This is my first ever attempt at a fan-fic. I'm hoping to become the first fic writer who can legally drive....Hope it gets in in time for the awards! There are probably a lot of spelling mistakes, but I did this in one sitting at 12:00 at night, so give me a break. I'm not going to go through the usual "Please don't suck!" routine, because I honestly don't care if it sucks. I had fun writing it. But, I'm really really desperate for SOME kind of reply to this! Here goes....
CARTMAN GOES ON A DIET
[Scene:Bus stop] [The boys are standing waiting for the bus]
Stan: Man, I'm really nervous about this test today!
Kyle: Why, Mr. Garrison said that it didn't count towards our grade.
Stan: I know, but the winner gets a savings bond!
Cartman: What's a savings bond?
Stan: Wendy said it was like money.
Cartman: SWEET!
[Bus pulls up]
Mrs. Crabtree: Well, how are my little angels doing today?
Stan: Ummm... Fine. Why?
Mrs. Crabtree: I'm just in a good mood, that's all! Now hop on!
Stan: 'k
Kyle: (whispering to Stan) Dude, what was that all about?
Stan: I don't know.
Kenny: Mmmm Mmm Mmmm Mmmmmmm
Kyle: Got some what?
Kenny: [Laughs]
[Cut to class room]
Mr. Garrison: Now, as you all know, we're taking a very important test today that will determine your whole future. This is a test in creative writing. If you make any mistakes, you will die penniless and alone with no one to love you. Just remember not to be nervous and I'm sure you'll do just fine. Now, are there any questions?
Stan: What're we having for lunch today?
[Shot of Mr. Garrison, his face turns red his eyes grow huge]
Garrison: That is enough out of you, you little turd. I don't have to put up with that.
Stan: But I....
Garrison: Stanley, If I hear one more word from you then you're going to be spending the afternoon in detention.
[Stan sits quietly]
Garrison: Now, as I was saying....[fades into background]
Kyle: Dude, what was that about?
Stan: I'm not sure...
Garrison: That is it. Stan and Kyle, you both are staying after school.
Stan: Damnit
Garrison: Now get to work, class. And keep it quiet, I'm going to try to get some sleep.
[Class concentrates on the papers in front of them] [Scene: Recess]
Kyle: I can't believe I got detention today. My mom's gonna kill me.
Cartman: Yeah, well while you two are stuck in loser-ville, I'm gonna be watching the all new Terrence and Phillip Musical.
Kyle: That's tonight?
Cartman: That's right. My mom bought me a whole case of Cheesy Poofs, too. Too bad you losers are stuck in detention. Ah, well. More Cheesy Poofs for me!
Stan: Yeah, that's just what you need. You're not nearly fat enough already.
Cartman: God Damn It. I am not fat, I am well toned.
Kyle: You're so fat, Cartman, that smaller fat people orbit around you.
Kenny: Mmm Mmmmm Mm Mmmmmm Mmmm!
[All laugh, except Cartman]
Cartman: Hey! I don't have to take that crap from a bunch of has-been hippie-nazis living vicariously through me!
Kyle: Huh?
Cartman: I'm just saying, that you can all burn in hell. That's all.
[Pip walks up]
Pip: I'm dreadfully sorry, but, um, Eric, what was that you were saying?
Cartman: To you? Nothing, you little frog.
Pip: I do believe I overheard you calling your friends Nazis, didn't I?
Cartman: That's right. So what?
Pip: Well, it's just that my parents were in London during the bombings. In fact that's how they both died. If you could just refrain from using that word around me, it's terribly offensive to me.
Cartman: So what, frenchie? I'm supposed to stop saying Nazi, just because YOU get offended? That's against my freedom of speech. What are you, a communist? Or maybe *you're* a Nazi?
Pip: All Right! That's It! I Am Sick And *BLEEP*-ing Tired Of This! You Can *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP* Because You *BLEEP* And You'll Never *BLEEP* And Your *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP* With A *BLEEP*
Kyle: Woah, dude!
Stan: I don't even know what any of that means!
Kenny: Mmmm Mmmmmmm Mmmmmmmmmmmm Mmmm
Cartman: He said WHAT about my kitty?????
[Cartman runs at Pip] [Pip, grabs Eric and hip-tosses him to the ground, then proceeds to kick him in the head. He finally stops]
Pip: I'm dreadfully sorry. I don't know what came over me!
Cartman: [GROAN] I think I'm dying!
[Scene: Hell's Pass Hospital]
Doctor: Well, it looks like you're friend's going to be fine. We ran some blood tests, and found that his cholesterol level is alarmingly high. Does he eat a lot of fatty foods?
Scamps: [GIGGLE]
Doctor: If you boys don't keep your fat little friend away from foods that are high in cholesterol and get him on a diet, he could die.
Kyle: Dude. This is pretty *BLEEP*-ed up, right here.
[Scene: The scamps are standing back at the Bus stop the next morning]
Cartman: Then that hippie doctor tried to tell me I couldn't eat any more Cheesy Poofs and that I had to lose weight!
Stan: Yeah, right. Like you could ever lose weight.
Cartman: I could do it! I just don't want to.
Kyle: Okay. I'll bet you that you can't lose two pounds by Friday.
Cartman: And what if I do?
Kyle: If you do, then we'll all admit that we were wrong and stop calling you fat.
