"South Park: The Weenie Wars" by Xebot
PART I -- DOG WAR AFTERNOON
[SCENE: THE BOYS ARE STANDING OUTSIDE.]
KYLE: Hey Stan, what are you gonna do over the Fourth of July weekend?
STAN: The Fourth of July is about independance, so I'm going to drop a bunch of fireworks in the school toilets, and free Mr. Hankey.
CARTMAN: My mom got me tickets to ride on the space shuttle so I can see the fireworks from space.
STAN: You're a lieing piece of sh*t, Cartman.
CARTMAN: You're just jealous 'cause I didn't invite you assholes along!
STAN: That's because your mom is saving the cargo-hold for the Denver Broncos' mascot! Giddie-up, Ms. Cartman!
KYLE: Yeah, Cartman's mom is the only woman with an ATM in her bedroom!
CARTMAN: Hey, I'm hungry. Let's go down to Slaughterhouse 5 and get some Weenie Dogs!
STAN: I'm not hungry.
KYLE: Yeah, neither am I. See you later Cartman.
[SCENE: CARTMAN WALKS UP TO A STREET FOOD VENDOR. IT'S A SMALL FOOD PUSH-CART. SIGN READS "SLAUGHTERHOUSE 5". THE VENDOR IS CHEF.]
CARTMAN: Chef? What are YOU doin' here?
CHEF: Well, I can use the extra money. Too many of South Park's husbands are starting to audit their wive's bank accounts.
CARTMAN: So how's business?
CHEF: I just told you ... oh! You mean with the push-cart? Things couldn't better! I'm thinking of giving-up women altogether ... except as a hobby; it's so embarassing to explain to a husband why his wife listed me on a form 1099.
[STAN, KYLE, AND KENNY ENTER. THEY'RE EACH EATING CORN DOGS.]
CHEF: Hi, children! Would you like to buy some Weenie Dogs?
STAN: Thanks, Chef, but we found a better place.
KYLE: Yeah, no offence, Chef, but Slaughterhouse 5 weenies suck.
CHEF: Where did you get THOSE corn dogs?
STAN: We got them at the "K-9 Wok".
CARTMAN: HEY! I thought you guys said you weren't hungry!
STAN: Times change, dude.
CARTMAN: They smell sweeeeeeeeeeet! Can I have one?
STAN and KYLE: No!!!
CARTMAN: Good! 'Cause they smell like Snoop Doggy-Poop!
CHEF: They DO smell good, boys; but how could you leave me, as it were, with my dogs flappin' in the wind?
KYLE: Sorry, Chef, we just like K-9's weenies better.
CHEF: I wish I could say that I've never heard THAT before ... but at least this time it's not from Uma Thurman.
[STAN, KYLE, AND KENNY LEAVE. CHEF AND CARTMAN ARE ALONE.]
CARTMAN: This WILL NOT STAND! I'm drawing a line in the mustard! Don't worry, Chef, I'll save your business!
CHEF: Just to be clear ... you ARE talking about my "push cart" business, aren't you?! Yeah, I guess you couldn't hurt.
[SCENE: CARTMAN IS DRIVING A BULLDOZER. HE DRIVES TOWARD A PUSH-CART THAT HAS A SIGN ON IT WHICH READS "K-9 WOK". STAN, KYLE, AND KENNY ARE STANDING NEARBY. CARTMAN BULLDOZES THE PUSH-CART.]
STAN: Cartman, you asshole! You just destroyed the K-9 Wok!
[CHEF APPEARS FROM THE BACK OF THE BULLDOZER.]
KYLE: CHEF? What the hell are you doing siding with Cartman?!!!
CHEF: Hey, I have to think about my financial future. How much longer can I do the "Full Monty"?!
STAN: [ANGRY] This means war! We'll CRUSH YOU BOTH!
CARTMAN: Let the Weenie Wars begin ...
