"South Park: Return of the Jackovosaur"
by Xebot[SCENE: School room]
MR. GARRISON: I have sad news to report to you children. One of our most-beloved residents of South Park is dead! Poor Jackov, the Jackovosaur, has been assasinated!!!
CARTMAN: Noooooooooo! [CRIES]
STAN: Take it easy, dude. Get a grip.
KYLE: Yeah, you're crying more than Fred Goldman at a news conference!
CARTMAN: I don't believe it!!!
MR. HAT: You heard it! Jackov no more!
MR. GARRISON: You tell 'em Mr. Hat. I just saw the news. Cronkite cried like Fred Goldman at an onion festival.
[SCENE: SCHOOL CAFETERIA. CARTMAN IS ALONE WITH CHEF.]
CARTMAN: [SOBBING] Well, I guess we'll have to accept the report of the Mayor's commission.
CHEF: Have you READ the report? The coroner found fifty bullet wounds,
which Senator Arlen Spector attributed to a "magic marker". Jackov was shot
by fifty bullets with world-class precision in less than 3.2 seconds -- even
a high school student can't do that. And later, at the hospital, somebody
finds a pristine bullet? That bitch don't cook!
[SINGING]
I need a doggy woman
don't care if she cook or hunt
all I care's about
if she'll let me dog her c...CARTMAN: STOP! I HATE that song!
CHEF: It put the Indigo Girls on the map. But watch out for one thing.
CARTMAN: Wilson-Phillips?
CHEF: No, and it's worse than that Darth-guy, who was a white dude voiced-over by a brother. We're talkin' chicken-on-whitebread evil.
CARTMAN: Michael Eisner?
CHEF: Cheaper to get rid of, but just as evil. No, Jackov threatened the status quo, the military-industrial complex, and the people who really control this government. He sent shock-waves throughout the corridors of power.
CARTMAN: You mean...?
CHEF: Yes, he threatened the entire George Lucas franchise.
[SCENE: The boys are in the school yard.]
CARTMAN: I heard that Jackov was killed by George Lucas because his merchandise wasn't selling-thru in the third-tier distribution channels and had a negative Q-rating in the primary target markets, namely GX and 2I/WC.
KYLE: What the hell does that mean?
STAN: It means that Cartman's got into his mom's crack, again ... this time he inhaled.
CARTMAN: MY MOM ISN'T A CRACK WHORE! I heard this all from Chef! Nyeah, nyeah!
STAN: Well, if Chef said it...
KENNY: Mrrrmmp, jhdee mrrmm?
STAN: Good point, Kenny. Maybe the Succubus is back, and is forcing Chef to read William Safire op-eds?
KYLE: But, what's the connection between Jackov and George Lucas' Jar Jar?
STAN: They each brought an episode to its knees?
KYLE: So does Cartman's mom.
CARTMAN: Jackov is NOT NOT NOT Jar Jar! Jackov was funny! He was killed because they THOUGHT he was Jar Jar. That's what happens when you hire Cubans to do the Mafia's job!
[SCENE: JIMBO AND NED ARE POISED ON A GRASSY KNOLL, SIGHTING-IN ON THE BOYS.]
JIMBO: We sure suckered those Cubans, huh, Ned? They're paying us twice what they paid us for the Jar Jar assasination!
NED: Yezz, we surze did. Hold on ... I think I've got a bead on Jamezzz Cameron...
[NED SHOOTS A "BLASTER" RIFLE]
[SCENE: BACK WITH THE BOYS, AS KENNY'S HEAD EXPLODES.]
STAN: They killed Kenny!
CARTMAN: I told you! Only George Lucas kills like that!
KYLE: Lucas, you bastard!
[SCENE: BACK AT THE GRASSY KNOLL WITH JIMBO AND NED.]
JIMBO: Who's next on Lucas' list, Ned?
NED: It's juzzzt the initials.
JIMBO: Lemme see the list. OK, who has the initials "E.T."?
NED: Is Elizzzibeth Taylor still alive?
JIMBO: Not for long, Ned!
THE END.