Woohoo... for all of you fans out there, it was officially announced on Phish's website today.
http://www.phish.com/print/news_print.html
"IT'S OFFICIAL: Phish To Appear On 'THE SIMPSONS' In Spring 2002 10.30.01 It was only a matter of time...We're happy to announce that Phish has a cameo in a scene in a Simpsons episode in the show's 13th season. In the episode (titled "Weekend at Bernsie's"), Homer enjoys the benefits of medical marijuana until it's legality is threatened by a referendum. In one scene, Phish plays a rally for the cause. The band members recorded their parts over the past couple months at the 20th Century Fox studios in Los Angeles. The exact airdate has not yet been set, but expect it to appear on the Fox network sometime between March and May of 2002. "
Well, okay. I wrote this thing during Season 6; my thinking was to send it (and another I wrote) to the writers ...to keep their ideas flowing, and to keep the show on the air. How naive, eh?
There are many jokes in the script that are similar to jokes in recent episodes, and it may make the script seem like a homage or ripoff of some episode. For example, Homer's dummy gets promoted in AABF21 (the one with the walkman singing "She works hard for the money") Also, Burns throws coins to the people as in the movie Batman (That happened in episode AABF17) I've already talked about the effigy dummies appearing in recent episodes, and about how they reminded me of a script I wrote... (yup. This one)
Please understand that none of my jokes are derivative of others done on the show; many similar jokes have just popped up in the show during 6 seasons of episodes.
I'm only posting this script because of the totally BITCHING news that they actually made an episode named "Weekend at Burnsies" for Season 13. This thing has been on a few websites, with mostly good feedback. I'm sure most of you will think it "coulda used a vampire, though"...
--- WEEKEND AT BURNSIE'S
by
Chad Lehman
ACT ONE
EST. SPRINGFIELD/NUCLEAR POWER PLANT - DAY
MR. BURNS SPEAKS from a window box to his EMPLOYEES below. SMITHERS is at his side.
BURNS
My dear, faithful employees. This
TRULY is a monumentous occasion. For
the second week in a row you've managed
to, uh... not dump nuclear contaminant
down someone's trousers. And JUST for
that, you deserve a reward...
The WORKERS MUMBLE. HOMER pulls out the back of CARL's pants to dump in a BARREL of glowing, PULSATING liquid. Carl and LENNY are oblivious.
HOMER
(RETHINKING) Ooh, this sounds GOOD.
LENNY
I wonder what it could be... (DREAMING)
Lenny envisions Burns SHOWERING his workers with GOLD SOVEREIGNS like Jack Nicholson in BATMAN: THE MOVIE.
Carl envisions Burns doing a swan dive off the balcony, landing on his head, and the employees having a free-for-all kickfest.
CARL
Come to papa!
HOMER
(IMAGINING) Hmmmm...
Homer envisions the same setting, only Burns MOONS the workers and gives Homer the O.K. Homer then pours radioactive waste down Burns' pants and Burns WAILS disturbingly.
Homer grabs the BARREL and RUNS toward the building.
HOMER
(YELLING) I'm coming, Monty! Where do
you want it?
In the distance, Homer trips, falls, spills waste all over himself, and YELLS "D'OH".
Smithers WHISPERS something into Burns' ear.
BURNS
In strict appreciation of your hard
work and sweat, AND, in lieu of a
paycheck, (CHEERING) Mr. Smithers will
now give each and every one of you a
very enthusiastic THUMBS UP!
Smithers gives a modest smile and thumbs up to the crowd. They stare in SILENCE. Homer gets up and LICKS his arms which are covered with radioactive GOO.
Burns prods Smithers, who reluctantly gives a goofy grin, and an energetic "Conan O'Brien" thumbs up. The crowd BURSTS into applause with a "Hooray!"
The screen BLACKS. "Next pay day..." appears on screen.
NUCLEAR POWER PLANT - DAY
The same scene as before, only shorter.
BURNS
INSTEAD of paychecks-- Smithers!
Smithers varies his thumbs up. The crowd CHEERS at the top of their lungs.
Homer once again licks green goo off his arms, but then he looks up at Burns.
HOMER
(INNOCENT) Huh?
The screen BLACKS. "Next pay day..." appears on screen.
Quick shot of crowd CHEERING, and Smithers "thumbing".
HOMER
(DISTURBED) Hey!
The screen BLACKS. "Next pay day..." appears on screen.
The crowd CHEERS and CHANTS "BURNS! BURNS! BURNS!". Homer is angry.
HOMER
(THINKING) Something is WRONG here...
He looks at Burns and Smithers, who wave. A banner reads "Thumbs: YES! Paychecks: NO!" He looks at his green waste covered arms. He looks at the crowd, then back at Burns. He looks at his arms. Pausing, he licks one of his arms.
The screen BLACKS. "Next pay day..." appears on screen.
The crowd CHEERS.
HOMER
Alright, alright already! I GOT it.
PARKING LOT - LATER
Homer GRUMBLES and SWEARS under his breath ("No money, doesn't even want to-- nuclear waste down his pants--IDON'TWANNA hear it-- you lousy..." etc) as he walks out to his car. His teeth CLENCH.
He gets in, JERKS the gearshift into reverse. His FOOT SLAMS the accelerator. TIRES SQUEAL and SMOKE loudly. The car RACES back out of the parking space. The GAS GAUGE empties. He shifts into DRIVE, the engine ROARS at 8000 rpm, the gas gauge is EMPTY, and the engine dies. His car sits two feet from the parking space. (A PAINED GRUNT)
SPRINGFIELD STREET - LATER
HOMER GRUMBLES under his breath while pushing his car. The STEERING WHEEL dangerously VEERS left each time a HONKING car passes. Homer SWEARS and SHAKES his fist.
He passes a TOWING GARAGE: Fee $50. GRUMBLING, he pulls out his wallet, which is empty except for a PICTURE of Smithers doing a thumbs up. SWEARING, he THROWS the wallet.
SPRINGFIELD STREET - LATER
Getting tired, Homer still GRUMBLES. He pushes the car on the wrong side of the road. Frantic drivers HONK and YELL.
Homer passes a gas station. Gas: $1.49 & 9/10. WHINING about "9/10ths", he empties his pockets. COINS FLY all over the road. The CAR rolls... He picks up some coins. The car rolls faster and goes off road into a corn field. He sees his car and SHRIEKS.
SPRINGFIELD STREET - LATER
Night draws closer. Homer GRUMBLES as he pulls the car with a strap tied around his waist.
Cornstalks cover the car. Ears of corn stick in Homer's ragged clothing. His stomach GROWLS. He comes upon a "TACO DIVE". The marquee says "Free Churro w/picture of Mr. Smithers". While GRUMBLING, he says "OOOoooo!".
He walks through the drive-thru, ROPE around his waist. He collects his churro at the window. His car pulls up behind him and RUNS him over.
SPRINGFIELD STREET - LATER
HOMER smiles broadly, trying to thumb a ride. An 18-WHEELER stops, and he gets in. The rope is still around his waist. The truck pulls away and Homer's car, hidden in the bushes, LUNGES out after the truck. Homer GRUNTS; his eyes BULGE. The rope connecting him and his car pulls taut.
