"The Simpsons vs. South Park" By Xebot
[Blackboard scene: Bart's writing, "I do not have Patrick Duffy for a leg."]
[Couch scene: Couch turns into a toilet, and Simpsons fall in. Mr. Hankey bounces-in, and flushes it.]
[Scene: Simpson's living room. The family's watching TV.]
[Troy McClure on TV.]
Troy: "Hi! My name is Troy McClure. You may remember me from such commercials as 'Diarrhea Daddy' and the Cleo-award winner, 'Heather Has Two Playstations'. I'd like to thank the Sony Corporation for their sponsorship of the Cleo's this year. Friends, ever get tired of sweating through another hot, steamy Christmas? Do you ask yourself, 'Where DID all the snow go?'
Homer: Yes I do!
Marge: Homer, it's snowing outside, and this is still November!
Homer: Sure, Marge. And what if ...
Troy: And even if it's snowing where you live now, what if aliens came and melted it?
Homer: [Mystified.] He read my mind ...
Troy: Come and vacation where it ALWAYS snows, and the ALIENS LIKE IT!
Homer: Where is it! Where is it!
Troy: Spend your Christmas vacation in the beautiful, mountain resort community of South Park, Colorado! [Speaking disclaimer under his breath, quickly.] Jews and blacks may not be welcome.
Homer: We're on our way, Mr. TV! You always tell me the right thing to do -- except for that one episode of Ally McBeal -- luckily that rose bush broke Maggie's fall. Who knew babies couldn't fly? Or is that turkeys? [To himself.] Note: trim rose bush next Thanksgiving.
Marge: Homer! You're not throwing a turkey out of our bedroom window; and we're not vacationing in some backwards, white-bread, mountain town!
Homer: Backwards?! If they were so BACKWARDS, then they would be living in a white-bread, hole-in-the-ground town!
Lisa: I know I'll hate myself in the morning for saying this, but that almost makes sense.
Bart: Lisa's been hittin' the Kava Kava pretty heavy, these days.
Homer: Marge, the kids deserve to experience a white Christmas for once in their lives!
Marge: We had a white Christmas last year!
Homer: [Whining.] Yeah, but that was last year. Kids can't remember what happened last ... ah, what was I saying?
Lisa: Mom, for once I agree with dad. It'll be a great report for school: "Fear and Loathing in South Park"!
Marge: OK, OK, I'm out-voted.
Bart: Don't I get to vote?
Marge: Bart, we're NOT going to the North Pole just because you think Santa's holding-out on you!
Bart: [Evil tone.] We'll meet again, Mr. Claus ...
[The Simpsons drive into South Park. Officer BarBrady pulls them over. He walks up to their car.]
BarBrady: My name is Officer BarBrady.
Lisa: ... and your sister's name is BatBrady?
BarBrady: Ha, ha, ha. Like I haven't heard that one before. [Puzzled.] I don't get it.
Lisa: 'Bar', as in bar mitzvah, a ceremony for a young Jewish boy, and 'bat', as in bat mitzvah, for a young Jewish girl.
BarBrady: Uh ... are you a communist?
Homer: She's pinker than Alan Alda!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: Relax, Marge. This is America. They don't hang commies anymore; they just give 'em the "Oscar curse". Look at Jane Fonda. She ended-up married to a rich, old fart with dirty teeth! [Shudders.]
BarBrady: Uh ... actually, we DO hang communists here. I don't know what country you foreigners come from, but I'll have to put you all under arrest -- for your own safety -- while we auction-off your belongings.
[Scene: The Simpsons are in the South Park jail.]
Lisa: Good work, dad. You got us all put in jail -- and I'M scheduled to be hanged!
Homer: Don't worry, Lisa, you'll get a fair trial.
Marge: Homer, you apologize to Lisa, right now!
Homer: OK, Lisa I'm sorry I turned you in ... [sobbing] I'm SORRY! It wasn't MY fault! It was all of those Elia Kazan movies you made me watch!
[Eric Cartman enters the jail cell. He's wearing his 'mirrored' glasses, and carrying a night-stick.]
Cartman: My name is Sheriff Cartman. If you want to live, until tomorrow when you'll be hanged, you WILL respect my authori-TAH!
Lisa: You can't hang us without a trial!
Cartman: [Smacks Lisa upside the head with his club.]
Lisa: Ow!
Bart: Hey, that's my sister, man!
Cartman: What we have here is a failure to communi-CAH!
Marge: Hey, Cartman! [She holds up Maggie.] Kick the baby!
Cartman: Cooooool! Kyle never lets me play!
