This is not an official capsule, or even an unofficial one. I am just posting the -script- for reference purposes... the official capsule is not up yet. This is a -script- versus the "quotes and scene summary" of the capsules.
I have carefully checked this script against the version that I have, but there is no guarantee that it is completely correct. Also, I think that something might be missing at the end of act two. I think that this may be the syndicated version, but I am not sure. Please let me know.
I actually really liked this episode, it is probably one of the better ones from that season. The plot was fairly co-herent and watch-able, and there were many good one-liners.
The contents are all copyright of Fox, Gracie, etc. and have only been compiled for personal reference. They should only be used thusly.
Any corrections are welcome. Enjoy!
================================== CHILDREN OF A LESSER CLOD [CABF16] ==================================
COUCH GAG ---------
OFF runs on dressed in drab sweatsuits and with crash test
dummy markings. They sit down and the couch rockets forward
and collides with the TV, making a screeching noise. OFF's
heads all loll limply to one side, and the couch pulls back
to its starting position. Homer's head falls off.EPISODE TRANSCIPT -----------------
%% ACT ONE %%
% Group sitting in gymnasium with "OPEN HOUSE" banner above % them. A YMCA rep is standing in front of them.
YMCA Man: Welcome to the Springfield YMCA! Tonight you can
sample all of our classes for free, and if you find
one you like, you can pay our membership fee and
enroll... [crowd laughs, YMCA Man laughs too.]
...I know, we'll never see any of you again.[Crowd nods. Mutters in agreement.]
Homer: [faintly] You got that right...
% Cut to sign "Over 85 Basketball League". Abe and Burns are % playing basketball. Burns does a freethrow in to a peach % basket.
Burns: Alley-oop! [scores] Three-to-one... ohh, this is a high scoring affair...
Abe: Yeah, well, it's your turn to get the ball out of the peach basket [points to ladder beside basket]
Burns: [climbing ladder, muttering bitterly] I'll get the ball out of your peach basket one of these days...
% Cut to "YMCA Gymnastics Class". Lisa, the twins, and others % seated on blue mat, mustached man in maroon work-out outfits % paces in front of them.
Lugosh: Welcome to gymnastics, I am coach Lugosh. I come to
this country in 1983 by cart-wheeling over Burlin
Wall... [class giggles, Lugosh angers] ...no
giggling! It weakens the haunches! [squatting by
Lisa, voice sweetens] Ah, what a little angel! How
old are you?Lisa: Eight.
Lugosh: [Angry again] Eight! Too old! Go home grandma!
[calming] I am sorry, little girl, Lugosh must go next
door to anger management class... [yelling]
Worthless anger management class! I hate it so
much, I ... spit on it...% Lugosh exits.
% Cut to hallway. Bart walks up to a black man in a % gansta-type outfit.
Gansta: Yo boy, this class is tight... you go from sloper to proper...
Bart: Cool!
% Gansta opens door and Bart enters. A dowager-type woman % is standing at the front of a class with a pointer. The % blackboard reads "The Proper Young Man".
Teacher: Welcome to my etiquitte class, The Proper Young Man [points to board]...
Bart: But the black man said...
Teacher: [cutting Bart off] Are you accusing my husband of
misleading you? Good gracious, I should bust a cap in
your ass...% Cut to gymnasium with basket ball nets. Lenny and Skinner % are team captains picking their teams.
Lenny: Ummm... I'll pick Carl...
Carl: Lenny and Carl! I kinda like the sound of that...
Skinner: Hmmm, my turn, eh? Lets see...
Homer: Pick me, pick me! I got hoop dreams couch, I got 'em bad!
Skinner: Okay, Homer!
Homer: Yes! Losers! Losers, losers [making "L" sign with hand] lo... You said Homer, right?
Skinner: Um hum.
Homer: Looosers!
Lenny: Ahhh, I pick Professor Frink.
Frink: Ah, you won't regret it my good man, what with the
passing and the dribbling and my shoes made of the
flubber... [bounces] ...and away I go! It's
frightening! Ow, that was painful! Oh, the flubber
is burning my feet...% The two teams are assembled and YMCA man is addressing them % with a microphone.
