My second fic. (Crosses every limb) Hope you like.
Miss Ellen: The Bitch Is Back
Intro, a 'that chick from species is back' sign when bus rolls by. Usual lyrics, yada yada yada, finishes.
Scene: Classroom.
Wendy: Stan.
Stan: Yeah Wendy.
Wendy: What are you buying me for my birthday?
Stan: Uh, Uh, Uh, a cake. Yeah, I left it in my desk. (Opens desk. The cake is gone.) CARTMAN!
Cartman: What? I didn't eat your stupid chocolate cake!
Stan: How did you know it was chocolate fat ass!
Cartman: A lucky guess. (Rubs chocolate smear from face.)
Wendy: Oh well, we can pretend you bought me a present.
Kyle: Yeah, here Stan, here's an imaginary five bucks!
Stan: Well Gee, thanks Kyle.
Wendy: Stan, do you want to kiss?
Kenny: Give her an imaginary one from me.
Stan: Shut up Kenny!
Cartman: Who knows, you may get lucky. My Mah says-
Stan: Your 'Mah' is a man!
Cartman: Well, SHE said that she got lucky and knocked up this chick, she didn't say what knocked up means.
Wendy: It means she made a women pregnant.
Cartman: My Mah is a woman.
Kyle: She's a man.
Cartman: OK, believe what you want Kyle, but I know my mom was born with her parts.
Kenny: She was probably born with that stupid tray of cookies too.
Wendy: OK, well Stan, are you coming to my birthday?
Mr Garrison: OK class, once again I have contracted a illness.
Stan: (Puts up hand)
Mr Garrison: yes Stan
Stan: What is it? Last time it was laryngitis, before that it was constipation, and before that it was diorehha.
Mr Garrison: I have haemorrhoids.
Stan: Haemorrhoids! HAHA! (Class bursts out in fits or laughter)
Mr Garrison: Shut up or i'll give them to you. (Laughing stops.) OK, I have found a teacher that you all know, Miss Ellen. (Wendy's face goes distraught. Stan, Kyle's, Cartman's and Kenny's mouths all drop open.)
Miss Ellen: Hi Class, Hi Wendy. (Thins eyes.)
Kyle: (Put's hand up)
Miss Ellen: Yes Kyle.
Kyle: How did you get back from the sun?
Miss Ellen: I was found on a rouge asteroid heading for the Mir space station.
Stan: Didn't the Mir land on Kenny?
Kyle: No dude, Chef says it was a group hallucination after a stray dog poured drugs into the Salisbury steak on Halloween.
Miss Ellen; I hope Mr Garrison is OK from his piles surgery. (Class laughs) But, I will be teaching you. And Wendy, I'm ba-ack! (Laughs)
Bus stop
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you doing!?
Cartman: I asked my Mah how to become a lesbian-
Kenny: You still want to get in her pants don't you?
Cartman: Anyhoo, my Mah said I have to eat a beaver before I'm a lesbian. (chews on run over beaver.)
Kyle: What's a beaver? Kenny?
Kenny: I dunno.(Bus pulls up.)
Mrs. Crabtree: C'mon kids, we're running late.
Stan: Miss Crab Tree, I know we hate each other, but, what's a beaver?
Mrs. Crabtree: (Looks confused.) SIT DOWN!
Cafeteria:
Chef: Hello Children!
Kids: Hey Chef.
Chef: How's it going?
Kids: Bad.
Chef: Why bad?
Kyle: Cartman's mom said he had to eat a beaver to be a lesbian.
Chef: Now why in the hell would Eric want to be a lesbian?
Stan: Miss Ellen's back.
Chef: Oh Crap... Kyle: And since you know lots about a ladies anatomy, we thought you would know what his mah meant by beaver. So, what's a beaver?
Chef: Just because I make sweet love to every women I see, and probe her inner depths with my love tool, and lick her all over, and sing songs to her, you expect me to know what a beaver is?!
Kyle: Well, yeah.
Chef: Well, it's between a womens legs.
Kenny: Her penis?
Chef: No dammit! It's not a penis, it's called the- (Bell rings) Oh well time to go.
Stan: DAMMIT! I know we'll ask Miss Ellen herself.
Cartman: You guys, I don't feel to good...(faints.)
Stan: I guess that beaver didn't agree with him.
Kenny: What beaver? Her beaver?
Kyle: You know what a beaver is!?
Kenny; NO, I overheard his mom saying. Oh, my beaver is sooo hairy.
Stan: How did you overhear his Mom going 'Oh my beaver is sooo hairy'
Kenny: I have my reasons.
Stan: We'll just ask Miss Ellen, she'll know since she is a lesbian. If Cartman's mom says it's a important thing, it better be.
