You Can't Spell 'Analyze' Without Anal Chapter IV of V: What's up with Pip? The Visitors Strike Back
This one may seem a little long, but I guarantee that's it's good! (I hope...) From the sub-title, you can tell it's yet another 'visitors return' fanfic, but this one I've been building up to, and, I do it with that 'davester touch.'
A recap of The first three chapters is in order, I guess.
Stan found one night that he was having strange dreams about Cartman saving the world. When he looked again at the strange device found at Terrance and Phillip studios, he was shocked to see a visitor. Meanwhile, Cartman had been having visions of Visitors, too. Later, the scamps were shrunk and attacked by Lego beings brought to life by... Visitors?! Finally, while South Park was under seige by bloodthirsty rats, Cartman was abducted by Visitors and the true nature of what had been going on was revealed: Visitors were going to invade Earth. Oh, yeah, and Wendy broke up with Stan (a soap opera! Horror, horror!)
---------- Garrison's Room ---------- Mr. Garrison: OK, Children, once again it is time for show and tell, so, let's have Stan go first. Stan: I have these flowers. Mr. Garrison: Oh, yes. Flowers. Nice. There's lots you can do with flowers! Stan (looking directly at Wendy): If anybody *wants* these, as an *apology,* and will stop being *mad* at me, I'd be **happy.**
(Wendy turns and looks out the window)
Stan: I don't know why I even try. (He throws his flowers to Mr. Garrison)
Mr. Garrison: Dammit! I'm allergic to these! Ah, ah, *achooo*!!!! Mr. Hat: Thanks, you stupid kid! Now, does anybody have something *worthy* of Mr. Garrison and me?! Pip (in a very monotone voice): I DO!!!! Mr. Garrison: No need to shout! I'm right here. Mr. Hat: What a moron! (Pip points at Mr. Hat and he bursts into flames) Mr. Garrison: No!!! You little bastard!!! Pip: I have this severed goat's head to show. Each of you will be like this unless you join my army of the Visitors!!! Stan: Holy crap dude!! (Mr. Garrison runs out of the room) Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat! You won't leave me, will you?
---------- The Bus Ride Home ---------- Stan: Dude, what was up with Pip at school today? Kyle: I dunno, but something weird is going on here. Pip just isn't himself. (Shot of Pip: He's foaming at the mount) Cartman: Maybe he's constentrated! Ms. Crabtree: QUIET BACK THERE! I HAVE TO LISTEN FOR THE TRAAAAAAAAIN!!! Kyle: Cartman, what the hell is that? Cartman: It's like, when it hurts to take a dump! Kenny: Mmmp mmm mmmppph mppph! (Stan, Kyle and Kenny start laughing) Cartman: Ay! Why would my ass be wider than yours? Kenny: Mmmp mmpm mmmp! Cartman: AY! I am not a bobopectural! I don't even know what that means!! Ms. Crabtree: I SAID SHUT UUUUUUUUUUPPPP!!!!! Kenny: Maybe he's possed! Stan: Who? Kyle: PIP!!! (Ms. Crabtree turns around) Ms. Crabtree: LISTEN UP!! I have to HEAR THE TRAIN!! Kyle: You'd be able if you stopped yelling, you stupid dumbass ho! Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID Y-
(A train comes out of nowhere, and hits the bus. The back part flies through the air, while the front part bursts into flames. Our four scamps, along with Pip and some other 'nameless' kids, are tossed into a graveyard.)
Stan: Owww! Where the hell are we? Pip: Gentlemen, I have a proposition for you. Kyle: What do you want, Pip? Pip: As you probably guessed, I am not Pip. Cartman: Well, then who the hell are you? Pip's the only annoying dumbass French kid *I* know. Pip: I am Number 6.27, assistant to the Head Vistor!
(Whenever "Number 6.27" is said, weird 'twilite zone' music plays.)
Stan: What kinda stupid name is that? Ha! NUmber 6.27!
Pip: Silence! I have possed your friend. If you want him back,
you will join my Visitor army and help me and the Visitors rule all!!
Kyle: Why dude? This planet sucks, anyway, and so does our military.
Pip: I did not know this! I must report it.
Cartman: Nice going dumbass, tell the assistant to lord of all Visitors
evil that our military sucks!
(Screams play, and a red 'ghost' leaves Pip's head. Moments
later, Pip's head explodes)
Stan: Oh my god! NUmber 6.27 killed Pip!
(Everybody else): Cool!!!---------- Police Station ---------- Barbrady: Allright, then what happened? Stan: Just like we said, dude. His head exploded because this Visitor thingy named Number 6.27 inhabited him.
(Barbrady gives him a blank stare)
Kyle: Dude, it's the truth.
Barbrady: Well, kids, I'm gonna have to keep you here overnight
for questioning.
Cartman: Goddammit! How am I s'posed to eat when I'm in a prison
cell?!
Barbrady: Well, we only offer the finest cuisine in our prison.(Shot of behind the police station)
Cook Dude #1: Uh, we need more food for the prisoners.
