Found this on the mailing list for the Canadian supergroup, Rush.
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Hey Rush-Heads! This is real damn long!
I must say, subscribing to this list is a challenge indeed. I was hoping to have a week or so to work on this, but after one Cheesey Poof line from our Rush-manager & somebody else looking for Rush on South Park, I had to put off actual work & crank this out before somebody beat me to it.
Great Minds Thinking Alike!!
As always, apologies to those offended by the language contained herein, and any grammatical, spelling, or factual errors pertaining to names of characters. In no way is this an attempt to gain economically or monetarily from the show "South Park", (Wednesday nights at 10pm/9 central on Comedy Central) This was written with a basic knowledge of South Park & it's characters, and the presumption of Kenny having a foul, over-the-top mouth is indeed taken here. Apologies for not finding a way to work the cute little girl into this episode. It was tough enough to fit the mayor in....
So do please, enjoy:
The Rush Episode of South Park.
Open with Stan, Kyle and Kenny waiting for the bus. Cartman walks up , listening to a cranked-up walkman singing/schreeching:
EC: We are the geeks... with the pimples... And earrings. Ou-wer great bazookas... fill marshmellow walls... Stan: Dude, what is that?" EC: (holding up a cassette box) It's this new band called 'Bush'. Kyle: Wow. A band named after a chick's nads. Cool. Lemme listen. EC: No way! Get yer own Kyle: Calm down, fattass, it's only for a second.
Kyle takes the headphones and puts them on. Stan leans over to listen in.
Kyle: Cartman, what enormously huge rock have you been hiding under?! Stan: Dude, that's 'Rush', not 'Bush'. Bush sucks.Your cassette's all worn out & the 'R' looks like a 'B'. EC: Well, goddammit, how the hell am I suppose to know!!? Kyle: These guys are like, older than dirt, dude. Stan: Yeah, but they're really cool. Kenny: Ymm, bmm trr dmr tks. Stan: WHAT?!?! Kyle: Dude, are you HIGH?!? Stan: Neil Peart is like, the best drummer of all time! And he does all their words, too. EC: Yeah, Kenny, what's wrong with you?! Kenny: Fkn rss ffnns. Llll d tme. EC: Oh, yeah? Well if they suck so bad, how come they're coming to South Park to play a concert? Kyle: NO WAY! Stan: WHAT?!? Totally Cool! Kenny: Fk yym rt ck mhmhs
The bus pulls up, the boys climb on, glared at by the evil bus driver. Taking their seats, Cartman puts the walkman back on, hits play & starts singing again.
EC: We're baking bread with berry things,
the worms you dig, the dogs that squeal,
the bitches that bring pleasure to your thiiiiighs!!!!Kyle: Cartman, shut the hell UP! Stan: Oh, christ on a freaking crutch. Bus Driver: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?! Stan: I said I forgot my lunch! Bus Driver: Oh. Stan (under his breath): You fat bitch.
The boys get to school & go to class.
Stan: Mr. Hand, can we take a day off to go see Rush when they come to town? Mr. Hand: What?!?! Whole class: Wow! Cool! Yeah! Rush is coming, Rush is Coming! Kenny: Th zzk! Kyle: Screw you, Kenny! Mr. Hand: Oh, dear... this is a pickle. OK children, gather round. Mr Hand's going to tell you a story. Once upon a time, long ago in the suburbs of Toronto, the horrible evil that is Rush was born. Whole class: Oooooh... Aahhhhh. Stan, to Kyle: I've got a bad feeling about this, dude.
Mr. Hand continues, with twisted flashback animation.
Mr. Hand: The success that Rush has achieved can only be attained one way, boys and girls: a human sacrifice to the Devil himself. See, Gary Weinribbs and Alexander Bogdonovich were playing Zeppelin tunes in their basement in 1971 with their sucky drummer John Rutsey. Then in a big flash, Satan appeared�. But only to Gary and Alex. He told them if they ever wanted to amount to anything, they had to kill their drummer right there. If they did it, he said, he's give them riches and rock & roll immortality!! Whole class: Oooooooo. Mr. Hand: So lickety-split, they bashed poor Johnny's skull in with their beater Fender Squire guitars. And suddenly... POOF! Neil Peart, servant of the Unholy netherworld appeared & said "Guys, I think we need a different lyrical direction..." And the rest is history.
Stan: Mr. Hand, you don't really think... Mr. Hand: Never mind Stan, you kids just remember one thing: Rush stands for 'Ruin Under Satan's Hand', and don't you forget it! Kenny: M td ww dmm zzsz
Bell rings, kids go to lunch. They are depressed from Mr. Hand's turning the class against their musical heroes. They stare at their food, but nobody eats except Kenny. Chef walks up.
Chef: Hello, children! Stan, Kyle, EC: Hi chef. Chef: What's wrong, boys? The chopped steak on mashed potatoes with gravy isn't that bad, is it? Stan: Naw. We're just bummed because Rush is coming to town & everybody thinks they're... Chef: WHAT?!?! Say that again, boy! Kyle: What, that Rush is coming... Chef: My GOD, I don't believe it! RUSH! HERE?!
Chef starts shaking with excitement, thrilled at the prospect.
Chef: Children, you have no idea how long I've been prayin' & waitin'. Oh, lord almightly, Rush is comin to town!!
(funky bass line starts)
Chef: I can't hold it in, children, I've got to sing!!
Disco lights come on, Barry White sex music starts. Chef Sings:
Chef: Ooooooh, Geddy Lee,
How I wanna lay you down...