EVERGREEN TERRACE - LATER
Homer gets off the truck, and waves with a "THANK YOU." As he walks up the driveway, his car SPEEDS down the street into a neighbor's yard, dragging him by the rope.
NED FLANDERS peeks out of an upstairs window, night cap on. He is unfazed by the damage to his yard.
FLANDERS
(CHEERFUL) Well, hi-diddly-di-DO there,
reckless stranger-danger! Say, is that
YOU, Homer Simpson?
The CAR is on its back bumper, leaning on a tree. Homer lies upside down on the trunk, his feet on the roof and his head resting in a birdbath.
HOMER
(SING-SONG) Shut UP, Flanders.
FLANDERS
(AGREEING) Oh, sure thing. It's just
that your family is staying in our
rumpus room tonight-- you know-- until
your mortgage company gives you that
ninth payment extension you asked for.
HOMER
(EXPECTING HIM TO SHUT UP) FLANDERS...
FLANDERS
Why don't you come in and hob-knob with
the Ned, Maude, Rod and Todd squad?
Homer is almost motionless.
HOMER
(TICKED) Alright, ALRIGHT! Keep your
PIDDLY PANTS on, FLADILLY DANDERS!
FLANDERS
Come again?
FLANDERS HOUSE - RUMPUS ROOM - LATER
BART, LISA and MAGGIE sit on the carpet in their pajamas. HOMER walks in, bruised, bloody and befouled. The kids run and hug his legs.
LISA BART
Dad! Alright, HOMER!
BART
PLEASE say you're here to save us from
this white suburban hell.
LISA
The Flanders made us brush our teeth
with rosemary leaves, and they only let
us flush the toilet once an hour.
HOMER
(KINDLY) Kids, kids. Daddy's angry, so
shut up and let him think. Besides,
Bart, this is a YELLOW suburban hell.
YELLOW...
He points to the yellow skin on his arm. MARGE stumbles into the room, looking exhausted.
MARGE
(VERY TIRED) Hi, Homey. (KISS)
She collapses into a chair.
HOMER
(INSENSITIVELY) Marge, aren't you going
to ask me about my day?
MARGE
(HALF ASLEEP) Oh, I'm sorry. Ever since
Mr. Burns quit paying you, I spend
twice as much energy FRETTING, I FUSS
three times more than usual, and my
WORRYING is off the charts. Plus, the
Flanders think owning a vacuum cleaner
shows a lack of faith in God, so I
spent the afternoon picking lint out of
the Stainmaster.
HOMER
(WAVING) Marge, hel-LO, look at me!
I'm three hours late!
BART
You think YOU'VE had a bad day, Dad.
Well, every half-hour Ned Flanders
comes downstairs and tells us to--
FLANDERS OPENS the basement door and cuts Bart off.
FLANDERS
(CHEERFUL) --REPENT, ye sinning
ce-dilly-dellar dwellers. (EXCITED)
OOOOOooo! And you can start by asking
forgiveness for leaving the light on
past 9 o'clock!
Flanders CLICKS the light out on the Simpsons and SHUTS the door. We see the family's eyeballs in the dark.
HOMER
(GRUMBLING) This is all Mr. Burns'
fault, and, boy oh boy, is MY LIVER
going to PAY. I'm going to Moe's!
Homer walks outside and sees his car against the tree.
HOMER
(SOFTLY) Oh, yeah. Guess I'll walk.
MOE'S TAVERN - NIGHT
Homer PANTS heavily, opens the door and enters. RAGTIME piano MUSIC fills the bar as happy, drunk PATRONS dance around blissfully.
LENNY and CARL and other nuclear plant workers dance and mingle with SHOWGIRLS and such.
LENNY
(TO A FRIEND) --I put in 70 hours at
the plant and 20 hours at the gristle
factory, you know, just to make ends
meet. But when Mr. Burns told Mr.
Smithers to give us the thumbs up, it
was like winning the lottery!
CARL
Oh, yeah. My self-esteem shot through
the ROOF!
Carl CHUGS the rest of his beer, and PASSES OUT. Other employees rave about Burns, and the thumbs up. Homer SITS at the bar. MOE prepares to serve Homer a beer.
MOE
So, how's the man with the liver like
an iron stomach?
HOMER
I didn't get a paycheck today.
Moe freezes before he dispenses any beer into the mug. He frowns, wipes the mug, and puts it away.
MOE
You know, Homer, why don't you just
slap on one of those SICKENING happy
faces and enjoy yourself? Or better
yet, I got a buddy who runs Eddie's
All-Night Effigy Emporium. You know,
when you hate someone so bad, you've
gotta hang and burn their lousy carcass
on a stick. I go there four times a
week. See? I don't need alcohol to
solve my problems--
HOMER
Alright, how 'bout a beer on the house?
Moe pretends not to hear, and levels a SHOTGUN at Homer.
MOE
--In other words, GET OUTTA HERE.
EDDIE'S EFFIGY EMPORIUM - NIGHT
A SIGN says "Urkel dummies SOLD OUT". HOMER walks in.
Thousands of DUMMIES line the walls. A disinterested WOMAN looking a bit like Lunch Lady Doris stands behind the counter. She smokes a massive STOGIE.
HOMER
Whoa! So YOU'RE Eddie?
EDDIE
(GRUFF) Far as I'm concerned, honey
buns, this is a woman's world, so if
yer just gonna stand there breathing my
air, GET OUT.
Homer rubs the back of his head.
HOMER
O.K., ummmm.... I'd like a--
EDDIE
Hey, I got a humidor full of Cohibas I
gotta smoke by 6:30. You wanna BURN
someone or not? The President? Saddam?
The Dalai Llama? Richard Simmons?
(LEANING IN) I'll make it EASY for you.
Our special anonymous white male dummy.
Burn the root of all evil for $9.95.
HOMER
Do you have a Mr. Burns dummy?
EDDIE
(EXCITED) Do I?! (CALM) Got a sheesh
load of 'em in back. Everyone likes
him all of the sudden, what with his
fancy pants thumb raising. Take one
for free. Yeah. White men. Always
wanting stuff for free.
HOMER
(HUMBLY) But madam, I'm a YELLOW ma--
EDDIE
--AH! The male dominance crap again.
FLANDERS HOUSE -RUMPUS ROOM- DAY
Several running FOOTSTEPS approach. HOMER flies into the air above us with an "AAAIGHH" and DROPS a 'flying elbow' on us.
Homer's angry face fills the screen as he PUNCHES and LUNGES at us.
The room WHIRLS around with Homer at the center, GROWLING, GRUNTING and YELLING. The BURNS DUMMY hits a nearby wall with a wide eyed grin on its face. Homer DIVES into the dummy and HEADBUTTS it.
Homer's GIGGLES as he pulls out the back of the dummy's pants and dumps in a BARREL of RADIOACTIVE WASTE.
Homer YELLS at the dummy ad-lib, PUNCHING, KICKING, and TWEAKING its nose with every word.
Homer sits against the wall with his arm around the dummy's shoulders, PANTING heavily.