YMCA Man: And now, before we begin, fitness buff Rainier
Wolfcastle would like to say a few words about the
Springfield YMCA...Wolfcastle: [looks up from push-ups] Oh, hello... [walks over
to microphone] I have purchased the Springfield
YMCA. I plan to tear it down, and turn the land
into a nature preserve, where I will hunt the
deadliest game of all... man! [ominous music] Now,
let's play ball!% Game is underway, Lenny is dribbling up the court.
Lenny: Air Lenny is taking off! [jumps, falls short and lands on Moe]
Moe: OOof!
Lenny: That's a foul... I am taking the ball and going home...
Moe: Hey, hey, that's not your ball...
% Lenny starts to exit, Wolfcastle, pulls out a rifle and cocks % it
Wolfcastle: The chase begins...
% Lenny looks back and sees Wolfcastle, yelps and runs out. % Wolfcastle follows closely.
% Cut to Carl doing a free throw.
Homer: Wooo! You da' man, Carl! I believe you can fly!
Carl: Boy, I am so sick of everyone assuming I am good at
basketball because I'm African-American. [jumps,
spinning] Hu-up... [slam-dunks, breaking glass
backboard] Go Carl, Go Carl, it's my birthday, it's
my birthday! Three-pete! You got mail, baby!% Cut to Willie dribbling up court, kilt bouncing up and down, % fully exposing him. Defense covers eyes in disgust, and % Willie sinks the ball...
Willie: Willie tickles the twine for two! Oy oy!
% Homer pulls Skinner and Moe into a huddle.
Homer: Okay guys, I've got a secret play I've been saving for
the Olympics, or possibly the final four, and it goes
something like this. [voice drops to a mumbled
whisper] *mumble* Skinner, I want you to block Carl,
Moe, you can take Professor Frink, Homer, you take
Groundskeeper Willie [turns] No way am I taking
Groundskeeper Willie [turns again] Yes you are, are
you a team player or not?% They break out of the huddle, Homer dribbles up court.
Skinner: Oh my goodness, an untied shoelace... I'll just get down on one knee and re-tie that...
% Homer, launches off Skinners back.
Homer: Eat my dust, mortals! [Homer collides with backboard
and loses the ball. His leg goes into the net, and he
falls backwards. His leg makes a loud cracking
noise.] Owww... I'm okay... [Backboard starts to
fall, and the whole thing crashes down, crushing
Homers leg.]% Cut to Springfield General Hospital.
Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you've torn out your anterior crucial ligament...
Homer: Did you say -anterior-?
Hibbert: [looks at clipboard] Yes.
Homer: Ahhh!
Hibbert: [taps bandage with pen...] Now, how did this happen?
Homer: Maybe a little morphine would refresh my memory?
[Hibbert shrugs and gives Homer an injection] Oh, heh,
I don't know, I'm still a little hazy... [Hibbert
gives him another shot]... oooh, yeah! Now I remember
it like it was yesterday...Hibbert: It happened today.
Homer: Hey man, you're harshing my buzz. Anyway, it all
started when [his voice fades, wavy lines into
flashback...]% Homer is on an outdoor court at night. He leaps up with ball % and soars into outer space, past the shuttle, and the moon.
Moon: You go Homer!
% Homer goes past Saturn and slams the ball through Jupiter's % rings, displacing Jupiter. George Jetson comes past in his % space vehicle, and collides with Homer's injured knee.
Homer: Owww... Jetson! [Waves fist, a la Mr. Spacely from the series...]
% Cut to hospital where Hibbert is shaking Homer
Hibbert: We've got to get you into surgery...
Homer: Maybe a little morphine would get me there quicker?
Hibbert: [Sighs, gives injection..]
% Cut to operating theatre, Homer is on the table, with a % nurse, a surgeon and an orderly around him. The rest of OFF % is in the observation room.
Lisa: So many times we've seen our father go under the knife...
