The Simpsons are, .... regressing. They're going backwards, and my, ... I, ... I'm sorry to say this, ... I don't think it was that good from the get-go. I think that what we've had here is a little social concern in FOX TV. The media has been very desirous that a white family do well on a TV show. They get a lot of credit for the performance of FOX TV that they really don't deserve.
See? You just take Rush Limbaugh's words from Sunday on ESPN, change them a little bit, and you have a joke! Right? (nervous laugh)
"Aaron Hirshberg" wrote in message news:[email]...
The humor-impaired are going to flame you six ways from Sunday (but you already knew that.) I'll expect your resignation from ESPN on my desk by Wednesday night.
The capsule for "Children of a Lesser Clod" is now available at The Simpsons Archive, at "http://www.snpp.com/episodes.html". You may access it by following the link for episode CABF16.
We plan to have "Simpsons Tall Tales (CABF17)" up next, on October 29. (This is subject to change due to schedule and resource demands, however.)
For your convenience, a copy the CABF16 capsule follows immediately. Enjoy!
Children of a Lesser Clod Written by Al Jean
Directed by Mike Polcino
==============================================================================
Production code: CABF16 Original Airdate on FOX: 13-May-2001
Capsule revision A (12-Oct-03)
==============================================================================
[If you use these summaries to determine if you found the right capsule,
here's a TV Guide-like synopsis: When Homer injures his knee playing
basketball, he starts a day-care center to relieve the boredom of
recuperation. The center is a big success with everyone except Bart and
Lisa, who learn first-hand the meaning of an old expression: "The
cobbler's children are the last to have shoes" -- Ed.]
==============================================================================
Blackboard: TODAY IS NOT MOTHRA'S DAY
TODAY IS NOT MOTH at cutoff
Couch: The Simpsons are now a family of crash-test dummies. They
find their place on the couch, which is thrust forward into
the television. The couch is then reeled slowly back to its
original position. Homer's neck is apparently weakened by the
trauma, and his head rolls off his shoulders. [Recycled from
BABF04]
Don Del Grande:
... Burns and Grampa were playing basketball with peach baskets, which was
invented in Springfield (Massachusetts, that is)? (But if they wanted
to be truly authentic, they would have used a volleyball) [See
"Comments" section for more -- Ed.]
... Lenny, Carl, Comic Book Guy, and Professor Frink are over 35?
... apparently Rod and Todd are allowed to eat sugar now?
... the smiley face in the award-show logo has a crooked smile?
Darrel Jones:
... Bill Cosby doesn't appear to know what Pokemon is?
... Comic Book Guy has a Xena poster in his room?
Joe Klemm:
... Grandpa is supposedly over 85?
... Homer's case for "kidnapping" the day care kids ends up with three
mistrials?
Mike Reed:
... Ron Howard never made his appearance in this episode, as every spoiler
indicated he would? [In fact, there were no special guest voices at
all for this episode -- Ed.]
... this is Arnie Pie's first dialogue in a while, and his longest ever?
Benjamin Robinson:
... CBG is wearing a Muttley T-shirt?
... Flanders has two tickets to the Chris Rock concert? Was Rachel going
with him?
... Maggie and the unibrow baby are not seen together? I guess they still
don't get along ...
... Homer actually applied for and got official certification for his
center?
Vince Yim:
... Lenny dribbles the ball with his right hand and attempts to dunk with
his left?
... CBG is seen only in the background during the basketball game?
... Homer isn't wearing a safety belt when driving the paddy wagon (and
would suffer severe injuries when he hit the tree)?
==============================================================================
+ "Children of a Lesser God" (movie)
- episode title a spoof
+ Mother's Day {bjr}
+ Mothra (movie monster) {vy}
- Bart's blackboard gag parodies both of these in one swoop
+ Bela Karoli [sic?] (gymnastics coach) {vy}
- girls' gymnastics coach at the Y modeled after his personality and
looks
- "Family Matters" {dj}
- Frink wears his basketball shorts above his waist, like Steve Urkel
does with his shorts on this show
+ "The Absent Minded Professor" (movie) {vy}
- Professor Frink uses "Flubber", an elastic substance that allows the
user to jump much higher than normal
+ "The Most Dangerous Game" by Richard Connell (short story) {jg2}
- Rainier Wolfcastle wants to replace the Springfield YMCA with "a
nature preserve, where I hunt the deadliest prey of all ... man!"
+ Michael Jordan (basketball virtuoso) {bjr}
- Lenny apes his style -- down to sticking his tongue out -- when going
for the dunk
- he also says he's "Air Lenny" (cf. "Air Jordan")
- "Space Jam" (movie) {vy}
- "I believe I can fly"
~ "You've Got Mail" (AOL default "new mail" indicator) {vy}
- spoken by Carl after dunking the ball
+ "The Jetsons" (TV series)
- during Homer's daydream, George Jetson bumps into his leg
- Homer yells "Jetson!" at him, like Spacely {dj}
+ "Dr. Dolittle" (movie) {jg2}
- "Dr. Screwlittle" is one of the porn movies Homer watched
- "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" (movie) {vy}
- Hans Moleman at the coroner mirrors the opening scene where the guy is
being put onto the cart during the "I'm not dead yet!" scene
+ Rowdy Roddy Piper (wrestler) {jg2}
- Ned calls Rod "Rowdy Roddy"
+ "Kids Say The Darnedest Things" (TV series) {jg2}
- Homer, Rod and Todd watch this ["Art Linkletter did it first," writes
Alan Hamilton -- Ed.]