HOMER
(TIRED) Gotta hand it to you, Burns.
You sure can take a pile driver.
Homer looks into the dummy's eyes. Bright MUSIC plays as the dummy seems to smile back at Homer.
HOMER
(FRIENDLY) Ahh, come here, you!
Homer softly headlocks the dummy and KNUCKLE BURNS its head. He CHUCKLES, then blows RASPBERRIES on its head.
MONTAGE - HOMER AND BURNSIE
Homer and the dummy become friends, with cheesy MUSIC in the background ("LOVE BOAT THEME"?)
Homer and the dummy sit at the bar, enjoying a beer.
Homer BOWLS a ball at us, then motions for the dummy to do the same. Homer pushes the dummy. It slides on its feet a ways, then collapses. The bowling ball attached to its hand RIPS its arm off and it gets a strike. Homer titters shyly.
Homer sits back with a cigar, crosses his legs, and lays his arms on the backrest. He looks over at the dummy, who has a lit cigar, but is also on fire. He panics, throws the dummy on the ground and stomps out the fire.
Homer "shushes" the dummy and then taps a big, ugly MAN on the shoulder. When he turns around, Homer points at the dummy. The man takes his anger out on the dummy.
Homer and the dummy ride in the front of a roller coaster. Homer throws his arms up and enjoys himself. The dummy flies out of the car. Homer looks over his shoulder, and gets smacked in the back of the head by a support beam.
Homer sits in the emergency room rubbing his head. The nurse comes in with a huge needle. Homer points to the dummy, who gets the shot. Homer pumps his fist with a "yes!"
In a tall tree shaded lane, Homer walks away from us with one of the dummy's arms over his shoulder. The dummy's feet drag on the ground.
POWER PLANT PARKING LOT - DAY
HOMER arrives in Marge's car, with the dummy buckled into the passenger seat.
SECTOR SEVEN G - AT THAT MOMENT
The dummy leans on the console; Homer lounges in his chair.
HOMER
See? This is what I do all day.
(PAUSE) Now YOU try.
Homer sits the dummy in his chair, and it slumps forward onto the console.
HOMER
(EXCITED) Hey! You're better at this
than I am! Put 'er THERE, dummy!
Homer attempts to shake the dummy's HAND, which has only three fingers and NO THUMB.
HOMER
Ew-w-w! No thumb. Even MONKEYS have
THUMBS! (GASP) You ARE a dummy!
BURNS' OFFICE - AT THAT MOMENT
CASH is stacked to the ceiling. There is only enough space in the room for Burns' desk, BURNS, and SMITHERS.
On a surveillance screen, the Burns dummy slumps on the control panel.
BURNS (O.S.)
SMITHERS! Who IS that virile young
lothario, vaguely resembling Lionel
Barrymore?
SMITHERS (O.S.)
Why, it appears to be YOU, sir--
Smithers is suspended in a mountain of cash.
SMITHERS
Albeit less virile.
Burns is suspended as well.
BURNS
Yes. That insolent smile on his face
pales next to my come-hither scowl.
Burns GRUNTS as he frowns and scowls mightily.
SMITHERS
(TURNED ON) Oh- don't get me started
on your SCOWL! (PURRS)
BURNS
(PAUSE) Smithers, I need to get out for
a bit of fresh, power plant air. These
few dollars I saved by not paying the
workers are becoming tiresome.
SMITHERS
Freedom's just a breast stroke away,
sir.
Smithers swims over and opens the door. Immediately, Burns and Smithers are carried by a RUSH of cash barreling out the doors and down the hall. They both SCREAM frailly.
A CAR with "AFL/CIO" on the door pulls up. A serious looking UNION PERSON gets out MUMBLING "NO PAYCHECKS? We'll see about THIS." The RUMBLING gets louder. Burns and Smithers SCREAM. Tons of cash, as well as Burns and Smithers SHOOT out of a COOLING TOWER and off into the distance.
The UNION PERSON walks through hallways littered with cash, and walks into Burns' office.
UNION PERSON
Alright, WHERE'S this MR. BURNS?
Frightening ORCHESTRA HITS as we get closer and closer to a surveillance screen. When we arrive, HOMER is on screen, cramming doughnuts. We back up three ORCHESTRA HITS, and move on a screen with the Burns dummy, which GRINS nastily.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SPRINGFIELD ALLEY - DAY
A sign on the building says "CONVENIENT" AIR CUSHION, INC. Faint SCREAMS get louder, and louder, until BURNS and SMITHERS drop out of the sky. Burns LANDS softly, chest down on a REVEALED 30 ft. air cushion. Smithers LANDS pelvis down on the AIR PUMP, writhing.
Lying down, wind knocked out of him, HANDS on crotch, Smithers pulls himself towards Burns by the heels of his feet. Burns stands in front of the deflating cushion, dusting his shoulders.
SMITHERS
(BARELY SQUEAKS) My god... Sir... Are
you ok...?
BURNS
Yes, I'm "o", AND "k"... and I'll thank
you to stop lollygagging. (SEES SMITHERS' HANDS)
Provocative
or no, keep your hands at your sides!
On second thought, signal a motor cab.
The thought of you loafing troubles me.
SMITHERS
(NO BREATH) Certainly... sir...
Burns walks toward the street. Smithers slowly pulls himself by his heels, feebly raising an arm to salute a cab.
On the roof of the building, a SALESMAN talks to (STEVEN SEGAL or famous action hero).
SALESMAN
So, Mr. Segal. Would you like to buy a
"Convenient" brand air cushion?
SEGAL
Sure. I'll pay you at the bottom.
Segal jumps, YELLING. The Salesman watches. After a few seconds, a loud THUD comes from O.S.
SALESMAN
OH crap.
FLANDERS HOUSE - DAY
HOMER pulls up in Marge's car. His car is damaged heavily, still propped up against the tree.
Inside, MARGE, BART, LISA, and MAGGIE wait by the door, urgent looks on their faces.
MARGE
Hi honey, why are you home so early?
It's only 1:--
Marge grabs her car KEYS from Homer, and she and the kids BLUR out the door.
LISA BART
Bye, Dad-- SAVE yourself, Homer!--
The car is heard SCREECHING out of the driveway. Homer talks as if Marge were still there.
HOMER
(OBLIVIOUS) The dummy is covering for
me. He's better than I am! aah-- Marge?
Marge?? ... KIDS?? ...
(Homage to Jurassic Park) Soft, scary MUSIC plays as Homer searches for his family. A STRANGER's POV from behind a pillar shows Homer alone and vulnerable.
The stalker moves closer, Homer peeks under sofa cushions. A scary CRESCENDO as the stalker JUMPS OUT in front of Homer, who cowers. It is the FLANDERS FAMILY.
NED/MAUDE/ROD/TODD
SURPRISE!
NED FLANDERS
It's SCRIPTURE HOUR! Get him!
Homer SHRIEKS as the family runs after him, bibles in hands.
(Homer goes into "time lapse" speed) Homer whips out the door, Flanders' family chases him in slow motion. He pulls his car door latch 10 times in 1/2 second, kicks the rear tire 10 times, with 10 rapid fire ANNOYED GRUNTS.