Marge: [Holding up a card] One more, and I get a free hysterectomy.
% Next day, establishing shot of Springfield General. OFF % minus Homer is waiting in a waiting room. Hibbert pushes % Homer in on a wheelchair. Homer's leg is bandaged.
Hibbert: Now, Homer, you'll have a full recovery from your spinal cord injury...
Marge: What spinal cord injury?
Hibbert: Oh, he fell off the gurney. [Homer looks sheepish.]
But it will take plenty of time and rehab before you
can go back to work.Homer: Miss work? But my life would be nothing without the nucleon plant.
Hibbert: Oh, your also responsible for this hefty hospital
bill. You shouldn't have ordered all those hospital
haircuts and porno films.Homer: But Doctor Screwlittle sounded like a delightful
romp. Well, you don't have to worry about the bill,
we've never welched on a... look, a bear! [pointing
off screen] Run!% Homer stands and there is a horrible crunching sound, and he % falls to the ground, grasping his leg, yelping in pain. % Everyone looks at Homer. A large bear walks up and looks at % Homer too, scratching his chin.
%% END OF ACT ONE %%
%% ACT TWO %%
% Marge pushes Homer's wheelchair out of the hospital, they are % joined by Hibbert and the kids.
Hibbert: Now Homer, I want you to stay off that leg for two weeks.
Homer: Two weeks? But what am I supposed to do? Just sit on my ass and watch TV? That ain't my style man...
Hibbert: Now Homer, there are people right through that door that have it much worse than you.
Homer: [weepy] No they don't.
% Exterior shot of the Simpson house. Marge is sweeping the % stoop. Cut to Homer inside in the wheelchair staring % longingly out the bay windows.
Homer: Ahh, everyone's having fun but me...
% Shot of the street, Lenny guiding a hoop down the street with % a stick while humming. Carl is going the other direction on % a pogo-stick, saying "Boing-y boing-y...". Barney walks up % to the stoop wearing a blue ball cap.
Barney: Mrs. Simpson, can Homer come out an play? [Barney takes of his cap and wrings it in his hands.]
Marge: Homer won't be able to play for a long time...
Barney: Hmm... [turns away, then turns back] Will you make me some Jell-o?
Marge: You shoo Barney Gumble! [swings at him with broom]
% Barney scampers off.
% Cut to Homer at the window.
Homer: Ugh. [turns to Abe, Bart and Lisa in living room.] Well, I can still hang out with you guys...
Bart: Sorry, I've got a baseball game in fifteen minutes. [leaves]
Lisa: And I've got a rally for "Take Back the Afternoon". [also leaves]
Abe: Heh heh heh, so the tables have turned! Now you're
the shut-in, and I'm the hip young dude. [cracking
noise from Abe's finger] oop, there goes my wagging
finger...Homer: I'm so bored!
Abe: Oh, come on, there's lots of ways to pass the time.
Hitch up your pants, air whittle... make friends with
a Chinese man.% An man enters the room.
Craig: Um, Mr. Simpson, you weren't supposed to leave the home.
Abe: Thank you Ping-Pong!
Craig: Um, my name is Craig.
Abe: Suuure it is...
% Shot of the outside of the house, then back to Homer as he % wheels into the family room. The cat and dog are on the % couch.
Homer: This place is so boring. I've got to do something to
keep from going crazy... I know! I'll breed the
pets... to each other! [the cat and dog look nervously
at each other] Heh heh heh.% Homer grabs them and puts them in a draw string sack. They % immediately start thrashing and meowing and barking.
Homer: Soon I will have a miracle hybrid, with the loyalty of
a cat and the cleanliness of a dog. [turns on radio.
a moment passes, and Homer opens the bag and looks
in.] No! That's not how you do it! [they escape from
the bag and run out the window and doggy door.]
Quitters!% The door opens and Flanders enters with Rod and Tod.
Flanders: Hey, Homer!
Homer: Oh, it feels so good to talk to another human being! [mutters] Stupid Flanders.