Cook Dude #2: What prisoners? Nobody's been in jail here
in South Park for thirty years.
Cook Dude #1: Well, we have to give Barbrady something.
Cook Dude #2: How about some of my cat's cat food?
Cook Dude #1: Okay. Barbrady just throws this crap away in the
morning, anyway.(Back in the police station) Stan: But we didn't *do* anything! Barbrady: Okay, nothing to see here, you will be escorted to your cells. Kyle: Goddammit!
---------- Jail Cell ----------
(The scamps are led to the cell. Chef is sitting inside)
Stan: Dude! What're *you* doing here, Chef.
Chef: Uh, I got drunk and punched Mr. Garrison at the hospital.
Kyle: Really? Cool!
Chef: Yeah. I was drunk when I came to visit Mr. Hat, and Mr.
Garrison and I got into a fight.
Barbrady: Okay now, dinner time!
Scamps: Mmmmmm!
(They eat it- and fast)
Kyle: C'mon Chef, try some!
Cartman: Yeah! It tastes like my cat's food.
Stan: Cartman!!! How the hell would you know what cat food
tastes like?
Cartman: Well, one time I was sleeping and it kinda fell
into my mouth!
Kenny: That's the biggest load of sh*t I ever heard!
Kyle: That makes a noise?
(Loud explosion outside)
Stan: Whoa! What was that?!
Kyle: Maybe Cartman farted.
Cartman: Ay! That does it! C'mere and I'll whup ya to next
Wednesday!
Kenny: Guys! Look outside!
(The four scamps and Chef look out the window)
Stan: Oh, no! Number 6.27's army is destroying South Park! And
we're stuck in here!(That's what's happening. An army of Visitor warriors is busy destroying all of South Park)
Visitor Warrior #1: The boss says that this gas will kill all humans in the area, unless- Visitor Warrior #2: Never mind that! Just use the spell. Visitor Warrior #1: Okay. (He punches buttons on a weird remote control)
(Everybody that isn't already dead drops dead)
(Back inside the jail cell) Stan: Dude! How come we didn't die? Chef: I have no fudging idea. Kyle: Well, we just can't let them destroy South Park! You have to help, Chef! Chef: How do we get out?
(A giant explosion rocks the jailhouse. From the smoke emerges Mr. Garrison)
Stan: Oh, sh[bleep]t! He's come to finish us off!
(Commercial, Part 1)
Stan: Stay away from me, Garrison! You're an asshole! Mr. Garrison: Hurry, I've come to save you! Kyle: What from, dude? Mr. Garrison: The Visitor Invasion Force! Chef: Well, c'mon, let's get outta here!
(They start running down the street) Stan: Uh, Mr. Garrison, where exactley are we going? Mr. Garrison: To an underground base! Kyle: Why? Mr. Garrison: There are other survivors!
(They keep running)
---------- Back in South Park ---------- Visitor Warrior #1: Why, exactley, are we attacking the smallest town in existance? V.W. #2: I dunno, Number 6.27 insisted. Something about 'finally eradication this dumb town.' V.W. #2: This is where our transmitter unit was located, right? V.W. #1: Yeah, after our operative at Terrance and Phillip Studios was captured and his transmitter was taken by the Earth Children. Visitor Head Honcho: OK, good job. You have killed everybody except for about 11 beings. Very good job. V.W. #2: Yup. We're so cool. Visitor HH: NO YOU'RE NOT!!! YOU IDIOTS!!! Among those ten is the CHOSEN ONE!!! V.W. #1: Eleven. Visitor HH: WHATEVER! THe chosen one is the only one who can stop our wrath! V.W. #2: Uh, boss, you haven't been smoking any earthling plants, have you? Visitor HH: No, you stupid retard!
---------- The woods ---------- Mr. Garrison: Here we go, the secret base.
(Mr. Garrison punches a button hidden on a tree and the ground splits open. As they turn to enter, a gun points toward them)
Jimbo: Who goes there? Mr. Garrison: It's us, dumbass! Geeze! Jimbo: Sorry, you can never be too careful! Stan: Who are the other survivors? Jimbo: Well, let's see. With the five of you, me and Mr. Garrison, there are eleven total. Who else? Ah, yes, Ms. Crabtree, Mr. Macki and some weirdo I don't know who... who... Anyway, you know he's gonna die. And who's number eleven? That's right! Wendy something. (Dramatic music. Zoom in on Stan) Stan: Crap! Kyle: Dude, she's gonna make life a living Hell for you! Cartman: Ms. Crabtree or Wendy? (Speaking of the devil...) Wendy (from offscreen, coldly): Hello, Stan. Stan: Uh,... hi... Wendy. Mr. Garrison: Well, it looks like we're gonna have to draw up battle plans. C'mon, everybody. Except Stan and Wendy. You guys can, uh, plan up some... stuff... (Everybody else leaves) Wendy: I have nothing left to say to you, Stan! Stan: But, I keep telling you that- Wendy: I don't care!
