The capsule for "Homer the Moe" is now available at The Simpsons Archive, at "http://www.snpp.com/episodes.html". You may access it by following the link for episode CABF20. This time around, there was an interesting split in the reviews. People who mailed their review directly to SNPP.com generally liked it better than those who posted their reviews to <alt.tv.simpsons>. Usually, the two groups are in agreement on the merits of a show.
We plan to have "A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love (CABF18)" up next, on March 29. (This is subject to change due to schedule and resource demands, however.)
For your convenience, a copy the CABF20 capsule follows immediately. Enjoy!
Homer the Moe Written by Dana Gould
Directed by Jen Kamerman
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Production code: CABF20 Original Airdate on FOX: 18-May-1999
Capsule revision A (13-Mar-04)
============================================================================================================================================================ [SNPP.com] Homer's new job as the author of fortune cookies assures Mr. Burns that love is on the horizon. Mr. Burns finds it in a woman named Gloria, whom he loves so much that he wants to marry. But as he proposes to Gloria, her ex shows up - which happens to be Snake, and he's just broken out of prison. Guest stars Julia Louis-Dreyfus and George Takei.
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============================================================================== Blackboard: A BURP IN A JAR IS NOT A / SCIENCE PROJECT
Couch: A football bounces into view, followed by all five Simpsons,
wearing uniforms. One by one, they all jump on it. Maggie
pops out of the pile with the ball. She spikes it and does a
little victory dance. [Recycled from CABF06]==============================================================================
==============================================================================
Don Del Grande:
... there was only one column of blackboard quotes?
... there was additional blank space between each quote?
... Bart drinks Mountain Dew (and it's not "Code Red") for breakfast?
... in Homer's story, Lisa tells Bart he'll get to China if he keeps
digging, something the real Lisa would know isn't true?
... the dartboard score said "J I" and "G XII"?
... in Moe's, Homer serves Duff in bottles rather than from the tap?
... there's something that looks suspiciously like meat on Lisa's plate at
dinner?
... the Malaysian beer has a yin/yang on the label?
... all three of Moe's bouncers had "girl" names?
... Homer doesn't bother with details like connecting his urinal to
plumbing?
... Homer's bar has a "Devil's Advocate" pinball machine?Alex Foley: ... Barney is apparently sober again?
Joe Green: ... the picture of the erupting volcano on the wall at M?
Darrel Jones:
... TWO references to she-males in the same episode?
... the bird Moe calls is a bald eagle?
... the ad for Laramie's and the Springfield Atoms pennant in the "new" old
Moe's?Joe Klemm:
... the Simpsons now have their own "electric heart starter" machine
(forgot the actual name of it)? [Defibrillator -- Ed.]
... Moe thinks that it's the 20th Century?Chad Lehman:
... the painting of Swigmore U. looks like Springfield U. from [BABF06]?
(the battlement and towers are identical; the intro music is the same
when Moe enters)
... there's an apparent cut scene? (right when we see the credits for
Supervising Producer Matt Selman, Marge has Homer by the shirt. He
then says: "Don't worry, Marge ..."
... Moe drives his beat-up early-70s GMC truck from [4F11]?
... in the photograph, Moe is holding a single barrel shotgun ... not the
usual double barrel type?
... the phone at Moe's has 16 buttons?
... the professor intimates that the pond isn't water?
... Carl playing air-guitar?
... Formico's voice is the same as the plastic surgeon's from "Pygmoelian"?
... Nancy Cartwright voices the second Russian model?
... Moe's "m" has real shelves now, not just liquor bottles that are
"painted on"?
... in Act I, Homer asks Bart what he's doing. In Act III, Bart asks Homer
what he's doing?
... R.E.M. leaves their gear and instruments when they leave the garage?
... Moe wears his bow tie, even when he's in camouflage?
... the upside down image of both the turkey and Moe's silhouette on the
front of Homer's gun scope are correct?
... Homer knocks off his hat before he "faints" a second time?
... photograph of the Statue of Liberty in Moe's after the bar is changed
back?Benjamin Robinson: ... the student juggling a liquor bottle on the Swigmore campus?
==============================================================================
==============================================================================
- Starring
- Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Barney, Professor)
- Julie Kavner (Marge)
- Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Model 2 {cl})
- Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
- Hank Azaria (Dr. Kaufmann, Spy, General, Moe, Carl, Formico, Man 3 [?])
- Harry Shearer (Humungous, Lenny, Cecil, Man 2 [?])- Special Guest Voices - Peter Buck (Himself) - Mike Mills (Himself) - Michael Stipe (Himself)
- Also Starring - Pamela Hayden (Lady 2) - Tress MacNeille (Model 1, Lady 1) - Karl Wiedergott (Man 1 [?])
