Accents have not been applied ------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------
Mr Garrisons' classroom
Mr. Garrison: "Okay class, now today we're going to learn about Canada. Does anybody know what Canada is? Other than Hell on earth? Stan: "Isn't it one of the Great Lakes?" Cartman: "No Stan, Canada is a gay homosexual community near Seattle" Mr Garrison: "Oh no Eric, I believe thats Lebanon you're thinking about" Kenny: "Mmmm Mmmmmm mmmmm mmmmmmmm mmmmmm mmm mmm mmmmm mmmmmmmmmm.....mmm mmmmm mmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmmm mmm mmmm mmm mmm m mmmmmmm?" -Translation "Isn't Canada where everyone smokes pot and rides snowboards....and all the girls will have sex with you for a quarter?" Cartman: "Mr Garrison, can I be a Canadian?" Mr Garrison: "No Eric, you're not Chinese enough to be a Canadian....oh, by the way Kenny, thats Nebraska you were referring to..........It seems like you all need to look at your maps a little more closely."
Mr Garrison pulls down the North America map
Mr Garrison: "Ok, now this big, disgusting pink country with no weather, is Canada."
Entire class gasps and looks shocked
Mr Garrison: "Mr Hat, I understand that you'd like to say a few more words about our attrocious neighbours.....Yes I do, Canada has been the most evil place on earth ever since God farted and created it...And now its ruled over by a tyrannical queen who looks like Rodney Dangerfield!.. ..Oh, and don't forget we're going swimming tomorrow children"
Class still looks shocked.
Scene switches to cafeteria.
Pip: "You know fellows, my uncle was knighted by the Queen" Kenny: "Mmmm mmmm mmmm mm mmm mmm mmmm mmm?" -Translation "Does that mean he had sex with her?" Pip: "What did you say?" Cartman: "He said shut up and go back to Limeyland!" Pip: "Righty-ho then lads...Oh, by the way...do keep an eye open for my cousin and all his friends - they've come to South Park on holiday"
Cartman farts in Pips general direction.
Cartman: "Oh, I'm sorry Pip, I didn't see you standing there" Pip: "...Why....how delightfull"
Everyone laughs - except Pip, who faints.
Go to commercial Scene switches to a rental mini-bus speeding along a mountain road. All thats visible are red & white checkered scarves and flags hanging out of the buses' windows. The sound of the Sex Pistols' "Pretty Vacant" rules the still mountain air. A tiny wild rabbit stops to sniff the air and is splatterred by a tire.
Hooligans: "....United (Clap, clap, clap)....United(Clap, clap, clap)..."
Scene switches to the pool.
Cartman: (Floating in inner tube) " Hey, you guys, its nice and warm over here where Kenny was" Kyle: "Cartman, you fat f*ck, thats because Kenny pissed over there!"
Stan and Kyle (Both floating in tubes) - both laugh. Cartman: "Ahhh!, Goddammit!, get me out of here - I - I've been violated!"
Enter Mr Garrison (Floating with the assistance of a pair of pink waterwings).
Mr Garrison: "Now children, no watering the pool flowers" Stan: "Mr Garrison, what's that giant bulge in your swimming trunks" Mr Garrison: (Turns away) "Oh, nothing - thats just my uhm... thats just an air bubble that Mr Hat caused"
Exit Mr Garrison to the right. Enter Chef to the left. Chef has the Bermuda shorts, Hawaiin Shirt, shades, an inflatable pink flamingo, a blue drink (with a yellow umbrella in it), SCUBA goggles, a fairly deluxe underwater camera and a ghetto blaster. "Train in Vain" by the Clash is playing.
Chef: "Oowwweee, looky here crackers!, I'm Jacques Cousteau!" Stan: "Awesome chef!" Kyle : "Chef, are you sure you've got enough stuff?" Chef: "Haha, well you never know when you may need half this stuff" Cartman: "Goddammit!, Kenny pissed in the pool!, I feel like Jon Voight in 'Deliverance'" Stan: "Chef, what's the camera for?" Cartman: "Stan, are you ever stupid. That's for taking pictures of beavers, clams and other undersea life" Chef: "Well, ....in a manner of speaking I suppose.......Ok boys, I gotta go set me up camp over there" Kyle: "Bye Chef" Stan: "Yeah, see ya Chef"
Exit Chef
Cartman: (Looking up) "Hey, its Kenny, he's on the high board!"
Everyone looks up (Kenny is out of the field of view)
Stan: "Do it Kenny, get some air!" Cartman: "Do a triple pike Kenny! Kyle: "Oh f*ck, I can't look......say hi to Elvis Kenny!" Stan: "Hey, how did Kenny afford those new speedo's?" Cartman: "That's what I was wondering...and look at that stupid new haircut!" Stan: "Dude, and whats that tattoo on his chest?" Stan/Kyle/Cartman: "JUMP! ..Kenny!, Kenny do a full Nelson!...cannonball time!.....do it!"
Dramatic pause... Switch to slow motion as the boys look up open mouthed - a large brown Kenny turd falls from the sky and splashes into the pool - not far from Cartman.
Mr Garrison: (Standing at side of pool) "Oh good Christ! Mr Hat, I think the high board just scared the sh*t out of that little boy.. ..Haha...haha" Cartman: "Oh..f*ck..you f*ckin' little f*ckin'....ahhh!" Stan: "Help me god!" Kyle: "For the **** ** f*** you f***** f**** ** *********'s!!"
