This is my first ever attempt at writing a script for my favorite show of all time. It needs to be cleaned up a bit, but after registering it, I couldn't wait to share. The format of the text is not showing the way it does originally on wordpad, so sorry for the leftsidedness of the text.
The Opposite of Something
Written by
Dana L Goudreault
ACT ONE
fade in:
EXT: SPRINGFIELD COMMUNITY CHURCH - ESTABLISHING NIGHT
SCENE ONE
The church message board reads:
Monte Carlo Night
to benefit
Gambler's Annonymous"All denominations accepted"
The Simpsons are seen walking toward the church amongst other Springfield residents.
INT: CHURCH RECREATIONAL HALL - CONTINUOUS
The inside of the church is filled with smoke and betting tables. A panning shot shows several of the booths names and a large banner with cigarettes reads:
"Larimar Cigarettes supports your right to gamble with your life."
Bart walks up to a dunking booth where Rev. Lovejoy is sitting atop. The pit below him is filled with bright red dye. The sign reads:
$1.00 Break the communal wafer and send the reverend to
HELL!
BART
What gives reverend?
REV. LOVEJOY
Hello Bart. Glad to see you here
supporting this blessed event.
Here's your chance to humble me for
the sake of charity.
Do you have what it takes to break the
wafer?
BART
No problemo.
Bart grabs a hollow plastic ball out of the bucket and groans to himself. He throws the ball and hits the wafer, but it just bounces off.
REV. LOVEJOY
Breaking the wafer requires the power
of God's will...
Bart grabs another ball and reaches into his back pocket for his trusty slingshot. BANG! The wafer is broken and Rev. Lovejoy splashes into the tank. He lifts himself halfway out of the tank.
REV. LOVEJOY
...or the cunning of a devil's child.
BART(laughing)
See you in the confessional, Reverend.
REV. LOVEJOY
Oh please Lord, just once let me
replace the pennance of prayer
with the joy of a crucifixion.Marge and Maggie are sitting at a slot machine.
Marge
OK Maggie, cross your fingers for good luck.
The machine shows three crucifixes, one of which is upside down. Marge pulls the lever and one red apple shows,followed by another red apple and finally a third red apple with a bite taken out of it.
MARGE
(first apple) Wooo!
(second apple) WoooWoooo!
(third apple)(Marge makes
disapproving sound)
Nelson is getting ready to play "The Hand of God", a claw game that is set up to look like the arm of God. Rod and Todd are running the game. The machine is filled with knives, brass knuckles, cigarettes and heavy metal cd's, etc.
RODD
Hi, would you like to try your luck
and help us do God's work?
TODD
It's all for a great cause.
NELSON
Whowww, is that an AC/DC cd I see?
Cool, here's your buck.
RODD & TODD
God bless you!
Nelson manuevers the arm and stops it right above the Back in Black cd. The hand of God reaches down and firmly grasps it.
NELSON
Allright!! I got it! I got it!
This is the coolest game
I've ever played!
The hand of God moves towards the dispenser chute of the machine, turns palm side up and crushes the cd into pieces. Nelsons face goes totally blank. Nelson cups his hands by the opening and catches all the pieces in his hand and you hear the Lord's voice.
GOD
HA-ha!
Rodd & Todd jump for joy.
ROD & TODD
Yeahhh!!!
Homer and Lisa are walking around the hall.
HOMER
OK Lisa, which game do you want to
play?
LISA
I'm not playing any games, I'm ashamed
to even be in here.
HOMER
Hey, it's nice to support your local
church in all these holy
functions.LISA
Holy? You call raising money by
gambling a holy cause?
HOMER
Of course Honey, it's God's way of
giving us a glimpse of
his heavenly paradise. Not all of us can make it out to Atlantic
City or Las Vegas every weekend, so heallows the local churches to take the
show on the road, just like Neil
Diamond wrote in that song I like. Youknow...loudly)"It's Love, Brother
Love's Traveling Salvation Show...
LISA
DAD!!
HOMER(still singing loudly)
Pack up the babies and Grab the old
ladies..LISA
DAAAADDD!!!!!!!!
HOMER
OK, you don't have to play if you don't
want to, but don't ruin my fun. I wanna
take this church for all it's got.