Ned's family creeps closer. Homer runs underneath the engine, JIGGLES the car at super-human speed, and the car falls off the tree onto him. He SHRIEKS painfully.
The Flanders inch closer. At lightning speed, Homer WIGGLES free, gets in the car, SLAMS the door, and PEELS away sideways out of the yard. The Flanders continue to creep.
MARGE'S CAR - AT THAT MOMENT
MARGE speeds down the street. BART, LISA, and MAGGIE are anxiously still.
MARGE
What a terrible place to raise a
family.
LISA
Denizens of Hell beat a hasty retreat,
and let fall the house of Usher...
BART
(ADRENALINE) I've had it. I'm not going
back. As of now, I sleep in the gutter.
Maggie SUCKS twice in agreement.
MARGE
(GROWL) I hope your father got out of
there alive.
SNPP PARKING LOT - AT THAT MOMENT
HOMER's car LAYS RUBBER, sliding sideways into another car. Homer gets out and SPRINTS back into the plant.
SECTOR SEVEN G - AT THAT MOMENT
HOMER walks in, BREATHING hard. His chair is turned away.
HOMER
Phew! Finally, somewhere I can RELAX.
(TO CHAIR) So, dummy, how was the
pressure cooker today--
He turns the chair around, and the dummy is gone.
HOMER
(QUICK SHRIEK) Where'd he go? (GASP)
He did so GOOD, he got promoted...
(THINKING, PAUSING)
Homer SPRINTS away.
BURNS' OFFICE - AT THAT MOMENT
The UNION PERSON talks to the dummy, which slouches in Burns' chair. The room is about 1/2 full of cash.
UNION PERSON
So; realizing you are 108 years old--or
more-- I'll forgive you for not talking
back to me. (WAITS) Fine. (WAITS) I
suppose you want ME to figure this out.
(WAITS) Sure. (DEEP BREATH) All right.
SNPP CORRIDOR - AT THAT MOMENT
HOMER runs down the hall, HUFFING.
BURNS' OFFICE - LATER
UNION PERSON
So, in effect, if you want to give the
workers all of this latent cash (PAUSE)
don't move a muscle... O.K., good.
How about a bribe for say, oh-- me...
The dummy has a deranged look on its face.
UNION PERSON (CONT'D)
You got it, pal. (GRABS CASH) If...
you... want me to skip the country and
fly to Brazil under cover of darkness,
mmm, stay there... (PAUSE) Bub-bye--
He pauses, then grabs some more cash lightning fast. He STREAKS out the door. HOMER comes barrelling in.
HOMER
Dummy! (LOOKS AT CASH, GASP) MONEY!
SPRINGFIELD STREET "SKID DRIVE" - LATER
MARGE, BART, LISA and MAGGIE sit on the sidewalk. Their car is parked nearby. Marge cooks over a fire Lisa is building. Bart lies down in the gutter, and makes like a luge runner.
BART
Always THOUGHT I'd end up here. HEY!
This ain't half bad! (SMILES)
He ROLLS back and forth, arms at sides.
Car tires SQUEAL. HOMER arrives, his car full of CASH.
HOMER
Kids! Let's go home! Your daddy just
got the motherlode! Woo hoo!
MARGE/LISA
Yay!
Bart lies in the gutter. Green SLIME rushes down the gutter toward him.
BART
(RELUCTANT) Aaoww, man. I'll never HAVE
a nicer place than THIS...
He GRUNTS and jumps out of the way as the slime rushes by.
SNPP GUARD BOOTH - DAY
MR. BURNS and SMITHERS stand beside the security station outside the plant. A GUARD sits in the booth, legs propped up. The floor is littered with CASH. He shuffles bills like cards and wraps them into bundles.
GUARD
(HALF-SMILING) --ey! I don't know YOU,
I don't know yer GRAMMA, yer uncle yer
half-mother, whatever. And I don't know
your BOYFRIEND either... Heh heh...
He TWINKLES his fingers at Smithers.
GUARD (CONT'D)
Hi, sweetie-pie!
Smithers looks STUNNED, then ashamed. He turns his back away from Mr. Burns. Burns is furious.
BURNS
Boy-friend? Sweet-ie pie?! This BOY is
not my friend! Nor is he a delicious
pastry! Have you gone mad? I'll STRIKE
you for such lies! (TO SMITHERS) Crush
him at will...
Smithers GROWLS hatefully and BEATS on the booth window.
GUARD
Sorry, the kissing booth is closed.
He SHUTS the window blind. The gate to the plant SLAMS shut.
BURNS MANSION -ENTRANCE- LATER
Burns Manor looks stately at dusk. SFX: ELECTRIC SHOCK. SMITHERS voice MOANS. BURNS voice SAYS "AGAIN!" SFX: ELECTRIC SHOCK. Smithers MOANS. Burns SAYS "AGAIN!" Reveal Burns and Smithers at the entrance gate, Smithers trying the doorknob. A sign says "ELECTRIC GATE."
Smithers touches the knob and gets a huge SHOCK. He MOANS, then shakes his hands. His HANDS hang limp from his wrists. Burns grows impatient.
BURNS
Ah! Now I suppose a FAIRY will open the
door for us.
On the word "FAIRY", Smithers CRINGES, and immediately STRAIGHTENS his limp wrists.
SMITHERS
(NERVOUSLY) S-sir?
Burns stares Smithers down.
BURNS
(IMPATIENT) Fairy! FAIRY! (PAUSE) You
know, some wing-ed fellow will come
along-- use his black sorcery to open
the door. We've already TRIED black
sorcery, and I'm all out of spells.
Reveal a bubbling CAULDRON.
BURNS (CONT'D)
Now OPEN THAT DOOR!
Burns turns away. SFX: ELECTRIC SHOCK.
SMITHERS
O-oh!
BURNS
Again.
ELECTRIC SHOCK. Smithers MOANS O.S. A body HITS the ground.
BURNS
Again...
SPRINGFIELD STREET -"SKID DRIVE"- NIGHT
BURNS sits by a filthy WINO with a liquor bottle. Smithers stands in the street next to a BARREL fire.
BURNS
(TO WINO) Ahoy there, chum. Mind if I
nip a tuck?
BARNEY
(YELLING) YOU BET!
Barney hands the bottle to Burns, PASSES OUT, and BELCHES.
SMITHERS
(ANTSY) Maybe we should spend the night
at my place, sir. (DEVIOUS) You just
might sleep better.
Burns points at Barney.
BURNS
Nonsense! Bryant Gumbel and I will
drink ourselves into a stupor, amuse
ourselves with flatulence, then retire
Burns walks to the gutter with a filthy SHAWL.
BURNS (CONT'D)
to sleep in this charming concrete bed.
He lies down in the STICKY, slime-filled gutter. His eyes BUG.
SMITHERS
Ah, sir-- you're lying in gutter slime.
BURNS
(GASPS) Smithers! I kind of like this!
SMITHERS' TOWNHOUSE - DAY
Establish. The words "The next morning..." appear on screen. "Mad About You" theme PLAYS...