And caress your heavenly bah-dahay!
Kyle: Holy Crap!
Stan: What the...?!
Chef: Ooooooh, Geddy Lee,
You don't know how I've waited to see,
How about you & me...
Stan: I... I... I think I'm gonna PUKE!
Kyle: Uh... Chef?
Chef: (building) ...Gettin toge-he-thur...
Stan: Yo, Chef!!
Chef (hitting the high point) "AND MAKE SWEET LOOOO..."
Stan: HOLY CRAP, CHEF, SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!
Chef: Huh, what? What's wrong children! Don't you like Rush?
EC: Ooohhhh, I am gonna puke!
Stan: Dude, Geddy Lee is a man!!!!Chef stands there & looks dumb-founded.
Kyle: Yeah, chef. Stan is right. You didn't think any WOMAN with a nose like that would be caught in public, did you? Chef: But... but the hair. That beautiful, flowing hair! Kyle: I'm outta here, man. This is depressing. Kenny, to Chef: Dn b mmkn n mh rr, mo mrmr.
The boys are walking to the busstop, when the police officer drives up in his patrol car. He has a huge smile on his face. When he stops, the mayor pops her head up from below the dashboard.
Mayor: Oh! Oh, my. Hello boys. All: Hi, mayor! Cop: Say, you boys wouldn't know anything about a band of satan worshippers roaming the area, would you? Kenny: U mn ts fkrs n msh? Stan: Shut up, Kenny! Mayor: Now children, we only have your safety in mind. If these animals, these twisted psychopaths masquerading as real musicians ever get anywhere near our little town... EC (pissed off) ARRIGHT, GODDAMMIT, STOP BAGGIN' ON RUSH!! Stan: You tell 'em, Cartman! Cop: Now see here, young man... EC: The only reason I bought the tape in the first place was this cool star logo thing with the naked guy on it! I thought there might be... You know... naked chicks on the inside. Kyle: Oh, great. Stan: (scared) No, wait... You don't mean... EC: Yes, I'm sorry. I don't think Rush is coming to play a concert, either. Stan: (sad) Oh, man. This sucks. Kyle: GODDAMMIT, CARTMAN!!! If Rush ever does come to town, they'll probably say 'Gee what a nice place to play... if only there was room for us next to Eric Cartman's BIG FAT ASS!!!!!! Kenny: Gd. Mw mb y dmzzzs ll tp zszng t ft zht. Cop: OK. Well there's no more to see here. So, Mayor why don't you keep...
Suddenly, an enormous 18-wheeler with a gigantic RUSH logo on the side plows into the cop car, smashing it out of frame. The truck grinds to a halt.
Stan & Kyle: Whoooaaa!!!! EC: Kickass!!!
The truck rolls forward, and a long, black limousine pulls up right in front of the boys. They stare wide-eyes at it, then look at each other with huge smiles. A back window rolls down, and Geddy Lee sticks his head out.
Geddy: Hey, guys. How's it goin?
Stan: Totally cool! Kyle: How's it going, Geddy? Geddy: Oh, we're OK. What's wrong with your friend there? EC (frozen and trance-like) Ged-dy. Geddy Lee. You are the best bassist in the universe. I am your faithful servant. Geddy: OK. Whatever, guys. Could you tell us how to get to Denver?
Stan & Kyle look confused for just a moment. Suddenly the sun roof bursts open and a blonde head pops up.
Alex: YYYAAAAAAAA!!!! Behold, mortals!! I am the allmighty guitar God Lerxt the Magnificent, King of Schmengland, Ruler of all the world!! Ah, ha ha ha ha ha! Where's my damn drink.?! Woooooooooooo! Beeeeeelllllllch. Fffaaaaarrrrt.
Kyle & Stan: Totally Cool!!!! Geddy: Wow. We've been in this limo forever. Alex really needs his medication. Stan: Dude, is Neil in there? Geddy: Uh, no. He should be right... yeah, here he is right now.
Without warning a BMW motorcycle whizzes through the frame, top speed, striking Kenny. As Neil roars off into the distance, Kenny's body parts slowly fall back down to the earth in the road, where numerous rats scurry up & devour him.
Kyle: Oh my God!! Neil Killed Kenny! YOU BASTARD!!!!! Geddy: Ah, crap. Sorry about that guys. Look... Here's 3 front-row tickets and backstage passes to our show tomorrow night in Denver. I'll look for you, OK? Stan, Kyle & EC: WOW!! Thanks Geddy. Geddy: Bye, guys!
The limo speeds off, leaving the 3 friends to contemplate their tickets and passes.
EC: Say... he's pretty cool for a Satan worshipper. Stan: GADDAMMITT CARTMAN, HE'S NOT�. Wow. You know, I just can't stay mad at Cartman knowing we're going to go see Rush tomorrow Kyle : Yeah! Lets go to Cartman's place. You got cheesey poofs, Cartman? EC: Yeah, I got cheesey poofs!!
They walk off.
Stan: Tomorrow's going to rock! EC: A Rush concert... Kickass!
THE END
A post script, for the South Park challenged & those who wish they knew for sure...
Kenny's lines, in order of delivery: Yeah but their drummer sucks. Fuckin Rush fans, all the same Fuck you art-rock motherfuckers. They suck I told you dummasses. Don't be looking at my hair, you homo. You mean those fuckers in Rush? Good. Now maybe you dummasses will stop listening to that shit.
Enough. I need me some Cheesey Poofs.
Pete Mills
"The good ones borrow. The great ones steal outright"