Class Room:
Miss Ellen: OK class, do you all know what's happening tomorrow?
Partially Recovered Cartman: (Sticks up hand) We all find out what a beaver is?
Wendy: You overweight buffoon!
Cartman: Am are rather Buff aren't I?
Wendy: A beaver builds dams and blocks up water.
Kyle: The other beaver Wendy.
Wendy: Oh *that* beaver.
Stan: You know what it is!!!
Wendy: Yes of course, I have one.
Cartman: Wendy is a lesbian, Wendy is a lesbian.
Wendy: Shut up round boy!
Cartman: Ay! I'm pleasantly plump.
Kyle: Wendy, what's a beaver?
Wendy: I'm not telling you!
Miss Ellen: Well, on Friday we're having a kareoke contest. The winner will come to my house for dinner.
Kyle: What kind of songs will we have to sing??
Miss Ellen: Which ever one you want.
Cartman: Sweet!
Come Friday....
Auditorium...
Miss Ellen: OK, Eric, your up first.
Cartman: (Walks on in an anorak and jeans. His eyebrows have met and become one, and he wears sunglasses and a hat.) And Maybe, your gonna be the one that saves me, and after all, your my wonderwall. DO, Do, De de Dah!
Miss Ellen: A lovely song Eric. Who was it by?
Cartman: Oasis. My Mah says they're paving the way forward in the legalisation of cannabis.
Miss Ellen: OK, (writes 'Severe Drugs and Attitude problem' on a piece of paper.) Kenny.
Kenny; Started at the age of four, my mother went to the grocery store, went sneakin' through her bedroom door, to find something in a size four. Sugar and Spice and everything nice wasn't meant for only girls, G.I Joe i pantyhose it makin' room for the one and only (Class mates join in at chorus.) King For a day, princess by dawn, King for a day in a leather thong. King for a day, princess by dawn. Just wait till all the guys get a load of me. (Trumpets play. Miss Ellen taps hands on lap.) My daddy threw me in therapy.
Cartman: More like his dah should go in alochol therapy. (Kenny hurls a mic at him.)
Kenny: (Continues singing.) He thinks I'm not a real man,. Who put the drag in drag queen. Don't knock it until you tried it. Sugar and Spice and everything nice wasn't meant for only girls G.I Joe in pantyhose is making room for the one and only, KING FOR A DAY! Princess by dawn, king for a day, in a leather thong. KING FOR A DAY!!!!!! (walks off stage.)
Stan: Where the hell did you learn to sing like that?!
Kenny; (Shrugs.)
Miss Ellen: Wonderful! (Writes 'Recommend to Chef' on paper.) Stan.
Stan: I'm doing a song by an Irish group, is that OK?
Miss Ellen: Fine.
Stan: Oh-oh-oh. Hey Hey Hey!
Cartman; OH MY GOD! STAN IS SINGING A IRISH SONG! AND IT'S BY GIRLS! (Laaghs hystericly.)
Stan: SHUT UP FATASS! AT LEAST THE GROUP IM SINGING BY CAN COUNT!
Miss Ellen: (writes 'possible gay or transvestite) on paper.) Kyle.
Kyle: You pushed me once too far again. I'd love to break you f*cking teeth. Stick a knife in the centre of your back. You better grow eyes in the back of your head. I fight dirty just like your looks. Can't Take Can't Take can't take anymore. TTake Back, Take back, take. The taste of bad blood on the tip of my tongue. An eye for an eye. Gun for a gun. Cold C*cked and I'm taking back what's mine. Expect it when you least expect it. No loss of love, the smell of regret. Can't take anymore. (Walks off stage.)
Miss Ellen: We have a winner!
Kyle: Kick ass!
Tom's Rhinoplasty
Tom: Mr. Garrison, your operation was a success. We're removed the bandages, do you want to look?
Mr. Garrison: Yes please. (Holds up mirror.) Oh, I LOVE it! (He looks like Freddie Mercury.) Once again I'll be the icon for gay's all round the world!
Tom: He was gay?!
Mr Garrison: Why do you think he strutted around in lycra?
Tom: I need glasses. I thought he wore a wetsuit.
Mr Garrison: You do need glasses. Mr. Hat, we are ready to leave!
Mr Hat: (Who looks like George Michael) OK Garrison, let's roll! (walk out.)
Miss Ellen's apartment:
Kyle: Miss Ellen.
Miss Ellen: Yes Kyle.
Kyle: Cartman's mom said to be a lesbian, you had to eat a beaver. She has also said you have to lick carpet and eat a box. Stan, Kenny, Cartman and I are wondering, what's a beaver? And how do you make sweet love?
Miss Ellen: Have you tried Chef?
