Written over a caffine high as I sit in my home in "The 7th Layer of Hell," as Damien puts it. About 2 hours time. I hope you feel it to be as heartwarming as I did.
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South of the Net
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Timeline: Right around the time of Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo.
The place: South Park
Dramatis Personae: Kyle, Kenny, Stan, Eric, along with a small spporting cast.
The Scene: The Bus Stop, Dec 26.
Stan: DUDES! This was one of the best Christmases EVER! I got a COMPUTER!
Kyle: Sure, Stan. Rub it in. <bleep>ing Dreidel.
Cartman: It SUCKED! I didn't get that Ultra-Vibe Pleasure 2000! All I got was some sorry-assed box that my mah calls "Web TV."
Kyle: Did you ever find out what that Ultra-thingy was, anyway?
Cartman: No. Mah said something about a "Gift for Herself."
Kenny: <Mumbles>
All: Well, what is it?
Kenny: <Mumbles>
Stan: Dude, that's SICK! A battery operated...
Cartman: You're full of crap! A plastic fireman?
Kyle: Fireman? Dude... what?
Cartman: Nevermind.
Kenny: <mumbles>
Kyle: You're right... this IS stupid. What are we doing at the bus stop during Christmas break? Let's go to Cartman's house.
Kyle: Dude... this Web TV is kinda cool!
Cartman: It's OK. What's neat is I can do all sorts of stuff with this EMail thingy. See, I send a picture of Terrance and Philip out with every message I send. And they fart on each other while someone's reading my messages! And I can do this thingy here so that anyone who reads my EMail can hear this song I like to send to everyone!
All: COOL!
Stan: Send me an EMail, Cartman!
Cartman: Heh heh... what's your address?
Stan: Ummmmm... it's uhhhhh... oh YEAH! LuvWendy at AOL dot com.
Cartman: Heh! What kind of wussy name is that?
Kyle: What's yours, fatass? Cheesypoof?
Cartman: Ay!
Kenny: <mumbles>
Cartman: Well, that was already taken, so (mumble mumble mumble)
All: What?
Cartman: Heeeeeeeey! Look here... a newsgroup!
Kyle: What's a newsgroup?
Stan: It's a place where a bunch of people can get together and talk about things they like. It's got a lot of specialized groups. I read alt.tv.terrance-and-philip a lot. I've written there, too.
Cartman: Weeeell. Can we see what people say in there?
Stan: Sure. Gimme the keyboard for a minute. Hey, where's the mouse?
Cartman: You don't use it like that, dumb<bleep>. You use the keyboard to move the little arrow around.
Mrs. C: Eric? Please watch your language.
Cartman: Mah! We got any food in here?
Mrs. C: I'll be making your favorite, Chocolate Chicken Pot Pie, in a little while. Mommy has an important visitor coming first, though.
Cartman: Aaaayyy! Dammit, Mah, I'm hungry!
Mrs. Cartman: Eric... DON'T... BE... DIFFICULT. Mommy's trying to get ready right now.
Kenny: <Mumbles>
Cartman: Shut up, you poor piece of crap! <Kenny hits Cartman in the back of the head> Stan: Here it is. And here's something I wrote, too! Cool!
Subject: HI
Author: LuvWendy
Newsgroup: alt.tv.terrance-and-phillip
HEY GUYS TERACNE AND PHILIP RULE!!!!!!11!!!!!!11! IF YOU THINK SO
TOOO, WRITE ME[email]
Kyle: Dude... is that a discussion or what?
Cartman: Yeah, heh, I can do better than that.
Stan: Oh yeah, fatass? Go ahead.
Cartman: Okay, you illiterate piece of AOL crap!
Stan: I'm going over to my house to see this!
Kenny/Kyle: Me too! (Author's note: Kenny mumbled this.)
Cartman: I'll be over as soon as I'm done.
outfit and answers the door. Several people with photography equipment are waiting.
Mrs. C: Oh, THERE you are... I was wondering if you had cancelled on me!
Photog: No ma'am, we at Cra... uh, CW magazine never miss an opportunity to shoot our favorite dirty little sl.... uh, SUBJECT.
Mrs C: Eric, why don't you be a good Mommy's boy and go on over to Stan's house now?
Cartman: <Whining> But Mah, I want some choc...
Mrs C: NOW, ERIC!
Cartman: God Dammit! I can't even write a stinking EMail! OK, save this... Hey! You guys! Wait up for me!
Later still... at Stan's house...
Stan: OK, let me turn this thing on.
Kenny: <mumbles>
Kyle: It's an inanimate object, Kenny! Jesus H. Christ!
Kenny: <mumbles a hysterical laugh>
Stan: Okay, there. Now... on to the internet!
Kyle: Dude... that ico-thingy just says America Online.
Stan: Trust me.
Kyle: Whatever... just get there!
Stan: OK... it's loading now.
Later......
Computer: Welcome! <pause> You've got mail!
Stan: OK, let me check that before we go see what fatass said.
Cartman: AAAY! Shut your <bleep>ing mouth 'fore I kick you in da nuts!
Kyle: Hey Cartman, do you need any more proof that your mom's a total slut?
Cartman: What the hell are you talking about?
Kenny: <Mumbles>
Cartman: Yeah?
Kenny: <Mumbles some more>
Cartman: Yeah, what's that costume got to do with it?
Kyle: Cartman, your mom was posing for another spread in Crack Whore!
Cartman: SHUT THE HELL UP! YOU JUST SHUT YOUR <bleeping>...
Stan: Dudes... we're here... and here's Cartman's message... let me load it up.
Kyle: Hey Stan, you have any snacky cakes?
Cartman: Heeeeeey, Snacky Cakes DOES sound pretty SWEET!
Stan: Man, this message is taking forever... you want a snacky cake, Kenny?
Kenny: <Mumbles>
Stan: OK, suit yourself...
All go to the kitchen but Kenny, who stares at the computer, waiting on the message.
In the kitchen...
Cartman: Hey, guys, it's time for Terrance and Philip!
Others: Cool, let's go watch it!
30 Minutes later...
Stan: Dammit, where's Kenny?
Cartman: We left him in your room with the computer.
Stan: Great, I bet he hit all the porn sites on the web, that bastard.
Cartman: What's that?
Kyle: A note from Kenny. It reads... "I couldn't handle the wait any longer."
Stan: <bleep>
room, a mousecord tied up into a crude noose around Kenny's neck
Stan: Oh my GOD... Kenny killed himself!
Kyle: (Author's note: Do I REALLY need to say it?)
Stan: Look, Cartman's message is STILL loading... but we got part of it...
Subject: Re: HI
Author: Mrs. Cartman
Newsgroup: alt.tv.terrance-and-philipYOU ILITERIT PEICE OF CRAP. HAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!
SIGNED: ERIC CARTMEN
Stan: You're such a <bleep>ing dumbass, Cartman.
--------fin 3 June 1998