The First Season
Danny Drennan explicates the meaning and meaninglessness of the first ten (relentlessly repeated) episodes
South Park for Dummies
Original Episode
"The Spirit of Christmas"
In this five-minute short, we meet our main characters, the four scamps from South Park: Stan, in a blue ski cap with red pom-pom, red jacket, and blue pants; Kyle, green hunters cap, red jacket, green pants; Eric Cartman, light blue ski cap with yellow pom-pom, red jacket, brown pants; and Kenny, red parka, red pants. The children gleefully sing Christmas carols until Kyle is reminded hes Jewish, so he starts singing "The Dreidel Song," which brings on the Cartman critique, "Hanukkah sucks," which escalates into a rousing chorus of epithets only stopped by the appearance of Jesus, who has come seeking retribution against Santa Claus, whom he claims has defiled the meaning of Christmas. Best Epithet Award goes to Cartmans use of "pigfucker," last uttered by Mink Stole in Serial Mom. Jesus and Santa exchange blows, accidentally killing Kenny. The kids moral predicament (Jesus or Santa?) is solved by figure skater Brian Boitano, and Jesus offers to buy Santa an orange smoothie, as hordes of mice devour Kennys body.
Helpful references: Mortal Kombat, Edward Goreys Gashlycrumb Tinies, mens figure skating
Kennys Cause of Death: pierced by a Santa projectile
Moral: Whether youre Christian, Jewish, Hindu, or atheist, Christmas is about one very important thing - presents.
Secondary Moral: The eight days of Hanukkah provide capital incentive to become Jewish.
Episode 1
"Cartman Gets an Anal Probe"
Cartmans alien abduction symptoms are recognized by Chef, whose postulation of a big metal "hooba-jube" implanted up Cartmans butt matches Cartmans "nightmare" exactly. The appearance at school of flaming flatulence and a giant-eyeballed anal probe that expands into an 80-foot-wide beacon also belie Cartmans denial. Meanwhile, the "Visitors" kidnap Ike (Kyles puntable baby brother), the mutilation-phobic cattle want to hop the next train to Denver, Stan cant talk to Wendy Testaburger without throwing up, and Cartman is re-abducted, only to catch pink eye from Scott Baio.
Helpful references: Communion, the Little Rascals, the golden age of Looney Tunes
Kennys C.O.D.: UFO-beamed onto the road, Kenny is stampeded by cows, then run over by a police cruiser.
Moral: Having a little brother is a pretty special thing.
Too Much Information moment: ""You werent looking out for your little brother, Kyle! You know he cant think on his own, Kyle! Brush and floss, Kyle! Where has that finger been, Kyle!" - Kyle
Special Guest Star references: Scott Baio, David Caruso
Episode 2
"Weight Gain 4000"
Cartmans plagiarized "Walden" beats out Wendys dolphin opus in the "Save Our Fragile Planet" essay contest. Meanwhile, Kathie Lee Giffords award presentation poses a perfect mayoral media opportunity, Cartman bulks up for TV, schoolteacher Mr. Garrison recalls the former Kathie Lee Epsteins grade-school talent-show victory, and his hand-puppet sidekick Mr. Hat ends up in the psychiatric ward after seeking revenge on Kathie Lee. Such-a-fat-ass-hes-unable-to-leave-the-house Cartman sees his TV wish come true on Geraldo, and Chef gives Kathie Lee "sweet lovin."
Helpful references: Princess Cruises, Magic, Taxi Driver, Lee Harvey Oswald, The Return of the Jedi
Kennys C.O.D.: impaled on a flagpole
Moral: "You cant win all the time. And if you dont win, you certainly cant hold it against the person who did, because thats the only way you ever really lose." - Wendy
Special Guest Star reference: Mary Tyler Moore
Episode 3
"Volcano"
Stans Uncle Jimbo and his Vietnam vet sidekick Ned take a trip up the side of a volcano where they show the boys how to hunt various endangered and otherwise gentle, furry creatures with an arsenal of army-surplus weaponry. But Stan cant bring himself to shoot, the volcano awakens, the Mayor employs media histrionics, Cartmans scary-monster campfire story comes to life, an armless Ned does a "cancer kazoo" serenade of "Kumbaya," and the townspeople trap the hunters on the other side of a ditch they dig to divert the lava to Denver. "Scuzzlebutt," the mountain monster, performs a gasp-inducing wicker-basket rescue, but takes a bullet from Stan, who hopes to win his uncles approval by killing something.