- "The Matrix" (movie) {vy}
- Ralph getting stuck on Homer's scab vaguely resembles the scene where
Neo touches the mirror and mercury crawls up his arm
~ Akira (anime movie) {ts}
- the scene where Ralph touches Homer's wound and it starts healing
(over his hand) is similar to a scene in the movie where the character
Tetsuo's powers go wildly out of control, he mutates and absorbs his
girlfriend
============================================================================== - [MG23], [MG47], [7G02], [7F08] Frosty chocolate milkshakes {ddg} - [9F09], [AABF04] (Homer in surgery) {ddg} - [2F05] Springfield YMCA seen {bjr} - [2F20] Homer is chased by the police {jg2} - [3F18] Homer (cf. Milhouse) brandishes a mace {jg2} - [4F13] Ned asks Homer to take care of Rod and Todd {jg2} - [4F22], [AABF15] The rich socialite woman appears {bjr} - [AABF13] Lisa can't go in her room {dj} - [BABF01] CBG is a Xena fan {jg2} - [CABF14] Mr. Teeny subtitled {bjr}
R 2 G
O 6 A E
W D N 0
CHRIS ROCK V . 0
IN A 5
CONCERT N A 4
C D 0
E M 1
5 I
0 N
The vertically-running writing should actually be rotated ninety
degrees to the left. Also, on Flanders' second ticket, the words
"SEAT FLO" can be seen in the spot above where the "50" is on
the first ticket. The two ticket number might also be different,
but I had a hard time deciphering them.
Bill Cosby's show {bjr}
KIDS SAY
THE
DARNDEST
THINGS
Homer's day-care sign {bjr}
[balloons] UNCLE [balloons]
HOMER'S
DAY CARE
CENTER
MARGE SIMPSON, OWNER
"UNCLE HOMER'S ..." is in color, the "MARGE SIMPSON ..." part
is in smaller black lettering.
Milhouse's tattoo {bjr}
[Homer on vintage cruiser]
HOMER RULES
Teamsters' "quiet" sign {bjr}
QUIET
TEAMSTERS [man sleeping on]
NEED THEIR [ pile of boxes ]
SLEEP
==============================================================================
+ Burns can throw a basketball? I thought he was feebler than that. {mm}
= When they are playing basketball at the YMCA, first we see Carl smash one
backboard, then we see Skinner's team start running from one whole
backboard to the other side of the court where homer smashes into another
whole backboard. {zh}
c Audio: (Moon) You go, Homer! Captioning: Crater-ific! {gs}
* ACL injuries actually take much longer than a month to heal. Double for a
person who isn't athletic. ACL injuries patients should expect extensive
physiotherapy to ensure proper healing. But then, what do you expect from
a doctor that dispenses syringes full of morphine like lollipops? {vy}
c Audio: (Bart) *moans* Captioning: We'll see about that. {gs}
= Right after Milhouse says Bart's jacket looks better on him, there's a one-
frame flash where they didn't colour the scene in (it looks like a pencil
test). {vy}
After travelling to the bottom of the stairs, Bart's skateboard would have had to make a sharp right turn to bump into Homer's foot. {bjr}
= When Homer is kidnapping the kids, he puts Ralph in the back of the van,
but in the next scene Ralph is sitting next to Homer even though there are
bars separating the back and the front of the van. {zh}
c Audio: (Homer) These are the only two kids I'll care about. Oh, and Maggie. Captioning: There are the only kids I'll care about. {gs}
==============================================================================
Don Del Grande: While it was mostly just another episode, there was the
occasional good moment in the YMCA scenes, and the chase scene had a few
bits of "original" material, although the ending with the Teamsters joke
felt a little abrupt (I was expecting some Teamsters retaliation, even if
it was in the Gracie Films logo). (B+)
Joe Green: On one hand, this show's plot was a typically formulaic
"Homerfest", and I thought Bart and more importantly Lisa were portrayed as
uncharacteristically petty and ruthless. On the other hand, there were
enough good jokes that it'll probably hold up to repeated viewings. (C+)
Tony Hill: What the hell was that? It would probably be too much to ask that
the episodes have structured plots along the lines of "Duffless," but could
they at least stick with one plot from beginning to end? It seems like the
writers have replaced the satire that made the show great with one-liners.
The whole first act sagged. There was barely enough comedy here for a (D)
Darrel Jones: Par for the course for Season Twelve, which is to say, pretty
darn good. No classic, sure, but several good laughs. Ralph and Hans were
a hoot, as usual, as was Homer's bit about learning the joys of child-care.
A little disappointed the Pokemon joke had nothing to do with the
game/show, but still, I give it 8/10 (B+)
Jake Lennington: This is a rather bland episode. Mostly mediocre, with a few
funny moments here and there, most noticeably when Hans is mistaken for
dead and Krusty's nonchalantly changing subjects when Homer is found out.
(C)
Michael Nusair: It's hard to write a review of an episode like this, because
it's just so mind-numbingly mediocre. It wasn't the worst episode ever,
but it certainly wasn't the best, either. There were a few chuckle-worthy
jokes, but they were more than outweighed by jokes that fell flat, or ones
that just plain sucked. The Bill Cosby part was pretty funny, but at the
same time it's been done before -- better. I said it last week, and I'll
say it again: Meh. (C)
Mike Reed: I have no idea where to begin here. A weak 1st act, followed by a
solid 2nd and an okay 3rd one. The YMCA bit was forced, and almost all of
the jokes failed, except for Homer's morphine-induced recollection. 2nd
act was done pretty well, except for that touch-Homer's-scab joke.
