START. -- SIMPSONS LIVING ROOM 9:00 A.M.
BART is picking up the daily mail at the mail slot and is flipping through the letters.
BART: Junk...junk...Dad's test results....junk...jury duty...junk...Oh wow, a letter from Krusty!
THERE IS A KNOCK A THE DOOR, BART ANSWERS, AND IT IS MILHOUSE.
MILHOUSE: (trying to sound smooth) Hey, Bart. How's my brother from another mother doing?
BART: (irritated) Ah, fine, 'bro.' (happy) Well, I just got this cool letter from Krusty, and--
MILHOUSE: Ooh, ooh! What's it say, Bart?
BART: It says; "Hey, hey! Bart Simpson, you've been selected to get your picture taken with me, you old pal Krusty at the Springfield Retirment Castle on Saturday and hang out with some cool centurions!"....What the hell is a "Centruion"?
MILHOUSE: I don't know, Bart, but it sounds like a Roman Toy from the 1980's.
BART: That's the lamest thing I ever heard! Tell you what Milhouse, on Saturday, I...uh, will be washing my hair and how about you go in my place instead?
MILHOUSE: You mean YOU, Bart Simpson want me to go hang out with Krusty the Clown for you!? (giggles dorkishly) Boy, would I!
LISA ENTERS.
MILHOUSE: Lisa, guess what Mr. Coolguy..aka ME, will be doing this Saturday?
LISA: (rolls eyes) Standing up to your bi-polar disorder?
MILHOUSE: I wish, cuz on saturday, I'll be playing with some Centurions with Krusty the Clown!
LISA and BART EXCHANGE WORRIED GLANCES.
CUT TO THE KRUSTYLU STUDIO OFFICE. KRUSTY IS PACING WHILE LINDSEY NAGEL IS GOING OVER SOME PAPERWORK AT HER DESK.
KRUSTY: Ms. Nagel, we've got to do more than book lame-o photo-ops at old- farts homes. There's got to be a way to get new episodes of my show produced! These damn reruns are killing my ratings...almsot as much as the new shows!
NAGEL: Krusty, the union says, according to your contract you signed with your hash pipe-pen, you can't produce more shows due to your writers being on strike.
KRUSTY: I can't believe these hacks want more money. Who the hell do they think they are? They have the best spot on TV right now and they won't find any better! (walks over to the open window and looks down at the dozen writers) Hey, morons if you had spent more time writing better material instead of worrying about what to put on those freakin' picket signs, we wouldn't be in this mess!
SUDDENLY A PICKET SIGN WITH THE WORD "JACKASS" COMES FLYING UP AND HITS KRUSTY BETWEEN THE EYES.
KRUSTY: OWWW!!!! (rubs face and walks back to Nagel)
NAGEL: I'll tell you what, Krusty, why don't you just take this weekend after the retirment home to do some brainstorming and come Monday, we'll put our ideas together.
KRUSTY: Great! Say, how about tonight you and I go out for some martinis. (kinky) I can leave Mr. Teeny at home.
NAGEL: (smug) But, Krusty, even if you left that monkey home, Mr. Teeny would still be with you.
KRUSTY HAS A BLANK LOOK, THEN A REALIZATION OF NAGEL'S COMMENT SINKS IN.
KRUSTY: (flippiant) Eh, there's plenty of fish in the sea...
CUT TO THE SPRINGFIELD RETIREMENT CASTLE THE NEXT MORNING. KRUSTY AND NAGEL ARE BY THE COMPANY VAN WITH CORPORAL PUNISHMENT (CP).
CP: Krusty, I think that kid you sent the invite is here, shall I go get him?
KRUSTY: (very bored) Yeah, sure...knock yourself out.
CP WALKS OFF TOWARDS MILHOUSE.
KRUSTY: Lindsey, out of all the bottom gutter places to be on a Saturday morning...tell me again why I agreed to do this?
NAGEL: Because this is "Grandparents Day" and the kids visit their grandparents in record numbers. By being here, it makes you look more like a caring human being who lets himself be part of other people's lives.
KRUSTY: Bah, they have names for people like those: Stalkers!
CUT TO CP AS HE WALKS UP TO MILHOUSE.
CP: Are you the kid Krusty sent the personal invite to?
MILHOUSE: I sure am Mr. Punishment!
CP: Whatever...Follow me.
