You Can't Spell "Analyze" Without Anal Chapter 2 Legos and Shrinking Children and Wheelchairs, Oh, My! by the_davester
Cartman seems a little meaner than usual this time... Anyway, this is the 2nd chapter, but again, this is *NOT* a two- parter.
---------- Mr. Garrison's Classroom ---------- (This is the usual classroom scene, except seated next to Stan is a kid in a wheelchair)
Mr. Garrison: So if we add the hypotneus to the square of the right traingle, we find that Bill Clinton is a liar. Stan: Mr. Garrison? Mr. Garrison: What is it, Stan? Stan: How come the kid sitting next to me isn't sitting in a desk. Mr. Garrison: Because he's in a wheelchair, you little idiot. Now then,- Stan: Mr. Garrison... Why? Mr. Garrison: Because he got hit by a car. Wheelchair Kid: Actually, I was born this way. Mr. Garrison: Well, I don't give a rat's ass, Jimmy! Wheelchair Kid: Actually, my name is Jake. Mr. Garrison: Whatever! Look, you've upset Mr. Hat!!! Jake: You're really screwed up! That isn't alive, it's a friggin' puppet! Mr. Garrison: Go out in the hall, Jake. You don't deserve to sit with us! Cartman: Look at me! I'm the human desk! Mr. Garrison: Eric- Cartman: I can frollic in the sun, I'm a desk! Mr. Garrison: Eric- Cartman: I'm invincible, even this inferior human can't stop me! Mr. Garrison: SHUT THE F[BLEEP]CK UP!!!!!!!!!!! Cartman: Huh?! (He sits down) Stan: Dude, what the hell was that?! Cartman: I don't know... seriously, I don't know... Mr. Garrison: Now then, we-
(He looks at the class. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny are leaning back in their chairs)
Mr. Garrison: Why are you boys leaning back in your chairs? Stan: It's fun, dude! Mr. Garrison: Well, knock it off. You could break your neck! Kyle: Just shut up and pretend to teach us, okay? We don't tell you how to do your job, so don't tell us how to do ours. Mr. Garrison: Well, you have a point there...
---------- The Playground -----------
Stan: Cartman! We can't play tackle football! Nobody could knock you down,
you're so damn fat!
Cartman: Approximately 2% of my body mass is fat, Spider-Man.
Kyle: What?!
Cartman: You heard me! Nobody can harm Richard Fisk, AKA the Kingpin!
Kenny (muffled): Hee hee hee! Fatass is turning fruity!
Stan: Cartman's acting way too weird, even for Cartman. Only one person could
be behind this...(Long silence)
Kyle: Who? Stan: I dunno, but why would two people make Cartman crazy?
(Wendy walks up)
Wendy: Stan, would you like to go to the resteurant that took McDonald's place tonight for dinner? Stan: Sure! Wendy: Okay, meet me there at 8. Stan: Okay.
Cartman: Dude, I heard that place is run by a bunch of British teacups! Stan: Whatever! McDonald's is McDonalds! Cartman: Ah, but in Britain they call french fries 'chips'! Stan: Shut up, fatass! Cartman: Screw you pessimist freaks! I'm going home to frollic gailey in the trees! (He exits, followed by a long silence) Kenny (muffled): Hee, hee hee. He said 'gay.' Kyle: Well, we'd better follow him home. Jake: Hi guys. Stan: Uh, hi Jake. Jake: Where are you going? Stan: To Cartman's house. He's acting like a weirdo. Jake: From my first impression, that's what he *always* is. Can I come? Stan: I guess...
---------- Mephesto's Lab ----------
Mephesto's: Soon, my ultra-miniaturizer will be complete! With it, I can
shrink any living being! I'll test them by putting them in my Lego
world! But who am I gonna shrink?
(Kevin looks up, then backs away)---------- Cartman's House ---------- (Kyle knocks on the door and Mrs. Cartman opens it) Mrs. Cartman: Yes? Kyle: Can Eric play? Mrs. Cartman: Well, he isn't feeling well now...
(Cartman is in the background, humming tunelessly, hitting himself on the head repeatedly with a pillow)
Stan: Aw, just let us in!! (They push pass her) Kyle: Cartman, we gotta talk! Cartman: Hoo ha! Cartman no talk to you freaks! Stan: Knock it off, bitch! Cartman: Make me. Kyle: I was afraid it'd come to this! Grab him!
(Stan, Kenny and Jake grab Cartman and tie him up)
Cartman: Hey! No hoodlies!... STUPID.... ASSHOLES!!!! Stan: What?
(They drag him to the door)
Mrs. Cartman: Wher're you going, Eric dear? Kyle (imitating Cartman): I'm going out to play, mah! Mrs. Cartman: Be back soon, dear!
