Not up to date but funny.
"Ah, there's nothing like moonshine from your own still."
"Ahh, it's making my dizzy. Ah, I think I'm going to take a nap."
"Alight your gaze on yonder fabled beasts of yore."
"All right, Captain Rush-Rush, out of the car!"
"All right, you scrawny beanpoles, becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge."
"Alright, come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto freshener that says Capricorn, and something with coconut on it."
"And once a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and legal."
"At last, an excuse to wear makeup!"
"Did you have that same backwards-talking dream with flaming cards?"
"Do not be alarmed, continue swimming naked. Aww, c'mon, continue! Come on! Awww. ...Alright, Lou, open fire."
"Don't snap my undies."
"Don't write checks your butt can't cash!"
"Enough of your borax, poindexter!"
"Evening, Simpson. You got a short and your taillight started blinking when you made that turn."
"Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer, and I am the... um... What cures cancer?"
"He's crazy, boys. Get the taser."
"Help! Help us! They stole our uniforms, guns, and tasers!"
"Hey Krusty, Krusty, remember the time we got loaded and set those beavers loose in that pine furniture store?"
"Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake him away, toys."
"Hey, according to the charter as Chief Constable I'm supposed to get a pig every month, and two comely lasses of virtue true."
"Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box."
"Hey, we know how to play softball."
"High as a kite, everybody! Goofballs!"
"I can assure you that we're using the most advanced scientific techniques in the field of...body-finding."
"I keep my pants on in this version."
"I really hate to spoil this little love-in, but Mr. Malloy broke the law. And when you break the law, you gotta go to jail."
"I'm on a road. Uh, looks to be asphalt ...oh, geez, trees, shrubs ...er, I'm directly under the earth's sun ...now!"
"It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel."
"Just a minute! This isn't Mr. Burns at all! It's a mask!"
"Let that be a lesson to the rest of you nuts!"
"Look alive, boys. A couple of stewed prunes coming your way."
"Looking good, boys."
"Looks like we got ourselves an old-fashioned car chase."
"Looks like you just bought yourself a lottery ticket -- to jail!"
"Magic ticket, my ass, McBain."
"Mmmm, engine-block eggs. If we can keep these down, we'll be sitting pretty."
"Never underestimate the appeal of a man in uniform."
"Nice work boys."
"No, you got the wrong number. This is nine-one....two."
"Now where did I put my gun? Oh yeah, I set it down when I got a piece of cake!"
"Oh my God! It just disappeared. It's a ghost-car!"
"Oh my God! Jebediah's body has been replaced with a skeleton!"
"Oh, for gosh g-- can't you people solve these problems yourselves? I mean, we can't be, er, "policing" the whole city."
"Oh, great. Well, if anyone asks, uh, I beat him to death, okay?"
"Oh, isn't that cute. A baby driving a car. And look, there's a dog driving a bus!"
"Oh, my God! Someone's taken a bite out of the big Rice Krispie square! ...Oh yeah, and the waiter's been brutally beaten."
"Oh, right. How are you going to get them? Skeleton power?"
"Aww, nothing gets chocolate out...see."
"Put on an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of... you know, that place that sells chilli. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless."
"Quiet! I can't hear the eggs."
"Really? I keep my pants on in this version."
"Run along, Quimby, I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere."
"Shut your word hole!"
"Son, whether you want to win a girl or crack a nut the key word is persistence."
"That was a pretty addictive video game."
"That's some nice flutin', boy."
"This bird's gonna fly!"
"Uh, Homer? Bring me another one of those...uh, burgers would ya? I can't quite seem to...stand up under my own power anymore."
"We're still not close. Boy! This is going to be an all-night brain-buster. Oh, we're out of coffee! Oh, well, I'll just drink this warm cream."
"Whoa, whoa, slow down, egghead!"
"Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say `D'oh'."
"Yeah, where's your Messiah now, Flanders?"
"You be Carl Reiner, and I'll be police chief Wiggum."
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah."
"You missed the baby, you missed the blind man."
"You talk the talk, Quimby, but do you walk the walk."
===============================================================================
Some Chief Wiggum Scenes (extract from those wonderful episode capsules when possible)...
[8F13]
Umpire: Okay, let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until
you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. You have to
chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. Oh, and the
fourth inning is the beer inning.
Wiggum: Hey, we know how to play softball.[8F14]
Wiggum: Don't you worry Mr. Mayor, this little bird will be cracking
rocks by the end of the week.
Quimby: Wiggum, you glorified night watchman, let her go!