Please God, let me win everything, I've
memorized the ten commandments and
swear to you and Allah I will live by
your rules.
Homer and Lisa walk up to a booth run by Ned Flanders.
FLANDERS
Hi-diddly-ho, neighborino's.
HOMER
Hello Flanders.
LISA
Hi, Mr. Flanders.
HOMER
So, what's the gimmick?
We see a roulette wheel with Roman numerals. Instead of odd or even, it's good or evil and red or black is replaced with a halo or horns. The double zero is replaced with the number 13.
FLANDERS
Well my friend, all you have to do is
make the right decision.
Choose where the marble will landand you win. It's that simple.
HOMER
What can I win?
FLANDERS
Well, if it lands on a good number or
symbol, you win gift
certificates to the Holy goods giftshop at the rear of the church.
HOMER
And if evil wins?
FLANDERS
Well, we haven't had any takers of the
evil side today, Homer, but
if you choose and win, you'll recieve
either a carton of Laramie cigarettes,
a dozen donuts, a twelve pack of Duff
beer or all three.HOMER
WooHoo!!!
A little homer devil appears above Homer's right shoulder and starts singing.
Lil Homer Devil
I am evil Homer
I am evil Homer
I am evil Homer
I am evil Homer
LISA
You're on your own Dad.
Lisa walks off.
FLANDERS
Care to place a donation Homer?
HOMER
With pleasure. I'll take evil.
Homer places a one dollar bill on evil.
FLANDERS
I'd have to say that's a bad decision,
Homer.
HOMER
Quiet preachy and spin the wheel.
FLANDERS
Okily dokily.
The marble lands on 24 good.
HOMER
D'oh!!
FLANDERS
It's not too late to seek redemption,
how about...
HOMER
How about $10 on the horns of hell and
shut up or I'll be confessing
to murder at the confession booth.
FLANDERS
Allright, but you were warned.
The marble lands on 29 halo.
HOMER
D'oh!!
A little Homer Angel appears above Homer's shoulder.
LIL HOMER ANGEL
C'mon Homer, you know evil never pays.
HOMER
How can it, the goody two shoes have
all the money. (walking off
muttering) Lousy Flanders.Homer makes his way to a booth run by Krusty. There are 3 shells and a white ball on the table.
KRUSTY
Hey, Hey!! Step right up and make a
fortune. Just pick which cup the
ball is under and win big! How aboutyou buddy, you look bright enough?
HOMER
I don't know. I just lost my shirt to
Flander's and his stupid game.
KRUSTY
I've been seeing that happen all day. I
tell you what, I'll make it so a
moron can win and you give me a cut ofthe winnings...deal?
Krusty removes one of the shells.
HOMER
OK, but make it easy.
Homer places $20 on the table.
KRUSTY
Just keep your eye on my hands and
remember where the ball is.
Krusty places the ball under the right shell and then moves both shells around very slowly without picking them up and ends up with his hands in the very same position he started in.
KRUSTY
OK my good man, where's the ball?
Homer looking totally confident, points to the left shell.
HOMER
That one.
Krusty gives Homer an idiot look.
KRUSTY
No, you putz, it's right here where I
put it.
HOMER
D'oh!! Easy enough for a moron, ehh?
KRUSTY
Look, my mistake, I gave you too much
credit. Try again and this time
pay really close attention.Homer plunks down another $20 and this time Krusty once again places the ball under the right shell and then moves them ever so slightly, keeping them right in the same place.
KRUSTY
OK Champ, show me the ball.
Homer with a confident look again, points to the left shell.
HOMER
That one.
Close up on Krusty, his face aghast with shock. He grabs Homer by the collar.
KRUSTY
Look, if you're with that Candid Camera
show, I'M NOT LAUGHING!! Homer, dejected, walks away. He sees a nun sitting in a chair with a sign above her that says "Pick one for a $1".
HOMER
Allright, what's your angle?
NUN
I have no angle dear, I'm just here to
help this church do God's work.
These are only games, they take no
thought, just a willingness to give.
Homer reaches into his wallett and finds his last $1 bill.