(Now the kids are outside. They untie Cartman)
Cartman: It's about time you let me outta here!
Jake: You're really weird, Cartman...
Cartman: Ay! Shut up, wheel-chair boy! Just because I'm not crippled for
life like you, forever unlov-
Stan: Cartman, shut up! Just because he's in a wheelchar, doesn't mean
he isn't cool! And you shouldn't be the one to talk about being
unloved!
Cartman: Whatever! You hippy freak! Now lemme go before I really get
mad!
Kenny: Yeah, he might fart on us!
Kyle: I wouldn't put it past him.(Suddenly, there is a bright flash of light. They all close their eyes) (Now, imagine South Park, as made of legos)
Stan: Whoa!! Where are we?! Kyle: Gee, these look like Legos! Jake: Who would transport us to a lego town?
(A Lego citizen comes to life and starts walking toward them)
Cartman: Holy shi[bleep]! It's not everyday you see that! Lego Citizen: Beware!! They brought us to life! They can kill you! Stan: Who? Lego Citizen: Remeber who's been causing you all this trouble... Cartman: Tom Hanks? Lego Citizen: No! Think back!
(Stan does just this)
Stan: Dude! Is it Mr. Garrison? Lego Citizen: No, it's the v-
(Suddenly, the Lego Citizen bursts into flames)
Lego Citizen: Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!! Cartman: How can plastic catch fire? Stan: C'mon, we have to find a way out of here. Look, there's a TV! Kyle: Wow, a Lego TV. I bet that's expensive.
(They walk up to the 'TV store,' the one in 'Death' that they watched Terrance and Phillip on)
Stan: Holy crap, it's that Mephesto dude! Mephesto: That's right. Now then, your goal is to make it to the Lego Model of my castle to reach the grow ray. Good luck!
(The TV blitzes out)
Jake: Who's that guy? Kyle: He's just this weirdo, that's all. Jake: Seems to me there's a lot of weirdos in your town. Stan: Well, c'mon, we'd better get going. Voice from offscreen: There they are!
(We can now hear an angry mob. Pan to the right, where a mob of Lego people is 'waddling' up to the boys)
Stan: Holy crap! Let's get outta here!
(They start running, and Kenny falls behind)
Kyle: Kenny!
(The mob surrounds Kenny, and we hear screaming. One by one the Lego people start falling over and Kenny emerges)
Stan: Holy crap!
Kenny: It's pretty easy to kill them when their weapons are made of
plastic. You just rip of their ugrateful heads.
Stan: Look, dudes! There's my mom's car! We can take that to Mephesto's
lab.
Kyle: No, we can't. Jake wouldn't be able to fit in it!
Cartman: See, you goodlies? I told you different people suck!!
Stan: Shut up Cartman!
Jake: I say we leave him here.
Kyle: You see, Cartman, you're making Jake just as bitter as you!
Kenny: (points) Look, guys! There's a pickup! We can put Jake in the
back of that!(They begin to hoist Jake up, and put him in the back)
Stan: C'mon. Kyle: I'll stay in the back with Jake, to keep him company. Cartman: You go right ahead, but you'll just catch his handicappidness!! Stan: Dammit, Cartman, stop being a racist son of a bitch.
(Stan, Kenny and Cartman climb into the pickup. Stan pushes the Lego gas peddle, and the car starts)
Cartman: Uh, Stan? Stan: Yes? Cartman: Do you know how to drive? Stan: Nooooooo!
(They pickup speed, out of control, and originally starts crashing into the sides of the streets, but eventually Stan rights it and they start driving)
Cartman: Oh, no! It's another Lego mob!
(Stan pushes the gas peddle, and they pick up speed. You can hear the Lego men screaming and being squished under the tires of the truck)
Cartman: You're really enjoying this, aren't you? Kenny: Uh, guys? Stan: Shut up, Kenny! Kenny: But- Stan: Shut up! Kenny: KYLE AND JAKE ARE MISSING, MOTHER F*CKER!!!! Cartman: Holy crap! He's right! Turn around.
(The car turns around) Cartman: Where could they be?
---------- Jake and Kyle ---------- Kyle: We should have held on better, I guess. Jake: Yeah, I guess we didn't take Cartman's yellings seriously.
(The angry mob sounds approach)
Kyle: C'mon, we gotta hide!
(They hide in a bush, kind of. Jake's wheelchair makes it a little difficult for him to be properly hidden. The angry mob approaches even closer. Suddenly, in the most action-packed scene I've ever seen, Jake sneezes and his wheelchair rolls out of the bushes.)
Jake: Crap. Kyle: More like sh[bleep]t.
---------- Cartman's house ---------- Mrs. Cartman: Eric, dear. Are you feeling well?
(She waits for several seconds. Doesn't hear a thing.)