The boys frantically paddle away from the scene. Pip arrives on the scene.
Pip: " What's all the commotion chaps?...mind if I swim with you for a short time?" Cartman: "What...oh wait..yes Pip, you can swim with us - but first you have to do something for me" Pip: "Oh all right, what now?" Cartman: "Well, you see Pip, I've dropped my chocolate bar in the pool over there...see it? ...yeah, thats it. You go get that and you can swim with us" Pip: "Oh,....I don't.."
Enter THE genetic engineer (With his little buddy(Lets call him Regis for now))
Gen. Eng: "Wait!, nobody move. I saw everything, that fecal missile could prove to be invaluable in my work... Regis, go get that sh*t for me"
Regis dives in the pool and disapperars underwater.
Scene switches to town - where Pips' cousin and all his soccer hooligan friends are running rampant - kicking in windows and generally destroying the town....All to the tune of Adam Ants' "Beat Me".
Town Folk #1; "God help us, the English have come to take back South Park"
Switch scenes to the news room.
Newsreader: "It seems that South Park is getting a taste of jolly old England right now as an estimated 35,000 Manchester United supporters are rampaging through town....We go now to a report from a stuttering pair of Siamese-twin nuns.."
Nuns:"Th-the-thanks Ch-Chuck....."
The angry mob turns their fury on the Siamese-twins. And the camera. TV screen goes to fuzzy snow.
Newscaster: (Looking Shocked) " Oh sh*t!"
Scene changes to THE genetic engineers' lab
Gen Eng: "Look at it Regis....its its Alive"
Scene pans out to reveal a large black man in a huge glass dome.
Gen Eng : "That juicy turd that I took from that terrified little mute boy seems to be growing at an exponential rate!.........look at it again Regis"
Regis looks up to the genetic engineer - blinks.
Gen Eng: "Its entirely breathtaking on an unimaginably huge scale....or something like that.
The mutant is now seven feet tall and seems to be wearing boxing? gloves.
Gen Eng: "Quickly Regis, unplug the machine - she is complete .....I call her... Mrs. Mike Tyson"
Go to commercial Scene sees the boys walking through a semi-destroyed South Park
Cartman: "What the hell is happening here!?" Stan: " Maybe Barbra Streisand came back"
The shocked boys look on as the hooligans trash the store next to Toms' Rhinoplasty. All to the tune of "Johnny hit and run Pauline" by some punk band who's name escapes me.
Cartman: "It's Pips' relatives!. They're all coming accross like typical English people on vacation!" Stan: "I think they're still pissed off from that whole civil war thing" Kyle:(Drops his pants)"Kiss this you f*ckin' English fudge traders.. ..you want a civil war......f*ck, here you go"
Enter the genetic engineer, Regis and Mrs. Mike tyson
Gen Eng:(Sees Kyles' ass)" Put that incomparably singular ass away little boy, we'll use that as a final resort.......Boys, have you met Mrs Mike Tyson?"
Mrs Tyson: "Neeber snabber!" Cartman: "Jesus Christ, you smell like Kennys' house" Kenny:(frowns) "Mmmm" -Translation" Hmmm" Gen Eng: "Boys boys, now's not the time for in depth philosophy" Mrs Tyson: "Abber nabber!" Stan: "Hey Mr. Genetical dude, maybe Mrs Tyson could help us fight against that gang of English soccer punks" Gen Eng: "Brilliant idea!, I wish i would have thought of that. But, how can I inspire 'her' to commit an act of extreme violence?" Stan: "I don't know.....tell her she's ugly?" Gen Eng: "No, spite may have dissasterous effects" Cartman: "Hey....You!...You came out of Kennys' ass!..You're the top man on an olympic 2-man luge team!....Hey, I'm talking to you!..."
No reaction.
Kyle: "Cartman, move you're fat f*cking ass. Let me Try.....Two words 'Evander Holyfield!" Mrs Tyson: "Ear Ear! NABB-NABBER!"
Mrs Tyson pounds cartman on the top of the head and wades into the mass of English punk rock humanity. All to the tune "Blitzkreig Bop" by the Ramones.
Cartman:(Buried up to his neck in snow) "Hey, you bitch....... somebody get me outta here!"
The scene pans around to see Mrs Tyson eating people and generally going nuts on the hooligans ....Very messy. As the last soccer fan is torn apart - a bullet is fired into Mrs Tysons' head.The genetic engineer stands gun in hand.
Gen Eng: "Enough!...Thats just enough" Stan: "Cool!" Gen Eng: "I feel my work is done here....I'm uncontrollably sorry children........here Regis, take my hand"
The Genetic Engineer leaves hand in hand with Regis
Chef rolls up in his car.
Chef: "What the fudge happened here boys?" Stan: "Pips' family from England came over and started destroying the town. And we were all like 'Hey , dudes don't do that!' and then Kenny took a shit and the genetical engineer turned it into a wierd, pissed off Mrs Mike Tyson and...and then she kicked the crap out of all those English people......"
Chef: "Again?.." Stan: "Yeah, but this time they had better music!"
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-Apologies for abrupt ending - I'm a little tired _______________________________________ _______________________________________
Thanks, Ron