==============================================================================
==============================================================================
~ "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" (TV series) {jc}
- calling someone a moe [see "Comments" section for more -- Ed.] - "Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior" (movie) {jc}
- a bad guy calling himself Humungous + "The Time Machine" (novel)
- Homer mentions the Morlocks from this classic H. G. Wells novel + Swarthmore College {dj}
- Swigmore College a parody + "Ironweed" (movie) {jg2}
- this inspired Moe to become a bartender - Virginia Woolf (writer) {ts}
- committed suicide in much the same way as Moe's professor - "The Awakening" (movie) {js}
- a woman walks off into the ocean and kills herself + "Coyote Ugly" (movie)
- Homer and the gang dance on top of the bar counter + "Happy Days" (TV series)
- Homer imitates the Fonz, including rapping the jukebox to repair it,
and using "-mundo" to emphasize words + Formica (building material) {bjr}
- Moe's design consultant has this apt name + M&Ms (candy) {cl}
- Moe's new logo looks like the "m" printed on this candy's shell
- the similarity is reinforced when two searchlights project two m's
next to each other in the sky + "Mystery Science Theater 3000" (TV series) {jg2}
- Carl says M is like something from the "not-too-distant future",
quoting this show's theme song - Formica (building material) {jc}
- interior decorator Formico + "I Love Rock and Roll" by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts (song)
- Homer sings his anti-Moe song to the Joan Jett tune + "The Munsters" (TV series) {jg2}
- Homer mentions Herman Munster in his alternate lyrics to "It's the End
of the World as We Know It"==============================================================================
==============================================================================
- Homer and guns {af}
- [9F04] -Homer shoots Zombies with his shotgun {af}
- [1F09] -Homer has a shotgun as he forms a vigilante group to stop the Cat
Burglar {af}
- [2F20] -Sticks a gun in Mr. Burns face to get Burns to tell the town that
he did not shoot him {af}
- [4F11] -Homer, Bart, Moe and Barney go hunting {af}
- [5F01] -Homer buys a gun and joins the N.R.A. (and is soon kicked out)
{af}- [7F07] -OFF celebrates Thanksgiving {af}
- [8F02], [1F09] Someone digs a hole deep enough to stand in {cl}
- [8F08] Moe changes the bar's image {dj}
- [9F06] -The last time Bart prank phone called Moe's {af}
- [9F07] Bart mentions burping in the chalkboard gag {cl}
- [9F09] Homer gets defibrillated {bjr}
- [1F11] Bart is down a hole {cl}
- [2F01] Homer has built a non-functional robot {dj}
- [2F16], [5F09] -Moe's shotgun appears {af}
- [3F02] Moe reinvents his tavern
- [3F15] Signature phrase "not-to-distant" future used to describe a building
{bjr}
- [3F18] episode titled "Homer the (other character)" {jc}
- [4F11] Homer goes hunting
- [4F13] "Sweet Valley High" series of books mentioned {bjr}
- [4F22] Mountain Dew mentioned {cl}
- [5F12] Homer's garage becomes a tavern
- [5F16] Homer uses oxygen to recover from mild physical activity {cl}
- [AABF07] Someone jumps to the conclusion that youths have done the vandalism
{cl}
- [AABF16] Russian(s) respond(s) to the first question with a happy "da", and
to the second with a sad "da" {cl}
- [AABF18] She-males mentioned {dj}
- [AABF22] Bart's unbalanced behavior worries the family {bjr}
- [AABF22] A satellite spies on Bart {cl}
- [AABF23] CBG says, "I had a mouse" after being kicked out of a theater (cf.
Homer saying "I had a hat") {bjr}
- [BABF03] Possibly "gay" bodyguards/bouncers ("Julian") {cl}
- [BABF17] Devil's Advocate pinball game {jc}
- [CABF01] Homer: [shifting eyes] No; of ... course not ... {cl}==============================================================================
==============================================================================
- College clock {bjr} NO
DRINKING 5
5 5
5 / 5
5 \ 5
5 \ 5
5 5
5 BEFORE
5:00==============================================================================
==============================================================================
* In reality, if you dig a hole to the other side of the Earth, you'd end up
in Australia, not China. [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.] {jk}+ Bart should know what a psychiatrist is by now, despite what Marge's "special kind of talking doctor" line suggests. {jg2}
- If Barney has *really* quit drinking, then why does he still spend so much time at Moe's? {jg2}
+ Moe has gone to college to learn to mix drinks, but in [7F20] he derisively calls Ned a "college boy" because he can mix drinks. {cl}
+ Moe didn't seem to know a lot about mixed drinks in "Flaming Moe (8F08)." {bjr}
+ Formico says his name must never be spoken, but Moe says his name later in the episode. {cl}
= The label on the bottle of beer Moe offers Homer changes from the Malaysian
soy beer brand to the traditional Duff. [Which is what Homer wanted in the
first place, anyway -- Ed.] {jw}= The "lemons" Lisa carves actually appear to be limes. {jg2}
= Nobody sings the "Time I had some time alone" lines in the background of "End of the World". {dj}
= There's an old blue Ford and a Plymouth K car parked in Homer's driveway
with other cars blocking them, but when Moe shows up, the two Simpsons cars
are in driveway (was it a different night?) {cl}= Homer was not wearing a tie at Moe's at the end until it suddenly appears after he puts the money in Moe's tip jar. {af}