PART II -- BIG DOGS NEED BIG GUNS
[SCENE: STAN, KYLE, KENNY, JIMBO OUTSIDE.]
JIMBO: I heard about The Great South Park Weenie Wars, and figured I could help you with some military tactics and training. Roll her in, Ned!
[NED DRIVES-UP IN A TANK. A SIGN ON TOP READS "K-9 WOK II". A SIGN AT THE BOTTOM READS "WEENIE DOGS $1.25".]
STAN: Thanks, uncle Jimbo.
JIMBO: Of course, we'll have to change the name. "K-9 Wok" sounds a little "fruity" for an M1 Abrams Weenie-Dog Delivery Vehicle. How about this...
[JIMBO CLIMBS ON THE TANK, AND REPAINTS THE TOP SIGN.]
STAN: [READING THE SIGN.] "Dogs of War". COOL!
KYLE: Cry havoc, dude!
[SCENE: CARTMAN, CHEF AND CARTMAN'S POT-BELLIED PIG, FLUFFY, ARE AT THEIR PUSH-CART, "SLAUGHTERHOUSE 5". FLUFFY IS DRESSED IN COMBAT FATIGUES AND HELMET.]
[CARTMAN IS DRESSED LIKE JULIUS CAESAR, AND WEARING A WREATH.]
CHEF: I don't know if we should be going out today. Stan and Kyle were awfully pissed. Maybe we ought to just forget this war, thing.
CARTMAN: Cartman shall go forth!
CHEF: But I saw some bad omens last night.
CARTMAN: Danger knows full well that Cartman is more dangerous than he! ...And Cartman shall go forth!
[STAN, KYLE AND KENNY DRIVE UP IN THEIR TANK; THEY CRUSH THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE 5 PUSH CART. THEY GET OUT.]
KYLE: I told you, Cartman, don't f**k with us!
CHEF: That wasn't nice, children!
STAN: Sorry, Chef, but even with all of the stories Jimbo's told us about Vietnam, we STILL can't get used to the idea of losing. Maybe when we're older we'll understand that a nation's pride is less important than the lives of its people -- but for now, we demand your UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER!
CHEF: Say what?!
[CARTMAN PULLS A CONCH SHELL FROM UNDER HIS TOGA, AND BLOWS IT.]
[HUNDREDS OF MAD COWS, WEARING ROMAN UNIFORMS, STAMPEDE. STAN AND KYLE CLIMB ONTO THE TANK. KENNY GETS CRUUUUSHED.]
CARTMAN: Havest not a cow, Sir Kenny!
STAN: Cartman killed kenny!
KYLE: You Roman bastard!!!
STAN: Then take this, fat-ass!
[STAN OPENS A PORTAL OF THE TANK. THE AROMA OF WEENIE DOGS ESCAPES. FLUFFY SNIFFS THE AIR, AND THEN JUMPS UP TO STAN AND KYLE.]
CARTMAN: Fluffy, you're one f**ked-up bitch!
CHEF: [PLEADING, BUT FIRM] See what you kids -- and I mean ALL of you -- have done? You've turned this into some kind of war!
KYLE: You guys started it.
STAN: Face it, Chef, we won! The "Dogs of War" rule the weenie streets of South Park!
CHEF: [ANGRY] Oh, you do, do you? [COLDLY, EYES CRAZY] "...And you will know that my name is Chef when I lay my vengeance upon thee!"
[CHEF AND CARTMAN EXIT.]
STAN: This is really f**ked-up, here. Chef told me he never saw Pulp Fiction.
KYLE: Uh ... dude, he hasn't.
STAN: Uh-oh!
PART III -- WHO DAT BOMB-SHELL?
[SCENE: CHEF IS PILOTING A B-2 BOMBER. CARTMAN IS THE BOMBADIER.]
CHEF: OK, Cartman, start dropping the bombs. Perfect! You destroyed the "Dogs of War" weenie mobile and killed the sh*t out of Kenny!
