"The One Where Everything Completely F*cks Up" - featuring the classic Friends cast and A-list celebrity cameos! SCENE 1 ------- "The Friends-sters'" flat. All six of them are pottering around their flat not really doing much. They all have confused, exhausted looks on their faces. PHOEBE: Hey, Jennifer, I'm so bored. "JENNIFER": No, Phoebe, I'm Rachel. PHOEBE: well, (>pitch of voice) A good staaart! I'm so bored with everythng in Central Park today. All we've been doing is walking around the flat saying silly crap and doing basically nothing! CHANDLER: What? That's a MAJOR. SHOCK. to me. This NEVER happens to us! PHOEBE: Yeah, never on this show. EVER! We ALWAYS end up doing something INTERESTING! Honest! JOEY: Shut up! ROSS: Yeah, play some crappy tunes on your guitar like that smelly cat one or whatever (impersonating Mick Jagger) "I can't get no... Satisfaction!" PHOEBE: (looking at Rachel) I bet that's what you said last night when Ross was giving you a beef injection! RACHEL: Right.. your SMELLY CAT is DEAD MEAT! GRRLIE FIGHT! (brandishes pillow) ROSS: (impersonates Alex from UK Big Brother '02) NO! NO! This is pointless! BOTH OF YOU, STOP IT! PHOEBE: Well, fair enough, David. We need to do something interesting today! We've got 70 MILLION VIEWERS TO ENTERTAIN... JOEY: You shouldn't say that, but cheers Phoebe, that's a fantastic idea! Instead of telling my not very funny jokes and grinning like a castrated walrus, I'm going to do something amazing! MONICA: And Joey is....? JOEY: Getting his COCK out!
(All three women scream)
JOEY: No, not THAT sort of cock. (Joey makes an actual cockerel appear from his jacket) ROSS: What a SUPERB joke! I'm sure there will be many more COMEDIC MASTERPIECES today! Hey, look, it's a HEN party! (canned laughter as loud as a Slipknot gig) PHOEBE: We filmed in England once - so it could be a BRITISH NATIONAL party! (room falls silent) CHANDLER: Anyway, what do y'all wanna do today? PHOEBE: let's go to the coffee bar... MONICA: NO SHIT!
SCENE 2 ------- Er, at the coffee bar. ------------------------- ROSS: (flirting with waitress) You were working as a waitress in a coffee bar, when I met you.... WAITRESS: (screaming) CRAWWWLIIIN INNNN MY SKINNN, THESE WOOOONDS THEY WILLL NOT HEALLL! FEAR IS HOW I THOOOOOUUGGGGHHHTTT... (takes wig off, and suddenly, oh no, it's Linkin Park's Chester Bennington in drag!) Anyway, your orders? MONICA: Six lattes! WAITRESS: What, all for YOURSELF? MONICA: No, I'm going to drink all of them myself - what the FCUK do you think??! Five hours later.... JOEY: This is my 15th latte! MONICA: Mmmm... I'm weak at the knees.... caffeine junkie. RACHEL: So what DO you look for most in a man? This question's open to all, we're very tolerant on this show. We've certainly had our fair share of wheelchair-bound lesbian ethnic minorities round here! PHOEBE: I love a man in uniform....... ALL APART FROM ROSS/PHOEBE: ME TOO! RACHEL: Why do we ALWAYS agree on everything? ROSS: Because if we didn't, you might find out RACHEL TIED ME TO THE BED WEARING HER PVC CATSUIT + SUSPENDERS LAST NIGHT, AND COVERED ME IN.... CHANDLER (interrupting): Quit while you're ahead, buddy... PHOEBE: You wouldn't know the meaning of the word, you're a premature e.... CHANDLER: (frantically interrupting) Oh, ok, let's talk about something more appropriate for a public place. Which food gives you the galloping shits? Joey...Joey.. Where are you? JOEY: HELP! I'VE HAD A COFFEE OVERDOSE! I'M HAVING PALPITATIONS! AND MAYBE A CONVULSIVE CARDIAC ARREST AND A HEART ATTACK!!!!!!!!! (canned laughter) PHOEBE: Oh, it's ok, it's not real, so he'll be OK. ROSS: What did I tell you... but oh well, Rachel, let's get back to mine. CHANDLER: And me! It's my flat as well PHOEBE: And me! MONICA: And me! Let's all have an orgy!