HOMER
Well, GIVE is my first last and middle
name here tonight. But you look
like the friendly caring face I've been searching for . Do you think God will
let me win just once?NUN
Only true fools are tortured souls. You
cast a shadow of Wisdom and
kindness, it's my belief the Lord hasgreat rewards for you.
Homer smiles with a look of contentment and hands the nun his last dollar. The nun takes the dollar, puts her hands under the table and then brings them back up with clenched fists.
NUN
Thank you sir. Now, which hand would
you like?
Homer with a confident look points to the right hand.
HOMER
That one.
The nun opens her hand and a $2 bill is shown.
HOMER
WooHoo!!! In your face lady, I am a
winner! WooHoo!!
The nun, still smiling, opens her other hand and shows a $100 bill.
HOMER
D'oh!!!!!!!
The gang comes together near the exit of the church and there is a final table with a giant grab bag on top.
MARGE
So, how did everybody make out?
BART
Well, for 3 bucks, I was able to send
the Reverend to hell,
AND win this super cool x-box game
David & Goliath, which
promises to be bloodfilled throughout.
LISA
You better learn how to read big
brother, that says Davey &
Goliath and I'm pretty sure there wont
be any blood, just lots and lots of
clay.
BART
D'oh! I knew that shepherd was leading
me astray.
They all turn towards Homer, who is sulking.
MARGE
How did you do, Homey?
HOMER(crying)
Everything I tried, I failed at. I lost
all my money and even
the nuns wont take pitty on me.
LISA
Oh cheer up Dad, at least you'll leave
here knowing your
money is going to brighten some poor
unfortunates life.
HOMER
Yeah, but now, unfortunately I'm poor.
BART
Hey, check this out. A grab bag full of
goodies and it's free.
Marge reaches in and pulls out a t-shirt that shows Jim & Tammy Faye Baker riding a rollercoaster with their hands in the air, full of money.
MARGE
Heyyy, I lost my shirt at Heritage USA,
now this will make up for it.
Lisa reaches in and pulls out a box full of Jelly Belly communal wafers.
LISA
Ohhh great, they're tropical flavored.
Bart reaches in and pulls out an x-box game.
BART
Davey & Goliath II, This time it's
biblical....(sarcastically) great.
MARGE
OK Homey, here's your chance to go home
a winner.
Homer reaches into the bag and then immediately screams out loud in pain.
HOMER
AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
Attached to Homer's finger is one of his old Springfield Olympics Mascot, Springy. Blood is flowing from his hand.
HOMER
I thought I had seen the last of these
when I flushed them down the toilet.
Homer starts to twist the mascot, but Lisa yells.
LISA
Wait Dad!! You might be holding a
valuable collectible.
Most of them were destroyed at the
bottom of Springfield Harbor.
Homer pauses, with a quizzical look on his face, then proceeds to stretch the springy apart.
HOMER
Die, you lousy piece of junk!
Homer coils it into a ball and throws it wildly. It sails through the crowd and hits the communal wafer at Rev. Lovejoy's booth. It makes a crack in the wafer and slowly starts to split. A close up of a red-faced Rev. Lovejoy.
REVEREND LOVEJOY
Oh, Damn.
The Reverend falls again into the pits of hell.
FADE OUT: END OF ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT. MARGE & HOMER'S BEDROOM - ESTABLISHING - NIGHT ACT TWO
Homer and Marge are in bed, Marge is trying to sleep while Homer is watching TV.
MARGE
C'mon Homer, turn off the Tv and go to sleep.
HOMER
Easy for you to say, you're riding high on your
big winnings.
MARGE
It was a t-shirt Homer...big deal.
HOMER
Well it would be big for me, at least
you won something.
Everything I tried for avoided me. Now
I need a little TV
to help put me to sleep.
Marge pulls the pillow over her head.
MARGE
Allright Homer, but you'll be sorry in
the morning.
Homer flicks the channels till he comes to Ted Koppell on Nightline. Homer starts to sneer, but keeps watching. A close up of the TV.
TED KOPPELL
...Tonight we bring to you a story of
ordinary people
getting rich on the internet. The
website is called ebay
and this slack jawed yokel, one Cletus
Del Roy of Springfield...
what state are you in?
CLETUS
That fact I a reckon I don't quite know
fer sure, but I do's
know it'sa east of Oregano.