Cartman: What if I lose?
Kyle: Then your mom has to buy us each Terrence and Philip dolls.
Kenny: Mmmm Mmmmm Mmm Mmmm Mmmm
Stan: Why would we all want cats?
Kenny: [Laughs uncontrollably]
[Scene: Classroom]
Garrison: So that is how Kerri Strug single handedly freed the slaves. Now, we have the results of yesterday's contest back already. The winner will be honored with a parade on Friday, where they will receive their Savings Bond. And that winner is..... Kenny McCormick.
Wendy: What?
Kenny: Mmmm!
[Cartman's house, that night]
Cartman: Wow. A whole day without eating anything. Except for lunch and dinner. I'll bet I've lost those two pounds already!
[steps on scale]
Cartman: What? I've lost a tenth of a pound? Are you *BLEEP*-ing kidding me?
[Walks to bed and lays down]
Cartman: This is gonna be harder than I thought.
[Next day, Bus stop]
Stan: So, Cartman, ready to give up yet?
Cartman: Ay! I don't feel the least bit hungry, so there. I'm gonna win this bet.
Kyle: Well, you've got until tomorrow to lose those two pounds.
Cartman: Oh, I'll do it. Don't you worry. And then you'll see that I'm not fat.
Stan: Yeah, whatever fat ass.
Cartman: Ay!
[Cartman's house again] [Cartman walk up. His eyes are sunken in and he is even paler than usual. He stares down at scale. Dramatic music plays in the background. Cartman takes a deep breath and steps onto scale. Cut to outside of house]
Cartman: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
[Cut back to inside of house, where Cartman is getting into bed. He closes his eyes for just a moment. When he opens them, a Cheesy Poof runs past in a blur and screams in a high-pitch voice "eat me". Then it is gone. Cartman shakes his head and tries to close his eyes again. When he opens them, another Cheesy Poof dashes by. Then, there are suddenly hundreds of Cheesy Poofs prancing around as "The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" Plays. Cartman pulls the covers over his head and sobs softly.]
[Next Morning. Cartman wakes to find his floor covered in empty Cheesy Poof boxes and his pajamas covered in crumbs]
Cartman: So that's why I haven't lost any weight! I've been... Eating in my sleep. Dear god, why does thou temp me so? Why, God, why? [He then goes into a typical Cartman-esque hissy fit]
[Scene: Bus stop. Only Cartman and Kenny are there]
Cartman: I can't believe the bus left without us. Now we're gonna have to walk to school by ourselves!
[They start on their way. Cartman looks quite a bit worse for his ordeal. He is obviously tired and mumbling about being "still hungry"]
Kenny: Mmmmm Mmmm Mmmmmmm
[Cartman stares at him with a crazy look]
Kenny: Mmmm Mm Mmmmm?
[Show view of Cartman looking at Kenny, only Kenny's head has been replaced by a giant Cheesy Poof in a hood]
Cartman: Yeah... I... Want... The.... Cheesy... Poof....
Kenny: Mmmmm?!??!?
[Cartman, lunges at Kenny and bites off the Cheesy Poof. He suddenly snaps out of it and realizes what he's done]
Cartman: (In Shatner-esque overacting) Oh.. My god! I've.. Killed Kenny!
[Cut to school bus]
Kyle: YOU BASTARD!
Stan: Huh?
Kyle: Woah, dude. I don't know. I just felt like saying it. Weird.
[Scene is the park. There is a stage set up with a banner that says "Creative Writing Contest Winner" hanging and there are people everywhere]
Mayor: Well, because of the tragic passing of today's honored guest. We will have a moment of silence.
[Silence, for about a second]
Mayor: All right, enough of that. Let's get on with the show! Accepting the prize, on behalf of his son is Mr. McCormick. He will read Kenny's creative writing out loud, so that we can all bask in it's.... Ah, hell. Just get up here, Mr. McCormick.
Mr. McCormick: Thank you mayor. First of all, I'd like to say that my son will be missed by all. Now, in his memory, I'll read this.
"No one understands the pain I feel. They torment me for being poor, but they just don't understand. No one knows how hard it is to have an alcoholic for a father. Nobody know what it's like to have him spend every dime on cheap liquor and even cheaper women. No one..."
Mr. McCormick: Ah hell, it just gets more and more depressing after that.
Mayor: Well, here is the Savings Bond that your son was supposed to win. As his guardian, you're entitled to it.
Mr. McCormick: Sweet! Think how much scotch this'll buy!
[Cut to shot of Kyle and Stan]
Stan: Wow. I guess everything worked out for the best.
Kyle: Yeah.
[Up walks Cartman. Only it's a much thinner, more handsome version of Cartman. He is eating handful after handful of Cheesy Poofs]
Cartman: Hello there, Stan. Hello there, Kyle.
Kyle: Cartman? What happened?
Cartman: I won the bet, that's what happened.
Stan: Yeah, but... How?
Cartman: Let's just say, I got by with a little help from my friends.
[Scene: Tom's Rhinoplasty]
Assistant: Hey, Tom. What do you want us to do with all this fat we sucked out of that little fat kid earlier?
Tom: Same thing we do with all the liposuctioned fat! Sell it to the Cheesy Poof factory to use as "Vegetable Oil"
[Cut back to shot of Cartman, as he shovels another handful of Cheesy Poofs into his mouth]
Fin