MILHOUSE: Say, Mr. Punishment, why haven't you been on Krusty's show as much?
CP: I became an orderly here at this nursing home because it fits my really caring nature.
CORPORAL PUNISHMENT SHOVES A MAN IN WHEELCHAIR OUT OF THE WAY AND THE MAN ROLLS DOWN THE FRONT DRIVEWAY. THE OLD MAN LETS OUT AN EXCITED "WEEEE" THEN COLLIDES WITH THE BACK OF A PARKED CAR, SETTING OFF A CAR ALARM.
CP AND MILHOUSE WALK UP TO KRUSTY AS THE CAR ALARM IS GOING OFF IN THE BACKGROUND. SUDDENLY, THE ALARM STOPS, FOLLOWED BY AN MAN YELLING "Oh my god! Dad!"
CP: A little boy is here to see you, sir.
MILHOUSE: Wow! It's Krusty the clown! You're my second favorite celeberty next to Tom Cruise!
KRUSTY: (looking perplexed) Hey, you're not Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?
MILHOUSE: (shy) I'm Milhouse Van Houten, Krusty! B-Bart sent me in his place. I'm sorry.
KRUSTY: You're damn skippy, you're sorry--
KRUSTY MAKES A THREATENING GESTURE TOWARDS MILHOUSE.
MILHOUSE: P-please don't kill me! My parents just got back together and I need some time to rebuild my self-esteem, and--
LINDSEY: Image, Krusty. Your Image...
KRUSTY: ...Oyyyyy, first I'm doing the clown mamba to a bunch of geriatric freeloaders, and now a nerdling, poser fan is kissing my ass. Heh, this reminds me of Vegas, when I was the star, instead of that idiot Tom Jones.
SOME OLD FOLKS HEAR THE NAME "TOM JONES" AND LOOK EXCITED.
KRUSTY: Ugh! Tom Jones ain't coming!
THE LOOK OF EXCITEMENT TURNS TO DISSAPOINTMENT. ONE ELDERLY WOMAN FAINTS AND LOOKS LIKE SHE JUST DIED.
MILHOUSE: Look, Mr. Clown...I-I really want to help.
KRUSTY: Eh, sorry, kid. You don't look like the charismatic type, so you'll be sittin' this show out. Lindsey! (snaps fingers) Babysit this brat until I finish my tap dance with the golden oldies...
CUT TO KRUSTYLU STUDIOS'S OFFICE.
KRUSTY: Lindsey, what else can we do to make some moola besides guest appearences?
LINDSEY: We could pour some more cash into Itchy and Scratchyland...
MILHOUSE CUTS IN
MILHOUSE: Itchy and Scratchyland!? That park is sooooo old and there's nothing cool there, but that funnel cake stand and Kiddie Island.
KRUSTY: Lindsey, you see this--this wet teabag thinks Itchy and Scratchyland is lame, and this kid, who looks like the sultan of Lame, isn't impressed. Lindsey, I need this kid to be a new advisor, or something.
LINDSEY: But, Krusty--
KRUSTY: Just do it! Milhome over there looks like he'll work cheap. Hey, kid, I'll give you an autograph if you pull a double.
MILHOUSE: Sure thing Krusty, but what's "double?"
CUT TO SIMPSONS LIVING ROOM. BART'S WATCHING TV AND HIS CELLPHONE RINGS WITH THE "WHO CAN IT BE NOW?" RINGER.
BART: (looks at caller ID) Milhouse? I wonder what kind of fun he had at the old folks home. (opens phone) Y'ello?
MILHOUSE: Bart, you won't believe what happened after I left the Springfield retirement castle! Krusty promoted me to his Children's advisory Council.
BART: What the hell? Milhouse, you didn't just fall down and hit your head and imagine the whole Saturday afternoon like last Saturday afternoon?
MILHOUSE: No, Bart! And the best news is....
CUT TO THE SPINNING NEWSPAPER AND HEADLINE READS "KRUSTYLAND AMUSEMENT PARK OPENING SOON!" AND THE SMALLER HEADLINE READS: "KRUSTY'S WRITERS PROMOTED TO KRUSTYLAND LOT CLEAN-UP".
CUT TO THE SIMPSONS BREAKFAST TABLE. HOMER, MARGE, BART, LISA AND MAGGIE ARE ALL SEATED AND EATING BREAKFAST.