Flanders: Hey Homer, I need to ask you a favour... my
babysitter canceled and I've got tickets to a
Christian rock concert. [Holds up two tickets to
"Chris Rock in Concert"] It's going to be one
wholesome evening. So, you think Marge could take
care of Rowdy Roddy and Typhoon Tod?Homer: Well, Marge isn't here. She had to identify a body at the morgue.
% Cut to morge, a man pulls a body from the lockers and % uncovers it. It is Hans Moleman.
Marge: That's not my Uncle Lou... and this man's not dead...
Hans Moleman: [sits up] That's what I've been trying to tell you!
Morgue tech: That's just gas escaping. [He slides the locker shut. Moleman cries out.]
% Cut back to living room.
Flanders: Would -you- mind watching the kids? I'm kinda in a pickle here...
Homer: Well, they would keep me company... and this pickle you're offering only sweetens the deal.
% Later, in the living room. Homer and Rod and Todd are % watching TV, surrounded by candy and junkfood.
Todd: Mr. Simpson, can we have another jelly and candy sandwich?
Homer: Sure, knock yourself out. And call me Homer.
Rod: Daddy says it's rude to call grown-ups by their first name.
Homer: Well, Daddy's not here, is he? Hehehe. [Rod and Todd laugh as well.]
% Cut to television introducting "Kids Say the Darnest Things"
Cosby: Now, my good man, what do you like to play?
Kid: Pokeman!
Cosby: Pokeman! Pokeman with the pokey and the man and
the guy comes out and [disolves into Cosby
gibberish... audience laughs]% Homer and the kids laugh
Homer: Heh, darnest things!
Flanders: So, did you boys have a good time?
Rod: Yeah, Mr. Simpson was really funny.
Todd: He told us how the world keeps screwing him over.
Homer: [laughs, embarrassed] Yeah, well... How was the concert?
Flanders: Well sir, I never heard a preacher use the M-F word so many times. Anyway, thanks again!
Homer: Hey, it was fun. My kids are sick of all my stories, but they just can't get enough of me.
Rod: Can Mr. Simpson watch us -every- day?
Flanders: Oh Rod, he's not running a day-care centre...
Homer: Don't tell me what I'm not doing.
Flanders: So you are running a day care centre?
Homer: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
Flanders: I sure would. It would give the boys a place to go after school.
Homer: Then I'll do it, just to see the look on your face. [Flanders smiles widely] That's the one...
% Exterior of Simpson House, there is a sign with balloons % attached in the front yard. It reads "Uncle Homer's Day Care % Center".
% Cut to inside: Rod, Todd, Milhouse and Ralph are playing with % toys in the living room. Other kids are running around. % Marge and Homer are standing beside a sign taped to the % wall. It reads "Uncle Homer's Day Care Center", "Marge % Simpson, Owner" appears in small print at the bottom.
Marge: Why did you put my name on the sign?
Homer: It's just a legal thing... to protect me.
Milhouse: Is your knee really gross under there?
Homer: See for yourselves! [Unwraps knee bandage, exposing large multicolour scar...]
Milhouse: Eeew!
Ralph: Can I touch it?
Homer: Sure, go for the gusto!
Ralph: Ahh... it's healing over my hand!
Homer: It knows you're afraid.
% Doorbell rings, Marge opens door. Apu is there with the % Octuplets.
Apu: Hello, I would like to take advantage of your baby prison.
Marge: We're calling it day care.
Apu: Yes, whatever, just take them.
Homer: Ah, aren't they sweet. Any medical things I should know about?
Apu: [running off] Yes, probably...
% Cut to Springfield General Hospital exterior. % Caption: "One Month Later"
Hibbert: Why Homer, your surgical incision is completely healed!
Homer: I owe it all to my rewarding work with children... and not picking at it.
Hibbert: Ah, yes, how is your day care center doing?
Homer: Wonderful! Being with those kids gives me a high only morphine can top. [suddenly desperate] You got any?