(Obviously Swartzwelder written.) 3rd act -- if Homer hadn't kidnapped the
kids, we'd have had more time to wrap up the Bart & Lisa/Homer conflict,
which was all but left open in the flimsy and forced ending. (C)
Yours Truly: I was expecting another "Homer's money-making scheme" episode,
but was pleasantly surprised that Al Jean found a novel approach to this
story. It was interesting, for example, that Homer got along so well with
the children in his care. However, show stumbles with Bart and Lisa's
revenge plan; it unfolds too abruptly to build suspense. Some of the
humor, like Carl's strutting, is heavy-handed, but other jokes are right on
target. I loved Arnie Pie's argument with Kent in the third act. On the
whole, this was a better show than I expected. (B-)
AVERAGE GRADE: C+ (2.40) Std Dev.: 0.7087 (9 reviews computed)
Joe Klemm: The working title for this episode was "The Kids Stay in the
Picture." My best guest for the title change was that Ron Howard, who was
to make his third guest appearance in this episode by asking Homer and the
kids to appear in a picture he's making, passed on this offer.
Darrel Jones: "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye (1973) plays on the radio while the cat and dog are "mating."
Benjamin Robinson: Homer sings "Is That All There Is?", which lyrically is a
dark, depressing song. If I remember right the song's "character" is
seriously contemplating suicide by the end.
Benjamin Robinson: I don't know if this holiday has jumped to other
countries, but in the United States, Mother's Day is designated as a day on
which to honor dear old Mom by visiting her (or calling her, if you can't
make it in), sending her cards and presents, and so on. Many people,
including the man who founded it, think it has been co-opted by the
greeting card people to sell those cards and presents. There's a
discussion of this in the capsule for "Trash of the Titans (5F09)" so I'll
just hand you off to that.
Mother's Day this year fell on the Sunday this episode premiered, so Bart's
punishment was quite appropriate.
Mothra, on the other hand, was a campy Japanese science fiction monster. I
think he was, as the name implies, a giant moth. One comedian suggested
you could get rid of him by building a giant light bulb ...
Joe Klemm explains CBG's fashion statement: Muttley is a cartoon dog that
appears in Hanna-Barbera cartoons. The sidekick of bad guy Dick Dastardly,
Muttley first appeared in the late 1960's cartoon Wacky Races. Later, he
and Dick got their own show (which features them trying to stop a messenger
pigeon and Muttley's fantasies). In the recent past, Dick Dastardly and
Muttley were usually the main villains in 1980's and 1990's cartoons that
featured Hanna-Barbera characters from the 1950's and 1960's.
Darrel Jones gives us this history: Basketball was first played in 1891 at a
Massachusetts school. PE teacher James A. Naismith wanted to find a way to
keep his students in shape during the cold winter months without going
outdoors. Eventually, he got the idea of having them toss a ball into a
peach basket suspended at a height from the wall. (That's right, the
baskets originally were "baskets.") After awhile, the baskets were cut open
at the bottom, so that nobody would have to retrieve the ball after each
goal was scored.
Joe Green notes this coincidence: By the way, [basketball] was invented at a YMCA in *Springfield*, Massachusetts.
Scott Weaver: For those who don't know, although I am sure most everyone has
heard of the final four, unless they happened to be living in a cave. But
I digress. The final four is the round of the NCAA tournament which
determines the two teams who will be reaching the national championship
game. It is pretty much the biggest deal in college sports, next to maybe
a couple of bowl games.
[You might think, especially if you live in North America, that this was
too obvious to include. Yet, wondering about the meaning of "Final Four"
sparked a thread in alt.tv.simpsons -- Ed.]
While were on the subject Final Four strategy, Don Del Grande writes: Homer's
secret play (having someone jump on someone else's back) is not only quite
well-known, it's a technical foul (at least in the NCAA, according to rule
10-5-4, so forget about using it in the Final Four).
Someone known only as "JxT" notices something interesting: In tonight's
episode one of the kids that Homer was "taking care of" was Uter. Uter had
been missing for so long that I thought he was doomed for sure. And there
was that previous Simpsons episode where Uter's parents and Principal
Skinner are at dinner and the parents ask "Where is Uter?". No answer to
that but unless he has a younger identical brother he is back. And it
looks like he wasn't starving while he was away.
Mike Torley answers: In the episode, "The PTA Disbands", Skinner took a bunch
of the kids on a field trip to Diz-Nee Historical Park, but couldn't afford
the admission fee, so they all tried to peek over the wall surrounding the
Park's Civil War re-enactment field. When they were discovered "learning
for free", the re-enactors became enraged and chased after them ("Let's get
'em! Use your fake muskets as clubs!"). Everybody piled onto the bus and
it sped off, re-enactors in pursuit. Uter was the only student who
couldn't run fast enough to catch up with the bus, though, so our last view
out the bus's emergency exit was of Uter collapsing in the street and being
set-upon by the angry mob of fake-musket-wielding re-enactors.
