: (surprised) Me? Why me you dildo?
Cartman: (taking a step back) Your closest...that's all.
Stan: (mumbling under his breath) Stupid ass munch.
[Stan rings the bell. It sounds ominous. The door opens and a musical chord sounds as Beelzebus Driver is on the other side. The kids scream all at once.]
Cartman: (after everyone stops screaming) God damn it, son of a bitch. Now I have to use the bathroom.
[The other kids step away from him]
Cartman: Hey! Just....Hey!
Beelzebus Driver: Come in.
[The boys slowly enter the gothic building. The door slams shut.]
[Next we see the boys in a large lavish bathroom. They seem to be arguing about something. Cartman is in a stall making rude noises.]
Stan: I rang the door bell. You have to ask if we can use the phone.
Kyle: No way! That moose is very scary.
[The door opens quickly and Beelzebus Driver is standing there. Kenny, Kyle and Stan jump a bit.]
Beelzebus Driver: (ominous voice trying to sound helpful) How's it going in here? Do you need anything?
Kyle: Uh...no thanks.
Beelzebus Driver: okay.
[The creature closes the door. Stan looks at Kyle. His face is red with anger.]
Stan: God damn it, Kyle! You were suppose to ask about the phone!
Kyle: (embarrassed) I panicked.
Cartman: (coming out of the stall sounding superior) Oh you weak children. Let's go. I'll ask the moose if we can use his phone and then we are leaving.
[The kids open the bathroom door and standing next to the moose is a thin man with no hair. The man is wearing a robe. He is as large as Beelzebus Driver and looks just as scary. The kids all scream. A hard chord of music hits as we see the robed man...who is apparently named Corjole.]
Corjole: (deep voice) Good morning, children. Welcome to Eternity!
[There is another hard chord of music and the view zooms in and out on Corjole]
Beelzebus Driver: Corjole, I have brought the mumbler.
[There is a hard chord of music as the view zooms in and out on Stan who is quite surprised. Everyone is looking at him.]
Stan: Not me, dude. Him <pointng to Kenny>.
[There is another hard chord and this time the zooming in and out is on Kenny.]
Kenny: (mumbling) Yikes!
Corjole: Yes. At last. Today the feast of a million souls shall begin.
Cartman: Did you say feast?
Beelzubus Driver: The mumbler shall call forth the ancient Sprag onto the world and all will bow to its presence.
Cartman: Hey! I want to hear about the feast. (Calm) Will there be Cheezy Poofs?
Corjole: No. The day of Cheezy Poofs has come to pass. We shall start the ceremony of the Summoning and the Day of the Apocalyspe will be upon us.
[There is a hard chord of music and a closeup of Corjole as if we are getting ready to break for a commercial. We do not break. Kyle interrupts.]
Kyle: I thought you said it was the Feast of a Million Souls.
Corjole: Same difference.
<commercial>
[There is a great deal of rythmic humming. The boys are being led to a large room with an almost equally large hole in the floor. There is a diving board sticking out across the hole. Around the hole are men in hooded robes. They are the ones humming. It is actually more like they are saying "mumbler! mumbler!" over and over but they are mumbling and it is hard to tell.]
Stan: (To Corjole) Really, Dude. We only came to use your phone.
Cartman: Yeah, this damn moose drove us here. We should be in school right now. I think people are gonna be looking for us.
[We cut to a view of the boys' classroom. Everyone is just staring at each other. No one says anything for a few seconds.]
Mr. Garrison: Why is it so quiet in here, today?
[We cut back. The boys stop at the edge of the giant hole. Kenny has actually gone out onto the diving board so he can get a better view of the darkness below.]
Corjole: No one will be looking for you boys again...ever! (Hard chord of music)
Kenny: (mumbling) Damn! That's a bigger hole than Cartman's mom.
Cartman: Hey!
Stan: No, his mom's a hermopherlite.
Cartman: Hey! My mom's religion is nobody's business!
Kenny: (mumbling) I wonder what's down there?
[There is a slight rumble down in the bottom of the hole.]
