ROCKY HORROR SOUTH PARK SHOW A South Park/Rocky Horror Picture Show Crossover By Arthur Levesque ([email]) This is a work in progress -- for the full story to date: http://www.erols.com/backslash/text/rh-sp.txt
[Cut to staircase, where Frank is chasing Kyle. During the song, there are brief shots of Stan pushing Grandpa into the elevator, followed by Wendy and Cartman]
WISE UP
(to the tune of "Planet Shmanet") FRANK
You shouldn't laugh; You'd better not smile
You'd better wise up, little Kyle
Aren't you glad that I use Dial?
You'd better wise up, little Kyle I've laid your friend
We should be near the end
I was glad to see you lads
Lost in the woods, no help for miles
Now I'm angry, should I play "Kick the Kyle"?[Big Gay Frank and Kyle run into the lab; Stan, Grandpa, Wendy and Cartman also enter the lab from the elevator. Frank runs toward the control panel; the others all run towards each other in the center of the lab]
FRANK
You think your safe?
Well, you're in denial
You'd better wise up, little Kyle
The transducer will seduce ya[Frank throws a switch on the control panel, and everyone else is immediately stuck to the floor where they stand]
WENDY
My feet! I can't move my feet! GRANPA
Will you just kill me and get it over with, goddammit! KYLE
It's as if we're glued to the spot! FRANK
You are! So quake with fear, you tiny fools! WENDY
We're trapped! FRANK
It's something you'll get used to
A mental mind fuck can be niceCartman: How come when you say f*bleep*k, it doesn't get bleeped out like when we say f*bleep*k?
[Riff and Magenta enter the lab, and slowly walk to the control panel. Frank is now standing in front of his victims]
Kyle: You won't find South Park quite the easy mark you imagine. This sonic transducer... it is, I suppose, some kind of audio- vibratory physiomolecular transport device?
Stan: You mean...
Kyle: Yes, Stan, it's something I was working on for our next science fair. But it seems our friend here has found a means of perfecting it. A device which is capable of breaking down solid matter and then projecting it through space and, who knows, perhaps even time.. itself!
Cartman: Sweet!
Kyle: At least he knows how to travel in style!
FRANK
Style schmyle, Kyle!
You'd better wise up, little Kyle
You better wise up, make some pies up
You better wise up[Quick cut to Jesus on his set, and then back to the lab]
Jesus: And lo, he cried out...
Kyle: Stop it, Frank!
FRANK
Don't get hot and flustered
Use a bit of mustard STAN
You're a faggot
And you're even lamer than Bob Saget
You maggot![Frank nods to Magenta, who throws a switch. There is a flash of light, and Stan turns into a statue. No, they aren't nude!]
KYLE
You're a faggot
And you're even lamer than Bob Saget
You maggot![Frank nods to Magenta, who throws a switch. There is a flash of light, and Kyle turns into a statue]
WENDY
You're a faggot
And you're even lamer than Bob Saget
You maggot![Frank nods to Magenta, who throws a switch. There is a flash of light, and Wendy turns into a statue]
Cartman: I've got to get out of hyar!
[Cartman tries to struggle to free himself, but to no avail. Frank nods, Magenta complies, Cartman is stone. Frank turns to walk away]
Grandpa: Goddammit, Big Gay Billy, I can't stand any more of this! First you kill that stupid teacher, and then you ignore me to kill that little son of a whore Kenny! You chew people up and then you spit them out again... I want to be dead... Do you hear me? I want to die! And what do I get? Yeah, I'll tell you: a big nothing. You kill, kill, kill, and drain everyone of their life except me! Yeah, well, I've had enough! You're gonna shoot me now or I'll show you what it feels like to be grandpa!
Frank (sighs): Oh well, if I must...
[He nods to Magenta, and Grandpa becomes yet another statue]
Frank: It's not easy having a good time... even smiling makes my face ache... and my children turn on me... Rocky's behaved just the way that Mister Garrison did. Do you think I made a mistake, transferring Mister Hat between the two of them?
Magenta: Ahhhh! I grow weary of this world! When shall we return to Transylvania, huh?
Frank: As soon as my work here is finished! Come, we are ready for the floor show!
[Cut to Jesus and Pals set]
Jesus: Yea. Tho the children had survived in the Valley of Evil and Perversity, they were not finished yet. What further indignities were they to be subjected to? And what of the floor show that Frank had spoken of? In an empty house? In the middle of the night? What...