That episode aired SIX YEARS ago, so I was surprised too when Uter just
showed up out of the blue last night. Maybe this was a screw-up -- perhaps
the writers just forgot that they "killed" Uter in 1995. ;)
Alex Flandonwittsy: Uter was killed in 1995? I don't know about that. It
wouldn't explain why he showed up in a substantial number of later
episodes, such as "Much Apu About Nothing" and "Bart Star". In fact, the
"Uter is missing" topic wasn't brought up again until the season eleven
episode "Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?", and even then it may not
have been referencing the specific mob scene in "The PTA Disbands". Take
care. Good-day.
Benjamin Robinson: The Teamsters are best known as the union representing
truckers. In Hollywood, they represent the people who haul equipment to
the set, and schlep it on and off the trucks. The Teamsters have a
reputation, deserved or not I can't say, of being lazy, which explains the
"Quiet!" sign on Bart's door and the closing joke about the snack table.
Vince Yim (as "aspiring Production assistant") adds: Teamsters are also
supposedly responsible for security and craft services as well. This is
largely dependent on where you live, though. Some film unions such as ACFC
(Association of Canadian Film Craftspeople) do handle security and craft
services (as does IATSE - International Association of Theatre and Stage
Employees).
But you're correct. They largely do haul most equipment to set, although
sometimes the drivers of the truck belong to whatever department handles
the equipment (i.e.: someone from the camera dept. drives the camera
truck). Also they are responsible for shuttling cast and crew from circus
(area where the trailers and crew park are stashed) to set.
To some extent, the reputation is deserved. I've had grips refer to
Teamsters with less than reverent tones. When I was setting up the crew
bathrooms with trash cans and paper towels, I was also told to equip the
bathrooms with aerosol air fresheners. The location manager referred to it
as "de-Teamster-izer", affectionately referring to how the Teamster guys
mark the area with their scent.
Mike Reed transcribes:
Voice-Over: Parents beware ... when Homer Simpson starts a daycare center!
(Shot of Homer chasing Bart with a mace; all the kids hugging Homer, and
Homer jumping off the treehouse and sending the kids flying)
Voice-Over: An all-new Simpsons on Fox!
The Jake Lennington alterna-title for this show is: Pulp Children
==============================================================================
% Group sitting in gymnasium with "OPEN HOUSE" banner above
% them. A YMCA rep is standing in front of them.
YMCA Man: Welcome to the Springfield YMCA! Tonight you can
sample all of our classes for free, and if you find
one you like, you can pay our membership fee and
enroll ... [crowd laughs, YMCA Man laughs too] ... I
know, we'll never see any of you again.
% Cut to the Over 85 Basketball League. Abe and Burns are % playing basketball. Burns does a free throw in to a peach % basket, and the score is now 3 to 1. "A high-scoring affair," % says Burns, although his enthusiasm is dampened when Abe makes % him fetch the ball out of the peach basket. % % Meanwhile, at gymnastics class, Lisa, the twins, and others are % seated on a blue mat. A mustached man in maroon work-out outfits % paces in front of them.
Lugosh: Welcome to gymnastics, I am coach Lugosh. I come to this
country in 1983 by cart-wheeling over Berlin Wall ...
[class giggles, Lugosh angers] ... no giggling! It
weakens the haunches! [squatting by Lisa, voice
sweetens] Ah, what a little angel! How old are you?
Lisa: Eight.
Lugosh: [angry again] Eight! Too old! Go home, grandma!
[calming] I am sorry, little girl, Lugosh must go next
door to anger management class ... [yelling] Worthless
anger management class! I hate it so much, I ... spit on
it ... [exits]
-- But you're having such good luck with it, "Children of a Lesser
Clod"
% Cut to hallway. Bart walks up to a black man in a % gangsta-type outfit.
Gangsta: Yo boy, this class is tight. You go from slopper to
proper.
Bart: Cool!
[the Gangsta opens door and Bart enters. The
socialite woman is standing at the front of a class
with a pointer]
Socialite: Welcome to my etiquette class, The Proper Young Man.
[points to board, which has the class title written
on it]
Bart: But the black man said ...
Socialite: [cutting Bart off] Are you accusing my husband of
misleading you? Good gracious, I should bust a cap
in your ass.
-- Now that wouldn't be proper, "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Cut to gymnasium with basket ball nets. Lenny and Skinner % are team captains picking their teams. Lenny picks Carl. % Skinner chooses Homer, who taunts the remaining team candidates. % Lenny picks Professor Frink, who boasts about his shows made % of flubber. Unfortunately, the wonder material backfires on % him, and Frink soon literally bounces off the walls. % % The two teams are assembled and YMCA man is addressing them % with a microphone.
YMCA Man: And now, before we begin, fitness buff Rainier
Wolfcastle would like to say a few words about the
Springfield YMCA.
Wolfcastle: [looks up from push-ups] Oh, hello ... [walks over
to microphone] I have purchased the Springfield
YMCA. I plan to tear it down, and turn the land
into a nature preserve, where I will hunt the
deadliest game of all ... man! [ominous music] Now,
let's play ball!
-- "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Game is underway, and Lenny is dribbling up the court.
Lenny: Air Lenny is taking off! [jumps, falls short, and
lands on Moe]
Moe: OOof!
Lenny: That's a foul ... I am taking the ball and going
home.
Moe: Hey, hey, that's not your ball.
[Lenny starts to exit, Wolfcastle, pulls out a rifle
and cocks it]
Wolfcastle: The chase begins.
[Lenny looks back and sees Wolfcastle, yelps and
runs out. Wolfcastle follows closely]
-- Is he in season, "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Cut to Carl doing a free throw.