KITCHEN
SMITHERS wears a "Cathy" nightshirt (power plant ID badge on) and slippers. He prepares food at the counter. BURNS walks in, confused.
SMITHERS
(COY) Good morning, sir! And how are we
feeling today?
BURNS
I just came out of the closet...
ORCHESTRA HIT. Smithers' eyes BUG and he stares at BURNS.
BURNS
(LONG PAUSE) ...the water closet. That
silly porcelain contraption of yours
keeps flooding with water...
SMITHERS
(?) The toilet?--
BURNS
--(FLABBERGASTED) Khh! Pph! (SARCASM)
That's easy for YOU to say, future boy!
Burns SITS at the table; Smithers prepares breakfast.
BURNS (CONT'D)
I suppose the LASER PISTOL on the back
of your so-called "toy-lit" is just
something you'd pick up at a druggist.
Burns pulls out a COMB and aims it at Smithers.
SMITHERS
(CHUCKLES) That's a rat-tailed comb,
sir. And you CAN buy them at the drug
store. They've been around for years.
BURNS
I see. (AWE) Smithers, you're living
too far into the future for me. First,
your SHAMP-OOH. Next, your TOOTH-PASTE.
Call me an old-timer, but I just won't
feel the same until I'm back at my good
old-fashioned nuclear power plant.
Smithers takes a tray of food, and a NEWSPAPER to the table.
SMITHERS
(RELUCTANT) Then maybe you shouldn't
see this...
Smithers TOSSES the paper down. In mid-air,
CUT TO:
SPINNING NEWSPAPER, with appropriate MUSIC. When it stops, the headline reads: "BURNS PAYS WORKERS?!" A captioned picture of the Burns dummy, smiling insanely; "EVIL GENIUS?". Sub-head reads "PRODUCTION UP. WAY UP." etc.
(KEEP THE PAPER ON SCREEN);
BURNS (O.S.)
(FRIGHTENED MOAN)
SMITHERS (O.S.)
(CHUCKLE) Uh, I'm sorry, sir--the paper
SMITHERS (CONT'D)
must have landed on the 'lazy susan--'
SMITHERS' KITCHEN - AT THAT MOMENT
Burns cowers, bug-eyed. Smithers comes to the table. Reveal newspaper on a LAZY SUSAN. Smithers spins it. Burns shields his face with his arms.
BURNS
(TERROR) --BLAAARD--!!
MONTAGE - THE PLANT IMPROVES
Hopeful MUSIC plays... We follow a mile-long LINE from outside the plant into Burns' office...
Workers approach the dummy, slumped at the desk. Each one grabs some cash. HOMER gets paid, and then STEWART the duck comes in and gets a bill full of cash, which he GULPS.
The workers CHEER outside the office, then SPRINT back to work; everyone works faster.
Workers RUSH around, the duck RUNS with its wagon.
People PUSH and PULL levers, raise and DROP SHEETS of radioactive rods into pools of water with a SPLASH.
The entire town has a POWER SURGE; the valley instantly OUTSHINES the sun.
The workers MOAN frantically, pushing buttons with a fervor.
The neon CASINO sign starts to BLINK 10x faster; the SUMOS on the sign at the SUSHI BAR BUMP bellies 10x faster; a 50-foot waving cowboy sign WAVES its arm so fast, it FALLS off and HITS a SCREAMING PEDESTRIAN.
The Burns dummy leans on an easel, pointer in hand. A GRAPH shows a steep production increase; EXECUTIVES around the board room table nod to each other and APPLAUD.
HOMER's hands tap buttons furiously, as he MOANS. He BANGS the console, then taps buttons again. Reveal the VENDING MACHINE. He gets an APPLE, then does a PAINED GRUNT.
Homer writes on a piece of paper, and drops it in the suggestion box on Burns' desk. He WHISTLES; the dummy just sits. Homer takes the paper from the box, and reads it to the dummy.
A GUY loads "Crispco Snack-size Shortening" into the vending machine, and Homer EXULTS.
SPRINGFIELD - LATER
The sun sets; all the lights in town BRIGHTEN to extremes.
SIMPSON HOUSE - AT THAT MOMENT
The Simpsons' porch light BURSTS; a cat SCREECHES.
LISA reads by an extremely bright LAMP. She squints, then puts on SUNGLASSES, applies sunblock, and keeps reading.
BART unscrews the red-hot LIGHTBULB with forceps and runs away with it. Lisa PROTESTS and chases him to the bathroom.
Bart throws the bulb into the toilet. The water BOILS. Bart runs out and SLH enters. He drinks out of the toilet, and YELPS as he is burned.
HOMER sits on the couch. MARGE calls from the kitchen.
MARGE (O.S.)
(YELLS) Dinner in fifteen minutes...
HOMER
OOO! Plenty of time for a snack!
He pulls out a CAN OF SHORTENING and CRAMS spoonfuls into his mouth, GULPING like a pig.
The kitchen CEILING FAN SPINS mightily. MAGGIE lies on the floor, clinging to a chair leg so she won't be BLOWN away.
MARGE puts the roast in the microwave oven, sets the time to 15:00; the oven goes to zero lightning fast, then BEEPS. Marge retrieves the roast and gets BURNED. She DROPS it.
Homer DEVOURS the shortening.
MARGE (O.S.)
Uh, (YELLING) dinner's ready!
HOMER
Awww. I guess time flies when you're
watching (LOOKS AT TV) the NEWS?! AIGH!
Turn it off! Turn it off!
He aims the remote at the TV, then stops. KENT BROCKMAN's face fills the TV screen. (The antenna is a JACOB'S LADDER.)
BROCKMAN
(FROM TV) STOP, you dummy!--
Homer DROPS the remote. Behind Brockman, a graphic of the Burns dummy is revealed.
BROCKMAN (V.O.)
--is what some folks might say if they
found out their boss was an impostor
made of cloth and sawdust. But not if
you work at Springfield's Nuclear Power
Plant, where Action News has learned a
corpse-like replica of real-life corpse
C. Montgomery Burns has taken over.
HOMER
(NERVOUS) Eh-- How do you know THAT?
BROCKMAN (V.O.)
(FROM TV, IMPATIENT) Ah--? Hey! We're
pretty sure! We got pictures. L-look at
this video, taken directly from the
power plant's own security camera--
obtained illegally, of course...
The dummy slumps at the desk. A digital CLOCK onscreen says 10:02 AM. A pause... Brockman VOICES-OVER the video.
BROCKMAN (V.O./O.S.)
(FROM TV) Let's speed up the tape...
The dummy sits still while the tape FAST FORWARDS. The clock counts wildly until 3:24 PM. LENNY walks into the video.
LENNY (V.O.)
Hey, Burns. Can I break this 2 by 4
over your face? (PAUSE) Answer, or I'm
gonna do it. (PAUSE) You asked for it.
Lenny SMASHES a BOARD over the dummy's face again and again. The board BREAKS in half. Brockman comes back on-screen.
BROCKMAN (V.O.)
Alright, maybe THAT can be explained.