[Jesus pauses, looks at his watch, and jumps up with a start]
Jesus: Goodness, is it that late already? I have to be somewhere. Yadda yadda yadda, no picnic, bye!
[Jesus runs out the door, and the station cuts to a "Mister Hankey" commercial. Fade to a stage in Big Gay Frank's castle, where the children and grandpa, still statues, have been dressed in typical Rocky Horror floor show attire (bustiers, fishnet stockings, etc.) They all have make-up on their faces and red yarn wigs, so that they look like Raggedy Ann/Andy. One by one, they return to life to sing their verses of the floor show]
THE FLOOR SHOW
PART I: CENSOR MY SPEECH
(to the tune of "Rose Tint My World") STAN
It was great when it all began
I was a regular South Park fan
But it was over when they had the plan
Few episodes, repeatedly re-ran
Now the only thing I want to know
When will I see a brand-new show?
Censor my speech, keep me safe for Comedy Central KYLE
I'm a lonely Jewish kid
But not from anything I did
And something I really liked
Was kicking my baby brother Ike
Now the thing that keeps me going on
Is to sing that fucking dreidel song
Censor my speech, keep me safe for Comedy Central GRANPA
This is silly
Kill me, Billy!
I am old, you'll see
Take my life away...
Come here you guys
I want to die!
What's become of me?
Woo! Here I go again! WENDY
I feel relieved
Because I've deceived
My alibi Stan believed
Rocky meant nothing
His jealousy I've rebuked
My dinner has been nuked
We just kissed and there was no puke
My Stan is so mature[At this point, the curtain opens and Big Gay Frank takes center stage, dressed in his floorshow ensemble. Behind him is the Braniff logo. Cartman is still a statue for now]
THE FLOOR SHOW
PART II: DON'T SPILL IT
(to the tune of "Don't Dream It") FRANK
Whatever happened to Jim Bean
Or even Kenny's gasoline?
As I pass you my flask
Do I even have to ask
Come on, don't you eight-year-olds ever drink?[Frank pauses to chug from a few bottles of booze]
Give yourself over to Absolut Vodka
Drink the cold cocktails of sex on the beach
Alcoholic fixtures, in the finest mixtures
And nothing's the same
As the South Park drinking game
Can't you just taste it?
Oh, oh, oh... Oh![Frank dives into the pool, and floats on a life preserver drinking some more]
Frank (repeats): Don't spill it, drink it...
[Stan, Kyle, and Wendy dive into the pool. Grandpa finds a toaster, looks for a plug, and then tries to plug it in and run his wheelchair into the pool while holding the toaster. Unfortunately, the cord isn't long enough. The kids form a circle around Frank, and they all start drinking from his flask]
All (repeat): Don't spill it, drink it...
[There is a flash of light, and Cartman is revived]
CARTMAN
Ach! I can't believe that son of a bitch!
He never even served us food!
I need Cheesy Poofs
Don't want to get boofed
Or else if I can't get a snack
I'll dance like a mailman
And smoke crack! STAN
No, not again
Shut up, Cartman! WENDY
God help David Caruso THE FLOOR SHOW
PART III: RUDE UNCENSORED THING
(to the tune of "Wild and Untamed Thing") FRANK
My, my, my, my my my my my, my, my, my, my... my!
I'm a rude and uncensored thing
I can speak without bleeps and pings
Do what I want, my scenes aren't sliced
I'll say "pigfucker" in front of Christ
So let "The Spirit of Christmas" live on
It's still the funniest thing they've done
Don't censor my speech, 'cause I'm safe on the Internet ALL
We're a rude and uncensored thing
We can speak without bleeps and pings
Do what we want, our scenes aren't sliced
We'll say "pigfucker" in front of Christ
So let "The Spirit of Christmas" live on
It's still the funniest thing we've done
Don't censor my speech, 'cause I'm safe on the Internet We're a rude and uncensored thing
We can speak without bleeps and pings
Do what we want, our scenes aren't sliced
We'll say "pigfucker" in front of Christ
So let "The Spirit of Christmas" live on
It's still the funniest thing we've done
Don't censor my speech, 'cause I'm safe on the Internet[Suddenly, the doors burst open and Riff and Magenta enter. They are wearing their gold spacesuits, and Magenta has her hair up in "Bride of Frankenstein" style]
RIFF RAFF
Big Gay Frankie
No more Hanky-panky!
You really have been naughty
It's time to get a spanky!
I'm your new oppressor
And a better dresser!
We return to Transylvania
Prepare the transit beam!Frank: Wait! I can explain!