Kitty (from upstairs): Meow! Mrs. Cartman: Okay, dear. You get your rest. Do you want some Cheezy Poofs? Kitty: Meow! Mrs. Cartman: Okay, I'll bring them right up.
---------- Jake and Cartman ---------- Lego citizen: They are different! They suck, so they must be burned at the stake! Kyle: Dude, talk about different! At least we don't have yellow skin! Jake: Yeah, yellow-skinned people suck! Lego citizen: I wouldn't be one to talk, wheelchair boy...
(He begins moving his spear toward Jake's eye. Right before the critical moment, we hear a motor approaching. Stan's pickup flies over the group and lands on the other side of them)
Stan (yelling out the window): Get the hell outta here or I'm gonna turn you into
Lego roadkill! (The mob doesn't move. Stan guns the engine, and runs over a few Lego people on the perimiter of the group. *Now* the groups starts running away. Stan gets out of the pickup and starts to untie Kyle and Jake)
Stan: This is weird, how are these Lego people coming to life? Kyle: I dunno, Mephesto didn't say anything about them...
(The all get back to their proper places in the truck and drive away. Very quicky, a Visitor appears and looks at the 'dead' Lego men, then disappears)
---------- Le Resteurant <<Nous parlons avec notre bouches >> ----------- (It's obvious that Stan is very, very late)
Wendy: Waiter, what time is it?
Waiter: Il fait huit heures cinq.
Wendy: What? This used to be a friggin' McDonalds, and now all of the
waiters are talking in Spanish.
Waiter: Oh?! Pardon-mon, madame! Je parle avec un accent americain
tr�s stupid, d'accord?!
Wendy: What?
Waiter: (sounding retarded) It's eight of the clock and five minutes, ma'am!
Wendy: Well thank you, it's about f[bleep]ing time! Where are you, Stan?---------- Lego World ---------- (The car approaches the Lego model of Mephesto's lab)
Stan: C'mon, guys, we gotta hurry, or else I'm gonna be late for my date!
Cartman: Why would you want any sort of future with her, Stan? You know
she's just a high-pitched bitchy skank.
Stan: SHUT...UP...CARTMAN. We've all had just enough from you! It's as if
being shrunk turned you from the world's biggest weirdo to the
WORLD'S BIGGEST *ASSHOLE!!!!*
Kyle: Who, dude! C'mon, guys let's go.(They enter the castle and get to the 'grow' machine)
Stan: How do we work it? Jake: Maybe we push the putton marked 'Normal Size?' Stan: Sounds good. Kyle: Yeah.
(Stan pushes said button. A countdown begings)
Voice: 5...4...3...2...1...
(A bright flash is seen, and the five boys see that they're normal size, and in Mephesto's lab to boot)
Mephesto: Ah, you have completed my experiment, now- Stan: Listen, you stupid geeky fat son of a bitch, you've already screwed up my night enough, so just SHUT THE HELL UP!!!! Mephesto: Uh... okay. Stan: What time is it? Kyle: 8:30, dude! Stan: Oh, no! I could still make it...
---------- Le Resteurant <<Nous parlons avec notre bouches >> ----------- (Stan opens the door)
Stan: Excuse me sir, did a short girl with black hair come here? Waiter: Elle quite le resteurant � neuf heure moins dix. Stan: What? Waiter: SONUVABITCH!!! She left at 8:50, you stupid, uncultured clown!! Stan: Oh, no, she's already gone!!...
(Sad music plays)
---------- School, the next day ----------- (The students are walking in from recess, and Stan is following Wendy)
Stan: But we got shrunk! You can ask any one of the guys! Wendy: Yeah, right! You were probably too busy playing video games to notice the time. We're through, Stan! Stan: What?!...
(Wendy walks away in a huff. Stan sits absentmindedly at his desk. As per the first scene, the other three boys are leaning back in their chairs)
Mr. Garrison: Okay, now that Eric isn't being a little fruitcake, we can have show and tell day. Cartman: Mr. Garrison? Mr. Garrison: Yes, Eric? Cartman: Why do we have show and tell? When something happens again and again, week after week, it gets boring! Just the same thing happening over and over, only changing a little bit, sucks ass! (Kenny accidentally lets go of his desk and falls to the floor. His neck snaps, and his head pops off) Stan (forlornely): Oh my god! They killed Kenny! Kyle: You bastards! [Note: I'm not criticizing Kenny's weekly death (I think it's cool). That was a little tongue-in-cheeck humor]
The END
Next time... When Kenny dies for some strange reason, the citizens of South Park begin to die from a mysterious plague... of rats! See the_davester's shameless satirization of Hitchcock's 'The Birds.' On Chapter 3 of 5 of 'You can't spell 'Analyze' without Anal'!!!
How'd you like it? Pardon my french, BTW. As always, I'm looking for your comments, criticism and death threats... :)