---------- Another room in the underground complex ---------- Mr. Garrison: OK, we're gonna have to eradicate them all at once. Luckily, Jimbo stocked his shelter with some mighty powerful weapons, and we- Jimbo: Mr. Garrison, I should be doing this. Mr. Garrison: No you shouldn't, I'm a teacher, so I'm more qual- Mr. Macky: But you're gay, MM-KAY, so- Mr. Garrison: Dammit! I'm not gay! Jimbo: Well, I should be in charge, because- Ms. Crabtree: NOOO! I'M IN CHARGE! SIT DOWN AND SHUT UUUUUPPPP!!!!!! Jimbo: listen, you bitchy skank, I'm gonna be the boss, so keep your damn mouth shut or I'm gonna ram this gun up your ass *horizontally!!!* Kyle: Holy crap! Ms. Crabtree: Uh... yeah... OK... Jimbo: OK, stop fighting. We'll just say that Mr. Garrison acts gay. Now then, we should definately use these grenades (he continues in the background) Kyle: Dude, thsi is boring! Cartman: I know. I'm hungry. Kyle: Why are you hungry?! We just ate! You greedy fatass son of a bitch!
(The adults stop talking and look at Kyle)
Mr. Garrison: Kyle, do you need to sit in the corner?
(Commercial 2)
---------- South Park (or, the ruins of South Park) ---------- Visitor Head Honcho: We've finally done it! We've wiped this city- Visitor Warrior #1: Heh, heh. 'Wipe.' Visitor Head Honcho: - wiped this city clean from the map. Every one of our agents before us has failed, but not us- Visitor Warrior #2: Uh, boss? Visitor H.H.: Whaaaat?! Visitor Warrior #2: What about the *other* side of the street? Visitor H.H.: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
---------- Underground HQ ------- Stan: C'mon, Wendy! We can at least talk. You won't even let me- Jimbo (emerges from room): OK, let's go. Kyle: We're gonna kick some alien ass! Mr. Garrison: OK, here are the battle plans. We fly in on Jimbo's helicopter, parachute out, and blow those Alien bastards away.
(Jimbo starts passing out guns)
Jimbo: OK, everybody got some weapons? Let's go. (Jimbo opens the door)
Voice in the distance: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stan: Whoa, somebody needs to work on their anger. (They climb into the plane and it takes off)
---------- The plane ---------- Jimbo: OK, now, you be sure and not hit the dead bodies. We may be able to bring them back to life somehow. God knows Kenny does that a lot. Kenny: What? Mr. Garrison: Oh, no! Enemy vehicles! Unidentified Citizen: Shoot them!
(Closeup of Jimbo's finger as he pushes a button on a joystick. External shot: The chopper blows the UFO away)
Jimbo: Get ready to jump!
(Mr. Garrison opens the door and jumps out. The camera follows him and he opens his parachute)
Jimbo (yelling over rushing wind): OK, IF YOUR 'CHUTE DOESN'T OPEN WHEN YOU
PULL THE CORD, PULL THIS SECOND CORD. IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, PULL THE
THIRD CORD. IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, PULL THE FOURTH CORD.
Stan (yelling over wind, too): WHAT IF THAT DOESN'T WORK?
Jimbo: THEN YOU'D BETTER PRAY. FAST!
Ms. Crabtree: I'M JUST YELLING BECAUSE IT'S WHAT I DO BEST!!!!!
(One by one, they start jumping out, in this order: Stan, Cartman, Kenny,
Kyle, Wendy, Mr. Macky, the unidentified citizen and Ms. Crabtree. They begin
their
descent)Kyle: How do you like this, Cartman? Cartman: I think I'm gonna pee my panties! (Stan, Kyle and Kenny start laughing. One by one, they pull their cords and their parachutes open up.) Stan: Open your parachute, Kenny! (Kenny pulls the cord. Nothing happens) Kyle: Try the other one! (Kenny tries that. Nothing's working) Cartman: Try the third one! (Kenny tries it. It doesn't work) Mr. Macky: Pull the last one, Kenny, *MM-KAY!** (Kenny reaches up to pull it, but they reach the ground first. Kenny leaves a cartoon-esque hole in the ground, which quickly fills with blood) Stan: Oh my god! They killed Kenny! Kyle: You bastards!
(Suddenly, Visitors pop up and surround the group)
Visitor Warrior #1: You're coming with us. And to show we mean business, we're
going to shoot that man over there (He [it?] gestures with
its head at the Unidentified Citizen. Then he shoots him).
Cartman: Crappy doodles.TO BE CONTINUED........................
Coming up: Chapter 5 of 5! The conclusion of this chapter! We all know Kenny will come back, but what will happen? Will the rest of the group be shot? Will the citizens of South Park be brought back to life and rebuild the town? Will Chef say anything else? Will Stan and Wendy get back together? Will I ever get around to writing Chapter 5? Tune in in a while for the exciting conclusion of 'You Can't Spell Analyze Without Anal!'
Well, This was longer than most. What do you guys think? I'm always looking for your opinions :)
the_ "PLEASEpleasePLEASEplease *somebody* respond" davester