Hibbert: [laughs] Always with the morphine... [opens his jacket
to reveal a line of loaded needles. Gives one to
Homer, who sighs.]% Cut to night exterior of OFF home. Inside, Homer is playing % peek-a-boo with baby Gerrold.
Homer: Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo! [continues]
Bart: Dad's been doing that for two hours.
Lisa: I've never seen a baby get tired of it before the adult.
% Gerrold loses interest and start to crawl away. Homer % grabs him.
Homer: [annoyed] Peek-a-booo!
Rod: Uncle Homer, will you sing us that crazy song we love?
Homer: Heh, okay... [singing] Is that all there is? Is that
all there is? If that's all there is, my friend, then
let's keep dancing.% Rod and Todd laugh.
Lisa: I don't remember the last time dad sang -us- a torch song.
Bart: Yeah! Hey Homer, I thought you were only going to do this day care thing until your knee was better.
Homer: Yes, but then I discovered the joys of raising children.
Lisa: But what about us?
Homer: Don't worry honey, you'll have children of your own. Then you'll know my joy...
% Cut to Springfield Elementary school yard. Bart is eating % a sandwich at a picnic table. Milhouse joins him at the % table.
Milhouse: Hey Bart, your dad gave me this temp tattoo... it's
so cool! [Shows tattoo of Homer on a motorcycle,
with "Homer Rules" written underneath.] Vroom,
vroom...Ralph: You have the bestest dad! He read me a story about chinese food!
Bart: [annoyed] You haven't seen the real Homer... it's all burping and neglect.
Milhouse: I think we know your dad a little bit better than you do Bart.
Bart: Is that my jacket?
Milhouse: He said it looked better on me.
Bart: [sighs] Oh...
% Nighttime exterior of house. Cut to living room. Rod, Todd, % Milhouse, Ralph, Nelson and others are seated around Homer.
Homer: [singing] If your happy and you know it say a swear...
Nelson: Boobs!
Milhouse: Hiney!
Ralph: Mitten!
% All laugh. Bart and Lisa are watching from the railing.
Lisa: They're always laughing, laughing at nothing.
Bart: How come parents are always nicer to other kids than they are to their own?
Lisa: I guess dad just takes us for granted.
Bart: Well, don't worry, this will give his heart strings a much needed plucking. [Holds up present.]
% Bart places present on skateboard and sends it down the % stairs. The skateboard hits Homer's foot and he picks it % up and unwraps it. It is a family picture of the Homer % with Bart and Lisa.
Homer: Aw, what a beautiful frame! Perfect for my day care
permit. [removes photo and tosses it on the ground.]
Sweet! [He hangs it on the wall.]% Bart and Lisa come down the stairs, and look at each other, % disappointed.
%% END OF ACT TWO %%
%% ACT THREE %%
% Backyard: Homer is perched in the door of the treehouse, % and the tree is bent way over to the side. When the tree % bends all the way down, Homer jumps out and the tree snaps % back up, rocking the kids inside back and forth.
Homer: ...three, two, one... blast-off!
Milhouse: That was -tree-mendous! Hmmm... where's Ralph?
% Ralph is shown hanging from the Flander's weather vane % by his shirt.
Ralph: I almost died!
% Homer is watching all the kids climbing down from the % tree house. Marge comes over with a man.
Marge: Homer, this man is from the Good Guy Awards!
Man: We honour people who make life better for the community, like you, with your day care center.
Marge: I contributed by not objecting too much.
Homer: Ahh, that's my girl!
Man: Anyway, this film crew will shoot some behind the scenes footage of your amazing work.
Homer: Is there a snack table?
Man: It's already set up. [points to snack table.]
Homer: Heehehehee... [starts gorging. A cameraman comes to film him.] Don't film this! [waving fist at camera]
% Nighttime, Lisa walks down upstairs hall to her room. % Cables are everywhere and there is a "Keep Out" sign on % her door. She knocks.
Producer: Ah, excuse me, this is a hot set, no visitors.
Lisa: It's my room.
Producer: Well, if you want you can sit on this. [gives Lisa a box.]