SCENE 3 ------- THE FLAT - Five friends minus Joey are there, maybe preparing for his return from the coffee bar. They don't seem concerned about him not turning up. (The doorbell rings?) PHOEBE: Hello? COP 1: It's the Police. PHOEBE: Don't stand so close to me! Is it a STING operation? (Apocalyptic canned laughter) COP 2: No... The COPS. PHOEBE: Oh, ok. I did 5 years of medicine at Harvard, but hadn't heard about you before the NWA song "F*** THE POLICE." COP 1: Terrible tragic news for you though... Joey's dead. (Canned laughter) RACHEL: What, am I starring in "Love Actually?" COP 1: Er, no... JOEY'S DEAD. CHANDLER: WHAAATT? oh well, he left me a year's supply of Cheesy Wotsits and Samuel Adams lager in his will, so it can't be that bad! COP 1: No, Joey's DIED of a CARDIAC ARREST from A CAFFEINE RUSH TO HIS CIRCULATORY SYSTEM! (more canned laughter) He really is dead, it's a real-life tragedy! (more canned laughter) PHOEBE: No, you're joking, this isn't real-life. PHOEBE: No, this is a sitcom. COP 2: No, this is real-life. (1000 db canned laughter) COP 1: No, this is real-life. " PHOEBE: No, this is a sitcom. " COP 2: No, this is real-life. " PHOEBE: No, this is a sitcom. " COP 2: No, this is real-life. " PHOEBE: No, this is a sitcom. " COP 2: NO, THIS. IS. REAL. LIFE. N Y P D ASSSHOLE!. " PHOEBE: No, this is a sitcom " MONICA: OK THEN.... THIS IS A SITCOM... AND real life. BOTH. AT. THE. SAME. TIME! oops, I shouldn't have said that, my head's going to explode... (Monica's head literally blows up) (Cataclysmic explosion of laughter) ROSS: TWO OF US DEAD! (as Papa Roach) CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES. THIS IS MY LAST RESORT! And my last resort is.... (DRUM ROLL) to go to BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN'S house! PHOEBE: Yeah, we'll walk it. Isn't far.
SCENE 4 ------- Bruce Springsteen's house. Friends ring his doorbell. ------------------------------------------------------- BRUCE: How do y'all? Thank Christ it's not carol singers. (A speech bubble appears above Ross, a la Eminem's Without Me Video. MUST. USE. CHEESY. MUSIC-REFERENCING. POWERS!) ROSS: Well, it's nice to meet you, Bruce, well, I was born to run to your house today, I came from the badlands and walked across the streets of philadelphia! BRUCE: I AM the BOSS! That song is COPYRIGHTED! SO DON'T COPY ME! You DEMON! DEMON ALBARN! (singing) You can't start a fire, can't start a fire without a spark.................. (Bruce puts a lit match in Ross's mouth, and he spontaneously combusts) (apocalyptic canned laughter) PHOEBE: Oh, it's OK, three of my best mates are dead today, but who cares? I'm happy, happy, (as the clown off Rugrats) singing the happy happy song! In our world, everything is ha ha hee hee sweetness and lovely! No bombs, guns, neo-Nazi KKK hatred, drug cartels or Good Charlotte! CHANDLER: How will we get these people back, Bruce Banner? BRUCE: Gee, I dunno about that. (sings) I'll put a rifle in your hand, send you to a foreign land.... no seriously. Your MISSION, should you choose to accept it, is to go on an EPIC VOYAGE to find the THREE ALMIGHTY SAMUEL ADAMS BOSTON LAGER CANS OF GOD! We will get some talented celeb individuals to help you out though! CHANDLER: And where are we going? BRUCE: THE DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF.... PHOEBE: (interrupting) horse's gonads? BRUCE: YES! THE DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF HORSE'S GONADS! IN BETWEEN AUSTRIA AND SLOVENIA! (TO BE CONTINUED)