TED KOPPELL
(screaming to off air personnel)
Damn it! Someone clue me into where the
state of Oregano is!
(Now addressing the audience again)
Great, that clears that up. Cletus is
one of millions of people
finding big money on internet auctions.
He recently put up
for auction, this very rare collectible
of a mascot named
Springy.
A close up of the springy mascot is shown. Homer's eyes widen.
TED KOPPELL
Describe to us what happened after you
listed it on ebay.
CLETUS
I didn't have it on there more than 20
minutes, when BAM! I
had over 300 bids and the price soared
from one penny to
over 300 pennies.
Close up of Homer in bed, laughing.
HOMER
Heh, heh, heh. What a doofus. I knew
that piece of junk was
a piece of junk.
back to close up of TV.
TED KOPPELL
So then what happened?
CLETUS
Well, it all pretty much stayed that
way...until the last 7 seconds. That's
when we got our final two bids and the
high bid went from 303 pennies
to $74,845 and 3 pennies.
Close up of Homer, screaming.
HOMER
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
EXT. SIMPSON'S HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY
Front view of their home, sun rising from the backyard, bird sounds.
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
The SIMPSONS are eating breakfast. Homer is off screen, oversleeping.
BART
Hey, what's up with Homer? Is it Hamburglar
day again?
LISA
No, that was last weeks episode...ahhh,
excuse. Where is he Mom?
MARGE
Ohhhh, I warned him not to stay up and watch
NIGHTLINE.When will he learn? HOMER!! TIME TO GET UP, YOU'LL BE LATE FOR
WORK!...AGAIN!!
Homer enters the kitchen, his clothes all messed up and his two hairs pointing in different directions.
HOMER
Marge, you've gotta stop keeping me up at
night.
MARGE
(ANNOYED)It wasn't me Homer, it was that
boring NIGHTLINE show.
HOMEROh sure, blame poor old Ted Koppel. The
man's an icon Marge...an icon.
BARTYou know Homer, if you had watched Dave
instead, you wouldn't be having these morning blues.
HOMER
I'll give you 10 reasons why I won't watch
Letterman.
- He stinks!
- His stupid pet tricks aren't stupid.
- He hates Ted Koppell.
4. He...
MARGE
He does not hate Ted Koppell, you do! You
only watch that show to sneer at him.
HOMER
What are you talking about, I enjoy every
minute of his show,it's Flanders I can't
stand.
MARGE
Homer, this nightowl foolishness has got to
stop, you're going to lose your job.
HOMER
Oh, so now he wan'ts MY job too, huh??!!
MARGE
David Letterman doesn't want your job.
HOMER
Not him, that jerkface Flanders!
INT: HOMER & MARGE'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
Homer and marge are in bed and Homer is watching nightline, sneering at Ted Koppell.
HOMER
lousy Ted Koppel, thinks he's so bright...
Hmmmm...maybe the boy had a point.
HOMER changes the channel to the David Letterman show. David is reading from a paper.
DAVID LETTERMAN
...and the number one thing I will not eat or drink is...
A top ten list appears on screen with the following items listed:
1: Donuts
2: Beer
3: Waffles
4: Chocolate
5: Sugar
6: Pork Chops
7: Hot Dogs
8: Peanuts
9: Chille
10: Pork Rinds
DAVID LETTERMAN
...Donuts!!
Homer (enraged) points the remote at the TV
HOMER
See you in HELL, LETTERMAN!!
Instead of the tv shutting off, it changes channels and lands on a seinfeld episode (The Opposite) where George, Jerry and Elaine are in a booth talking.
GEORGE
It's not working, Jerry. It's just not
working.
JERRY
What is it that isn't working?
GEORGE
It all became very clear to me sitting out
there today, that every decision I've ever
made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything
I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in
every aspect of life, be it something to
wear,something to eat ... It's all been
wrong.
ELAINE
Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked
at you.
GEORGE
Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no
money, who live with their parents, don't
approach strange women.
JERRY
Well here's your chance to try the opposite.
GEORGE
Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.
JERRY
If every instinct you have is wrong, then
the opposite would have to be right.
GEORGE
Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit
here and do nothing,and regret it for the
rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!
