Please be gentle...it's my first time. OH. Posting a fanfic, I mean.
Here is my debut fanfic; the premise is the band Girls Against Boys (for more information see http://www.gvsb.com/) stopping in South Park when their van breaks down. Constructive criticism is welcome.
Julie-Louise
Usual disclaimers..."this fanfic should not be read by <blink>anybody</blink>."
Special Guest Voices: Girls Against Boys* (* it's a band, and they're all boys)
Scene 1: A wooded road just outside South Park. The Girls Against Boys (GVSB) van is stalled by the side of the road. Scott is at the driver's seat, Alexis is under the front hood fiddling with the engine, and Johnny and Eli are looking over his shoulder. All four guys are dressed in head-to-toe hipster black, except Eli, who has topped his ensemble with an orange sweatshirt (hood worn a la Kenny), reading "Imagine this sweatshirt wet." Alexis is just a little chunkier than the other three boys, who are sleekly and scrawnily androgynous.
ALEXIS: Try it again!
SCOTT (Turns the ignition key; the engine sputters but does not catch.): Sonofabitch. (Calling to the guys outside the van.) What time is it?
JOHNNY: 4:30. We were supposed to be in Denver by now.
ALEXIS: Yeah, and soundcheck was supposed to be at 6:00. (Distant sound of gunshots.) What was that?
Scene 2: The same woods, just out of earshot of the guys at the van. Uncle Jimbo and Ned are leading the scamps on another hunting excursion.
UNCLE JIMBO: Now boys, rule number one of hunting is *never* shoot off your gun until you see the whites of the eyes. (Whispering) Now look up there boys, that's a Canadian goose. (Quick profile shot of a bird, with a Terrence/Phillip/Ike-type head, perched on a roof.) It's not a native of these parts, so we have to...uhh...
NED: Keep it from crowding out the native specieszzzz....
UNCLE JIMBO: IT'S COMING RIGHT FOR US! (Blasts away with his submachine gun; we hear a sound of bullets striking metal.)
STAN: Uncle Jimbo? I think you just shot the Mayor's weather vane.
UNCLE JIMBO: Oh. Well, rule number two is that *everybody* can benefit from a little target practice. (Starts marching down the road, with Ned and the scamps in tow.)
CARTMAN: Hey Kenny, maybe you should go back and get that bird for your family, since they're so poor and all. (Kenny glares at Cartman)
KYLE: Dude! It's metal, what good is it gonna do them?
CARTMAN: Well, my ma says every day you have to eat enough to get your vitamins and minerals, and even if Kenny's family is too poor to afford the vitamins that's no reason to pass up the minerals. (Stan and Kyle snicker.)
KENNY: [You want minerals, fat@$? Here's a hot lead suppository.] (Kenny tries to shove his gun up Cartman's rear.)
UNCLE JIMBO: Boys! Rule number three is *never* waste a bullet on your buddy. Even if he does deserve it, next thing you know you be out of ammo when you spot...(whispering fervently)...a whitetailed deer!
Scene 3: Quick shot to the perspective of Jimbo's scope--he's sighted the small amount of "plumber's butt" Alexis is showing as he leans over the van engine. Dissolve from crosshairs to plain closeup view of Alexis' rump. Pull camera back to show the other three guys standing around watching him try to fix the van.
ALEXIS: Dammit, I think this piece of **** is dead.
SCOTT: Oh ****. We better find a phone, call the club, and tell them where we are. Where are we?
JOHNNY: I think we're just outside some town. That must be a house over there.
ELI: [I'll go over there and see if they have a phone.]
ALEXIS: When you do, could you see if you could bum a soda or something off of them? I'm starvin' here.
JOHNNY: Yeah, you would be the first to say "I'm starvin'." Why are drummers always the chubby ones?
ALEXIS: AY! I am not chubby, I just look like it next to you scrawny little ****s!
SCOTT: Jeeze, Alexis, can't you take a joke yet?
ALEXIS: Ah, screw you guys, I'm going...err... (Bends back over the van engine. A distant offscreen cry of "IT'S COMING RIGHT FOR US!" is heard. Alexis jerks up, banging his head on the hood.) What the **** is going on? (A bullet pingingly rebounds off the van hood. The guys scramble to hide behind the van, as more gunshots are heard. The last bullet of the volley shoots out one of the tires.)
SCOTT: Sonofabitch! That was the spare! (Uncle Jimbo, Ned, and the scamps come trotting up to the van.) Don't shoot! Whatever we did, we're sorry, but please don't shoot us!
UNCLE JIMBO (briefly surprised that what he had seen wasn't a deer): Boys, rule number four: keep your scope properly cleaned at all times. Now, what seems to be the matter?
JOHNNY: Our van just died, plus you, er, one of the tires got shot out. We're supposed to be in Denver for a concert tonight.
