ROCKY HORROR SOUTH PARK SHOW A South Park/Rocky Horror Picture Show Crossover By Arthur Levesque ([email]) This is a work in progress -- for the full story to date: http://www.erols.com/backslash/text/rh-sp.txt
Wendy: I'm so confused! What's happening here? Where's Stan? Where's anybody? Oh, Stan, how could you chase me away like that? If only I hadn't come along on this trip... If only we hadn't gotten lost... Oh, if only we were amongst friends... Or sane persons!
[Wendy hears a groaning coming from the tank... She walks over, pulls back a red sheet, and discovers Rocky. Rocky has some dirt and scratches on his face and arms, and seems frightened.]
Wendy: Oh, but you're hurt... Did they do this to you? Here, let me help...
[Cut to the "Jesus and Pals" set, where our Divine Narrator is reading from a large, impressive-looking book on a gold stand. A red, silk ribbon is in place as a bookmark, and the typeface is a beautiful gold-edged calligraphy. Jesus looks up at the camera and closes the book. The cover informs us that Jesus was not reading the bible, but rather the collected works of Jackie Collins...]
Jesus: Emotion, agitation or disturbance of the mind... Lustful or sinful mental state. Actually, a lot of people have wondered what my stance on premarital sex truly is. So I'd like to state once and for all my true opinion. You see-
[Suddenly, the image is replaced by a card that reads 'South Park Public Access']
Voice-over announcer: That's all the time we have left for Jesus and Pals, now stay tuned for Magenta's Movie Reviews!
[Cut to Magenta and Kathy Lee Gifford in Kathy Lee's room, watching a monitor. On the monitor are Wendy and Rocky.]
Kathy Lee and Magenta: Tell us about it, Wendy.
[Cut to Wendy and Rocky in lab. For all of Kathy Lee and Magenta's lines, cut briefly to them in Kathy Lee's room, then return to Wendy and Rocky.]
KISS-A KISS-A KISS-A KISS ME*
(to the tune of "Touch-a Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me")* [For those of you hoping for something ruder -- Sick, dude, she's only eight years old!!]
WENDY
I was angry at Stan, I'm no fan
Of how he always barfs at meMagenta: You mean he...
Kathy Lee: Ewwww!!
WENDY
I hoped someday he'd miss me
Maybe even kiss me
But all he ever does is
Just piss me off... Now all I want to do
Find someone new
I like my Stan but I want more MAGENTA & KATHY LEE
More, more, more! WENDY
He won't regurgitate, he
Won't tell his friends he hates me
He is strong and silent
Won't irritate me Kiss-a kiss-a kiss-a kiss me
Tell me that I'm pretty
hug me, hug me, don't bug me
Creature like my Stan Then if our love ends, we'll be friends
I'll call you up and we'll hang out MAGENTA & KATHY LEE
Out, out, out! WENDY
We'll play "Missile Bombardment"
At my mom's apartment
We'll even double-date
But I hate Cartman! Kiss-a kiss-a kiss-a kiss me
Tell me that I'm pretty
hug me, hug me, don't bug me
Creature like my StanKathy Lee: Kiss-a kiss-a kiss-a kiss me
Magenta: Tell me that I'm pretty
Kathy Lee: hug me, hug me, don't bug me
Magenta: Creature like her Stan
WENDY
Kiss-a kiss-a kiss-a kiss me
Tell me that I'm pretty
hug me, hug me, don't bug me
Creature like my StanRocky: Ba-chomp chewy chomp!
Stan: Ba-chomp chewy chomp?
Frank: Ba-chomp chewy chomp.
Cartman: Ba-chomp chewy chomp, god damn it!
Kyle: Ba-chomp chewy chomp.
Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff.
Rocky: Ba-chomp chewy chomp!
Janet: Ba-chomp chewy chomp, oh!
[Cut to elevator. Frank is whipping Riff Raff. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman are all riding the elevator. The whip is passing awfully close to Kenny on Frank's backswings, and he looks nervous...]