Close up of Homer's face, his mouth is hanging open in awe. We hear the seinfeld noise that closes each scene.
EXT: SIMPSONS HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY
Front view of their home, sun rising from the backyard, bird sounds, seindfeld noise.
INT: KITCHEN- CONTINUOUS
Marge is making breakfast and shouting up to the kids to get up as Homer walks in.
MARGE
KIDS! It's time for breakfa...aahhhh!! Homer
you scared the Bejebus out of me!
HOMER
Heh, heh, heh, Jebus. Sorry Marge, but I'm
turning over a new leaf, starting today.
MARGE
Well great, rising early is a nice start.
How many boxes of waffles this morning, 2 or
3?
HOMER
Forget the waffles.
MARGE
Whaaat?? Just 2 pounds of bacon then?
HOMER
Forget the bacon too. I'll have a toasted
bagel with light cream cheese and a granola
bar.
MARGE
(a look of shock on her face) Ooooohhhh,
there's something wrong with the water
again.
Marge heads toward the phone and presses the poison control button which is #1 on the speed dial.
HOMER
No, no, no, Marge. There's nothing wrong
with the water, I'm just going to start
doing the opposite of every instinct I have.
MARGE
Why?
HOMER
Because every decision I've ever made in my
entire life has been wrong. The opposite
would have to be right.
MARGE
Where'd you come up with this?
HOMER
Late night TV.
MARGE
Thank you Johnny Carson.
HOMER
Incorrect Marge, Thank you Jerry Seinfeld.
We hear the seinfeld noise.
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
EXT: SIMPSONS DRIVEWAY - MORNING
Homer is walking towards his car whistling, just as Ned Flanders aproaches him.
NED
Good diddley morning to you Homer.
HOMER
(grumbling to himself, opposite, opposite,
opposite..)
Good diddley morning to you Neddy. Can I
help you with something?
NED
Well, actually Homer, I was looking to get
some advice on a pickle of a matter.
HOMER
Let me hear it, I'm all ears.
NED
Well, it seems I accidently booked the boys
and I up for two worthwile events this
saturday, and I'm not sure what I should
do? They're both pretty close together time
wise and I'm not sure how I could squeeze
the both of them in. Any suggestions?
Homer(In deep thought)
Hmmmmm....Instead of trying to give a 50%
effort on both, decide which one you want to
do and give it 100%. Then call and give your
regrets to the other thing, I'm sure they'll understand.
NED
That's great advice Homer, but how should I
decide which one we should attend?
HOMER
There are 3 of you Flander's, so a simple
vote as to who wants to do what will settle
this peacefully and diplomatically.
NED
Homer, you a true friend and a great
advisor. Thank you from the bottom of my
heart.
HOMER
Don't mention it neighborino.
Homer jumps into his car and waves back to Flanders in the driveway.
INT: HOMER'S CAR
HOMER
(with a big smile, feeling good about
himself) Woo Hoo!!!
INT: QUIKIMART
Homer is walking toward the counter with an armfull of items. He places them down on the counter and we see a six pack of Fudd, a playgirl magazine and a pint of vanilla sherbert.
APU
Good morning Mr. Homer.
HOMER
Good morning Apu...just picking up a few
things for work. How about a scratch ticket?
APU
Of course, which would you like Drooling for
Doughnuts or Lotto Lettuce?
HOMER
mmmmmm...doughnut's. NO, WAIT! I'll take a
Lotto Lettuce, please.
APU
Very good sir, good luck.
Homer reads the ticket instructions aloud.
HOMER
Get your rabbits to muliply and win $1 for
every rabbit.
We see a close up of the ticket and it shows three dark rabbit holes. Homer scratches the first one and two rabbits in a compromising posistion are shown.
HOMER
Two happy bunnies.
Homer scratches the second hole.
HOMER
Oooohhhhh! Four happy horny bunnies.
Homer scratches the third hole.
HOMER
Woo Hoo!!! 100 tired happy horny bunnies.
APU
Congratulations Mr. Homer, you are the first
customer I see that has gotten any action
from these bunnies. The state likes to keep
all the action for themselves.
HOMER
Thank you Apu, now I'm off to a great day at
the power plant.