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============================================================================== Brian Beck: I only laughed once, at Homer's attempt at singing "It's the End of the World as We Know It." (and that saved it from an F). There was also a chuckle at "... and penis is Russian for what?" There was a complete lack of coherency -- why was Bart digging that hole, why was Moe so depressed, etc. The hunting scene was ridiculously contrived, and shooting Moe was not funny. Why does Homer have to end up bloody in every episode? Maybe had they taken one of the subplots and used it for 30 minutes, it could have been good [...] but there was no real strong connecting thread. In conclusion, I'm following the advice of Mr. Tinky at the end of Trilogy of Error -- "This plot made no sense! Tell the people!" Except that Trilogy of Error made sense; this didn't. Low (D-)
Don Del Grande: Okay, it started a little slow, especially after the "hole that went nowhere" (in more ways than one), but it picked up with the "m" and "Homer's Hunting Club" bits, only to come crashing back down to earth with the turkey hunt (right, as if a storyline is going to have Homer actually shoot a turkey, or even eat one, in front of Lisa) -- and what's with the "happy ending" ending? (B+)
Alex Foley: The Mike Scully era is ending with a wimper. Yet again we have the beaten to the ground "Homer gets a new wacky job" episode, this time his filling in for Moe and then opening a bar in his home. Worst off, it was Homer the Jerk, as the scene in which he lights up a cigarette for Lisa and the scene in which he makes Bart & Lisa work in the bar made me cringe. The episode was a series of weak gags strung together with a weak plot. R.E.M. was completely useless too boot. The 3rd act was watchable (which is more then I can say for the first two acts), which raised this from an F, but it will still probably end up as one of the worst episodes ever when I look back at it in a few months. (D)
Joe Green: An improvement over last week's show, although it's still not quite up to speed. My main complaint is about the pacing -- it spent so long on setting up the plot that it got rushed at the end, like a lot of recent OFF episodes. Still, the fact that Bart made his first prank call to Moe's in several seasons helped quite a bit. (B-)
Zan Hecht: Between "After Chernobyl, my penis fell off," "I'm losing my
horny," Homer's blood literally gushing out THOH style, and several other
gross-out gags, this episode is the crudest ever, finally beating
"Skinner's Sense of Snow." Also, while it is nice to see the "false start"
plot style again, the Bart's hole plot ended too abruptly, and was really a
cop-out (you could call it a plot hole). However, there was some nice
meta-humor ("It's fortunate that I just put this picture here, as it
illustrates my point nicely"). Also, I noticed some nice continuity. Last
week, we saw Moe acting mean for no reason ("Yeah, now I rob people too"),
and this week we find out why. I believe that this is the first time the
Simpsons have done a story arc (Maude's death isn't really a story arc
because it is open-ended and has no resolution). (B-)Darrel Jones: Not bad, but I'm somewhat disappointed. Not because it was poor or too goofy, but the name was false advertising. It should've been called "The New Moe's" or something. Why does Homer have to get top billing if his plot takes up just one act? Still, some good jokes and the "Dead Poet's Society"-type professor let me give it "seven thumbs up". 7/10 or (B+)
Kevin Muckenthaler: Tonight's episode was almost completely unwatchable. I can't believe the show has fallen so far under Mike Scully. Pointless slapstick and violence, loads of vulgar humor, and pointless celebrity appearances do not a good episode make. The opening with Bart digging a hole was far more interesting than the rest of the episode, yet seemed just to be time-filler when it ended up being just Homer's crazy story. The show was a collection of unrelated scenes and unfunny gags. Suicide, ghost-visits, crotch jokes, dead rabbits, and Homer shooting Moe are not funny in my opinion. (F)
Todd Willis: Wow, all I can say is that this episode has to be on my top ten list of worst Simpsons episodes. The episode totally lacked plot coherency, which would have been okay if the jokes were funny. Alas, I had only about four good laughs during the entire episode, and maybe a few chuckles. I still don't understand the part about Moe's teacher walking into the water, was it supposed to be funny? I don't get it! On the plus side Homer did get another new job. (Deep sarcasm) A note to the writers please do entire Simpson family episodes, and stop concentrating on Homer and Bart. (D-)
Yours Truly: "Homer the Moe" had a good pseudo-bad beginning, and a funny middle section, but is let down by a shaky, rushed ending. Until then, it's an entertaining story of what happens when Moe turns his bar into an upscale snob haven. The blue-collar meets tragically-hip aspect of the story is solidly funny, and I liked Homer's retaliatory attempt to turn his garage into the next "old" Moe's. R.E.M. is okay if not spectacular as Homer's house band. Despite some risky jokes that don't pay off, and the weak ending, this is an entertaining bar story. (B)
AVERAGE GRADE: C (1.91) Std Dev.: 1.1726 (10 reviews computed)
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Darrel Jones: "Wolly Bully" -- Sam the Sham & the Pharaohs (1965): Homer picks this for the jukebox.
"Colour My World" -- Chicago (1971): second song playing on the jukebox.
"It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" -- REM (1987): performed at Homer's.
Joe Green: Homer's "shaggy-dog story" from the beginning seemed like a criticism of the kind of inane plots that have become common on OFF in recent seasons.
