Here's an excerpt from Survive or Die where Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon are hosting the Nearly Dead game in the climatic final scenes of the script...
The Newlywed game theme is played and we see two sections of seating swing out to the center of the podium and stop. On one side are Manjula & Apu with Homer & Marge. The other side has Krusty & Mel with Smithers & Mr.Burns. When the two sections come together, a sign forms that reads:
"The Nearly Dead Game".
BACK TO SCENE
JOHNNY
That's right folks, it's time for The Nearly Dead Game!
Everyone cheers.
JOHNNY
OK folks, I've explained the rules to you offstage. Right or wrong makes no difference, You have to match your partners answers in order to obtain the best way across the gorge. We drew straws to see who would go first and the team of Apu and Manjula go first.
A panning shot shows all the contestants smiling and holding hands.
JOHNNY
OK, question number one... Who shot JR?
A panning shot shows the contestants thinking and then writing down their answer on their pad. A buzzer sounds.
JOHNNY
OK, let's start with you, Manjula. Who shot Jr?
Manjula holds up her sign. Johnny read it aloud.
JOHNNY
Bobby. OK, Apu, lets see if you matched your wifes answer.
Apu holds up his sign. Johnny reads it aloud.
JOHNNY
Sue Ellen. I'm sorry folk's, your answers do not match.
Apu and Manjula both sigh, while the others all smile.
JOHNNY
Marge, show us your answer.
Marge holds up her sign.
JOHNNY
Sue Ellen. Great..and now you Homer.
Homer shows his sign upside down, then quickly turns it around.
JOHNNY
Maggie...I'm sorry, that's not a match.(puzzled) Was there even a Maggie on the show?
Marge growls at Homer.
MARGE
Err...Why don't you THINK before you write or speak?
HOMER
(Cowering) I'm afraid to.
JOHNNY
OK, relax you two, you're still in the game...
Mel, show us your answer.
Mel shows his sign.
JOHNNY
Sue Ellen. OK, Krusty, did you match your sidekick?
Krusty shows his sign.
JOHNNY
The chick with the nice
rack...Judge?
ANGLE ON ED
We pan over to Ed who hits a button and we hear a buzzer.
BACK TO SCENE
JOHNNY
Sorry guys, the judge says it's not a match... Mr.Smithers...you're up.
Smithers holds up his sign.
JOHNNY
Sue Ellen. OK, did you match him Mr. Burns?
Mr.Burns holds up his sign.
JOHNNY
The little tramp who was
in it just for the money...Judge?
ANGLE ON ED
ED
(with thumbs up) Heyyyyooooo!!
BACK TO SCENE
Mr.Burns and Smithers hug each other.
JOHNNY
Congratulations! You two will be crossing the gorge on a Isuzu Golf Cart,brought to us by Springfield motors!
Cheers from the crowd.
JOHNNY
OK, question number two...on the itchy & scratchy show, which one is the mouse?
Krusty and Mel jump out of their seats.
KRUSTY & MEL
YESSSSSSS!!!
JOHNNY
Whoa there..I didn't hear the band play send in the clowns! You're gonna have to wait your turn.
ANGLE ON KRUSTY & MEL
The two clowns sit back down, and we see that their make-up is now done in a sad face.
BACK TO SCENE
JOHNNY
Manjula, what have you got?
She holds up the sign.
JOHNNY
Itchy. OK, Apu?
Apu drops his jaw and holds up his sign.
JOHNNY
Itchy! Congratulations! You two will be crossing the gorge by foot bridge, built with the trusty hands of the Springfield Junior Campers!
Apu and Manjula kiss while Marge and Homer look on in envy.
JOHNNY
OK folks, it's survive or die...
literally, because you have less than a 50/50 chance of making it across on the tight rope..and I don't even wanna think about how you would attempt it any other way.
The two teams eye each other.
JOHNNY
Marge...Homer...you've got first shot...good luck. Name a famous person or thing that came from Greece.
ANGLE ON MARGE & HOMER
Homer and Marge show strains of hard thinking..then, Homer jumps up out of his seat.
HOMER
Woo Hoo!!!
BACK TO SCENE
JOHNNY
Great Homer, but we need it in writing...please.
He sits back down and writes. Marge looks at Homer, then starts to smile broadly.
MARGE
Of course! How could I be so stupid!
They smile at each other and hold hands. Krusty and Mel hang their heads.
JOHNNY
OK Marge, you first.
Marge holds up her sign.
JOHNNY
HOMER...very good! A very intelligent Greek poet.
Homer looks confused.
HOMER
Did you say it's my turn?
JOHNNY
Yes, Marges answer was Homer, what do you say?
Homer is completely befuddled.
HOMER
Marge??
JOHNNY
Is that what your card says?
HOMER
No.
JOHNNY
Will you please show us your card?
Homer slowly shows his card. Marge sees it first.
MARGE
DONUTS!!!?? Ohhhhhhh, I've had it! I'm never going on TV with you ever AGAIN!!
She slams her stack of cards on his head.
HOMER
D'oh!
Johnny is beside himself in laughter.
JOHNNY
(laughing) Ok..ok..Mel, what do you have...and please don't say donut's!
Everyone around is laughing, but Marge is steaming and Homer is the saddest looking puppy ever.
Mel shows his card.
JOHNNY
Claudius. Krusty, did you write Claudius?
Krusty jumps up with his sign.
KRUSTY
Hey! Hey! I once met a man named Claudius...
JOHNNY
Whoa! No dirty limericks on this show!
KRUSTY
But it's greek!
JOHNNY
Nuff said...Krusty and Mel, one of you will be crossing the gorge by tightrope! The other will be waiting on the other side.
Johnny walks over to Marge and Homer.
JOHNNY
Marge...Homer...I'm sorry things didn't work out for you two. But, if one of you can come up with a way to get across the gorge before anyone else, the million dollars is yours.
Homer looks towards Marge.
HOMER
Any ideas Honey?
MARGE
(angrily) Yeah, grab your backpack and try not to forget anything, can you handle that?!
Marge walks off crying with Johnny. Homer heads back toward his tent. He grabs the backpack and the skateboard falls out. He picks it up and stares at it.
HOMER
It's time to make amends.
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