So, explain THIS--
Brockman THRUSTS a can of Crispco snack-size shortening at the camera. ORCHESTRA HIT. Homer SHRIEKS.
HOMER
I can explain, I can explain...
BROCKMAN (V.O.)
A container of 100 percent saturated
fat, found in a power plant commissary.
What kind of a dummy would put this
artery-clogging treat into a vending
machine? The answer is--a REAL dummy.
SMITHERS' TOWNHOUSE - AT THAT MOMENT
BURNS and SMITHERS watch the news. A fire ROARS in the fireplace. The dummy is on TV. BURNS' evil MUSIC plays.
BURNS
He's no dummy, Smithers. Could a dummy
outwit Charles Montgomery Burns? Or be
as GARISHLY handsome?
Smithers puts his feet up and cuddles up to Burns.
SMITHERS
(PURRING) Not likely...
BURNS
(UNCOMFORTABLE) Yeesh!
SIMPSON LIVING ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
HOMER watches TV intently, holding his CAN of SHORTENING.
BROCKMAN
(FROM TV) A press conference is set for
tomorrow in Mr. Burns' office. And THIS
reporter, for one, wouldn't miss it for
all the shortening in China. (HOLDS UP
A CAN) Of course, if this Burns is
indeed an impostor, and the REAL Burns
returns, all such cans of snack-size
shortening would be removed from the
power plant... (PAUSE) FOREVER...
Homer GASPS. The word "FOREVER" reverberates in his brain. He grabs his head and SHRIEKS.
SMITHERS' TOWNHOUSE - AT THAT MOMENT
The word "FOREVER" reverberates in SMITHERS' brain. BURNS walks in with a bundle of STICKS.
BURNS
I couldn't bear to watch that
ignominious impostor any longer. So I
Smithers smiles at Burns affectionately.
BURNS (O.S., CONT'D)
went out and gathered some fagots for
the fire...
On the word "fagots", Smithers winces slightly.
SMITHERS
Aw, how sweet of you, sir. You know,
I've truly enjoyed your company these
past few days. I like to think we could
go on like this forever; you and me...
BURNS
What are you saying, Waylon?
Burns drops the sticks in the fireplace. Syrupy MUSIC plays.
SMITHERS
I've wanted for so long to tell you how
much I cared.
BURNS
Yes, yes. Cared about what?
SMITHERS
--I'd just like you to live here for a
while. You know, with me.
BURNS
Meaning...
SMITHERS
I-I'd like you to move in.
BURNS
MEANING...
SMITHERS
Uh... Cohabitate...
BURNS
Meaning...
With a sly smile, Smithers raises his eyebrows at Burns. After a pause, Burns GASPS and then SCREAMS. MATCH: HOMER SCREAMING, CAN of shortening in hand. MATCH: BURNS SCREAMING. MATCH: HOMER SCREAMING... etc...
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
BURNS' OFFICE - DAY
Cameras FLASH in the hall. REPORTERS push into the room. The Burns dummy faces the front door at the end of a table. A sign says "Who IS this dummy?"
KENT BROCKMAN stands by, holding his earpiece.
BROCKMAN
Do I have time for a comb through?
Someone SHUSHES the crowd. Brockman sheepishly turns around. A REPORTER speaks.
REPORTER 1 (O.S.)
(SMUG) Mr. Burns, if that IS your real
name-- (HUMBLE) Uh, IS that your real
name?
The dummy's limbs FLAIL randomly, and its head slumps. A VOICE speaks, like HOMER disguising his voice.
VOICE (O.S.)
(BOMBASTIC) --UHHH-- yeah...
The dummy's limbs twitch randomly.
REPORTER 1
(DISAPPOINTED) Aw, crap. It's him.
He leaves. Other reporters crowd closer, CLAMORING for attention. A female reporter speaks. The dummy moves around unnaturally in its chair.
REPORTER 2
M-Mr. Burns, how do you respond to
allegations that the shortening in
your vending machine deposits fatty
acids in human brain cells?
She holds up a can of shortening.
The dummy JERKS violently; its head snaps back.
VOICE (O.S.)
(ANGRY, HOMER) DAW--JEEZ! Who ARE you,
the freakin--mmm-- skinny brain police?
The crowd GASPS. They lean in for more swear words.
VOICE (O.S., CONT'D)
--d'I mean--(HAUGHTY) Pshaw. You must be
funning me! Bring me that can, po-lease.
The dummy's arm randomly grasps in the direction of the shortening can. Brockman smiles smugly.
BROCKMAN
(SMUG) Mr. Burns--
VOICE (O.S.)
--I wanna throw it in the garbage...
BROCKMAN
--Mr. Burns, do you realize that
nowadays, a person could get sued for
feeding his employees lethal amounts
of cholesterol?
Small pieces of PLASTER FALL on the table. The dummy's limbs FLAIL wildly.
VOICE (O.S.)
(ANGRY) And do YOU realize, Mr. stuffy
pants wiseguy, that cholesterol is
necessary in the digestion of food? And
that it's a lipoprotein? (DROOLING) Some
people need LOTS of protein-- Auhgg...
The ceiling starts to BUCKLE. The entire group looks at the ceiling above the dummy. Its limbs are attached to STRINGS, which rise up into the fake-ceiling tile.
BROCKMAN
(LOOKING AT CEILING) Do YOU realize you
are being controlled by a puppeteer?
HOMER is crammed into the fake ceiling--STRUGGLING with the marionette strings. His rear BREAKS through the tile. PLASTER FALLS all over.
HOMER
(WORRIED GRUNT) Pay no attention to the
huge yellow ass above you! I'm the
great and powerful Bur--ur--YEAAHG!
Homer FALLS rear-first onto the table below, plaster FALLING everywhere. The dummy goes limp. The reporters all look disgusted, and walk away. Homer tries to work the dummy.
HOMER
(BURNS) Dgh--Simpson, you're fired.
(HOMER; ANNOYED GRUNT)
CHANNEL SIX NEWS SET - LATER
BROCKMAN
...and so, citizens of Springfield--
who are the real dummies in this Burns
hoax? We all are... more precisely, YOU
all are. Shame on you.
A graphic "Citizens of Springfield" is shown; dozens of people with idiotic looks on their faces... etc.
BROCKMAN (CONT'D)
(UNEASILY) Th--this reporter, for one,
knew Burnsie was an impostor as he sat
there flailing around like a puppet...
SMITHERS TOWNHOUSE - AT THAT MOMENT
BURNS watches T.V.; SMITHERS plaintively watches Burns' every move, like a puppy.
BURNS
(SOTTO) He's no puppet, you fools! He
was doing calisthenics! What a piker--
exercising WHILE working...
A graphic of the Burns dummy sits behind Brockman on TV.
BROCKMAN (V.O.)
(FROM TV) So what do we do now? Put our
safety in the hands of this dubious
doppelganger? (CYNICAL) Surrender the
city to his emptyheaded exploits? (MORE
CYNICAL) Allow our electrical power to
trickle through the thumbless hands of
a tyrannical tycoon made of tacking and
textile?!(INTRIGUED) The answer is YES.
And what is the real Mr. Burns going to
do about it? Jack crap. For Channel 6
Action News, I've been Kent Brockman...