Also, the "How'd you get your bar back to normal so quickly?" line at the end appeared to be a comment on how things usually go right back to the status quo at the end of episodes.
Chad Lehman: Marge [says] "... and you don't even do your full time job." [This is a] commentary on how recent episodes rarely seem to show Homer at work.
The ten second Lisa, Bart & Moe voice-over shot, used to explain how "m" turned back into "Moe's", is deceptively clever. We were expecting a quick fix, but the voice-over shot is self-commentary on how they could have made up literally "anything", and voiced it over later.
Jeff Cross writes: I think that the ep title has a secondary negative meaning to it. I remember this first season episode of the hugely-successful CBS crime show "CSI" where Jorja Fox's character describes some bad guys as "moes." I haven't been able to find a slang dictionary that defines it perfectly, but it could either be derivative of "moron" (if you pronounce it "moe-ron" like Stork did in "Animal House") or "mo-fo" (as in the vulgar description of Oedipus) or "mope" (as in the questionably moral people who take part in or cause riots). The term has been around for at least a decade, since I heard about a Massachusetts North Shore music group called the Swanky Moes back in the early 1990s.
Can Bart theoretically dig his way to China? Maybe not, says Benjamin Robinson: I figured this out once, and if you start digging your hole from the eastern U.S., you'd really reach the Indian Ocean. The easiest way to find the opposite side of the earth is to get your current coordinates, and then reverse them. That is, if you're at 30 degrees north and 85 degrees west, then your tunnel would emerge at 30 degrees south and 85 degrees east.
Well, actually, if you dug to the other side of the planet, you be incinerated by the Earth's molten core. But that's not as much fun.
Shi Bao Nai explains: In the radio business, "urban" is the adjective used to describe Rap/Hip-Hop stations, a sort of PC workaround for the word "black". There was actually a funny usage of that term on the Larry Sanders Show a few years back. The musical guest was going to be the Wu-Tang Clan, and some studio executives were trying to talk Rip Torn (the producer, I think?) out of it. They said, "We feel that the Wu-Tang Clan is a little ... urban for our demographics." Torn replied, "Well, maybe I can call my friend Lenny Kravitz. He's only half urban, will that help?"
Benjamin Robinson writes: The band playing at "Homer's Tavern" was none other than R.E.M., one of the most influential alternative rock bands of the late 80s and early 90s (right up until Nirvana took primacy). They are made up of front man Michael Stipe (the bald guy), guitarist Peter Buck (the guy with the dark hair and big eyebrows), and bassist Mike Mills (the blond guy with the glasses). Had the guys gotten around to guest- voicing on the show earlier, they could have brought their drummer Bill Berry, but he took a permanent vacation from the group a couple years ago.
At the garage, the boys were playing a staple of their live show, "It's the End of World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)." When this song came out in 1987, college students the world over put a lot of effort into deciphering the lyrics; Homer doesn't even come close, but it doesn't really seem to matter.
R.E.M., and especially Stipe, always had a strong left-leaning social conscience. The scene where the band swept up the broken bottle for recycling probably isn't that far off from reality. R.E.M. was one of the first bands to invite activist groups (like Motor Voter and the ECO environmental group) along on their tours. Lisa might also be interested to know that Michael Stipe helped start a vegetarian restaurant in the Atlanta area.
The somewhat cynical among us might point out that R.E.M. and "The Simpsons" have something in common: Both peaked about ten years ago and, while they still garner respect, aren't quite as good and hip as they used to be. But that's just what the cynical people say.
==============================================================================
============================================================================== % It's breakfast time in the Simpson house. Homer's sitting at the % dinette, reading the paper.
Marge: What are you reading, Homey? Homer: Bridge column. [laughs] Oh, that South -- you never know what he'll do next. [turns to the comic section] Aw, look at that dad in "Drabble." He's like an unfunny version of me. Lisa: Where's Bart? His Mountain Dew's getting flat. Marge: [sees Bart in the back yard] That's odd. He's outside, digging. Homer: Probably digging for drugs. Marge: There's no drugs out there. Homer: [shiftily] No ... of course not. -- You have the right to remain silent, "Homer the Moe"
% Lisa decides to ask Bart what he's up to now.
Lisa: What are you doing? Bart: Diggin'. Lisa: Why? Bart: To make a hole. Lisa: A hole for what? Bart: More diggin'. Lisa: [pause] Okay, then. [backs away as Bart continues to dig] -- Special investigation, "Homer the Moe"
% The day passes. Homer tries next.
Homer: [walks up to Bart, whistling] Oh! Hello, young man. Beautiful day for digging, isn't it? Bart: Yup. Homer: Yeah. Um, digging for anything in particular? Bart: Nuh-uh. Homer: So, I guess you wouldn't mind if I was to dig a hole of my own. Bart: Go for it. Homer: Maybe I will. Bart: What's stopping you? Homer: Very little. [gets a shovel of his own and digs a few scoops of earth] [clutches his chest] Oh, God, I'm having chest pains. [runs in the house; in the yard, we hear his voice from inside] Where's the defibrillator? Clear! [zap] [walks back outside, carrying two defibrillator paddles] This thing pays for itself. -- "Homer the Moe"
% Bart's hole grows bigger. Marge brings in Dr. Kaufmann, a child % psychologist. He pursues a theory that Bart is trying to hide from % some sort of family conflict, but doesn't get very far. % % Lisa warns Bart that he'll dig his way to China, but Bart is % sanguine about the possibility. At that moment, Chinese soldiers % are using a satellite to spy on the Simpsons' yard.