Helpful references: The Atomic Cafe, Miss Saigon
Kennys C.O.D.: Crushed under a huge ball of molten lava, Kenny later receives a bullet to the chest.
Moral: "Some things you kill, and some things you dont." - Uncle Jimbo
Secondary Moral: "Only now in this late hour do I see the folly of guns." - Ned
T.M.I. moment: "My geologist? Now? Tell him the infection is fine, and I dont need another checkup." - Mayor
Special Guest Star reference: Patrick Duffy
Episode 4
"Big Gay Als Big Gay Boat Ride"
Uncle Jimbo causes a homecoming-game betting frenzy over Stans quarterbacking ability, while Stans "gay homosexual," pink-kerchief-wearing dog Sparky starts shtupping other pooches up the butt. Mr. Garrison explains the "thick, vomitous oil" that oozes through gay peoples veins, Coach Chef gives a pigskin sensuality pep-talk, and Uncle Jimbo and Ned booby-trap Middle Parks mascot so that its time-bombed to go off during John Stamoss older brothers halftime performance. Meanwhile, Stan stumbles onto "Big Gay Als Gay Animal Sanctuary" while searching for Sparky and gets a historic tour of gaydom on Big Gay Als Big Gay Boat Ride. Stan learns to love Sparky for who he is, throws a spread-beating touchdown pass, and reunites the disbelieving townsfolk with their lost gay animals. Stamoss brother finally hits the high F in Minnie Ripertons "Lovin You," blowing the Middle Park mascot sky high.
Helpful references: Pong, Solomons Key, The Wizard of Oz, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Kennys C.O.D.: decapitated by the opposing team
Moral: "Its okay to be gay!" - Stan
T.M.I. moment: "I havent seen so many children molested since...." - PA announcer
Special Guest Star references: George Clooney, Barbra Streisand, Rodney King, Hugh Grant
Episode 5
"An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig"
The size of Kyles mail-ordered elephant is problematic until a classroom discussion about genetic engineering results in the crossbreeding of the elephant with Cartmans potbellied pig Fluffy; a science-fair-project war sparks up with Terrance, who is involved in human cloning. Meanwhile, Stans sister Shelly inflicts some dental-headgear-induced wrath on her brother, and the boys tour the South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch, where Stans stolen blood yields a mean-dispositioned, out-of-control Stan clone. The clone is dispatched by Shelly, who then stands up for Stan, while Cartmans pig finally gives birth to something resembling Mr. Garrison, who awards the boys project first prize.
Helpful references: The Island of Dr. Moreau, Babe, The Omen
Kennys C.O.D.: launched into a microwave
Moral: "Perhaps we shouldnt be toying with Gods creations. Perhaps we should just leave nature alone, to its simple one-assed schematics." - South Park geneticist
T.M.I. moment: "If some girl tried to kick my ass, Id be like, "Hey, why dont you stop dressing me up like a mailman, and making me dance for you while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I dont even know on my dads bed! " - Cartman
Special Guest Star references: Loverboy, Elton John
Episode 6
"Death"
Stans grandfathers 102nd birthday wish is for assisted suicide, a moral dilemma for Stan that Mr. Garrison, Chef, and Jesus wont touch with poles of various sizes. Kyles mother protests the fart-ripe Terrance & Phillip show, and encourages the townsfolk to slingshot themselves against the Cartoon Central office building. Doo-doo jokes abound concerning the Kenny-transmitted stomach flu (i.e., explosive diarrhea) and "Death" chases the supervisionless boys into town, where they all stop to watch Terrance & Phillip in a store window until the shows sudden cancellation. Their favorite show off the air, the boys resort to gas fumes, crack, and porno, while Stans African safari-bound grandfather dreams of the statistical probability of voracious lion attacks.