Burns shuts off the TV set; Smithers watches intently.
BURNS
Smithers, I've thought it over...
SMITHERS
(EAGER) Yes...
BURNS (O.S.)
Your loyalty, to say nothing of your
fanny kissing, is second to none...
...but... I CAN'T live here with you...
SMITHERS
(SNIFFLING) Oh, Mr. Burns... (BAWLS)
BURNS
Your proposal frightened me... Yes,
life here offers many things; but I'm
just not interested in those things--
SMITHERS
(SOBBING) I understand... sir...
BURNS
I just can't accept your "cosmopolitan"
ways... Too many new ideas. It's like
living in the future here...
SMITHERS
(CRYING) It IS a trendy lifestyle, sir!
BURNS
I would, however, like you to WHIP me--
SMITHERS
(GASP) But, sir! I-I thought you said--
BURNS
--into shape. Yes! I'm going to show
our young impostor friend a lesson in
"Burns-ese". (LIGHTLY PUNCHES AIR) He
wants to be Montgomery Burns, let him
taste a little VINEGAR (PUNCHES) before
he POPS the cork of his champagne...
SMITHERS
Sir?!-- (WIPES A TEAR)
Brightening MUSIC plays.
BURNS
--away from your trendy lifestyle. No
more high-tech automatic water closets.
And I've had quite enough of your
"tooth-pastery." And that lazy mistress
you call Susan? (SHUDDERS) You can HAVE
her, you handsome heterosexual devil!
SMITHERS
(BRIGHTENING) Oh, sir!
BURNS
We'll need twine, rosin, pulleys, heavy
stones... And a big trough full of old-
fashioned "WOO-pass." (EXCITED) I'll
string that young banjo and pluck him
to the tune of "HEY diddle, diddle! The
cat AND the fiddle... BANG ZOOM! To the
MOON!--Alice!" (PUNCHES) Smithers! I
believe I am becoming PUMPED UP! I feel
so ALIVE!!!
Smithers dries his eyes, brightly.
SMITHERS
(SOTTO; SMILING) Suddenly, so do I....
MONTAGE - BURNS/BURNSIE TRAINING
"Hearts on Fire (Orchestra)" plays. (ROCKY IV tribute)
Tired, Burns JUMPS rope. Feebly, he swings the rope twice in one jump. He swings the rope diagonally across his body (twice). The rope is revealed--it's just two handles.
Smithers holds Burns' legs; his shirt is off. He lies down in a barn loft, his upper body suspended out over the barn floor. Burns struggles to do a sit-up, then weakly punches twice. His body goes limp and he hangs out over the floor.
HOMER broods on the couch, MUMBLING ("...stupid Burnsie fire ME...") The phone rings, Homer answers. His face brightens as he listens. He hangs upand YELLS "Woo-hoo!"
Homer wears a white lab coat, and spectacles. He holds a clipboard and pen. BURNSIE, the dummy, lies limp on an ab-press machine. Homer nods, and marks the clipboard.
Burns feebly swipes at Smithers' hand targets. Smithers smiles brightly.
Burns stares at a speed bag for several seconds, but does not touch it.
A large pile of rocks sits inside a net, connected to a pulley and rope. Burns pulls the rope, but can't even get the net to close on the rocks.
The Burns dummy sits on a tricep-curl machine. Homer observes, suspiciously.
Burns struggles with all his might to hold the rope where it is--his muscles tense. Smithers nods with a smile. Burns collapses on his back and the net (full of a handful of small stones) falls on Burns' chest.
A man puts only his shoulder blades on a table, and raises his body up and down. Smithers, then Burns says "NO pain, NO pain..." Burns and Smithers are revealed drinking sodas, watching a video of a man doing the exercise.
A machine labeled "Punch Pressure" is shown; the readout says "0000" (zeroes). The dummy lies limp at the base of the machine.
A dresser is shown, with a mirror. The newspaper picture of "Burnsie" hangs on the mirror. Burns' hand tries to crumple it, then Smithers' hand crumples the picture, and we see Burns' pleased face in the mirror.
Burns, growing facial hair, struggles to lift the handles of a rickshaw with Smithers sitting on it.
Homer spots the dummy a light barbell, then releases it. The dummy is smashed.
Burns, wearing a sweatsuit and knit cap, jogs in front of Smithers' car. After a few seconds, Burns collapses; Smithers SLAMS the brakes...
The dummy's arms are draped on the rails of a tredmill; his feet drag on the tredmill surface.
On a large snowcovered mountain, a man is seen climbing and running. Reveal SYLVESTER STALLONE, who shrugs. Cameras ZOOM down the mountain,to Burns, who looks up the hill--then does an "aw, phooey" gesture with his arms.
The MUSIC climaxes. Burns raises his arms, and SHOUTS "BURNSIEEEEEEEE!" We gradually move out further and further, showing Burns at the bottomof a very large mountain. He SHOUTS again.
SPRINGFIELD NUCLEAR POWER PLANT - DAY
CARS and lively SPECTATORS line the street in front of the power plant. Cameras FLASH and boom mics RISE as a small red CAR pulls up. NEWS ANCHORS RAMBLE excitedly.
SIMPSON HOUSE - AT THAT MOMENT
BART, MARGE and LISA CHEER everything on TV. (Rocky homage)
POWER PLANT - AT THAT MOMENT
People hold signs reading "Who NEEDS the Full Monty?" and "You could EARN alot from a dummy." LENNY and CARL are among the crowd. The crowd BOOS as SMITHERS, and then a MAN in a black hooded robe with boxing gloves gets out. BURNS' NOSE gives him away. A medley of evil Burns MUSIC and "The Empire Strikes Back" PLAYS. People throw CANS and BOTTLES at them.
BURNS
(EMPEROR) Yes... The rebels are falling
at our feet. I have... 'forseen' it...
Smithers blocks his face as a large BOTTLE HITS him.
SMITHERS
Actually, sir--one more direct hit and
we're done for. (DODGES BRICK) Yee-IGH!
BURNS
(RELUCTANT) Oh, very well.
Burns removes the robe to reveal a bright pink robe with ruffles and pictures of teddy bears. The crowd ERUPTS in laughter. Smithers smiles as Burns looks around nervously.
BURNS
(LEERY) Uh. I guess chiffon ISN'T my
color. (SNOTTY) Thanks for the loaner,
Smithers!
Burns and Smithers make their way inside, through the crowd of EMPLOYEES, who are LAUGHING and JEERING at them.
BURNS' OFFICE - AT THAT MOMENT
HOMER watches from the window box above.
HOMER
(SOTTO, INDIGNANT) So... warming up the
CROWD, is he?
The dummy, wearing a red robe, lies in a twisted heap. In a reversal, we hear Burns' evil MUSIC.
HOMER (CONT'D)
(SOTTO) WE'LL see who's laughing. I'll
bide my time. Let him MELT in the SUN.
Let him PEE in the SINK. I'll bide my--
An ANNOUNCER's VOICE is heard on a PA.