Spy: Those inscrutable Americans. What are they up to now? Humungous: I will stop them. I am strong. I am the great Humungous. General: We all know you're the great Humungous. Humungous: Well, I'm just saying. General: Oh, you always just saying. Moe: [voice over] Homer, is this story going anywhere? [cut to Moe's Tavern. Homer, Lenny, and Carl are seated at the bar] Homer: Yes. Eventually, I become king of the Morlocks. Carl: But Morlocks are from the future. Homer: You calling me a liar? Moe: Wait a minute, Homer. If it's true, what about all the stuff you weren't around for? Lenny: Yeah. How'd you know the Chinese were spying on you? Homer: Oh, I just naturally assumed. Moe: That is the stupidest story I ever heard, and I read the entire "Sweet Valley High" series. -- Moe wraps up the introductory plot, "Homer the Moe"
% Moe says that he's getting sick of the bar patrons' shaggy dog % stories, so Barney shoos a literal shaggy dog out of the bar. The % dog growls as he leaves.
Homer: Jeez, Moe, you've been a real crank lately. Moe: [pulls a shotgun and points it at Homer] You take that back! Homer: Now you see, that's what I'm talking about. You're always pointing that shotgun at us. Lenny: ... and calling us dumbasses. Carl: ... which we're so not. Moe: But can you blame me? Every day it's the same old routine; I serve you drinks, you yak on and on and on, and I never get one stinking tip. [points to a tip jar, which is covered in cobwebs] Homer: Maybe we'd tip you if you'd smile once in a while. Moe: Well, what do you call this? [stretches his lips into an unholy leer, startling the guys] Carl: Don't do that. -- "Homer the Moe"
% Moe gives it up; he hasn't genuinely smiled since he speared a rat % with an ice pick. He wishes that he still had the passion of his % college days at Swigmore University. (By amazing coincidence, he % recently hung a painting of the campus in the bar.)
Carl: Gee, uh, when you talk about that school, your voice fills with, uh, what do you call it -- human feeling. Lenny: Yeah, maybe you should, uh, what's the expression -- go back there. Moe: What's the word I'm searching for, uh -- yeah! A trip to the alma mater might really rekindle my love of getting people loaded. Carl: But who'll run the bar while you're gone? Homer: [jumps up] Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Lenny: Pick me -- Lenny! Carl: Oh, pick me; I'm an urban Lenny! Moe: Look, I don't want to start a tinkling contest here ... or do I? [cut to the alley behind the bar. Homer zips up his trousers] Homer: Woo hoo! Carl: Oh, don't look so proud. That was wind-assisted. -- "Homer the Moe"
% Moe gives Homer some final instructions.
Moe: ... and if anyone wants potato chips or anything fancy, tell him to go to Hell. Homer: Can do. Now, don't you worry about a thing. [gleefully turns on a beer tap, spilling the beer onto the floor] Moe: [shuts off the tap] Hey, what are you doing? I gotta pay for that! Homer: No, Moe, you've got it all wrong. People buy beer from you. -- The return of the Beer Baron, "Homer the Moe"
% Moe isn't confident the bar is in good hands, but he leaves anyway. % Before he gets two steps away, there's a huge explosion. When Moe % rushes back in, Homer looks at him nonchalantly and says, "I thought % you had to go." % % [End of Act One. Time: 4:51] % % Moe arrives at the Swigmore U campus and does some reminiscing. % % Meanwhile, back at the tavern, Homer proves to be lenient bartender % despite the picture of a scowling, shotgun-wielding Moe hanging over % the bar. Lenny, bringing in some food, trips on a barstool. The % food flies into the ceiling fan, sling mayo and ketchup all over the % place. Homer doesn't mind, bidding his customers to "shut up and % dance." The gang does so, dancing on the bar as "Wooly Booly" plays % on the jukebox. They start slow-dancing when the song switches to a % more romantic number. When the needle skips, Homer tries fixing it % like the Fonz would, by banging the jukebox. The trick doesn't work % in real life, and Homer ends up breaking the jukebox's glass panel % instead. He bleeds profusely from his cut-up hand. % % Back on campus, a professor is giving a lecture on mixed drinks.
Professor: Now, can any of you tell me how much grenadine is in a Cosmopolitan? [the students murmur, not knowing the answer] Moe: None. A Cosmopolitan is made with cranberry juice. [the class is impressed] Professor: Moe Szyslak, you old glasswipe! -- "Homer the Moe"
% The phone rings at Moe's Tavern.
Homer: [answering the phone] Yello? [split screen, with the other half showing Bart on the couch at home] Bart: Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Tabooger. First name, Ollie. Homer: Ooh, Bart! My first prank call! What do I do? Bart: Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger. Homer: I don't get it. Bart: Yell out, "I'll eat a booger." Homer: What's the gag? Bart: Oh, forget it. [hangs up] -- Homer's first -- and last -- prank call, "Homer the Moe"
% Moe talks with his old professor.