HOMER: (reading paper) Wow, Bart. Milhouse and Krusty managed to get a new amusement park ready for Springfield. What do you plan to accomplish this week?
BART GIVES HOMER A DIRTY GLARE.
LISA: Yeah, dad. Maybe I was wrong about Milhouse I mean...(flirtatious giggle) he's only 10 and moving up the corporate ladder. Ahh...
A DREAMY LOOK APPEARS ON LISA'S FACE.
MAGGIE POINTS AT MILHOUSE'S PICTURE ON THE FRONT PAGE AND APPLAUDS AND MAKES HAPPY BABY NOISES.
BART: Oh, c'mon, people! I bet this whole venture is going to bomb even before it opens! I mean...it's Milhouse! (BART IMITATES MILHOUSE) "Duh, I'm a goofy dork who likes waders and cottage cheese with pineapple!"
MARGE: Bart! I don't want you bad-mouthing Milhouse! You've had your share of adventures with Krusty. Let your best friend have some, too. Speaking of which, Bart, do you know if Luann recived that cake I sent her via the cake company?
BART SLAPS HIS FOREHEAD IN DISGUST.
CUT TO KRUSTYLU'S OFFICE AS MILHOUSE IS HAVING A NEW DESK PLACED BY THE WINDOW THAT OVERLOOKS THE PARKING LOT. KRUSTY ENTERS.
KRUSTY: Hey Milhouse, you have guest. It's my former greatest fan Bart Simpson.
KRUSTY DULLY STARES AT THE CEILING AND WALKS OFF LEAVING BART AND MILHOUSE ALONE.
BART: (sarcastic) Well, Milhouse, it's been a very fast two weeks since I let you stand in for me. So busy in fact, you haven't had time to return my calls.
MILHOUSE: Sorry, Bart, but I've been living here on the lot since they hired me. Mom and Dad are on their second honeymoon and this was the cheaper than hiring a sitter, plus I got to work on orgainizing my stamp collection.
BART: Stamp collecting!? You chose stamp collecting over MY FRIENDSHIP and what's worse is you helped design an amusment park without consulting me! That was out childhood dream!
MILHOUSE: (upset) No, Bart, our childhood dream was to hijack an Ice Cream truck and drive it to Mexico!
BART: And we could've done it if you had 35 more cents that one fine summer day three years ago!
MILHOUSE: You know what, Bart? I'm now a BUSINESSMAN I don't have time for this drivel. (Millhouse hits the "security" button under the desk) Goodbye, Bart.
TWO OF KRUSTY'S ASSISTANT CLOWNS COME ON AND GRAB BART BY EACH ARM AND ESCORT HIM OUT OF THE OFFICE.
BART: What the hell...? Milhouse, I swear, I'm going to expose you for the Un-park-educated hack you really are!
KRUSTY WALKS BY AND BARELY ACKNOWLEDGES BART BEING CARRIED OFF.
BART: Krusty! Tell these guys to let me go! Remeber all the good times we had? Or, the time I reunited you with your father!? Krusty...
KRUSTY: Eh.... (shrugs shoulders) Milhouse, so for Krustyland's grand opening, what do you think we should have for the festivites?
MILHOUSE: Uh....Elephants are cool and my dad likes that guy from the show "House..."
KRUSTY: Have a "Circus of the Stars" party!? Holy Vodka, kid! I like, I like...Have another autograph!
MILHOUSE: Another "Double" coming right up!
CUT TO THE SIMPSONS CAR. EVERYONE BUT BART ARE LOOKING HAPPILY OUT THE WINDOW AS THEY PULL UP INTO THE KRUSTYLAND PARKING LOT.
HOMER: Woo-hoo! For once we didn't arrive last and have to park next to the interstate!
LISA: Actually dad, that was the time we broke down in I-35 and leaped over the fence at Six Flags just to use the phone.
HOMER: Well, Daddy managed to get a tow truck and all of you on five rides before security was the wiser!
BART: Bah! Who the hell cares about this stupid park. Milhouse and Krusty "The Rusty" Clown can both take a flying leap for all it care!
MARGE: Bart!
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE, HOMER SPOTS A BUNGEE-TYPE RIDE CALLED "THE FLYING LEAP" AND SEES A FATHER AND SON TAKE A DIVE.
HOMER: Bart! How about you and I take a "Flying Leap!"