Bart: This one's for the game! Here, let me hold that night-stick and those keys.
Cartman: Thanks, dude. OK, this one's for the game ...
[The Simpsons run out of the jail cell, and lock Cartman inside.]
Cartman: [Looking through the bars.] Anytime you're ready ... AYE!
[The Simson family enters the South Park Elementary School. They meet Mr. Mackie walking down the hall.]
Marge: [To Mr. Mackie.] Please, sir, help us! This crazy cop and jello-boy want to kill us because they think we're Jewish!
Mackie: Well, that'll happen when you people start killing Jesus all the time, mmkay?
Lisa: But we're not Jewish, and the Jews DIDN'T kill Christ, anyway; that was the Romans!
Mackie: Well, we think even less of you WOPs, mmkay? [Walks off.]
[The Simpsons meet Stan, Kyle and Kenny walking down the hall. Kenny is carrying a bag full of fireworks.]
Kyle: [To Stan.] Kenny and me are going to drop these fireworks down the toilet, and free Mr. Hankey! Viva Phillips la Magnesia!
[BarBrady enters behind the South Park gang.]
BarBrady: Kids, stop them, they're wanted criminals!
Stan: Stop who?
BarBrady: Actually, I was hoping you'd take the 'hint' and kill them off the bat.
Stan: Kill who?
BarBrady: I'm deputizing you all. Shoot anyone with yellow skin!
Kyle: But we don't have any guns!
BarBrady: Now you know why I opposed metal-detectors in elementary schools! Duck, boys!
[BarBrady unloads six shots from his revolver. When the smoke clears, everyone is OK, except for a hole in Maggie's pacifier. She gives an evil look to BarBrady.]
Stan: Where did you learn how to shoot, BarBrady?
BarBrady: Same place as the rest of the cops, shooting Chinamen for the railroads. Unfortunately, they were all dead by the time I entered training.
Stan: Damn cowards!
Homer: Ah, do you mind if I ask for one last request?
Marge: Homer! They're going to KILL us, and you're going to ask for a donut, aren't you?
Homer: Marge, how could you think me so petty! Actually, I was going to ask for a cigarette.
Marge: But you don't smoke, Homer.
Homer: Well, actually, it's for the boy. If he's gonna die young, it might as well be from cigarettes.
BarBrady: Well, I don't see anything wrong it that. It usually takes me seven minutes to reload my revolver, anyway.
Lisa: Dad, wouldn't this be a good time to run away ... while he's reloading?
Homer: Shssssh, Lisa! Daddy has a plan.
Marge: I just hope that it's better than your plan for our tenth anniversary special.
Homer: Relax, Marge. Everybody loved Ed Sullivan's cat.
[BarBrady lights a cigarette, and hands it towards Bart. Maggie stretches her pacifier, and slingshots it, knocking the cigarette out of BarBrady's hand. The lit cigarette drops into the bag of fireworks that Kenny is still holding. Everyone, except for Kenny, ducks. Kenny has a worried expression on is face. Nothing happens.]
Kenny: Whoo-hoooh!
[The fireworks explode. Kenny is blown apart in 17.6 directions.]
Stan: Maggie, YOU BASTARD!
[The smoke clears. Chief Wiggum and his squad enter.]
Wiggum: OK, you're all under arrest for unlawful use of fireworks!
BarBrady: Hey! You have no ... no ...
Lisa: Jurisdiction?
Homer: [Sarcastically.] Nice work, Lisa. You selling tickets to our hanging?
Wiggum: Actually, it turns out that I do have ... what's that word, Lisa?
Lisa: Jurisdiction.
Wiggum: Yeah, that too. According to the "Springfield/South Park treaty of 1820", when the two cities finally decided to stop shooting each other's Chinamen, the police force of Springfield has EXCLUSIVE rights to arrest and/or detain any of its citizens who may be accused of committing crimes, or of being found to be black or Jewish.
BarBrady: I've never read that document!
Wiggum: Of course not, numb-nutts, you can't read, remember?
BarBrady: I can spell 'cat'!
Wiggum: Yeah, you keep up the school work, Shoeless Joe. Meanwhile, I'll be escorting MY citizens back to the town of Springfield!
Homer: How far is it from South Park to Springfield?
Lisa: In miles or kilometers?
Homer: Which is closer?
[The Simpsons, Chief Wiggum, and his squad exit.]
Stan: But who tipped-off Police Chief Wiggum?
[Scene: The South Park jail. Cartman is folding-up his cell-phone.]
Cartman: Gawd, I hate those guys!
THE END.