Moe: Professor, I'm um, I'm burned out on bartending, I, when I first saw the movie "Ironweed" I thought, you know, this is for me. But now, well, I'm not so sure. Professor: Nonsense! You were born to sling suds. The problem must lie elsewhere. Describe your tavern, in one word. Moe: Uh, is "crap hole" one word? Professor: Yes, if it's hyphenated. Moe: Then I'll stick with, "crap-hole." Professor: Well, no wonder you're depressed, working in that environment. If you want my advice, beautify your hole, and you'll beautify your soul. Moe: Nice hole, nice soul. Hmmm. [the two men are standing by a pond. The sunset glints on the water] Professor: Look at that pond. Why doesn't water sparkle so? I'm dying, Moe. Moe: Is, is there anything I can do? Professor: No, unless you have a cure for cancer. [turns to Moe, hopefully] Do you have a cure for cancer? 'Cause that would be great! Moe: I'm sorry, Professor. Professor: Goodbye, Moe. Moe: Bye, Professor. [the professor walks calmly into the lake and disappears beneath the surface] Hey, don't you want to take your shoes off before you go swimming? Professor? [realizes] Oh. Oh. Um, hmmm. [slowly walks away from the lake] -- "Homer the Moe"
% Homer's in a good mood as he goes to open the bar.
I'm a-walking down the street, Gonna open Moe's bar. I'm a-singing what I'm thinking, [points to a dog] Hey, look at that dog! -- Homer Simpson, "Homer the Moe"
% A Homer approaches the bar, a barstool and a TV crash through the % front windows. Teen vandals must be trashing the place! Homer % rushes in to defend the bar, but there's no need for alarm. Moe has % taken his professor's advice and begun remodeling. Homer almost, % but doesn't quite, faint at the news.
Homer: What are you doing? Moe: My professor said if I prettied up this dump, it would renew my zeal. Homer: And it would look pretty, too. Moe: And now, I want you to meet the guy who's going to help bring Moe's into the twentieth century. Formico: I am Formico, the Dean of Design. Homer: Hi, Formico. Formico: [holding a hand to Homer's lips] Uh, uh, uh -- my name must never be spoken. Homer: Sorry. [whispers to Moe] He seems nice. -- Michael Payne would've been friendlier, though, "Homer the Moe"
% It's nice that Moe has his old enthusiasm back, but that means Homer % is out of a bartending job. He's reduced to pouring drinks and % fetching cigarettes for his children. % % Eventually, the new Moe's (rechristened "m") is ready for business. % A long line forms in front of the cubic, glass-paneled building. % Two spotlights shine the "m" logo in the night sky. Barney, Carl, % Lenny, and Homer admire the scene.
Barney: Wow, check out the new Moe's! Homer: Wow, it looks like an alien headquarters. Couldn't you just see aliens running out of there? Couldn't ya? [notices that the rest of his friends have already started towards the bar] Hey, wait up! -- "Homer the Moe"
% Homer assumes that, as a friend of the owner, he and his buddies can % cut to the head of the line. The bouncer, Cecil, doubts this but % Moe, dressed in a mod-looking suit, appears at the front door to let % the guys in. % % The inside of the bar looks kind of like an alien headquarters, too. % The old dank and dark look has been swept away in favor of new, % bright color palette. There's a large bubbling water sculpture by % one wall. Flat-screen monitors hang on the walls and from strategic % spots on the ceiling. They show a repeating loop of an eyeball % blinking and looking around. Pop music plays from a hidden sound % system, and some of the bar-goers can dance on the spacious floor.
Moe: Welcome to "m," hah? Heh, heh. So, what do you think of the new joint? Lenny: Wow, this place looks like it's from the not-too-distant future. Moe: Yeah. You like it, Homer? Homer: [looking at live rabbits wiggling in harnesses suspended from the ceiling] Um, the rabbits are cute. Lenny: Eh, that one ain't moving. [points to a still rabbit] Moe: [snaps, summoning an aide] Uh, change number 7. Carl: I don't get all this eyeball stuff. Uh, what are they supposed to represent? Uh, eyeballs? Moe: It's po-mo! [blank stares from all] Post-modern! [more staring] Yeah, all right -- weird for the sake of weird. Guys: Oooh! -- "Homer the Moe"
% The tour continues.
Carl: Where are the barstools? Moe: Up there. [points to the ceiling, where the barstools are attached, upside-down] Ain't it trippy? Homer: Uh, whatever, just give me a Duff. Moe: Oh, we don't serve Duff no more. We got a Malaysian beer that's better than Duff. It's made out of soy sauce. [hands Homer a bottle] Homer: Uh, whatever. Just give me a Duff. Moe: Hey, Formico! Uh, say hello to my beloved regulars. [Formico comes over] Formico: Oh! Hello. [unscrews the bulb from the light fixture immediately over the guys, forming a cone of darkness that blots them from view] Moe, would you like to see some attractive young models? Moe: Models? Ah, oh, boy! [he and Formico leave. Before he goes, Formico signals his assistants to come in and rope off Moe's beloved regulars] Homer: Okay -- look cool. -- That should be easy, "Homer the Moe"
% Moe schmoozes with a trio of Russian models, who sadly admit they % think Moe is attractive. % % Meanwhile, the boys try out m's oxygen bar, but they don't see much % point in it. Lenny gets trapped in a man-size hamster wheel. Homer % vows to tell Moe what he thinks of his new-fangled bar, but doesn't % go far before coming back for more oxygen. % % Moe is still talking with the models.