CARTMAN: John Denver concert? Isn't he dead?
SCOTT: No, we're playing the concert in Denver.
STAN: Inside his corpse? Sick!
KENNY: [Yeah, up to six hours after death a body isn't so bad, but six months afterwards...]
ALEXIS (shouting): No, that's not it! (Calmer) We are trying to get to a major city tonight; do you know where we could use a phone, and get the van repaired?
UNCLE JIMBO: Well hell, we're just outside of town, we could push you right to Lumpy's garage.
ALEXIS (exhaustedly): Thank you.
Scene 4: The van is standing next to a building with a sign reading "Lumpy's Garage." Scott, Alexis, Eli, Johnny, Uncle Jimbo, Ned, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are standing around the van, visibly exhausted and breathing deeply. Cartman, fresh as a daisy, strolls around from behind the van.
CARTMAN: Hey guys, how was the trip?
STAN: Cartman, where the hell were you just now?
CARTMAN: I was riding in the back of the van.
KYLE: You weren't supposed to be in the van, fat@$!
CARTMAN: Oh yes, I was, Uncle Jimbo said "We need to put some fat@$ in the van, to keep it balanced while we push."
STAN: Cartman you d#ck! He didn't say "fat@$," he said "ballast"!
CARTMAN: AY! You guys keep calling me "fat@$," so I thought it was your nickname for me! (Stan is barely prevented by Kyle from rushing over to beat up Cartman, who is himself being held back by Kenny.)
ALEXIS (sotto voce to Johnny): I thought the van was even heavier than usual. Were we d#cks like that when we were eight?
JOHNNY: God, I hope not.
UNCLE JIMBO: Boys, that's enough! (Lumpy, who looks like Humpy, except he has both legs, exits the garage and walks slowly and deliberately to the group.) Good afternoon, Lumpy.
LUMPY (in slow, precise tones, with a definite pause between each word): Good. Day. Jimbo. How. Can. I. Help. You?
SCOTT: Our van broke down. We need to get to Denver for a concert tonight. Also, do you have a phone I could borrow, to call the club? Also, where are we? I didn't get the name of the town.
LUMPY: A. Denver. Concert? Isn't. He. Dead?
SCOTT (muttering): Oh God, not another one. (Aloud) No, the concert's in Denver. How far is that from here?
LUMPY: In. John. Denver? I. Thought. He. Crashed. In. Cali. Fornia.
ALEXIS: Whatever. We just need our van fixed as soon as possible. And do you have a phone we could borrow?
LUMPY: In. The. Office. Over. There. I'll. Get. Started. Right. Away. This. Generally. Takes. About. Two. Hours. (Lumpy turns around and walks into the garage, as slowly and deliberately as he speaks.)
JOHNNY: Thank you. Now what are we gonna do while we wait for the van to be repaired?
SCOTT: Maybe we could play a little show here, to thank these people for their help?
UNCLE JIMBO: Good idea! There's a bandstand right over there.
[Commercial Break]
Scene 5: The members of Girls Against Boys have set up and are tuning their instruments on the bandstand in the town square. The various young women of South Park (who normally swarm all over Chef) are thronged around the bandstand, gazing up at the young men. Chef, standing to one side, looks alarmed. Wendy and Bebe, followed by the four scamps walk into the square. Wendy looks up at the band, stops dead in her tracks, and grabs Bebe's arm.
WENDY (shrieking): Ohmygod, Bebe, have you ever seen anything so cute! (Stan is alarmed to hear this.)
BEBE (also shrieking): Ohmygod, Wendy, they are just too cute!
STAN: Wendy! What's going on? (Shot of Wendy and Bebe gazing up at the band, with broad smiles on their faces and little hearts floating about their heads. Camera pulls back to show Stan, who looks worried and appalled.) Wendy!
WENDY (Snapping out of it): Oh. Sorry, Stan. It's just that they're so...cute! (A young brunette woman and her blond friend walk in front of the kids.)
BRUNETTE (shrieking): Ohmygod, Dede, have you ever seen anything so sexy?
BLONDE (also shrieking): Ohmygod, Cindy, they are just too sexy! (Camera pulls back to show Chef, also displeased at the women's reaction.)
CHEF: Women! What's going on here?
BRUNETTE: Oh, nothing. (She and Dede wildly giggle.) C'mon Dede, let's get to the front of the stage! (The two women run off.)
WENDY: That's a good idea! C'mon, Bebe! (The two girls follow them.)
CHEF: Boys, who the hell are those skinny little crackers up there, and why are all the women going nuts?
KYLE: They're a band called Girls Against Boys, their van broke down outside of town, and they keep saying something about a John Denver concert.
CHEF: Girls Against Boys? What sort of name is that? Sounds like something Miss Ellen would be into.