% Lisa mumbles and sits on the box. Across the hallway, % Bart is trying to sleep on the floor in front of his room.
Bart: Teamsters are sleeping in my room. [points to sign]
% Sign on Barts door reads "QUIET Teamsters need their SLEEP", % and shows a large man in a nightcap sleeping on a pile of % boxes. There is money in his hand and coming out of his % pocket.
Teamster's voice: We're just restin' our eyes.
% Homer and interviewer come down the hall.
Homer: ...cause the thing is, there are no bad kids...
% Homer steps on Bart's arm.
Bart: Ow, you stepped on my arm!
Homer: Sorry, daddy thought you were a pile of cables.
% Outside, daytime. The man from The Good Guy Awards is % interviewing Homer.
Man: Tell me about the Homer cares program.
Homer: My kids wear these hearts to remind them they are always loved.
Man: Awww... did you make them yourself?
Homer: Yes, through the magic of caring.
% Cut to garage, where Bart and Lisa are cutting out the % felt hearts.
Lisa: Night will come soon.
Bart: There's got to be a way to get back at dad.
Lisa: Well... I've been cutting the felt kinda crooked...
Bart: No, we've got to show the world what Homer's really like. Then everything will be back to normal.
Lisa: [both laughing menacingly] Back to normal...
% Exterior of a large auditorium. Sign in front reads % "The Good Guy Awards", underneath: "pointless" - N.Y.Times.
% Inside, there is a large pinkish curtain with a smiley face % with a halo. The curtains open and Krusty steps through.
Krusty: [singing] I'm a nice guy, I'm a hell of a guy, and
tonight we honour you... [waving arms] Stop the music!
Stop it! One more line and we have to pay for the
song. Now, is anyone here from Springfield?Kirk Van Houten: [annoyed] You know we are.
Krusty: Ugh, tough crowd. [laughs nervously] So, what's in
the news? Oh, right! The bus distaster. Very sad.
Now, our first award is for biggest people pleaser.
You can walk all over these doormats [laughs]. And
the nominees are: Ned Flanders, Principal Seymour
Skinner and Mother Theresa Jr.% The three are shown, Skinner is shown as a picture with % "Having Minor Surgery" under him.
Krusty: And the winner is: Principal Skinner!
% Flanders storms off, Mother Theresa Jr, breaks her rosary % in anger.
Krusty: [laughs] Now, I'm told there's a glitch in our
internet web cast. So all of you out there type
control-backslash-semicolon-alt-dot-escape and you'll
be fine.% Cut to CBG in front of an iMac, typing.
CGB: Ahh! Perfect!
% Screen shows a little animated picture of Krusty saying % "Hey-hey!" over and over with an accompanying MIDI.
% Auditorium: A woman walks on with a black and white coin.
Krusty: We'd like to thank our sponsor, Hansen's Hypno Coins. If you can find a sturdier Hypno Coin, you buy it.
% She walks back off.
Krusty: Now, every year we find one good samaritan so
deserving that not recognizing him would make Santa
Claus himself vomit with rage... [to himself] mmm...
who writes this stuff?% Mr Teeny is shown offstage with a typewriter and an % ashtray. He gets angry and tears up the paper he was % working on, grabbing his cigarette.
Mr Teeny: (Subtitle) I think it's remarkable I wrote anything.
Krusty: This year's winner of the Saint Who Walks Among Us award goes to...
Homer: [praying] Please let me win this Lord... [waving fist in air] 'cause if you don't...
Krusty: Homer Simpson!
Homer: Yes! All my love has come back in trophy form!
Krusty: Now let's take a look at Homer's wonderful work.
% Screen lowers.
Narrator: It looks like any other home in America, but this is the house that love built.
% All the kids are shown playing tug-a-war. The other end % is attached to the car, which Homer is driving. Homer % guns the engine and the kids let go. The car shoots % backwards into a lamppost and catches fire. Homer laughs.