Homer: Wooo! You da' man, Carl! I believe you can fly!
Carl: Boy, I am so sick of everyone assuming I am good at
basketball because I'm African-American. [jumps,
spinning] Hu-up ... [slam-dunks, breaking glass backboard]
Go Carl, Go Carl, it's my birthday, it's my birthday!
Three-pete! You got mail, baby!
-- Smashing the stereotype, "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Willie dribbles up court, kilt bouncing up and down, % fully exposing him. Defense covers eyes in disgust, and % Willie sinks the ball. % % Homer pulls Skinner and Moe into a huddle.
Homer: Okay guys, I've got a secret play I've been saving
for the Olympics, or possibly the Final Four, and it
goes something like this. [voice drops to a mumbled
whisper] *mumble* Skinner, I want you to block Carl,
Moe, you can take Professor Frink, Homer, you take
Groundskeeper Willie [turns] No way am I taking
Groundskeeper Willie [turns again] Yes you are, are
you a team player or not?
[they break out of the huddle, Homer dribbles up
court]
Skinner: Oh my goodness, an untied shoelace ... I'll just get
down on one knee and re-tie that. [bends over to
tie shoe]
[Homer, launches off Skinners back]
Homer: Eat my dust, mortals! [Homer collides with
backboard and loses the ball. His leg goes into the
net, and he falls backwards. His leg makes a loud
cracking noise] Owww ... I'm okay ... [Backboard
starts to fall, and the whole thing crashes down,
crushing Homer's leg]
-- "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Cut to Springfield General Hospital.
Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you've torn out your anterior
crucial ligament.
Homer: Did you say -anterior-?
Hibbert: [looks at clipboard] Yes.
Homer: Ahhh!
Hibbert: [taps bandage with pen] Now, how did this happen?
Homer: Maybe a little morphine would refresh my memory?
[Hibbert shrugs and gives Homer an injection] Oh,
heh, I don't know, I'm still a little hazy ...
[Hibbert gives him another shot] ... oooh, yeah!
Now I remember it like it was yesterday ...
Hibbert: It happened today.
Homer: Hey man, you're harshing my buzz.
-- "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Homer tells Hibbert what happened, and as he does so, his voice % fades and the scene segues into flashback. % % Homer is on an outdoor court at night. He leaps up with ball % and soars into outer space, past the shuttle, and the moon, which % says, "You go Homer!" % % Homer goes past Saturn and slams the ball through Jupiter's % rings, displacing Jupiter. George Jetson comes past in his % space vehicle, and collides with Homer's injured knee. % "Jetson," Homer shouts, waving a fist, a la Mr. Spacely from % the series. % % Back to the present ...
Hibbert: We've got to get you into surgery. Homer: Maybe a little morphine would get me there quicker. Hibbert: [sighs, gives injection] -- "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Cut to operating theatre, Homer is on the table, with a % nurse, a surgeon and an orderly around him. The rest of OFF % is in the observation room.
Lisa: So many times we've seen our father go under the knife. Marge: [holding up a card] One more, and I get a free hysterectomy. -- "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Next day, OFF (minus Homer) is waiting in a waiting room. % Hibbert pushes Homer in on a wheelchair. Homer's leg is % bandaged.
Hibbert: Now, Homer, you'll have a full recovery from your
spinal cord injury.
Marge: What spinal cord injury?
Hibbert: Oh, he fell off the gurney. [Homer looks sheepish]
But it will take plenty of time and rehab before you
can go back to work.
Homer: Miss work? But my life would be nothing without the
nucleon plant.
Hibbert: Oh, you're also responsible for this hefty hospital
bill. You shouldn't have ordered all those hospital
haircuts and porno films.
Homer: But "Doctor Screwlittle" sounded like a delightful
romp. Well, you don't have to worry about the bill,
we've never welched on a ... look, a bear!
[pointing off screen] Run!
-- "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Homer stands and there is a horrible crunching sound, and he % falls to the ground, grasping his leg, yelping in pain. % Everyone looks at Homer. A large bear walks up and looks at % Homer too, scratching his chin. % % [End of Act One. Time: 5:47] % % Marge pushes Homer's wheelchair out of the hospital, they are % joined by Hibbert and the kids. The doctor wants Homer to stay % off his bad leg for two weeks. Surprisingly, Homer isn't up for % two weeks of sitting around and watching television. % % Exterior shot of the Simpson house. Marge is sweeping the % stoop. Cut to Homer inside in the wheelchair staring % longingly out the bay windows. Moping, he says, "Everyone's % having fun but me." It might sound like self-pity, but Homer % may be on to something. Through the living-room window, % Homer can see Lenny guiding a hoop down the street with % a stick while humming. Carl is going the other direction on % a pogo-stick, saying "Boing-y boing-y ...". Barney walks up % to the stoop wearing a blue ball cap. He asks if Homer can % come out to play, which of course he cannot. Barney asks % Marge if she can make him some Jell-O, but she shoos him % away with a broom.
Homer: Ugh. [turns to Abe, Bart and Lisa in living room] Well,
I can still hang out with you guys.
Bart: Sorry, I've got a baseball game in fifteen minutes.
[leaves]
Lisa: And I've got a rally for "Take Back the Afternoon". [also
leaves]
Abe: Heh, heh, heh, so the tables have turned! Now you're the
shut-in, and I'm the hip young dude. [cracking noise from
Abe's finger] Oop, there goes my wagging finger.
