If anyone has any comments, criticisms, complaints, praise or your two cents about this fanfic -- or any my past ones -- please feel free to tell me.
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South Park: Boys In Coats
[A spacecraft lands near Stark's Pond. The hatch opens and a Visitor, dressed in strange clothes and wearing a lot of bizzare make-up, comes out with a ray-gun. Two joggers pass by and see the Visitor.]
Jogger #1: Holy Shit! It's a runway model!
Jogger #2: No way. She's not skinny enough.
Jogger #1: Oh, yeah, you're right.
[The Visitor blasts both joggers with her ray-gun and turns them into giant carrots.]
Jogger #2: See, I told you so.
Jogger #1: Whoa, this sucks.
[Chef's house.]
Chef: Damn woman, I told you I'm not into that!
Ms. Cartman: How do you know, Chef, unless you give it a try.
[Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman walk by.]
Cartman: I wonder what my mah is doing at Chef's house?
Kenny: Mmmmphmhghrphmm?
Cartman: Ay! That's not my mah's pimp. He lives downtown.
[They all stare at him.]
Cartman: Errr, I mean . . . my mah doesn't have a pimp.
Stan: If you say so, fat boy. <starts giggling>
[Kyle and Kenny follow suit. Soon all three are wiping the tears from their eyes.]
[Two giant carrots jog by and no one sees them, except for Cartman.]
Cartman: Hey, did you guys just see two giant carrots go by?
Stan: Were they being chased by a giant salid bowl?
Cartman: Oh, Ha . . . Ha. I'm serious, you guys. <pointing> Look! There they are!
[Stan, Kyle and Kenny look and see where Cartman is pointing. Sure enough, two giant carrots turn into the driveway beside Chef's house. They stop and wave at the kids before going inside.]
[The boys are wide eyed.]
Stan: Maybe I should start begging my parents to move away from this fucked up town.
Kyle: I don't what scares me more: Cartman telling the truth or the two giant carrots.
Kenny: Mmmmggrrgpmmmmmm.
Ms. Cartman: What look's like giant dildoes?
Cartman: What are you doing at Chef's house, mah?
Ms. Cartman: Ohhh, nothing.
[She walks away. Chef comes out to meet them.]
Chef: Hello, children.
Boys: Hey Chef!
Chef: How are you doing today?
Boys: Bad.
Chef: Why bad?
Stan: We just two giant carrots go into the house next door.
[They walk next door and Chef knocks on the door.]
Jogger #1: Oh, hey Chef. What can I do for you?
Chef: You know your a giant carrot, right?
Jogger #1: Sure, a Visitor shot us with a ray-gun at Stark's Pond.
Stan: Visitors! Holy shit!
Jogger #1: Yeah, that's what we said.
[Chef's house.]
[Chef is pacing in front of the boys.]
Chef: This is bad, children.
Boys: Why bad?
Chef: Because I'm responsible for that freaked out Visitor.
[Start the flashback machine.]
[A younger Chef is in bed with the female Visitor.]
Young Chef: Well, that was different.
Visitor: All the females on my world will love you, Jerome.
Young Chef: I can't leave Earth. It's my home.
Visitor: Ohhhhh, I see now. You Earth men are all the same. First, you get a piece of alien ass then you don't want anyhthing to do with us. Well, I'll get revenge for every female you ever screwed.
[Stop the flashback machine.]
Chef: So you see children, all of South Park is doomed because I'm good in bed. <takes deep breath.> Well, only I can save this miserable little town. I'm going to . . .
Stan: You're going to whore yourself to an entire planet?
Kyle: You're going to run for your life?
Kenny: Mmmmmmphmghrmm?
Stan: Um, Kenny, I don't think if Chef gave you his little black book it would help the situation.
Kenny: <shrugs>
Cartman: You might want to give away all your Cheesy Poofs and Creamy Pies and Snacky Cakes and Pot Pies and Chocolate Doodles to some one very close to you. You know, so they don't spoil. Some one who is in this very room. Some one who is very hungry. Some one who is . . .
Stan: Cartman!
Cartman: Hey Chef, you should listen to Stan.
Kyle: Will you quit thinking about you're stomach for one ~GOD DAMN~ minute!
Chef: Children, please. I must do what I have to.
[Chef leaves.]
Cartman: Where's the kitchen?
[Downtown South Park.]
[Everyone is a carrot except for Chef and Officer Barbrady. Chef walks by Barbrady, who is yelling, "There's nothing to see here!"]