Model 1: After Chernobyl, my penis ... is falling off. Moe: And "penis" is Russian for ... ? Homer: [the regulars up to Moe's booth] Moe, we want our bar back! Lenny: Yeah, this place is crazy. Carl: All these beautiful people make us feel like losers. Moe: Hey, you'd be having a great time if you'd stayed in your dark spot. Homer: Oh, so you're ashamed of us. Well, you turned into a big phony! Moe: Hey, nobody calls Moe St. Cool a phony. Model 2: All this yelling is taking away my horny. Moe: Is it? Oh, well, that's it, that -- Detmar, Julian! [two bouncers come over] Throw this bum out. Homer: I'll throw myself out, thank you. [grabs his shirt collar, yanks himself toward the front door, and tosses himself to the street] I believe I had a hat! [someone throws him a hat] Suckers! [laughs and runs away] -- "Homer the Moe"
% [End of Act Two. Time: 12:42] % % To make up for the loss of his favorite pub, Homer remodels his % garage into a tavern. He installs a urinal by nailing it to the % garage wall.
Marge: Running a bar is a full-time job -- and you don't even do your full-time job. Homer: Well, when I'm passionate about something, I see it through to the end. [moves some boxes, uncovering a half-finished robot] Robot: Father, give me legs. [Homer tosses out the robot] [imploring] Father! [Homer isn't moved, and the robot drags himself away on his "arms"] -- "Homer the Moe"
% Back at m ...
Lady 1: That is so interesting. Moe: So what you talking about, something interesting? Man 1: I was just comparing Kurusawa's films to Herzog. Moe: Uh-huh. Carry on. [Moe overhears two other customers] Man 2: My diet lets me eat anything I want for one minute a day. Lady 2: My youth consultant gives me Botox injections in my head, neck, and navel. [Moe sighs and walks off. He approaches a lone man at the end of the bar] Moe: Hiya, pal. So, uh, how about them current events? [the man points to the cell phone he's using] Oh, ya one of those cell phones, eh? Yeah, no, no cord at all, on those ... [perks up] Hey, the game's on! [uses a remote control to tune one of the video eyeball screens to a football game] Crowd: Hey! I was watching that! Come on! [etc.] Man 3: Unless you're being ironic, turn that off now! [Moe does do] -- "Homer the Moe"
% Moe picks up a framed photograph of his late professor.
Moe: I'm glad you ain't around to see what a mess I made. Professor: [spectral] Oh, but I am. [Moe turns around to see the ghost of the Professor floating behind him] Moe: Wha?! Professor: You discarded your loyal regulars for a mob of soulless snobs. Moe: Well, uh, at least the tips are good. Professor: Are they, Moe? Take a look. [indeed, the jar is as empty as when we first saw it] Moe: [disgusted] Oh! Professor: [laughs maniacally] Moe: Why are you mocking me? We're friends. Professor: Oh, right. Sorry. -- The ghost of bartending past, "Homer the Moe"
% The mood is lighter at Homer's new tavern, where he and his cronies % are singing a rousing drinking song.
Guys: [to the tune of "I Love Rock and Roll"] I won't drink at Moe's, Homer's old garage is all I need. I won't drink at Moe's, Homer: 'Cause he's a big jerk and a she-male, too. Lenny: That calls for another beer. Homer: [to Marge] Barkeep! Marge: I thought this was gonna be your bar. Homer: It's a family bar, right kids? [cut to Bart and Lisa, who are washing glasses and cutting up lemons] Lisa: Can we go to bed now? Homer: As soon as you finish cutting up those lemons. Lisa: But you're not even using them. Homer: [mock baby-talk] She's so sweepy, she doesn't even know what she's saying. Carl + Lenny: Aww. -- "Homer the Moe"
% Back at *his* bar, Moe realizes he hasn't been true to his character % or his loyal regulars. He tears off his "cool" suit, revealing his % regular clothing underneath, and walks away.
How could I toss my friends out into the cold? With no place to get liquored up? -- Moe Szyslak, "Homer the Moe"
% Moe walks by Homer's house, and is surprised to find that Homer's % "bar" has drawn a big crowd. Even his house band is impressive -- % it's R.E.M., and they're playing "It's the End of the World as We % Know It (And I Feel Fine)."