Corjole: Yes. That's it. Let the mumbler speak. Call out oh great one.
Kenny: (mumbling-looking back at Corjole) Great one? Ah shucks. Good maybe. You really do flatter me.
[The ground really rumbles now. Something is moving around in the hole. Everyone looks at Kenny. His eyes are wide and he is looking down the hole as well.]
Kyle: Shut up, Kenny.
Kenny: (mumbling) Yeah that sounds like a good idea.
[Incredible shock waves come up from the hole. The diving board vibrates and Kenny is picthed off. He grabs it with one hand before falling into the hole.]
Kenny (mumbling) Shew!
Cartman: Kenny! I'll save you!
[Cartman runs out onto the diving board. It bends and then whips Kenny up towards the ceiling. Everyone watches as he hits the ceiling hard and then falls back down into the darkness.]
Stan: Oh my god! They killed Kenny!
Cartman: I was only trying to help him!
Kyle: No wait look!
[We hear a "bounce" and Kenny comes screaming back from the darkness. His screaming however is causing terrible earth quakes as something below works its way up. Kenny lands on the ledge and starts to run around towards the other boys. The hooded men take out long pointy spears and begin throwing them towards Kenny.]
Kyle: Go, Kenny, go!
Cartman: (ashamedly) I was really just trying to help him. See he's okay.
[A spear hits Kenny's hood and pins him to the wall.]
Stan: Oh my god! They killed...
Kyle: No look!
[Another spear dislodges the first spear and Kenny lands on his feet and starts running again.]
Corjole: Stop the mumbler! He must be sacrificed to the ancient Sprag!
Beelzebus Driver: He's mine!
[The giant horned beast bends over and nails Kenny to the wall as he tries to get by.]
Stan: Oh my God!
Kyle: Wait!
[Beelzebus Driver backs away and Kenny hits the floor vruised but still making tracks to get away from the hole. The other hooded men think this is a good idea as well.]
Stan: <bleep>ck it! I'll kill him myself.
Corjole: Here cometh the Sprag!
Cartman: That does not sound like...
[Before cartman can finish a HUGE purple colored worm with big eyes and bigger fangs pops out of the hole. It immediately eats Corjole. The hooded men start running left and right.]
Cartman: Finally, things are going our way.
Beelzebus Driver: Later!
[He runs away very fast. Everyone else runs for the hall to try to escape this collosal beast.]
Cartman: (sounding like a woman) Women and children first! Women and children first!
[The group (including Kenny) are running behind everyone else because they can't get around the hooded men.]
Cartman: (to Kenny) Hey! He wants to eat you. Why make everyone else suffer.
Kenny: (mumbling) Screw you Fat Boy! I'm outa here.
[Kenny trips after having said this. The others carry on and then stop and look back. The beast sees the mumbler on the floor and crushes him with his head. He then flattens him into a pancake and swallows the mess.]
Kyle: Stan! Did you see that?
Stan: (Uninterested) Yeah, I saw it.
[The group turns and runs.]
Cartman: Son of a bitch that thing is big! It killed Kenny.
Kyle: (shrugs his shoulders) You bastard!
Stan: (commenting on the dialog) That sucked.
[The boys come to the main door. Hooded men have arrived there first and are blocking their way. The hooded men have sharp spears. Cartman, however, decides that stopping now would be a rather bad idea.]
Cartman: (in full sprint) Coming through!
[He hits the men and breaks the doors down and keeps going outside. We hear him yell from outside.]
Cartman: Sorry!
[Kyle and Stan quickly follow him out into the daylight. The hooded men start to get up. They are dazed. The Sprag comes down upon them and swallows them. It then busts through the wall as it is not large enough to fit through the opening left by Cartman. It lunges after the fat boy totally ignoring Stan and Kyle who look at each other and smile and then chase after it.]
Cartman: God damn it! Hey! Monster! Stop chasing me!
[The giant worm beast slinks down the road after Cartman. Cartman decides to pray while he is running. In hind site this does not turn out to be such a good idea.]