[The boys see Chef go up to the female Visitor. Chef says something, but the boys can't here what he said.]
Stan: I think Chef is leaving.
Kyle: Dude, who will help us with our problems if he leaves?
[Shot of Mr. Garrison, Mr. Mackey, Principle Victoria, Officer Barbrady, the boy's parents.]
Kyle: Man, I never realized that we don't have any role models. Chef can't leave!
Stan: We won't let that happen!
Cartman: Totally, dude!
Kenny: Mmmghtphmmmmmm.
[The music from "Men In Black" starts to play. We see the boys getting dressed in black outfits. Cartman puts a black hat over his usual one.]
Kyle: Cartman! We're supposed to by paroding "Men in Black", not the "Blues Brothers".
Cartman: Ohhh, yeah, you're right.
[Cartman takes off the hat and slings it. It barely misses Kenny's neck.]
Kenny: Mmmmmphmgrpmmmm!!
Cartman: Sorry, Kenny.
Stan: If you two are done playing with each other, maybe we can get to finally get to kick some ass!
[The walk down the center of the street. Each is holding a big ass silver gun. They blast any giant carrot they see. The carrots turn back into regular South Park citizen. After many mintues, they finally reach Stark's Pond.]
Stan: Alright you alien bitch, we want our Chef back this minute.
Visitor: You can't have him, you little kitten fuckers! He's my property now and there nothing you can do about it.
[She aims her ray-gun at the boys and fires. Stan, Kyle and Cartman dodge in time, but Kenny isn't so lucky. Big suprise there. A familiar rabbit runs on the scene and attacks Kenny.]
Stan: Oh, my God! Bugs Bunny killed Kenny!
Kyle: That wascally wabbit!
Cartman: Uhh, guys, I think we have a bigger problem.
[The female Visitor slugs Chef over and boards her ship.]
Stan: Oh, no you don't!
[Stan runs and tackles her around the ankles. The Visitor back hands him and he flies into a dumbster.]
Kyle: <helping Stan from the dumpster> Dude, she's too strong for us.
Stan: Who would have thought that a seven foot tall alien was stronger than an eight year old.
Cartman: What do we do?
Kyle: I have an idea.
[Kyle whispers his idea to the others.]
Stan: I hope you know what your doing?
Kyle: Me too. Remember don't let her on her ship or Chef will be lost to us forever!
[Kyle sneaks around the ship and boards it.]
Stan: <to the visitor> Hey, you out of town whore! I got something for you!
[The Visitor turns and sees Stan grabbing his crotch.]
Stan: That's right, sweet heart, right here!
[The Visitor starts back down the ramp.]
Stan: Maybe you can use that big mouth of yours for something other than eating!
Cartman: Where'd you learn to talk like that!
[No time for a reply as the Visitor leaps at the boys. She grabs Stan and Cartman around the throat and lifts them into the air.]
Stan: This is it.
Cartman: Before we go to the great Cheesy Poof factory in the sky, I want to tell you something.
Stan: Please, don't say you love me.
Cartman: No, I just wanted to say that the last time I was over at your house, I used your toothbrush . . . .
Stan: That's alright. I forgive you, Cartman.
Cartman: . . . . to scratch my ass-crack.
[Stan turns green at the thought of where is toothbrush has been. Stan starts gagging, then shoots vomit on the Visitor's face. The Visitor releases the boys just as Kyle emerges from the spaceship.]
Kyle: Dude, we're all set.
[Stan is on his hands and knees, vomiting.]
Kyle: What's that bitch done to Stan?
Cartman: Uhhh, she told us she was going make us watch our parents make sweet love down by the fire.
[Kyle falls to his knees and vomits.]
Cartman: <thinking> Good thing I din't tell Stan that I had diarrhea at the time.
[The Visitor comes at them.]
Cartman: Guys, quit your puking and start running!
[He grabs Stan and Kyle by the collar and yanks them along. The Visitor steps in Stan and Kyle's vomit puddle and starts to . . . .]
Stan: <wiping the vomit drool from his mouth> Look! She's melting!
[The visitor struggles free of the vomit pool and boards her ship. Chef and the boys run as the ship lifts off and heads into the sky. Then the ship explodes in a huge fire ball.]
Stan: Cool!
Kyle: That totally kicked ass!
Cartman: Sweet!
Chef: Who's hungry?
[End.]