Narrator: His scabby red knee became an infectious beacon of
hope [audience "Awws"] I guess you could sum up
Homer in two words...Bart: Big phony! [audience gasps] This is the real Homer, a beer drinking meany... [point to screen]
% Homer is shown passed out drunk in his underwear beside % the Christmas tree. Homer is mumbling as the dog sniffs % at him. Beer cans are scattered around him.
Bart: ...and he gambles like crazy...
% Homer is show at the kitchen table with Lenny, Moe and % Carl, playing cards. He places Maggie and a pile of chips % in the center of the table.
Homer: [in video] I'll call.
Moe: Three nines.
Homer: [in video] Oh, I almost had a straight.
Moe: Come to new pappa!
% Audience gasps.
Homer: [in audience] Hey, what's the deal?
Lisa: We just spliced in some home movies... what do you think?
Homer: Well, I'd rather reserve judgement until I... oh my god!
% Video shows Homer chasing bart down the street with a mace.
Homer: [on video] I'll mace you good!
Bart: [on video] Ahhh!
% Audience gasps.
Homer: [in audience] That is completely taken out of
context! [climbs on stage] Why you little... [starts
strangling Bart]Sideshow Mel: Our children aren't safe with that monster!
Kirk Van Houten: Yeah, keep away from him Milhouse!
Wiggum: You too Ralphy, you're out of that day care center.
Apu: Oh, my polite indignation knows no bounds! [Apu starts placing the octuplets in to a bag.]
Homer: [drops Bart] No, no! No one is taking my kids from
me! [Homer corales children out of auditorium.] Run
children, run!Cleatus: Come back here with my young-uns!
Krusty: [Watching, turns to audience, pauses.] The term
"soccer mom" is thrown around all too often these
days... but the nominees in our next category...% Cut to Homer outside helping the kids into a box-truck.
Ralph: Where are we going?
Homer: [insanely] Um, for frosty chocolate milkshakes! Frosty chocolate milkshakes! [laughs]
% pan to Kent Brockman, with a microphone.
Kent: An award ceremony errupted in kidnapping tonight as
alledged "good guy" Homer Simpson abscounded with
several children in a stolen paddy-wagon. Now let's
go to Arnie Pie in the sky...% Arial shot of slow chase.
Arnie: I can see them right below me... I'm going to try to nail the driver with one of my shoes.
Kent: Arnie, please, leave this to the police.
Arnie: I'm sick of being the reporter, I want to make the news!
Kent: Arnie, this is not the time...
Arnie: You're not the time, Kent, you're not the time...
% Shot of Homer and Ralph in the front of the paddy wagon.
Ralph: Where are we going Mr. Simpson?
Homer: I'll tell you where we -not- going... jail!
Milhouse: Then you'd better turn... [points to jail, dead ahead]
Homer: Uh oh!
% Homer yelps and swerves to the side, hitting a tree. He % gets out and starts running for a fence.
Arnie: He's jumping out of the car, Kent, he's trying to
climb over the fence... now he's realizing he's too
fat... he's digging a hole like a dog... now he's
given up on that and he's running back and forth...
he's climbing into the pipe and he seems to be
stuck... his legs are dangling in a comical fashion,
oh, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen...Kent: Arnie, Arnie, how are the children?
Arnie: [annoyed] I can't see through -metal- Kent...
% The police surround him and pull guns.
Wiggum: Alright fatty, out of the pipe.
% Cut to exterior of Simpson Home.
Subtitle: THREE MISTRIALS LATER
% Homer and the kids in living room.
Homer: Why did you rat me out kids? Was is because I
showered love on those other children while ignoring
you?Bart: Yep.
Lisa: Pretty much...
Homer: Well, I learned my lesson. [taking framed licence off
wall, removing licence.] From now on, you kids are the
only kids I'll care about. [Puts original photo back
in.] Oh, and Maggie. Now, let's all enjoy the snack
table while we still have it...Marge: The teamsters said they'd pick it up by five.
Homer: Yeah, that'll happen...
% OFF laughs.
Homer: Heh heh heh, teamsters...
%% END OF ACT THREE %%