HOMER (CONT'D)
(ALARMED)--Oh, MY GOD! IT'S STARTING!--
Homer GRABS the dummy by the ankle and SPRINTS out.
POWER PLANT - YARD - AT THAT MOMENT
The Announcer TALKS as Homer PANTS his way to ringside.
RING ANNOUNCER
--this corner, Monty Burns!
CROWD
BOOOOOOOOOO!
RING ANNOUNCER
And in THIS corner, Monty Burns!
The crowd CHEERS. Smithers rubs Burns' shoulders as he sits in his corner. Burns concentrates deeply.
BURNS
...first a stutter-jaw LEFT, then a
cranial RIGHT--he sallies forth a bit,
then, I (SWINGS) CUFF, and unstuff him!
Hoo, hoo, hoo... I love it, I love it.
Burns looks across the ring at Burnsie, who's maniacal grin looms large.
BURNS
(UNEASY) Smithers, he's looking at me!
SMITHERS
Relax, sir. Everything will be FINE...
Smithers gives Burns a very blatant THUMBS UP. Burns' vision narrows. From the dummy's POV, we see Burns.
HOMER (O.S.)
(WORRIED) O-o-oh! He's LOOKING at you!
(FAKE VOICE) Shut up, and let me fight!
(ANGRY) Why you little--!
Homer wrings the dummy's neck, making both angry GROANS and CHOKING noises. The bell RINGS and the CROWD cheers.
HOMER
Now GET out there and (LOOKS AT BURNS)
AIIGH! (JUMPS OUT OF RING) (SCARED)
Make me proud!
Homer THROWS the dummy at Burns. The dummy SPRAWLS (on its stomach) all over the canvas, in increasingly SLOW MOTION. The crowd noise SLOWS (like on tape) to a low-pitch GURGLE. Freeze-frame of a gasping Marge, Bart and Lisa. Freeze-frame of Lenny and Carl. Freeze-frame of Homer. A referee COUNTS. After a pause, Burns goes up to the dummy, in SILENCE.
BURNS
Ah, a master of trickery are you--my
handsome young friend. Your best laid
plans have failed. For you see, I am
the REAL Charles Montgomery Burns. And
one swipe of my mighty clutch (SWIPES)
could have proved it...
The referee COUNTS slowly. Smithers watches, smiling.
BURNS (CONT'D)
Now all that remains is for me to raise
my arms victorious. Wither in my glory!
The referee COUNTS seven. Burns STRUGGLES to raise his arms above his head. Smithers GASPS. The referee COUNTS eight. Burns WINCES with all his might. The referee COUNTS nine. Burns COLLAPSES in a heap on the canvas. The crowd GASPS.
BURNS
(FRANTIC, GASPING) Smithers--prepare the
iron lung...
Smithers paces along the ropes, MOANING frantically. The referee WAVES his arms outward and stops counting. The disheveled ANNOUNCER steps into the ring.
ANNOUNCER
(UNPREPARED) Since we have no winner,
uh, and since everybody hates HIM--
He POINTS down at Burns, who sneers feebly.
ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)
Mr. Burns is the new, permanent owner
of the power plant! (LIFTS DUMMY'S ARM)
The crowd CHEERS. Lenny and Carl SLAP high-fives.
SIMPSON HOUSE - AT THAT MOMENT
Marge, Bart, Lisa, Maggie and the pets JUMP up and down on the couch SCREAMING. A robot wearing a Santa cap looks on. (Rocky IV homage)
BACK TO POWER PLANT
HOMER
(CHEERING) Woo-Hooo! We won! (FERVENT)
Thank GOD the blood-bath is over!
Homer wipes a tear. Burns narrows his vision. He looks up at the dummy's hand. We see clearly that the dummy only has three fingers and NO THUMB. Burns grasps the ANNOUNCER around the legs, to pull himself to his feet.
BURNS
(DESPERATE) Wait... Wait!!
The crowd NOISE dies down as the announcer concedes the mic to Mr. Burns. Violin INTERLUDES punctuate his speech...
BURNS (V.O.)
(INTO MIC) Surely you can't allow this
impostor to take my place!
Everyone frowns. Burns' brazen smile fades back to a scowl.
BURNS (V.O.)
(INTO MIC) I see. You're all blinded by
the pursuit of your filthy lucre. Money
cannot buy you happiness, my friends. I
should know.
Employees pull out their bulging wallets, shrugging. Smithers' eyes tear-up; he clasps his hands...
BURNS (V.O., CONT'D)
(INTO MIC) I'm a miserable old man, but
that's the way I like it. (HUMBLY) You
poor folk shouldn't be burdened with
such good fortune. Withholding your pay
was simply a way to help you, my dear
employees, find happiness...
Smithers sniffles and removes his glasses to wipe his eyes. Everyone else frowns and stares at Burns.
BURNS
(ALARM) Look! He doesn't have thumbs!
Burns points to the dummy. The crowd GASPS. Rousing MUSIC builds...
BURNS (CONT'D)
And you know what THAT means! He can't
give any of you what you really need!
Praise! Self-confidence! And a great
big, rousing THUMBS u--(STRUGGLES)
Burns struggles to make a thumbs up and fails. He motions to Smithers.
BURNS (CONT'D)
Smithers...
SMITHERS
Let's hear it for the REAL Mr. Burns!
A feeling of self-worth! The freedom
from the shackles of money-- FOREVER!!
Smithers THUMBS UP raises to the sky. Streams of light dance around his thumb. The crowd CHEERS and dances around. People pull out their wallets and TOSS them away, cavorting and dancing. Others tear their money into confetti.
GUARD BOOTH -AT THAT MOMENT
The security guard stands sniffling outside his booth full of money.
GUARD
(SNIFFLE) The days of wine and roses
are over...
He lights a match and the booth BURSTS into flame.
BACK TO POWER PLANT - YARD
Homer dances around in circles, tearing up his money--gleefully-- GIGGLING.
SIMPSONS HOUSE -AT THAT MOMENT
Homer is on the TV screen. The kids dance around CHEERING. MARGE, tears welled up, looks lovingly at Homer on screen and MOUTHS the words "I love you." (Rocky homage)
BACK TO POWER PLANT - YARD
The workers hoist the real Mr. Burns onto their shoulders, who waves feebly. Strains of "Jolly Good Fellow" rise. Smithers smiles knowingly, his thumb still raised. MATCH: Smithers thumb, with a different sleeve on his arm...
SPRINGFIELD NUCLEAR POWER PLANT - DAY
It is a new day. The words "Next Payday" appear at the bottom of the screen. Smithers and Burns stand in the balcony, above a CHEERING crowd.A banner states "Once again: Thumbs yes! Paychecks no!"
Off-screen, Homer does an ANNOYED GRUNT. He gets up off the ground, where a barrel lies. His arms are covered with radioactive slime. He looks lovingly up at Burns.
HOMER
Truly: I am a richer man than he...
He licks the green stuff off his arms.
THE END
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Eh question: Is your name Ridley Scott, or James Cameron? ... Well then I would THANK you to stop peering at my screenplay, HO-MER... And if I see a movie where computers threaten our personal liberties, I will KNOW that you STOLE my idea.