THE FAMILY WALKS UP TO THE LINE WHICH IS ONLY A FEW DOZEN PEOPLE LONG.
MARGE: (slightly worried) Bart, I know you must be feeling a bit, uh...irritated with Milhouse, but please just try to put it out of your mind and--
SUDDENLY ABOVE THE ENTRANCE ON THE JUMBO TV, KRUSTY AND MILHOUSE APPEAR. BENEATH THEM, THE WORDS "CIRCUS OF THE STARS SHOW AT NOON!" SCROLL ACROSS.
MARGE: Hrmmm.....
CUT TO HOMER AS HE STANDS IN LINE AT THE KOTTON CANDY BOOTH. HOMER CHECKS HIS WATCH AND IT READS 11:30 A.M. WHEN THE MAN IN FRONT TURNS TO LEAVE, HOMER'S SHOCKED.
HOMER: Hey, I've seen you before on that second string network where people like trading family members, except I've never seen you clean shaven, though.
HUGH LAURIE: Buddy, it's my disguise and would yah keep it down please?
HOMER: What? The cotton candy, but I haven't eaten any---
HUGH: No, I mean if people knew I played "House" I'd have a bunch of 30 and 40 year old women chasing me around trying to make me husband number two or three. It's bad enough my agent is making me do this appearence with Klarence...is that his name...the Clown.
HOMER: (laughs) If you think that is bad, we have to watch you, so I guess that makes us even, right!?
HUGH: Whatever...now, I've got an Elephant to catch!
HOMER: Woah.
HUGH: Not literally.
CUT TO BART AS HE WALKS THE MIDWAY WHEN NELSON APPEARS.
NELSON: Hey, loser. I must say, I am totally loving this place over Itchy and Scratchyland. It's so much cleaner and safer for ME.
NELSON PUNCHES BART IN THE STOMACH AND BART FALLS OVER IN PAIN.
NELSON: HA-HAW!
BART: What was that for!?
NELSON: That's for not thinking of this park with Krusty first! Although I did give "props" to Milhouse this morning and by "props" I mean I pushed I giant bowling pin prop on top of him at the Bowlarama.
CUT TO KRUSTY AND MILHOUSE BEHIND THE CURTAIN AT THE AMPITHEATRE.
KRUSTY: (lights up a cigar) Damn, damn, damn...this is it, kid! Our moment to shine! Now, remember to hand out those Krusty Pamphlets with the subliminal messaging for Camel Cigs.
MILHOUSE: Okay, but what about Bart? Did you send him the VIP invitation?
KRUSTY: Ah, yeah....that thing. Well, I WAS going to send it but I had more important things to do, like having some rhinoplasty appointments for Mr. Teeny.
MILHOUSE: Oh.... (Milhouse peeks outside the curtain, but only sees Homer and Marge in the front row)
CUT TO HOMER AND MARGE.
MARGE: (squinting) Is...that Milhouse and his nose peeking out behind the curtain?
HOMER: Yeah, or it could be a boob.
LISA AND BART SIT DOWN NEXT TO HOMER AND MARGE.
MARGE: Hey kids! I got the brochures! (hands them to Bart and Lisa) And I have the sudden urge to have a smoke.
HOMER: Marge, I've got a pack right here--
MARGE: Really?
HOMER: ...A pack of GUM! I think it's Juicyfruit!
MARGE LET'S OUT MUR-MUR OF DISSAPOINTMENT, THEN THE LOUDSPEAKER COMES ON AND IT'S THE ANNOUNCER.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the grand opening of the Krustyland theme park's Ampitheatre! Tonight, we have the show of the year and to get the parrrrrrty started, we have the most awesome doctor on TV...House!
HUGH LAURIE WALKS OUT ON STAGE FOLLOWED BY AN ELEPHANT. ONE OF KRUSTY'S SEXY ASSITANTS BRINGS HIM A CORDLESS MIC.
HUGH: Thanks, Jiggles!
JIGGLES GIGGLES AND WALKS OFF STAGE AS EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE STARES AT HER AS SHE WALKS OFF STAGE.
HUGH: 'ahem', Eyes up her everybody!
HOMER AND BART ARE STILL STARING AT THE STAGE WHERE JIGGLES EXITED. MARGE PUNCHES HOMER IN HIS ARM, WHICH TAKES HIM OUT OF HIS STUPOR.
HOMER: Oh, sorry, honey....
tbc...