Kyle: Repeatedly. He keeps going 'Dammit, Why don't you ask Cartman's Mom!'. We did and she said her cookies were done, so we don't know. What's a Beaver Miss Ellen?
Miss Ellen: UH well, has Mr. Garrison told you about reproduction yet?
Kyle: He told us that sex is a wonderful wonderful thing.
Miss Ellen: Can we finish this after dinner?
Kyle: S'pose so. (Picks up fork and digs it into his spagetti. He twirls it round and eats it much to Miss Ellen's delight.) Ugh, this tastes like crap!
Miss Ellen: You have five seconds of consciousness left. Use them wisely.
Kyle: What's a beaver? (Passes Out)
Bus Stop
Stan: Where's Kyle?
Cartman: Yeah, where is your little butt friend?
Stan: At least I don't have tea parties!
Cartman: AY! My Mah says it normal for a boy my age.
Stan: Pbbt, yeah a *gay* boy your age.
Cartman: AY YOU STUPID PIECE OF CRAP!
Stan: I don't want to go to school today.
Cartmn: Me neither. My Mom's out all day, you wanna go watch the Terrence and Philip marathon?
Kenny: Cool! (They walk off)
Cartman's house.
Terrence: Philip, I heard about your condition.
Philip: What condition???
Doctor: I'm afraid you have psychoschematicoudougodownsyndromerectum disorder.
Philip: What does that mean you dick?
Doctor: Your ability to break wind is hindered.
Philip: GOD NO!
Doctor: Unless you have a polygrippinghaushinkadiskinpyshcocheed transplant.
Terrence: Hook him up to my ass!
V.O: Come back in a few minutes for the shocking conclusion! (Screen fizzles and a newsreader appears on screen.) Newsreader: Today, Freddie Mercury and George Michael were spotted in South Park. We had you over to Stephan Hawking in a Hawaiian shirt on a deck chair. Steve,
Steve: Thank you. And today, the icon for gays around the world re-appeared in South Park. Queen activists are claimed to say. 'Screw all the Elvis lovers. Damn them all to hell and back. Fred's here to stay' That is all the information we have at the moment. Buck. (Big Gay Al runs by holding up a pair of leather pants.)
Al: SIGN MY PANTS! I HAVE ALL YOUR ALBUMS!
Buck: Thanks Steve, love your work. Back to Terrence and Philip.
Terrence: (Has an anal probe hanging out his ass)I feel it sucking by bowels apart.
Philip: Your getting pleasure from it butt pipe! I-I-I can feeeeeeeeel it!!! (Farts)
Terrence: DUDE!
V.O: Thank you to Eric 'FatAss' Cartman for letting us use his anal probe in the making. No visitors were hurt in the making of this program. (A friendly visitor waves with an over happy face. A bottle of prozac falls from pocket.)
Stan: That kicked ass!
Cartman: Seriously dude. (Doorbell rings.) Who could that be?
Kyle: (Once Cartman open's door. In monotonous voice.) Where's Stan?
Stan: Here dude. (Kyle dives at him and drags him out by his feet.) KENNY! (Kenny runs over and is kicked away by Kyle. Kenny rolls into Cartman's roaring fire. He burns to a crisp. Silence.)
Stan: UH Kyle.
Kyle; What?
Stan: You killed again.
Kyle: oh my god, I killed Kenny. (monotonous.)
Stan: You bastard! (Is dragged out. Cartman stand alone on porch.)
Voice Over; Will Cartman find his friends? Will Stan figure out Kyle's evil plan? Will Kenny come back alive? (Cut's to Wendy.)Will Wendy ever rid her and Stan of Miss Ellen?
Wendy: I should damn well think so!
Voice Over: (Back to Cartman.) Will the boys ever find out what a beaver is? Find out in the conclusion of 'Miss Ellen: The bitch is back' Oh yeah, a final thing, will Cartman ever get to be average weight?
Cartman: I am average weight turd burglar!
Voice Over: That's debatable.
Cartman: AY!
End Credits. Stop in centre. Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat sit on a bus seat.
Mr. Garrison: Wow Mr. Hat, this was the best thing that ever happened to us!
Mr. Hat: You can say that again. That face lift and liposuction really helped. Mr. Marsh: Hey, your that Freddie Mercury guy. I loved Bohemie Rhapsody. 'Buhzelzeebub and the devils dah dah dah for me, for me, for meeeeeeeeeeee, DUH DUH DHUH DUH DUH!
Mr. Garrison:Yeah OK.
Voice Over: Will Mr. Garrison get star treatment from homosexual fans?
Mr. Garrison: I sure hope so.
Voice Over: Find out in the concluding part of 'Miss Ellen: The bitch is back'
End Credits.
Well, Whada think???? All coments welcomed.
Stumpy "Recommend me a psychiatrist, I need a better one" the Grasshopper