Homer: I'm so bored!
Abe: Oh, come on, there's lots of ways to pass the time. Hitch
up your pants, air whittle, make friends with a Chinese
man.
[an Asian man enters the room]
Craig: Um, Mr. Simpson, you weren't supposed to leave the home.
Abe: Thank you Ping-Pong!
Craig: Um, my name is Craig.
Abe: Suuure it is.
-- "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Shot of the outside of the house, then back to Homer as he % wheels into the family room. The cat and dog are on the % couch, and this gives Homer an idea to relieve his boredom. % He'll breed the two family pets to create a "a miracle hybrid, % with the loyalty of a cat and the cleanliness of a dog. He % dumps them both in a burlap sack and closes it. Neither % Santa's Little Helper nor Snowball II cotton to Homer's plan % and at their first opportunity, they escape from the bag and % run out the window and doggy door. % % The door opens and Flanders enters with Rod and Todd.
Flanders: Hey, Homer!
Homer: Oh, it feels so good to talk to another human being!
[mutters] Stupid Flanders.
Flanders: Hey Homer, I need to ask you a favour. My
babysitter canceled and I've got tickets to a
Christian rock concert. [holds up two tickets to
"Chris Rock in Concert"] It's going to be one
wholesome evening. So, you think Marge could take
care of Rowdy Roddy and Typhoon Todd?
Homer: Well, Marge isn't here. She had to identify a body
at the morgue.
[cut to morgue, where a man pulls a body from the
lockers and uncovers it. It is Hans Moleman]
Marge: That's not my Uncle Lou ... and this man's not dead.
Moleman: [sits up] That's what I've been trying to tell you!
Morgue Tech: That's just gas escaping. [he slides the locker
shut. Moleman cries out]
[cut back to living room]
Flanders: Would -you- mind watching the kids? I'm kinda in a
pickle here.
Homer: Well, they would keep me company ... and this pickle
you're offering only sweetens the deal.
-- Will watch children for food, "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Later, in the living room. Homer and Rod and Todd are % watching TV, surrounded by candy and junk food.
Todd: Mr. Simpson, can we have another jelly and candy sandwich?
Homer: Sure, knock yourself out. And call me Homer.
Rod: Daddy says it's rude to call grown-ups by their first
name.
Homer: Well, Daddy's not here, is he? Hehehe. [Rod and Todd
laugh as well]
[cut to television introducing "Kids Say the Darnedest
Things"]
Cosby: Now, my good man, what do you like to play?
Kid: Pokemon!
Cosby: Pokeman! Pokeman with the pokey and the man and the guy
comes out and [dissolves into Cosby gibberish ... audience
laughs. Homer and the kids laugh, too]
Homer: Heh, darnedest things!
-- "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Flanders stops by to pick up his sons
Flanders: So, did you boys have a good time?
Rod: Yeah, Mr. Simpson was really funny.
Todd: He told us how the world keeps screwing him over.
Homer: [laughs, embarrassed] Yeah, well ... How was the
concert?
Flanders: Well sir, I never heard a preacher use the M-F word
so many times. Anyway, thanks again!
Homer: Hey, it was fun. My kids are sick of all my
stories, but they just can't get enough of me.
Rod: Can Mr. Simpson watch us -every- day?
Flanders: Oh Roddy, he's not running a day-care center ...
Homer: Don't tell me what I'm not doing.
Flanders: So you are running a day care center?
Homer: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
Flanders: I sure would. It would give the boys a place to go
after school.
Homer: Then I'll do it, just to see the look on your face.
[Flanders smiles widely] That's the one.
-- Well, you sure got *him*, "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Exterior of Simpson House, there is a sign with balloons % attached in the front yard. It reads "Uncle Homer's Day Care % Center". % % Cut to inside: Rod, Todd, Milhouse and Ralph are playing with % toys in the living room. Other kids are running around. % Marge and Homer are standing beside a sign taped to the % wall. It reads "Uncle Homer's Day Care Center", "Marge % Simpson, Owner" appears in small print at the bottom. When % Marge asks, Homer explains it's a legal protection -- for him. % % Milhouse asks to see Homer's scary-looking knee scar, and % Homer obliges. Ralph touches it, and the scar begins % healing over his hand. % % The doorbell rings, Marge opens door. Apu is there with the % Octuplets.
Apu: Hello, I would like to take advantage of your baby prison. Marge: We're calling it day care. Apu: Yes, whatever, just take them. Homer: Ah, aren't they sweet. Any medical things I should know about? Apu: [running off] Yes, probably ... -- "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% A month later, Homer's knee is completely healed. Homer credits % his ability to refrain from picking at the scar, and his work % with children. Only morphine gives him a bigger high. Suddenly % desperate, he asks Hibbert if he has any morphine. Dr. Hibbert % chuckles and gives Homer a syringe for the road. % % Cut to night exterior of OFF home. Inside, Homer is playing % peek-a-boo with baby Gerald. He's been playing for two hours % and even the baby is getting sick of it. Rod and Todd interrupt % the game so Homer can sing them that "crazy song" they love. % Homer's song turns out to be "Is That All There Is?" (And, % miraculously, Homer gets the lyrics right.) % % Meanwhile, Bart and Lisa are getting a little put out by the % lack of parental attention.
Bart: Hey Homer, I thought you were only going to do this day
care thing 'till your knee was better.
Homer: Yes, but then I discovered the joys of raising children.