Riff Raff: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Merrrrrcy!
Frank: How did it happen? I understood you were to be watching!
Riff Raff: I was only away for a minute...master
Frank: Well, see if you can find him on the monitor.
Kyle: Forget that! See if you can find Terrence and Phillip on the monitor!
[Frank glares are Kyle, who immediately shuts up and ducks behind Stan]
Cartman (to Kyle): I'd never let a gay homosexual talk to me like that! If he tried, I'd be all like, "Hey! Gay boy! Why don't you get your bitch ass into the living room and pick me out some drapes!"
[Frank spins around. Kenny ducks to avoid the whip]
Frank: Who said that?
[Cartman points to Kenny]
Riff Raff: Master, master...we have a visitor.
[Frank and the kids all walk over to look at the monitor. There is a man sitting in a wheelchair]
Stan: Hey, Grandpa! That's my grandpa.
Riff Raff: You know this earthling ...person?
Stan: Yeah, I do! He's my silly old grandpa!
Frank: I see. So this wasn't simply a chance meeting. You came here with a purpose.
Cartman: Porpoises are stupid!
Stan: I told you, we got lost in the woods. I was telling the truth.
Frank: I know what you told me... but your grandpa, this man is not unknown to me.
Stan: So how do you know him?
Frank: Well, umm, let's just say it has nothing to do with the Japanese mafia.
Riff Raff: Not a thingy-dingy!
Stan: Huh?
Riff Raff: The intruder is entering the building, master.
Frank: He'll probably be in the disco. Shall we inquire of him in person?
[Frank throws a switch on the control panel. Cut to grandpa in the Big Gay Disco. Suddenly, the wheelchair zips across the floor seemingly out of control, causing Transylvanians, cows, and Brian Boitano to leap out of the way. The chair zips up two flights of stairs, pulled by an almost unnoticible string, runs around Magenta and Kathy Lee, and finally crashes through a wall and into the lab]
Stan: Holy shit!
Grandpa: Goddammit, they don't make walls like they used to! In the old days, crashing into a wall like that would have killed me for sure!
[The wheelchair zips down towards the control panel. Kenny, keeping an eye on Frank's whip, doesn't see the chair coming right for him]
Riff Raff (pointing to wheelchair): Look out! It's coming right for us!
[Kenny spins just in time to see the chair and whimper before it runs him over and -- yes -- kills him.]
Kyle: Oh my god! They killed Kenny!
Stan: You bastards!
Grandpa (whacks Stan with cane): Watch your mouth, you ingrate!
Frank: Don't play games, Grandpa Marsh. You know perfectly well what Stan and his friends are doing here.
Grandpa: You mean little Billy?
Frank (annoyed): Whatever!! It was part of your plan, was it not? That he and his friends should check the layout for you? Well, unfortunately for you, all the plans are to be changed. I hope you're adaptable, Grandpa. I know the fat kid is.
Cartman: Hey!
Grandpa: Billy's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. I was in the forest hoping to get killed by natural causes.
[Suddenly, a sound comes from the tank. Frank strides over, pulls the red sheet aside, and reveals Janet and Rocky! And they both (gasp!) AREN'T WEARING THEIR HATS!! OH MY GOD!!!]
Frank: Rocky!
Rocky: Me bad?
Stan: Wendy!
Wendy: Stan!
[Stan barfs]
Wendy: Ewww!
Frank: Rocky!
Rocky: Me bad?
Stan: Wendy!
Wendy: Stan!
[Stan barfs]
Wendy: Ewww!
Frank: Rocky!
Rocky: Me bad?
Stan: Wendy!
Wendy: Stan!
[Stan barfs]
Wendy: Ewww!
Frank: Listen...I made you...and I can break you just as easily.
Magenta (bangs gong): Master, dinner is prepared!
Frank: Excellent. Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional.
[Exit all. Kenny's body is left behind, and is quickly carried off by rats]