APU
Thank you sir and come again.
INT: SPRINGFIELD NUCLEAR POWER PLANT - MR. BURNS OFFICE
Homer is standing in front of mr. Burn's desk. Smither's is standing next to a seated Mr. Burns.
MR. BURNS
OK Simpson, I've got good news and I've got
bad news. Your sloppiness here at the plant
as safety inspector is about to earn you
some recognition. Mr. Smithers is holding
two envelopes, one with good news and one
with bad.
We see smithers with an envelope in each hand, smiling broadly.
SMITHERS
Which will it be Simpson?
Homer has a look of total confidence.
HOMER
I'll take the left one, please.
Smithers hands the envelope to Mr. Burns. He opens it, smiles broadly, then turns it for homer to see.
MR. BURNS
Homer Simpson, you're FIRED!!
A close up of Homers exasperated face. Then a view of Smithers and Mr. Burns laughing in joy.
SMITHERS
You should have taken the other one Simpson.
Homer turns and walks away slowly, mumbling to himself on the way out.
I DID take the other one...what happened?
EXT: PARKING LOT
INT: HOMER'S CAR IN PARKING LOT
Homer is still talking to himself in disbelief.
HOMER
How could I go wrong? I did the opposite,
this can't be right.
We see him driving through Springfield. He approaches the Springfield Unemployment Office.
INT: SPRINGFIELD ENEMPLOYMENT OFFICE
Snake is in line, with dollar bills sticking out of his pockets. Cletus is also in line, wearing a snazzy suit, a gold necklace and gold rings on each hand. Homer looks off to the side and see's three people sitting down who look familiar.
HOMER
Hey, don't I know you?
MICHAEL RICHARDS
Ohhhhh, you might. The three of us use to be
quite an act on TV.
HOMER
AAAHHHH!!! You're Kramer!
MICHAEL RICHARDS
Yeah, well, I used to be...once upon a time.
HOMER
And you're Elaine!
JULIA LOUISE DREYFUSS
Yup,(stressing the p with her trademark pop
sound) that was me.
JASON ALEXANDER
Hi, I'm Jason, I used to play George.
Homer grabs Jason by the neck.
HOMER
Why you little!!! Just do the opposite, ehh?
Now look where it's gotten me!
Julia and Michael pull Homer away from Jason.
MICHAEL
Hey c'mon pal, take it easy, we're all on a
bit of a downer.
HOMER
What are the three of you doing here in
Springfield?
MICHAEL
Wellll, there's no way I can afford the
hollywood lifestyle NOW!
JASON
Same here. I've been doing commercials for
chicken feed. Literrally,no money, just
chicken.
HOMER
And you? (looking at Julia)
JULIA
Wellll, ya know. Jerry cancelled the show, I
spent some extra time with the hubby and
kids, I started my own TV show, yadda,
yadda,yadda, here I am.
MICHAEL
Soooo, what line of work are you in buddy?
TV? Movies?
HOMER
Yeah, I wish. I'm a safety inspector for a
nuclear power plant.
That is I was, until MR. Burns fired me for
picking the wrong
envelope this morning. Now I'm just Homer
Simpson, unemployed.
Julia, Michael and Jason all look at each with a look of surprise on their face.
MICHAEL
It's BRILLIANT!!
JULIA
It's FANTASTIC!!
HOMER
What?
JASON
It, it, it's UNBELIEVABLE!!
HOMER
What the hell are you talking about?
MICHAEL
Homer, the three of us have been trying to
put a show together, but we couldn't come
up with a work setting.
HOMER
And you think a nucleur power plant is the
right setting?
MICHAEL
Giddyup!
JASON
How would you like to help us create a brand
new TV program that'll blow away anything
that's ever been done before?
HOMER
Me work in TV?
JULIA
This could be the oppurtunity of a lifetime.
Will you help us,Homer Simpson, executive
consultant of "The Uranium Files"?
HOMER
Giddyup!
MICHAEL, JASON & JULIA
(Together) WOO HOO!!
HOMER
I knew I picked the right envelope! I'm in!!
Sooo, what network will be airing this, ABC?
NBC? CBS? HBO?
JASON
No, none of those.