Cartman: God, please help me. I am an innocent young child who has never done anyone any wrong. Could yu please find it in your greatness to smite this beast that chaseth me? I promise I will try to get to church a little more often.
[There is no reply]
Cartman: Hey! Son of a bitch! Come on, God! Throw me a bone! I promise I'll be good. If I'm lying I'm dying!
[Suddenly the clouds become dark. Cartman stops running and the Sprag stops just behind him. They are both looking up at the sky.]
Cartman: (to the Sprag) Okay you stupid monster! Get ready to feel my wrath!
[There is thunder and then lightning shoots down from the sky. It lands just a few feet away from Cartman, which is coincidentally, rather far from the Sprag.]
Cartman: (towards the sky) Hey! God, are you blind? He's over there!
[Stan and Kyle come upon the scene. More lightning strikes near cartman. In fact he has to dive to avoid it. He gets up and starts running. Now the Sprag is chasing him and lightning is striking rather close.]
Cartman: This isn't funny!
Stan: Kyle.
Kyle: Yes, Stan.
Stan: This is about the coolest thing I've ever seen.
Kyle: Me, too.
[They follow the managerie unfolding before them.]
[We cut to Jimbo and Ned who are putting some seriously wounded fish into their humvee. They also put away the shotguns they used to catch them. They seem to be at a wide stream in the middle of a thick forest.]
Jimbo: Now that was some mighty fine fishing.
Ned: You said it, Jimbo.
Jimbo: We should come to East Park a little more often. Their streams are over stocked with trout.
Ned: Like shooting fish in a barrel.
[They both hear lightning in the distance.]
Jimbo: Well, we have enough here. Sounds like it's getting ready to rain.
Ned: (looking up) Not a cloud in the sky.
Jimbo: (looks up) Hmm. You may be right. Someone else must be fishing down stream.
[We cut back to the boys. The Sprag is still after Cartman. Kyle and Stan are following behind shouting words of encouragement. Lightning is still striking from the heavens from the comment Cartman made about being struck by lightning.]
Cartman: I don't find this one bit funny!
Kyle: Run faster, Cartman!
[The Sprag dives for Cartman and misses.]
Stan: Move those legs, Fat Ass!
Kyle: (To Stan) If that thing eats Cartman then it probably won't be able to eat anything else.
Stan: Hey. You're right. (To Cartman) Slow down, Fat Ass! You can save the world!
Cartman: God damn it! Stop chasing me!
[The Sprag lunges forward and gets Cartman in its jaws.]
Cartman: I'm going down! Someone please feed my cat!
[The Sprag swallows Cartman whole.]
Stan: Oh my god! They killed Cartman!
Kyle: That was cool!
[The Sprag turns towards the last two boys and smiles.]
Stan: Um, I think we have a problem.
Kyle: SPRAAAAAAGGGG!!!
[The two boys run away being chased by the Sprag.]
[Jimbo and Ned are driving in Jimbo's humvee. They seem to be singing "The Age of Aquarius" from the musical "Hair".]
Jimbo: When the moon is in the seventh house.
Ned: And Jupiter aligns with Mars.
[Stan and Kyle suddenly jump out onto the road in front of the vehicle.]
Jimbo: Holy <bleep>it!
[Jimbo swirves to miss the boys and slams on his breaks. Before he can get of the humvee the two boys are at the door.]
Stan: Uncle Jimbo we need a ride.
Jimbo: What in the hell are you two doing out here? You should be in school.
Kyle: No time to explain. We gotta get out of here!
Ned: Sounds suspicious to me.
Jimbo: Well, hop in.
[He lets the two kids into the car and slowly starts down the road.]
Stan: Uncle Jimbo, this would be the part where you floor it.
Jimbo: Huh?
[The Sprag lunges from the forest and onto the road behind the humvee.]
Jimbo & Ned: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
[The humvee suddenly peels rubber and takes off as the Sprag lunges for it. The Sprag misses and gives a dissapointed "shucks" sound.]
Jimbo: What in the hell was that?