Lisa: But what about us?
Homer: Don't worry honey, you'll have children of your own some
day. Then you'll know my joy.
-- I can't wait, "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Cut to Springfield Elementary school yard. Bart and Ralph are % eating at a picnic table, and Milhouse joins them there.
Milhouse: Hey Bart, your dad gave me this temp tattoo ... it's
so cool! [shows tattoo of Homer on a motorcycle,
with "Homer Rules" written underneath] Vroom, vroom
...
Ralph: You have the bestest dad! He read me a story about
Chinese food!
Bart: [annoyed] You haven't seen the real Homer ... it's
all burping and neglect.
Milhouse: I think we know your dad a little bit better than
you do Bart.
[Ralph gets distracted by a butter fly and wanders
away]
Bart: Is that my jacket?
Milhouse: He said it looked better on me.
Bart: [sighs] Oh ...
-- "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Nighttime exterior of house. Cut to living room. Rod, Todd, % Milhouse, Ralph, Nelson and others are seated around Homer.
Homer: [singing] If your happy and you know it say a swear ... Nelson: Boobs! Milhouse: Hiney! Ralph: Mitten! [all laugh] -- "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Bart and Lisa are watching all this from the second-floor stair % railing. Bart wonders why parents are nicer to everyone else's % children than they are to their own kids. Lisa figures Homer is % just taking them for granted. Bart has a plan to shake Homer out % of his rut. He places wrapped present on skateboard and sends % it down the stairs. The skateboard hits Homer's foot and he % picks the present up and unwraps it. It is a family picture of % Homer with Bart and Lisa. "Aw, what a beautiful frame!" Homer % says. "Perfect for my day care permit." He removes the family % photo, tossing it on the ground, and replaces it with the permit. % % Bart and Lisa come down the stairs, and look at each other, % disappointed. % % [End of Act Two: Time 13:12] % % In the backyard, Homer is perched in the door of the % treehouse, and the tree is bent way over to the side. When % the tree bends all the way down, Homer jumps out and the tree % snaps back up, rocking the kids inside back and forth. % Ralph was actually thrown clear of the treehouse; he's % shown hanging from the Flanders's weather vane by his shirt. % % As Homer is watching all the kids climbing down from the % tree house, Marge comes over with a man.
Marge: Homer, this man is from the Good Guy Awards!
Man: We honour people who make life better for the community,
like you, with your day care center.
Marge: I contributed by not objecting too much.
Homer: Ahh, that's my girl!
Man: Anyway, this film crew will shoot some behind the scenes
footage of your amazing work.
Homer: Is there a snack table?
Man: It's already set up. [points to snack table]
Homer: Heehehehee ... [starts gorging. A cameraman comes to film
him] Don't film this! [waving fist at camera]
-- "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Nighttime, Lisa walks down upstairs hall to her room. % Cables are everywhere and there is a "Keep Out" sign on % her door. She knocks, and a producer informs Lisa that % her room is now a working set. He's not entirely without % sympathy, though -- he gives her a box to sit on. % Meanwhile, the Teamsters have taken over Bart's room, % leaving the boy to sleep on the hallway floor. Homer % accidentally steps on him during an interview. % % Outside, daytime. The man from The Good Guy Awards is % interviewing Homer.
Man: Tell me about the Homer cares program.
Homer: My kids wear these hearts to remind them they are always
loved.
Man: Awww ... did you make them yourself?
Homer: Yes, through the magic of caring.
[cut to garage, where Bart and Lisa are cutting out the
felt hearts]
Lisa: Night will come soon.
-- Or perhaps the magic of child labor, "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Bart and Lisa have reached the breaking point.
Bart: There's got to be a way to get back at dad. Lisa: Well ... I've been cutting the felt kinda crooked. Bart: No, we've got to show the world what Homer's really like. Then everything will be back to normal. Lisa: Back to normal ... [both laughing menacingly] -- "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Finally, it's time to present the Good Guy Awards at the % Springfield Civic Center. Inside, there is a large pinkish % curtain with a smiley face with a halo. The curtains open % and Krusty steps through. He sings a couple lines of a % song before cutting off the orchestra. "One more line and % we have to pay for the song," he explains. % % After a bit awkward banter, Krusty gets down to the night's % first award: Biggest People Pleaser. In a contest between % Ned Flanders, Principal Seymour Skinner, and Mother Theresa Jr., % Principal Skinner is the winner. Flanders storms off, Mother % Theresa Jr., breaks her rosary in anger. As for Skinner % himself, he's having minor surgery and isn't available to % accept his prize in person.
Krusty: [laughs] Now, I'm told there's a glitch in our Internet
web cast. So all of you out there type control-backslash-
semicolon-alt-dot-escape and you'll be fine.
[cut to CBG in front of an iMac, typing]
CGB: Ahh! Perfect!
[his screen shows a little animated picture of Krusty
saying "Hey-hey!" over and over with an accompanying MIDI]
-- "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% After a brief mention of the show's sponsor, Hansen's Hypno % Coins ("If you can find a sturdier Hypno Coin, you buy it."), % it's time for the next award.
Krusty: Now, every year we find one good Samaritan so
deserving that not recognizing him would make Santa
Claus himself vomit with rage ... [to himself] mmm
... who writes this stuff?
[cut backstage to Mr. Teeny who is sitting in front
of a typewriter and an ashtray. He gets angry and
tears up the paper he was working on, grabbing his
cigarette]
Mr. Teeny: [subtitle] I think it's remarkable I wrote anything.