Wiggum: But she broke the law!
Quimby: Thanks for the civics lesson. Now, listen to me --
if Marge Simpson goes to jail, I can kiss the chick vote
good-bye. And if I go down, you're going to break my fall!
Wiggum: Word to the wise, Quimby -- don't write checks your butt can't
cash!
Quimby: Hear me loud and clear, Wiggum -- you bite me, I'll bite back!
Wiggum: You talk the talk, Quimby, but do you walk the walk?![8F15] Wiggum: Looks like you just bought yourself a lottery ticket -- to jail! Eddie: He's unconscious, sir. Wiggum: Ah, they can still hear things.
[8F20] SsBob: Bart, I must know. How did you untangle my web? Wiggum: Yeah, Bart, pull us in! Bart: Well, I'd hate to tell the number one cop in town how to do his job... Wiggum: No no, please. It's the only way I'll learn. Bart: I'd hate to tell the number one cop in town how to do his job. Wiggum: Please! It's the only way I'll learn.
[9F10] Quimby: Watch it, you walking tub of donut batter! Wiggum: Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby. Quimby: You don't scare me. That could be anyone's ass!
[9F12] Lou: There's a couple guys fight'n at the aquarium, Chief! Wiggum: Do they still sell those frozen bananas? Lou: Yeah, I think so. Wiggum: Let's roll.
[9F13] Homer: Something wrong officer? Wiggum: Yeah, you got a tail light out. Homer: Where? Wiggum: [smashes Homer's tail light] Right there. Homer: You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops! Wiggum: They are? Oh, no! Have they set a date?
[9F14]
Wiggum: [on phone] Uh, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news.
Your husband was found DOA.
Marge: Oh, my God! He's dead?!
Wiggum: Oh, wait. I mean DWI. Heh, heh, heh. I always get those two
mixed up. [hangs up phone]
Woman: My name's Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband's DWI.
Wiggum: Uh, why don't you talk to that officer over there.
I'm going out to lunch.[9F17] Eddie: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place. Wiggum: Forget it. That's two blocks away. Eddie: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney! Wiggum: I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8. Eddie: [into radio] We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels.
[9F20]
Wiggum: Release the dogs.
Lou: Gee, they look pretty mad!
Wiggum: Ya, I've been starvin' 'em, teasin' 'em, singin' off key...
ma mi mo...[9F22]
Wiggum: I'd like to help you ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no
law against mailing threatening letters.
Marge: [indignantly] I'm pretty sure there is.
Wiggum: Hah! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle --
Lou: Hey, she's right, Chief. [shows him "Springfield Law"]
Wiggum: Well, shut my mouth. It's also illegal to put squirrels down
your pants for the purposes of gambling.
[Shot of Eddie with squirrels running around in his
pants, and a bunch of cops watching and laughing]
Boys, knock it off![9F21] Lou: Pretty, huh, Chief? Wiggum: It sure is, Lou, it sure is....get the tear gas.
[9F22] Wiggum: Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me "Chief Piggum!" [everyone laughs] Heh, now I get it. That's good.
[9F22] Bart: Take him away, boys. Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake him away, toys. Lou: What'd you say, chief? Wiggum: Do what the kid says.
[1F03] Wiggum: Oh, Simpson! What are you doing here? Homer: My wife is having a girls' night out. Wiggum: Aw, just get one of those inflatable women. But make sure it's a woman, though, because one time I...heh.
[1F15]
[to caller #1] Yeah, right, lady -- an elephant ran through your front yard.
Okay.
[to caller #2] Wiggum. Yeah, right, mister, mm hum. An elephant just
knocked over your mailbox. Okay.
[to caller #3] Wiggum. Yeah, right, buddy, liquor store robbery, officer
down. Sure. And I'm Edward G. Robinson.[2F03] Marge: [into microphone] Hello, police? This is Marge Simpson. My husband is on a murderous rampage. Over. Wiggum: Well thank God that's over. I was worried there for a second.
[2F18] Wiggum: Don't worry, folks, we'll find your wallet. Marge: Dogs! Chief, you're getting powdered sugar all over my floor. Wiggum: No I'm not, no I'm not. I'm, um, dusting for prints.
[3F06] Wiggum: Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh. Uh, better start with Greektown. Friday: That's "Homer J. Simpson", Chief. You're reading it upside down. Wiggum: Uh, cancel that APB. But, uh, bring back some of them, uh, gyros. Friday: Uh, Chief? You're talking into your wallet.