MICHAEL
We're going with FOX.
HOMER
Fox?? Eeewwww. Why Fox?
JULIA
They're the only one's who will have us.
(seinfeld noise)
EXT: THE SIMPSONS HOME
INT: KITCHEN
Marge is washing dishes. Homer walks in.
HOMER
Marge!! You won't believe the day I'm
having! I've been doing the opposite
and I've won $100, lost my job and then
accepted a new job in television!
MARGE
(shoving Homer over backwards)
Get OUT!!
HOMER
(recovering) No Marge, it's true!
MARGE
No Homer, I mean get out,you're ruining
my freshly waxed floor! Get out, get out,
get out!
Homer grabs Marge and leads her into the living room where Michael, Jason & Julia are sitting on the couch.
HOMER
Marge, meet my new associates, George,
Elaine & Kramer.
MICHAEL
Homer, it's not Kramer, it's..
HOMER
Oh right, I'm sorry. It's Cosmo.
MARGE
Oh my god, Julia, Michael & Jason, it's
really you! What'll the neighbors think?
Marge goes over to the curtains and pulls them shut.
MARGE
Homer, what on earth were you thinking?
You had a solid working posistion at the
plant, now you're gambling on these three?
The three guests all look at each other solemnly.
HOMER
Marge, how can you say that? These people
were part of the greatest sitcom ever, Seinfeld.
MARGE
If you were banking on doing something with
Jerry or even that guy who played Newman, I
could see your enthusiasm, but I'm sorry, I
think this is a big mistake.
HOMER
Well, fine Marge, think that way, but doing
the opposite is the right thing to do and
it hasn't failed yet.
MARGE
Oh really? Just what kind of advice did you
give Ned this morning?
HOMER
The best advice I could think of, why?
MARGE
Well your great advice got him and the boys
thrown out of both, the Springfield Church
Choir and the Helping Hands community
group. They said if he couldn't give
eqaully to both, he wasn't worthy of being
associated with either one. Are you happy
now, his name is mud!
A confused look on Homer's face.
HOMER
Woo Hoo!! I told you it works! C'mon guy's
we've got some work to do.
(seinfeld noise)
EXT: SIMPSONS HOUSE - CONTINUOUS- NIGHT TIME
A message at the bottom of the screen says "2 months later"
INT: SIMPSONS LIVING ROOM
We see the entire family sitting in front of the TV.
HOMER
Well Marge, are you ready to eat your
words?
BART
Save some for us, we need to eat too.
HOMER
Why you little...
MARGE
Homer! I'm sure your show is going to be
great. I'm sorry if I doubted you at first.
LISA
You're the man, Dad. We're all proud of
you.
BART
Yeah, good luck Homer dude.
MAGGIE
Maggie gives a thumbs up.
(suck, suck)
We see a close up of the TV. An opening shot reads " The Uranium Files"..starring Michael Richards...Jason Alexander...and Julia Louise Dreyfuss.
A pan back to Homer.
HOMER
Thank you all so much, I knew you'ld see
how right the opposite can be.
Back to the TV. It now reads: Executive Producer...Homer Simpson..
Then the TV goes blank for a few seconds. Then a voice is heard saying...
TV ANNOUNCER
The Uranium Files has been cancelled. We
now bring you a better program.
We see the opening credits for : America's Ugliest Bachelor's.
Back to Homer, aghast.
HOMER
What happened?
BART
Well Homer, you've succeded once again!
You just crushed Chevy Chase's unbreakable
record.
HOMER
What? That can't be! I did the opposite.
The opposite can't be wrong.
MARGE
Well Homey, if you still want to follow
that theory, then it stands to reason now
that every opposite decision you have will
be wrong, so now your initial decision will
be right, just the way it ought to be.
HOMER
Hmmmmm...could it be that simple?
LISA
Ya know Dad, The Osbornes are really BIG
these days, maybe your next show should be
a family based reality series.
HOMER
Heyyyy, you make a good point. We could
call it The Simpsons.
MARGE
(laughing) Heh, heh, heh. The Simpsons on
Fox, I wonder how long that would last.
Heh, heh, heh.
BART
Probably about 15...
We see just a blue screen, then the ending credits start to roll.
THE END