CARTMAN: Ahhh am so much le baaaaastard! Eat my sh*t, Kenny!
CHEF: Well, I guess THAT should show them who rules the weenie streets of South Park!
[SCENE: STAN AND KYLE ARE LOOKING AT THEIR DESTROYED TANK. PIECES OF KENNY ARE EVERYWHERE.]
KYLE: Stan, we've got to get revenge, but how can we top this?!
STAN: Don't worry, I've got a secret weapon that I was saving to use on my sister, Shelley. It's called an A-bomb, which is perfect because Cartman's an A-hole.
[STAN TAKES KYLE TO SEE THE A-BOMB.]
KYLE: Dude, that bomb's "GOT BACK"!!!
[SCENE: TOWN HALL MEETING. CARTMAN AND CHEF ARE AT A TABLE BEHIND AND TO THE LEFT OF THE PODIUM. STAN, KYLE AND KENNY ARE AT A TABLE BEHIND AND TO THE RIGHT OF THE PODIUM. THE MAYOR IS PRESIDING.]
MAYOR: OK, for two days now, there has been a war raging in South Park. I have made it my goal to bring together the warring countries and see if we can find common ground for an end to the war.
CHEF: I wouldn't really call it a war, Mayor. It was more of a weenie police action.
BARBRADY: Why wasn't I informed? We can't have untrained civilians running around, taking weenies into their own hands!
MAYOR: I see.
[BILL CLINTON ENTERS FROM STAGE-LEFT.]
CLINTON: Can I be of some assistance here? I wasn't too bad in Kosovo!
MAYOR: Why? You've done all the COWS in Washington?!
CLINTON: [CHUCKLING TO AIDE] She's got some mouth. Reminds me of Kathy Lee ... Kathy Lee Bates, that is!
MAYOR: [ENRAGED] Not getting enough fiber in your diet, "MR. MAN"?! Try eating my shorts!!!
CLINTON: [CLINTON WALKING-OFF STAGE, CHUCKLING TO AIDE] I like the mouthy ones, they always swalla! Hey, do we have any bombs left?
MAYOR: [RECOMPOSED.] Now let me get the list of grievances for the two countries. I'll start with the People's Republic of Independant Contractors; who will speak for the PRIC?
CARTMAN: That's me.
MAYOR: And what are your grievances towards the Confederated Union for National Trade?
KYLE: [WHISPERS TO STAN.] Dude, I told you there was something wrong with that name.
CARTMAN: While our grievances are many, I will list only one. They are all a bunch of RACISTS!
STAN: What the hell are you talking about, Cartman? How can we be rascists?
CARTMAN: I don't see any black people in your country?! What? They're all working in the salt-mines? Oh, I'm sorry! I forgot that slaves don't count as people! I guess I'll have to read your constitution, I'm a little weak on my Goebbels!
KYLE: That's NOT FUNNY, FAT-ASS!
CARTMAN: J'accuse?
[KENNY TAKES OFF HIS SHOE AND BANGS IT ON THE TABLE SEVERAL TIMES.]
MAYOR: ORDER! ORDER! I think I see where this is going. I'm going to BAN ALL PUSH-CARTS FROM THE STREETS OF SOUTH PARK!!!
[SCENE: THE BOYS AND CHEF ARE STANDING OUTSIDE THE TOWN HALL.]
STAN: Well, I've learned that competing fairly makes things better for everybody.
CHEF: I've learned not to let money make me forget who my friends are.
KYLE: And I learned that A-bombs are not just for Japanese, anymore.
STAN: What?!!
KYLE: Just kidding, dude. I learned that a free market needs some reasonable limits. What did you learn, Cartman?
CARTMAN: [DRESSED LIKE NAPOLEON] LIBERTE! EGALITE! ARTMAN-CAY!
CHEF: C'mon, children. We'd better leave Cartman for the squirrels to ponder...
THE END.