STAN: You mean this band is gonna turn all the chicks in town into lesbians?
CARTMAN: Dammit! I knew I shoulda kept chewing on that box the way my ma told me! Now if all the chicks in town become like Miss Ellen I'm never gonna score!
KENNY: [Cartman, you couldn't score in a women's prison with a fistful of pardons.] (Everyone except Cartman laughs.)
CARTMAN: AY!
(Cut to the stage, where the band is ready to play.)
SCOTT (into the microphone): Hello, South Park! We're Girls Against Boys, from New York City--.
CHEF: New York City?!?
CARTMAN (eagerly): Get the rope?
CHEF: Oh now I remember! They're that New York electronica-hardcore band. Damn reviewers can't write about them without saying how hot and sexy they're supposed to be. They must be headed for a club in Denver. Boys, where is their van?
KYLE: At Lumpy's garage.
CHEF: Goddammit! At the rate that man works they'll never get out of town! (Chef runs off in the direction of Lumpy's garage.)
SCOTT: --And here's a song about our home town. It's called "Park Avenue." (The band launches into the song, the lyrics of which are not posted here for copyright reasons. Those who are interested should look at http://www-personal.umich.edu/~egery/GVSB/lyrics.html. The camera cuts between the band playing away intensely, the women dancing with excitement, and the boys looking about in incomprehension. In the middle of a particularly fierce drum segment, a drumstick slips out of Alexis' hand, flies through the air, and pierces Kenny right between the eyes, pinning him to the ground.)
STAN: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastard! (The crowd falls silent. Alexis, Johnny, Eli, and Scott put down their instruments, jump off the stage, and run to where Kenny lies. Officer Barbrady happens along, and Alexis is visibly panicked.)
BARBRADY (After a brief survey of the scene): Carry on! (Barbrady leaves, and the crowd begins to disperse. Alexis looks deeply relieved yet astonished. The rats scurry in and try to carry off Kenny, but he's pinned to the ground by the drumstick. Shelley, trailed by Wendy and Bebe, walks up to Scott.)
SHELLEY (to Scott): Could I interthview you for a thschool ass-thignment?
SCOTT: Uh, sure. Go right ahead.
SHELLEY: Name?
SCOTT: Scott McCloud.
SHELLEY: Hometown?
SCOTT: New York City, but I grew up in Washington, DC.
SHELLEY: Ifth you were a sth-tree, what sthort of sth-tree would you be?
SCOTT: What sort of street? I'd be Times Square--but the pre-Giuliani Times Square, where the sleaze was so thick you could cut it with a knife.
SHELLEY: No, no, what thort of *sth-tree*? And are you calling me sthleazy?
SCOTT: Huh? That's not what I meant at all!
SHELLEY: Are you looking at my headgear?
SCOTT: Yes--No! Of course not!
SHELLEY: You are looking at my headgear! (She grabs Scott and swings him about, then releases him. He lands at the feet of Uncle Jimbo (with rifle in hand), who is flanked by Chef and Lumpy, who have just walked on.)
LUMPY: Hello. Young. Man.
SCOTT (to the rest of the band): Run for your lives! This town's totally ****ed up here! (The band runs off screaming in terror. Stan walks up to Wendy.)
STAN: Wendy, were you really interested in those guys in the band? (Wendy blushes and giggles.) C'mon, you can tell me, I won't be jealous.
WENDY: Well...I was looking at the singer...and kept thinking you were going to grow up to look a lot like him. Only better. After all, *you* wouldn't run off like that, would you? (She beams at Stan, who dashes over to Kyle and Cartman.)
STAN: Dudes! We have to start up a band, then you guys can get chicks...(a trifle self-importantly) the way I do.
BEBE (sotto voce to Wendy): Oh come on.
WENDY (also under her breath): Well it's true! Maybe it's not the whole truth, but it's true. (The two girls giggle conspiratorily.)
Scene 6: Shot of the band screaming and running along a wooded road, not noticing a sign pointing in the opposite direction, reading "Denver 6 Miles."
Scene 7: Back at the South Park bandstand.
LUMPY: What's. With. Those. Boys. I. Was. Going. To. Say. That. Their. Van. Is. Ready.
CHEF: Crazy crackers leaving perfectly good musical equipment here! What are we gonna do with it? (Lightbulb appears over his head.) Hmmmmmmm!
(Dissolve to a shot of Chef on the stage, singing "I'm Gonna Make Love to You Woman," backed by Stan on guitar, Kyle on bass, Cartman on drums, and Wendy on keyboards. All the young women of South Park are in the audience, swooning at the performance.)
FIN.
Under the closing credits, instead of the regular theme, we hear a version of Girls Against Boys' "Park Avenue," except with Cartman on vocals.