Kyle: Its called a Sprag.
Jimbo: Now, you boys should have told me you were being chased by an ancient monster. Someone could have gotten hurt. Always let your partners know what's going on.
[The Sprag chases the humvee. Lightning is still striking behind it.]
Ned: It's coming after us.
Jimbo: Where is all that lightning coming from?
Stan: God's trying to kill Cartman for being an asshole.
Kyle: And the Sprag swallowed Cartman.
Ned: Oh the humanity of it all.
Jimbo: We can't let that thing follow us to South Park. Ned, Get out the guns. I'm going to see if we can lead it to the lake. Hang on.
Stan: I really don't think we ought to be shooting at it, Uncle Jimbo. It seems pretty mad already.
Jimbo: You boys just take a weapon and let me worry about the monster. I have a plan.
Kyle: (after getting a large rifle from Ned) Sweet. This gun is huge.
[The humvee goes off the road and onto a rocky road. Kyle turns around but the bouncing makes him fire the weapon up into the ceiling. There is a loud "Boom" and everyone screams.]
Jimbo: Damn it! Control that weapon, Mister!
Kyle: (he is covered in gun powder) What?! (he can't hear)
[The Sprag lunges up the path and almost snags the humvee. Everyone but Jimbo starts shooting.]
[We cut briefly to a serene setting with furry animals smiling and hopping around. We scan around and see a large lake. We continue to scan around until we see we are next to an over hang. Everything is peaceful for a second. Suddenly over the cliff comes the humvee. We hear everyone still yelling and weapons are being fired very rapidly in all directions. This passes out of our view. The sound dies away until there is a giant SPLASH! Then the Sprag comes flying over the cliff. We can almost hear it say "Uh oh!". It flies out of view and we hear another SPLASH!]
[We cut to the sinking humvee. Kyle, Stan and Ned are already bailing out of it and trying to swim for the closest shore.]
Jimbo: Damn it! We're taking on water!
[The Sprag has gone under and is swimming quite gracefully. It looks up and sees Jimbo's vehicle. It smiles and heads up with its mouth open wide.]
[The humvee goes under. Jimbo pops out of the water and starts heading towards shore after everyone else. The vehicle is suddenly lifted up out of the air as the soaking wet Sprag lunges up into the air. The vehicles is stuck in its mouth and as it lifts up into the air a bolt of lightning hits the humvee.]
Ned: (Witnessing from the shore) This can't be good.
[The weapons, bombs, grenades and ammo in the humvee suddenly explode. The Sprag is caught between being electrocuted and having its head blown off by the explosion. Either way, it dies.]
Stan & Kyle: (still dripping wet) That was cool!
Jimbo: (walking from the water) Yep. Remember, boys, you can never beat a really good plan.
Ned: That goes without saying.
[There is girgling from where the Sprag went under the lake surface. The gang turns and aims their weapons. Cartman comes to the surface, struggling for air.]
Jimbo: Say, Stan, isn't that your little fat friend.
Stan: Yeah. (He takes a shot) Oops.
Cartman: (As the bullet hits the water near him) Hey! Stop shooting at me!
[Lightning hits the water behind the swimming Cartman and launches him out of the lake. Everyone laughs as he runs away with lightning bolts hitting the trees above his head.]
Cartman: I'm sorry. Stop trying to kill me God!
Kyle: That's our fat ass...
<commercial>
[As the credits roll we see Cartman tired and bedraggled barely outrunning the lightning. He has made it into town and has come to the local access television station. He opens the back door and wonders onto the set of Jesus and Friends. The lights flicker as lightning hits the building.]
Cartman: (tired) Jesus. Would you please tell your dad to stop trying to kill me.
Jesus: (looking heavenward/said scoldingly) Father.
Ominous Voice: Oh, okay. But that fat kid just pisses me off.
Cartman: (Falling down) Thank you. I can die in peace now. (He lays still for a second and then suddenly sits up) Hey! I was in a giant worm's stomach! EEEEEEWWWWWWW!!!!!!! Yuck!
[The End] Wayne