Homer: [singing along] Leonardo what-his-name, Herman Munster motorcade, Birthday party Cheet-Os(tm) , pogo sticks and lemonade, Idiotic stupid jerk, that's right Flanders, I am talking about you. Lenny: How'd you get R.E.M. to play at your garage? Homer: I told them it was a benefit. They think they're saving the rainforest! [the guys all laugh] Carl: Suckers. -- "Homer the Moe"
% The band winds up the song. Peter isn't certain that Homer and his % friends are the billionaires they claim to be. Michael (Stipe) % figures the story's got to be true, because a poor person wouldn't % have a bar in his garage. Mike (Mills) tries to use the urinal, but % can't with Lenny watching. % % Moe opens the garage door.
Moe: What the ...? You can't open your own bar. Homer: Seems to me I already did. Moe: But it's illegal. You, you can't run a bar in a private residence. Homer: Bar? I see no bar. This is a hunting club. [points to a sign reading, "Homer's Hunting Club"] Which is permitted by state law [picks up a law book] "to serve beverages of a refreshing nature." Moe: Hunting club? Michael: You lied to us! [smashes a beer bottle, and holds the jagged end threateningly] Homer: [yelps] Aaah! [Mike and Peter hold Michael back] Mike: Michael, no! Peter: That's not the R.E.M. way. Michael: You're right. Let's recycle those shards and get out of here. [they sweep up the glass and leave] -- "Homer the Moe"
% Consulting Homer's legal book, Moe finds a regulation stating that % there's more to hunting clubs than refreshing beverage service. A % club must also engage in the sport of hunting. Over Lisa's % objections, Homer says he'll go hunting tomorrow. % % The next day, Lisa is still trying to persuade her father to drop % the hunting idea. Homer presses on anyway and sets up a dish with % cranberry sauce, stuffing, and potatoes, hoping that a turkey will % come along to complete the picture. Frustrated, Lisa walks away.
Moe: [from the bushes] Lisa! Lisa: Moe? Moe: [stands up] Listen, I don't like you, you don't like me, but we both want to stop Homer from shooting a turkey. Lisa: You don't like me? I like you. Moe: You do? Then I like you, too. Here, have a towelette. [gives her one] -- Mutual affection, "Homer the Moe"
% Homer tries to call a turkey by literally yelling, "Here, turkey, % turkey, turkey!" Moe tries to set up a more sophisticated system % with Lisa.
Moe: From now on, no talking. If you want to signal me, use this bird call. [whistles like a bird. An eagle swoops down and pecks Moe on the face] Ow! Not the face! [the bird switches to Moe's groin] Ooh! Ooh! Okay, the face! [the bird switches back] Ooh! Whoa, that actually feels good after the, after the crotch. -- Relative threshold of pain, "Homer the Moe"
% Meanwhile, Homer still is on the hunt for "the only animal smarter % than man" -- a turkey. He gets one in his sights and, eventually, % identifies it as his quarry. Before Homer can shoot, Moe scares the % bird away with a cougar call -- and takes a bullet in the leg when % Homer fires at the "cougar" instead. When Homer realizes his % mistake, he faints for real. % % Cut to a still picture of Moe's Tavern, restored to its former % glory.
Lisa: [voice-over] How'd you get the bar back to normal so quickly, Moe? Moe: [voice-over] It's a snap when you use certified contractors. Bart: [voice-over] Like the ones found in your local yellow pages? Moe: Exactly. -- "Homer the Moe"
% The Simpson family, R.E.M., and Moe have Thanksgiving dinner in % Moe's newly re-renovated bar.
Homer: [putting down a platter with a cooked turkey on it] I'm sorry I shot you, Moe. Moe: Ah, that's okay. It's like my Dad always said: Eventually, everybody gets shot. Marge: Oh, I'm glad you two are friends again, so we can all have Thanksgiving dinner together in this bar. Homer: Hey, who invited the hippies? [indicates R.E.M.] Lisa: I did. You owe R.E.M. an apology for eco-fraud. Homer: All right, I'm sorry. But I will not save the rainforest. Peter: Good enough. Let's eat. Lisa: And we can all be thankful to Michael, Peter, and Mike, for supplying this beautiful turkey, made entirely of tofu. Mike: Tofu *and* gluten. Bart: I'm thankful I ate before I came. Michael: Aw, come on, Bart, smell those curds. Mmmm ... curds. -- It's curdilicious, "Homer the Moe"
% Homer says he's thankful to spend the day with his family, Moe, and % "these alternative rockers." Then, he deposits perhaps the first % tip ever in Moe's jar. Moe rings the bell, the two men smile, and % the scene fades to black. % % [End of Act Three. 20:16] % % Normal closing credits and Gracie Sound.
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{af} Alex Foley
{bjr} Benjamin Robinson
{cl} Chad Lehman
{dj} Darrel Jones
{jc} Jeff Cross
{jg2} Joe Green
{jk} Joe Klemm
{js} Jeremy Styron
{jw} John Winter
{ts} Ted Schuerzinger==============================================================================
============================================================================== This episode capsule is Copyright 2004 Benjamin Robinson. It is not to be redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current maintainer ([email]). All quoted material and episode summaries remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox. All other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors. The Quote and Scene Summary itself is Copyright 2004 Benjamin Robinson. This capsule has been brought to you by Swigmore University.
This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie, Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are today.