Christian Agenda Succeeds, Gays Convert (Retuers)
The world is now free of homosexuality after an historical vote by the council of gay elders in Amsterdam, Holland Thursday night. "We made the wrong choice," admits elder Bruce DeCroix.
Why now? "We'd been looking forward to the upcoming Gay Days at Disney World, but we couldn't stop thinking about the Christian organization who wanted to fly a plane over the park with a banner telling us to accept Jesus Christ, despite the no-fly rule over Disney. It made us think, 'You know, if it's so important that they would risk national security to send us the message, maybe they have a point.'
"So, we discovered that no one in the homosexual community had actually read the bible. I mean, we thought we had the gist of it, and we assumed SOMEONE somewhere had read it. But you know what we discovered? They're right - God comes down pretty hard on the gay stuff. True, he comes down hard on a lot of stuff, but it's pretty obvious which ones he actually means.
"We've been noticing lately that the gay agenda has not been succeeding like it once was. Hollywood was pretty easy to infiltrate, but we've been hitting pockets of resistance all throughout middle America. Plus, it's been getting harder and harder to find young boys to molest with all the negative media attention the issue has been getting. It's not like the '50's, where you could grow a moustache, put on a pair of sunglasses, park your Buick outside a school parking lot, then lure a ten-year-old with some candy and have your way with him. People are a lot more cautious these days. We thought we'd found an way around it with gay adoption, but we haven't had the kind of success with that issue that we had hoped for.
"In the end, we finally had to admit, it's really not worth going to hell over. It sounds so great when you're first recruited. When you're having a hard time fitting in, it seems like such a good way to rebel. Plus, it looks so glamorous, with people like Rupert Everett and Barney Frank making such a good case for it. But you know what? It really is an empty, meaningless lifestyle. We had a discussion at our last meeting, and we all agreed that it was time to throw in the towel. We're big enough to know when we've been bested, and we've been bested. We made the wrong choice, and we're ready to convert."
While the reponse throughout the community has been overwhelmingly in support of the decision, some groups in Key West and Provincetown have been resisting. Elders are confident that once the ketamine wears off, they'll join with the rest of the ex-gays. All of this leaves the Christian Right scrambling for what issue to demonize next. Fred Phelps, the Kansas minister of the Westboro Baptist Church and owner of the website godhatesfags.com, was unavailable for comment. Mary Jones, head of the Coalition for Traditional Values in Lincoln, Nebraska, said the next battle was obvious. "Harry Potter. You know that boy's a witch?"