[back onstage]
Krusty: This year's winner of the Saint Who Walks Among Us
award goes to ...
Homer: [praying] Please let me win this Lord ... [waving
fist in air] 'cause if you don't ...
Krusty: Homer Simpson!
Homer: Yes! All my love has come back in trophy form!
-- And that's a bigger high than morphine, "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Homer goes onstage to accept his award.
Krusty: Now let's take a look at Homer's wonderful work.
[screen lowers]
Narrator: It looks like any other home in America, but this is
the house that love built.
[all the kids are shown playing tug-a-war. The
other end is attached to the car, which Homer is
driving. Homer guns the engine and the kids let go.
The car shoots backwards into a lamppost and catches
fire. Homer laughs]
His scabby red knee became an infectious beacon of
hope [audience "Awws"] I guess you could sum up
Homer in two words ...
Bart: Big phony! [audience gasps] This is the real Homer,
a beer drinking meany ... [point to screen]
[Homer is shown passed out drunk in his underwear
beside the Christmas tree. Homer is mumbling as the
dog sniffs at him. Beer cans are scattered around
him]
... and he gambles like crazy ...
[Homer is shown at the kitchen table with Lenny, Moe
and Carl, playing cards. He places Maggie and a
pile of chips in the center of the table]
Homer: [in video] I'll call.
Moe: Three nines.
Homer: [in video] Oh, I almost had a straight.
Moe: Come to new pappa! [rakes in Maggie]
[audience gasps]
Homer: [in audience] Hey, what's the deal?
Lisa: We just spliced in some home movies ... what do you
think?
Homer: Well, I'd rather reserve judgement until I ... oh my
God!
[video shows Homer chasing Bart down the street with
a mace]
Homer: [on video] I'll mace you good!
Bart: [on video] Ahhh!
[audience gasps]
Homer: [in audience] That is completely taken out of
context! [climbs on stage] Why you little ...
[starts strangling Bart]
-- "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Horrified, the parents move to keep their out of Homer's % day care service. Homer vows that no one will take "his" % children, and he herds them out of the auditorium.
Krusty: [watching, turns to audience, pauses] The term "soccer
mom" is thrown around all too often these days, but the
nominees in our next category ...
-- The show must go on, "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Homer leads the children into a box truck, gets in % himself, and drives off. The camera pans to Kent Brockman, % who stands holding a microphone.
Kent: An award ceremony erupted in kidnapping tonight as alleged
"good guy" Homer Simpson absconded with several children
in a stolen paddy-wagon. Now let's go to Arnie Pie in the
sky.
[aerial shot of slow chase]
Arnie: I can see them right below me ... I'm going to try to nail
the driver with one of my shoes.
Kent: Arnie, please, leave this to the police.
Arnie: I'm sick of being the reporter, I want to make the news!
Kent: Arnie, this is not the time ...
Arnie: You're not the time, Kent, you're not the time.
-- The whole damn system is not the time! "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Shot of Homer and Ralph in the front of the paddy wagon.
Ralph: Where are we going Mr. Simpson? Homer: I'll tell you where we -not- going ... jail! Milhouse: Then you'd better turn ... [points to jail, dead ahead] Homer: Uh oh! -- "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% Homer yelps and swerves to the side, hitting a tree. He % gets out and starts running for a fence. Arnie narrates % Homer's actions for the home audience.
Arnie: He's jumping out of the car, Kent, he's trying to climb
over the fence ... now he's realizing he's too fat ...
he's digging a hole like a dog ... now he's given up on
that and he's running back and forth ... he's climbing
into the pipe and he seems to be stuck ... his legs are
dangling in a comical fashion, oh, it's the saddest thing
I've ever seen.
Kent: Arnie, Arnie, how are the children?
Arnie: [annoyed] I can't see through -metal- Kent.
-- "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% The police surround him and pull guns. Wiggum orders Homer % out of the pipe, and the jig is up. % % Three mistrials later, Homer and his biological kids in % living room.
Homer: Why did you rat me out, kids? Was it because I showered
love on those other children while ignoring you?
Bart: Yep.
Lisa: Pretty much.
Homer: Well, I learned my lesson. [taking framed license off
wall, removing license] From now on, you kids are the only
kids I'll care about. [puts original photo back in] Oh,
and Maggie. Now, let's all enjoy the snack table while we
still have it.
Marge: The teamsters said they'd pick it up by five.
Homer: Yeah, that'll happen.
[OFF laughs]
Heh, heh, heh, Teamsters.
-- "Children of a Lesser Clod"
% [End of Act Three. Time: 20:09] % % Normal closing credits. The Gracie Noise is Bill Cosby saying, % "Pokemon? Pokemon?"
==============================================================================
{bjr} Benjamin Robinson
{cl} Chad Lehman
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{dj} Darrel Jones
{em} Eric Maki
{gs} Golden Sonic
{jg2} Joe Green
{mm} Michael Morbius
{ts} Tom Servo
{vy} Vince Yim
{zh} Zan Hecht
============================================================================== This episode capsule is Copyright 2003 Benjamin Robinson. It is not to be redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current maintainer ([email]). All quoted material and episode summaries remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox. All other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors. The Quote and Scene Summary itself is Copyright 2003 Eric Maki (with editing by Benjamin Robinson). This capsule has been brought to you by the Springfield YMCA.
This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie, Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are today.