Saddam Hussein's official response to the State of the Union address

OFFICIAL RESPONSE TO THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS:

Hello America! Lately it has come to my attention that you are planning to wage war on the ancient country of Iraq and me, Saddam Hussein, because you feel I have not done enough to disarm. While it is difficult for me to make sure all my weapons of mass destruction laboratories are shut down, I will go the extra mile for you, America. Of course, certain conditions must be in place to enable me to do so.

Therefore, I announce to the world community that I will disarm under these conditions:

Condition number 1. When Iran stops its nuclear program. Sure, they say it's just a reactor, but, really, who are we kidding here? Iran is an aggressive nation, and will not hesitate in using nuclear weapons against our Sunni minority to annex the Sh'ia populations of the ancient country of Iraq. They can hold a grudge really good.

Condition number 2. When George Bush invades North Korea. We all know Kim Il Sung makes me look like an angel. I've been bad, but 50-some years of official war, terrorist threats, and mass starvation? Not here!

Condition number 3. When hell freezes over. Now everyone says Hell can't freeze over. But everyone said Afghanistan would a year ago and it didn't. It spared the lives of our Arab fighters and Muslim cousins, who will one day rise up against the Zionist occupation of George W. Bush. If they can be wrong about Afghanistan, why not Hell?

Condition number 4. When George Bush marches down Rashid Street with his pants at his ankles, waving to the voluntarily-assembled crowd. Just like on that episode of the Simpsons. Ha ha ha. Man, I love that show. They even had me being saved by that dirty Jew clown. What a great character - just to show I don't hate all Jews, just the Zionist oppressors of Israel and America. Ha, ha, ha - pants around his ankles. Priceless.

Condition number 5. When pigs fly. That was great on the Simpsons, too. Lisa forsaking pork and the ruthless occupier Homer getting his comeuppance.

Condition number 6. When an independent, democratic Arab Palestine is created. Hey, I got my constituents, too, and like your politicians, I too must make promises which I'm not sure about being able to deliver on. But it might happen, yes?

Condition number 7. When I get to explode one "freebie" nuke. Hey, I just want to see one go off myself, okay? Oh, and live to tell about it. Preferably somewhere on the eastern coast of America, but I'm not too picky.

Condition number 8. When I form my pan-Arab regime. My Arab neighbors seem to be warming to me. It's only a matter of time until we unite and rise up to destroy Israel and America!

Condition number 9. One million dollars. Um, no, wait, I mean, one hundred billion dollars.

Condition number 10. When I am on my deathbed. If I'm without chemical, biological and nuclear weapons, I'm a sitting duck! So this seems reasonable too.

When these ten conditions are satisfied, I will gladly disarm. Until then, America, I wish you much success in your withdrawal from Arab lands. Good night!

Copyright 2003, Michael B. Baer, calbear at stanford dot edu. Distribute freely, but do not use for commercial purposes.

no no no... Bush does not care about the NUCLEAR programs that Iraq has. It is all of your NUCULUR programs. He specifically mentioned them about 30 times in his speech, so they must be really scary.

Stephen

"Michael Byron Baer" wrote in message news:b17j3b$3q4$[email]...

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"Stephen" wrote in message news:D1JZ9.75651$Ve4.6421@sccrnsc03...

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He pronounces "nuclear" just like Jimmy Carter, history's greatest monster, does! I'd also like to hear him say fugsicle, library, and February.

"Uniblab" wrote in message news:3e37625d$[email]...

30

monster,

Carter is history's greatest monster? He's headed off several wars through diplomacy. I guess preventing genocide is monstrous, in your mind.

Nu-cu-lur. It's pronounced Nuculur.

In article ,

It already did. I saw it on the weather network last month. Hell, Indiana or Hell, North Dakota or Iowa or somewhere in that area. I can't find a link to the story, it would help if I could remember what state Hell is in. Unless it's like locating Springfield, and it's a specific Hell that has to freeze over.

Oddly enough, when trying to search for a town named "Hell", I ended up with a reference to Kansas City.

[email] (David Gaudine) wrote in news:b19175$43b$[email]:

After misinterpreting a passage in the Bible, the settlers headed for New Sodom.

What makes people give a town the name of "Hell"?  So that future stand up
comics could make the joke, "I'm in hell here, literally!" <rim shot>
________________________________________________________________

If love of money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so badly?

Remove "bination" to reply.

It's in Michigan, about halfway between Lansing and Detroit.

"David Gaudine" wrote in message news:b19175$43b$[email]...

can't

Indiana

Ask him if he can turn it into a song-and-dance number. You know, like when they tried to save the Maison Derrierre from being bulldozed by Marge.

"Michael Byron Baer" wrote in message news:b17j3b$3q4$[email]...

Kim Il Sung has been dead for years!

UNICEF says about a million Iraqi kids under the age of five have died since the Gulf War. Of course, the US is the one imposing the sanctions...

Yeah and Saddam is the one building the palaces with the money from permitted oil sales (which is supposed to go for humanitarian work.) Let's get this straight, you don't want any sanctions against Iraq?

"someguy" wrote in message news:[email]...

since

Only someone who is ignorant of the obvious, or is in favor of killing children would want to continue the current sanctions. The idea behind the sanctions: to stop Iraq from making weapons of mass destruction. Have they accomplished this after 12 years? Not in the slightest. All they have accomplished is the deaths of a million children.

Sure, you can blame Saddam for those deaths, but if the US didn't keep vetoing the lifting of the sanctions when every other nation in the world is voting to lift them, those kids would not have died of malnutrition and illness. The US shares responsibility for the deaths of these children with Saddam Hussein, because UNICEF says they wouldn't have died if the US didn't block the rest of the world from lifting the sanctions that have clearly shown themselves to be useless in preventing weapons production in Iraq. Starving a million children is a terrorist act, as heinous as any in history. It makes 9/11 look like a mosquito bite. If the UN had any backbone at all, they would put a stop to the sanctions even if it meant going to war with the US.

The US military could have ousted Hussein during the Gulf War. In fact, Bush Sr. stated that ousting Saddam was our objective, NOT liberating Kuwait, which was sort of a side benefit. Bush chickened out at the last minute, acted like liberating Kuwait was our only goal and started acting like we won the Gulf War, abandoning his previously stated objective of ousting Hussein. The Iraqi people have been suffering and dying ever since.

If you are an American, here are some facts to keep in mind as you pay your taxes this year:

1. Over 50% of your tax money goes to support the US military. 2. Last year's increase, just the increase, in US military spending was more than any nation's entire yearly military budget. 3. The US spends more on its military than all other countries in the world combined. 4. One news program in the US reported that US nuclear subs are so heavily armed, if the US eliminated its entire military except for one nuclear sub and crew, it would still have more firepower than all other countries in the world except England, Japan and Russia.