Helpful references: Enya, A Christmas Carol
Kennys C.O.D.: touched by Death himself
Moral: "If parents would spend less time worrying about what their kids watch on TV and more time worrying about whats going on in their kids lives, this world would be a much better place." - Stan
Secondary Moral: "Parents only get so offended by television because they rely on it as a baby-sitter and the sole educator of their kids." - Kyle
T.M.I. moment: "Ive got the green-apple splatters!" - Mr. Garrison
Special Guest Star reference: Suzanne Somers
Episode 7
"Pink Eye"
After a pre-Halloween Mir space-station crash kills Kenny, his embalming takes a turn for the worse at the morgue, and in the morning a now-zombified Kenny meets the boys (in their Chewbacca, Raggedy Andy, and Adolf Hitler Halloween costumes); the boys make fun of Kenny because hes poor and gay-bait Stan. The town doctor diagnoses fatal zombie-like symptoms as pink eye, Chef and the boys hunt for zombie genesis clues, Stan and Cartman go chain saw-happy, and Kyle negotiates a maze of Worcestershire sauce-hot-line dialing options. The day saved, the boys leave Kennys gravesite and return to their candy and Crack Whore magazine (featuring Cartmans mom), while a stitched-up Kenny bucks for a sequel.
Helpful references: Phantasm, Night of the Living Dead, "Thriller" video, Carrie, Triumph of the Will, Star Wars, Pippi Longstocking
Kennys C.O.D.: Crushed by the Mir space station, Kenny is re-killed when Stan cuts him in half with a chain saw, and re-re-killed by a toppling cemetery statue, plus a crashing MiG jet.
Moral: "Halloween isnt about costumes or candy, its about being good to one another and giving and loving." - Stan
Secondary Moral: "Dressing up like Hitler in school isnt cool." - Puffy the Bear
T.M.I. moment: "Thats good, just use those mouth muscles like the girls in Beijing." - Mr. Garrison
Special Guest Star references: Jackie Collins, Evel Knievel, Richard Nixon, Tina Yothers, Edward James Olmos
Episode 8
"Starvin Marvin"
The boys order a Teiko digital sports watch on Stans moms credit card in a TV giveaway. Meanwhile, Mr. Garrison conducts a Thanksgiving food drive, the head of the South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch messes with turkey production, and the boys show-and-tell a starving African child (mistakenly delivered instead of the sports watch) as the pissed-off, exponentially growing, experimental gobblers attack the town. Cartman is mistakenly exiled to a foodless, fly-ridden existence in Africa by black-suited agents in sunglasses, only to uncover a gluttonous Sally Struthers chowing down. The mayor dreams up a grab-a-can food gimmick starring Kenny, and Chef battles the mutant turkeys. "Starvin Marvin" returns triumphant and turkey-laden to Africa, switching places with a none-the-better-off Cartman, while Kennys poor family grapples with their no-can-opener existential dilemma.
Helpful reference: Braveheart, the letterbox version; Book of Job
Kennys C.O.D.: pecked to death by mutant turkeys
Moral: "Its really easy not to think of images on TV as real people, but they are. Thats why its easy to ignore those commercials, but people on TV are just as real as you and I" - Stan
Special Guest Star references: Sally Struthers, Engelbert Humperdinck, Charles Dickens, Vanessa Redgrave, McGyver
Episode 9
"Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo"
Offended by the blatant religious overtones in the Christmas play and incensed that Kyle has been cast as Joseph - delivering a purple Jesus fetus from a moaning Wendy Testaburger - Kyles bitch-for-a-mom rallies the townspeople against the play...and Christmas. In a feeble attempt to please his mother, placate the townspeople, and thus put a stop to songs such as "Kyles Moms a Big Fat Bitch in D Minor," Kyle suggests that the perfect non-offensive and non-denominational Christmas icon is Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo, who doesnt discriminate by faith, just by fiber. Diagnosed as a clinically depressed fecalphiliac and nuttier than Chinese chicken salad, Kyle is committed as townspeople tear down insufficiently PC decorations. Mr. Garrison stages the most secular and avant-garde Christmas play ever, prompting an riot. Occult-loving Chef reveals that Mr. Hankey is indeed real. Inspired by faith, Mr. Hankey springs to life, sings a song, and saves Christmas as he leads South Park in a candlelit vigil outside Kyles cell.
Helpful references: A Charlie Brown Christmas, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Jiminy Cricket, Al Jolson
Kennys C.O.D.: None. In an unprecedented turn, Kenny miraculously survives both electrocution and shark attack.
Moral: "Jewish people are okay." - Stan
Special Guest Star reference: Philip Glass
Additional research by Victoria DeSilverio
======================== If a billion people believe in a stupid idea, it is still stupid.
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